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Sick, tired, and bored of gaming! So I'm quitting.


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36 minutes ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I seriously hate my life and I want everything to be different.

What’s going on? No need to discuss if you don’t want to

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On 7/24/2022 at 4:19 PM, Paul A. said:

What’s going on? No need to discuss if you don’t want to

Relationship problems. Feeling like I'm drowning in my partner's mental health issues and chronic suicidality. Being a new mom is extremely hard and my daughter is one of the hardest babies I've ever heard of. Feeling scared, trapped, and lost.

That all being said, things seem to be on the mend. Have been getting extremely honest with my partner, even when it hurts her feelings (although obviously I try to be as gentle as possible...) Daughter will be going into an amazing free-for-low-income daycare program soon. That means time away from both of them for me, which is something I desperately need.

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Posted (edited)

I was looking through my notebook and I found something that amazed me.

Back at the end of 2021 I lamented about not being my "fantasy self" and I tried to pinpoint what that meant to me. It only has three bullet points and I think I intended to write more... But I actually DO / AM all these things now!?

I will now transcribe the text because my handwriting is not the most legible, also for the sake of anyone using a screen reader:

-

Who is my "fantasy self" ?

(Unrealistic idealized version of self)

>Either extremely long hair or buzz cut

>Draws & paints ALL the time, "productive"

>Spends Tons of time outside

[Ink color changes from black to red]

Holy shit, turns out I BECAME my fantasy self?

What it took:

>Accepting that having hair is too hard while Autistic + new mom

>QUIT VIDEO GAMES. Probably the most life-changing thing I've done every time I do it.

>SPEND WAY LESS TIME ON SCREENS/INTERNET/TECH there really are better things to do!

[End of transcription]

I'm a little shocked, a little sad for my past self, and a whole lot grateful.

I really think I really do need to be done with gaming for the rest of my life.

The only situation I can see myself gaming again is if I became completely bed-bound and it was literally one of my only options, especially if it was expected to last the rest of my life from that point on (but I think even in that situation I'd consider all my other options first too.)

 

PXL_20220726_132856268~2.jpg

Edited by GrainSiloEnthusiast
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2 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

Relationship problems. Feeling like I'm drowning in my partner's mental health issues and chronic suicidality. Being a new mom is extremely hard and my daughter is one of the hardest babies I've ever heard of. Feeling scared, trapped, and lost.

That all being said, things seem to be on the mend. Have been getting extremely honest with my partner, even when it hurts her feelings (although obviously I try to be as gentle as possible...) Daughter will be going into an amazing free-for-low-income daycare program soon. That means time away from both of them for me, which is something I desperately need.

Relationship problems can certainly be difficult, sorry to hear you’re in a tough spot. On the bright side I’m happy things are looking up. I’m always here to chat if you need to

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Found out my wife is using an old phone to AFK on a Roblox game she's been playing constantly over the last few weeks. Hate to say it, but I both relate and cringe very hard at that. Relieved to be free from such madness.

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Posted (edited)

Definitely waiting until at least the 90 day detox is over to decide but... I really can't decide if I should allow myself to use The Sims 4 as a building tool. I know, I've had this exact discussion before during a previous detox, but I really just haven't found any other suitable replacement. They make it so easy and so satisfying to build in, with lots of environments to choose from. I have really been able to use it as a creative outlet, I was even able to create a model of our room which I have actually used as reference when redecorating. I have drawn my creations, which lets me practice drawing environments and architecture.

The biggest problem is, I'm afraid it would be a "gateway drug" of sorts. I've even stayed away from "doll makers" or virtual dressup dolls because I'm afraid it's too much of a video game for my addictive personality to handle, but I've always dreamed of making my own and would still love to do that some day! I'm afraid that if I allow myself to build in The Sims 4, I will think "well why not play House Flipper", "why not try Live Mode (in The Sims 4, the simulation part)", "why not play Minecraft in Creative Mode", "why not play Animal Crossing" ...etc etc so on and so fourth. Slippery slope.

I'd like to try a year without gaming though, and I don't think I'd like to even open such an application in such a time. 

In other news... I've been watching more TV than I'm comfortable with. Usually I only watch shows with my wife which inherently limits me, but there's a few I've gotten into independently that aren't very up her alley so I watch them by myself. By TV I mean streaming services like Netflix, we don't do cable. It definitely feels less bad than watching copious amounts of YouTube (which now I basically only get on to see if ONE very small YouTuber has posted anything I want to watch and comment on) like I used to. I think it's less focus destroying to watch 1/2 hour to 1 hour of a show that's all on the same topic rather than 10-20 YT videos in the same span of time. Nonetheless, I feel I am overconsuming, so I must be. I need to find an appropriate limit. 

I've been reading a lot of manga on my phone lately, but I don't consider that a bad thing. It's a book, with pictures. Unless I feel it's causing problems in my life I have no qualm with that. I've been able to read a lot more this way, it's a lot more digestible than fully text books. The manga I was reading most until I caught up with where the translation ends is Blue Period, which is very inspiring for me as an artist, and even inspired me to create my own art collective! 

I've been quite productive lately though in spite of all that, there are just a LOT of hours in a day, and not all of them can be spent constantly working. 

Edited by GrainSiloEnthusiast
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I definitely feel a lot better about my TV consumption when I only watch with my wife.

Yesterday I switched NA sponsors cause I need someone who can be a little more on my ass about things, I need someone to hold me accountable and responsible. My old sponsor was always there for me when I reached out but I had to actually reach out first, he'd never make the first move, making it way too easy for me to just not talk to him ever. He's still a dear friend to me and was totally cool about me switching. My new sponsor is a lovely lady I have been talking to daily for a while because we send each other daily gratitude lists, so I asked her for advice on the situation and she offered to be my sponsor even if only temporarily. We'll see how it goes!

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I just noticed it's day 14 of Nothing New 90, 2 weeks hadn't felt long at all. I'm really hoping this will help me kick my stupid compulsive accumulation habits. It's nice to go into a store knowing Full Well I won't get anything and I really will be just looking, because when I make a commitment I stick with it. All the things that make me go "I want it!!" I take a step back and remember I really do not need it and I'd probably lose interest quite quickly anyway. I already have everything I need.

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Posted (edited)

I want to write at length about my relationship problems but I've grown so accustomed to feeling like I can't talk about it with anyone that I don't even know where to start.

Edited by GrainSiloEnthusiast
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Maybe I wouldn't feel as angry at her if she had at least tidyed up the baby toys in our room while I was gone all day with the baby at my mom's house. It'd be a fucking start at least. It takes 2 minutes to do, and she didn't even do that. I feel like our priorities are so extremely fucking different.

I know for a fact she spent ALL DAY playing fucking Roblox while I was gone. She didn't even tell me I just know because that's all she does. Her gaming wasn't a problem for me before but now it is... But she wouldn't do anything else fucking productive even if she stopped. I know cause she got bored of all games like 6 months ago and took a break from them. When she doesn't game all she does is scroll reddit or other internet and watches shows. She's "too depressed to do anything else" but honestly I completely believe the way she is chosing to live is making her depression and suicidality worse.

"Just break up" ain't so clean and simple when you got a 9 month old you both love and adore and that 9 month old's favorite person is her grandpa (my wife's dad) that you currently live with and your own dad is extremely abusive and untrustworthy and moving back in with your own parents is your only other option because both the economy and being unable to hold a job due to various physical and mental handicaps!!!!!!!! Plus you're fucking breastfeeding and the baby won't drink anything from any other fucking container and wants you more than anyone else over 90% of the time !!!!!!!!!

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WHY IS THIS THE PERSON I CHOSE TO REPRODUCE WITH. WHY DID I ONLY GET PREGNANT ONCE I FINALLY REALIZED ID BE A SHITTY PARENT AND FINALLY DECIDED I NO LONGER WANTED A BABY (I WAS ALREADY A MONTH ALONG WHEN I HAD THIS REALIZATION.) WHY DO I HAVE A FUCKING FIX EM COMPLEX AND DECIDED TO DATE SOMEONE COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH SUICIDE. WHY DID I HAVE TO DO SO MUCH SELF IMPROVEMENT TO THE POINT I SEE HOW FUCKED UP THE SITUATION IM IN IS.

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My entire fucking life has been a nightmare. I look back on my life as a whole and it's so fucking sad. I keep thinking I miss how things used to be (in this relationship) but it's actually always been like this except we used to not have a human baby.

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Wow I have a partner that changes dirty diapers without being told? Ever choses to spend time with the baby because she wants to? Parent of the fucking year award! Apparently doing the bare minimum puts her way above a whole fucking lot of dads. How sad.

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I hope to fucking god she never reads any of this. Lol. Even if I ever actually talk to her about what I feel I want to do it much more calmly and respectfully. But right now... Fuck it fuck you fuck everything.

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1 hour ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I know for a fact she spent ALL DAY playing fucking Roblox while I was gone. She didn't even tell me I just know because that's all she does. Her gaming wasn't a problem for me before but now it is... But she wouldn't do anything else fucking productive even if she stopped. I know cause she got bored of all games like 6 months ago and took a break from them. When she doesn't game all she does is scroll reddit or other internet and watches shows. She's "too depressed to do anything else" but honestly I completely believe the way she is chosing to live is making her depression and suicidality worse.

I believe it, because I used to live like that too.

1 hour ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

WHY DID I HAVE TO DO SO MUCH SELF IMPROVEMENT TO THE POINT I SEE HOW FUCKED UP THE SITUATION IM IN IS.

The old adage says "things have to get worse before they get better". Quitting games is one thing, but the actual red pill is seeing things for what they are. Going through the trough is the worst. The sedative is off and the reality sets even before any meaningful positive results arrive from walking the straight and narrow path.

Do what's best for you.

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Posted (edited)

Pretty sure my new NA sponsor is going to ghost me. I can't exactly blame her considering I had a breakdown on like the third day of her being my sponsor... But I mean we've known each other for a while too it's not like I'm a stranger... Feels shitty!

Edited by GrainSiloEnthusiast
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Bit late but I was using this when my house got rebuilt earlier this year: https://floorplancreator.net/privacy. Free version on Android was enough for me. I agree that it is a slipery slope: the Sims might offer stuffs like 3d modelling but in the end, we'll just "feel" differently using the Sims . Don't pick up the first one. 

Really sorry you are feeling this way now. My aunt who has a 14 months old used to be kind of like you: baby was sick and she was under so much stress and everyone around her, including her husband (who is an ex-punk rock/ gang member). She told me she felt like nobody understood how hard it is for her then.

I saw what she did was she got a lot of small help from people: I dropped to do a bit of chores for her, her parents bought some small stuffs, etc. It did take a few months but things did calm down and life got stable again.

We fellow gamequitters can't reach through the screens to hold you but you know we want to. Just one foot in front of the other, day at a time. Keep on keeping on

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Today I will talk about how I do my chores, how I build momentum when I dread doing everything.

Self-care is the utmost important part. If I'm hungry, or in a lot of pain, anything like that... I can't get anything done. I need to address those concerns first.

Optionally I sweeten the deal by listening to music, an audiobook, or a podcast. Other times I just enjoy the sweet sweet sound of not having my daughter screaming in my ear while other mommy watches her.

Then I make a list. I make a very thorough list of everything that needs to get done that day. Longer-term projects have to go on a separate list, daily chores have their own dedicated list on our dry erase board on the fridge.

I group like tasks together but I keep everything separate, you might consider grouping recycling and trash together but I find it is better if I write these both separately even if I end up being able to do them at the same time. This is because I am gamifying doing my chores, each thing I get to check off my list gives me a little satisfaction.

For some people a longer list is more intimidating, but for me when it's a long list full of small easy to do tasks, I get more opportunities to check something off my list. Each time I check something off is a little victory, and that gives me momentum to keep going.

So I start with the easiest chores and work my way up to the ones I dread the most. Some people say to start with the hardest thing because then it's out of the way, making everything else seem much easier in comparison. Sometimes I do that but oftentimes I can't. Doing the easier chores first helps me build momentum. At the very least I get those done even if I fail to do the more intimidating things, which is better than nothing at all. Usually though I find if I just start with one thing I can get everything else done. It's just about getting myself started.

I left the room to make a salad, and I found myself putting away the dry dishes. After this small accomplishment I found myself writing my list and getting shit done.

If I just get myself started, autopilot takes over. It's the same idea behind "just drive to the gym every day with your gear in the trunk, if you just show up you're likely to carry out the rest of the ritual."

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On 8/6/2022 at 2:11 AM, Ikar said:

The old adage says "things have to get worse before they get better". Quitting games is one thing, but the actual red pill is seeing things for what they are. Going through the trough is the worst. The sedative is off and the reality sets even before any meaningful positive results arrive from walking the straight and narrow path.

Yes, exactly. Need to copy this quote down somewhere.

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On 8/6/2022 at 8:17 PM, LostRiver said:

Bit late but I was using this when my house got rebuilt earlier this year Free version on Android was enough for me. I agree that it is a slipery slope: the Sims might offer stuffs like 3d modelling but in the end, we'll just "feel" differently using the Sims . Don't pick up the first one. 

Really sorry you are feeling this way now. My aunt who has a 14 months old used to be kind of like you: baby was sick and she was under so much stress and everyone around her, including her husband (who is an ex-punk rock/ gang member). She told me she felt like nobody understood how hard it is for her then.

I saw what she did was she got a lot of small help from people: I dropped to do a bit of chores for her, her parents bought some small stuffs, etc. It did take a few months but things did calm down and life got stable again.

We fellow gamequitters can't reach through the screens to hold you but you know we want to. Just one foot in front of the other, day at a time. Keep on keeping on

Hugs!

Thanks for the link, any such resources are appreciated.

It's true, as gaming addicts it's too dangerous to dabble in anything we might find triggering. That's exactly why we highly recommend you don't watch gaming related content and try to build new relationships with people who don't game.

I'm really glad thinks are looking up for your aunt, raising humans is rough!

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Sometimes I remember all the projects I left unfinished in games and get disappointed... But then I remember that I will never be truly finished. This applies to everything, not just games. I either quit now and save all that time or waste the rest of my life chasing that completionism. Better to put that same completionist energy towards my art and other such endeavors which will award real, tangible results.

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Today I reset the laptop back to factory - now there are no games installed whatsoever. My wife is allowed to use it but she knows how to hide a program on one account and not the other so I told her to hide any games she installs. She'll probably just install Roblox at least to begin with, which I have absolutely zero desire to play anyway lmao.

Now I need to move all of my photos onto that computer as it is going to be my primary computer. Saving, sorting, and viewing photos is one of the most important uses for my computer.

I will also need to move all videos, text documents, and any other important files. Anything and everything I currently use the desktop for (which is my wife's computer now, she bought it from me and then upgraded it) needs to be moved onto the laptop.

Although it is a gaming laptop and therefore overpowered for what I need, at least it should run well and it has a terabyte of storage. And it should work well for my wife as well.

As long as we're together we will always share computers, but it really helps if we each have a primary device dedicated to ourselves.

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