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NEW VIDEO: 22 minute gaming addiction documentary

Sick, tired, and bored of gaming! So I'm quitting.


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On 7/23/2020 at 9:32 AM, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

how do mentally healthy people cope with despair? i am not mentally healthy, my mind immediately wants to run away, kill myself, use drugs, spend excessively, ANYTHING to escape. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Hey @GrainSiloEnthusiast, it's sad to see you suffer. I don't feel competent to answer your question. Are you talking with a professional about it? 

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On 7/23/2020 at 12:53 AM, chiliflavor said:

Same problem here. 🤞 If I may ask, what happened? 😅

A lot of things. My baby is uh still dead and that's still a fresh wound that was recently reopened because I only Just had my menstrual cycle again for the first time since the surgery to remove the pregnancy remnants. Constant arguments with my partner about seemingly everything. Relapsed on marijuana not too long ago, after 20 months of no drugs or alcohol at all, quit again immediately but its been trying to pull me back in.

On 7/29/2020 at 2:27 AM, gargamel said:

Hey @GrainSiloEnthusiast, it's sad to see you suffer. I don't feel competent to answer your question. Are you talking with a professional about it? 

Nope, not even sure when that will be an option either. Therapists are pretty busy right now given Everyone is suffering and going stir crazy... And I'm picky. A bad therapist is worse than nothing in my case, learned the hard way. The guy I found that really worked for me moved to private practice and no longer takes my insurance :')

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Today is day 70.

Despite everything, I still haven't gamed. I've considered it, then remembered that I will just get bored immediately. And if I don't, I'll just start spending all day gaming and not doing anything productive which will just make me feel worse.

That's actually why I asked the question, what do mentally stable people do, because I realized all my go-to "coping" mechanisms for despair are all very unhealthy behaviors. I used to cut myself, hit myself, have meltdowns, game the days away, scroll the days away, binge watch the days away, spend money frivolously, use drugs or alcohol, essentially prostitute myself to get drugs and alcohol +an excuse to leave the house, fantasize about killing myself, fantasize about running away... I'm sure there's more but I'll leave it at that, that's plenty of examples.

What the hell am I supposed to do when life gets this turbulent???? I don't want to do any of the things that normally make me feel good, and those things usually don't cut it when I feel this bad. All I want to do is lash out and be destructive.

Warning, possibly offensive rant about spirituality and religion ahead!

It really does not help that my "spiritual" beliefs (or lack thereof) cannot see "god" as a loving, caring thing. ""God"" is just everything that is, the thing that binds us all together, the giant supercomputer that is the collective consciousness of the omniverse. It doesn't care about me. It doesn't "love" me. It won't help me.  My mom likes to say "there's a nice god out there, pray to that one!" But that's not how it works. I can't believe in faerie tales anymore. I can't be friendly with a god that killed my baby. That allowed several people close to me to be victims of human trafficking. And yes, god IS responsible for that. I fucking HATE when people say "god didn't do that (bad thing we don't like)" OH REALLY? THE OMNIPOTENT OMNIPRESENT ENTITY THAT LITERALLY MAKES UP ALL OF EXISTENCE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE? But you'll let it take credit for the good shit? Spare me your willfull ignorance. God lets us suffer. I know the way christianity is written makes it easy; god: good, satan: bad, but that shit is SO ridiculous on so many levels and I'm not really here to shatter people's worldviews (or just offend them, because belief is a powerful set of rose coloured glasses) so I'm not going to go any further into That mess. Plus that's just the most powerful religion, not the only one, but I don't connect to Anything. Judaism was working out okay but I didn't feel connected to the local community and my only other option was the Orthodox crowd. Not gonna happen, I'm a lesbian married to a goyishe woman lol. Plus all the mitzvot really ramped up my religious OCD! Which haha funny enough I STILL HAVE. Probably a large part of why I think god actively hates me rather than is just neutrally experiencing my life the same as it is with all other lives. The closest thing I can connect to is Buddhism, but Buddhism doesn't lie about the way things are, it magnifies those things even. Attachment leads to suffering? Amen to that.

 

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I am glad you still stay clear from games, hope you stay clear of other destructive things as well. I totally agree with you about therapists. Not every therapists knows how to help, and also some people just don't jell well together. I understand your position, I was just wanting to push you into finding some type of help because you are obviously suffering really bad.

I've read what you've written about God. I am deeply religious but I am not offended because I don't see your words coming from a place that wants to offend. You are expressing your genuine thoughts and feelings, and that is completely legitimate. Hinduism has it's own outlook on why we suffer which is more similar to Buddhism than to abrahamist religions, and we also believe that God is absolutely benevolent, omnipotent, omnipresent, source and sustainer of everything. If you want I can (either here or in private massages), tell you about it in detail.
My only healthy "coping mechanisms" are meditation and prayer. They are so helpful that they do not even feel like coping mechanisms, I feel like they healed me a lot. All other ways I tried to fix myself or help me cope - be it company of others, alcohol, cigarettes, ego trip, art, women... all those things helped me forget one thing and usually created a new problem. I went from problem A to problem B to C do D back to A to E to B to C back to B...

Anyways... I am sincerely glad to see you here again. This forum has a really positive community, stick with it! Sending you love.

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I would be interested in hearing more about your beliefs, I enjoy learning about other religions and cultures. Here or private message, either is fine, whatever you're most comfortable with! I'm very glad I didn't offend you because you are right that truly is not my intention, I just needed to get those things off my chest.

It's always good to hear from you and I'm very grateful for your reply 🙂

 

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Today is day 78. Wow.

I decided to aim for a whole year game-free. While I still have the intention to never play again, breaking it down into smaller chunks is more manageable.

I bought a word search book from the dollar store. I feel like such a hipster, opting for a physical version of something very easy to get digitally and for free. But I knew I desperately needed more off-screen activities, and I missed doing word searches! Maybe I'll try crossword puzzles and sudoku too...

I've been listening to a lot of audiobooks. I absorb the information better when listening to books as opposed to trying to read them myself, I have a lot of struggle trying to read big walls of text, and have a tendency to skim when I try to. I blame the ADHD, and the internet. But whatever works, works!

I've read two addiction memoirs in the last week and one of them was particularly inspiring: A Piece Of Cake by Cupcake Brown. Thank god for the speed modification setting on Libby, I can listen much faster than people talk, and that book was a good 20something hours long. I was also able to get through The Shallows by Nicholas Carr in one night on 3x speed. Thought provoking stuff!

While listening to audiobooks I tend to draw. Still mandalas usually. Every now and then I sketch out something from real life as to maintain my ability to do that. Even rarer than that, I'll sketch out something from my imagination, typically something I have drawn from reference before. I doodled a coffee to go cup on the cover of my sketchbook last night, just a light pencil sketch, and I'm going to personalize the cover eventually anyway so it'll likely be painted over.

Oh yeah, and I made a website via WordPress. An art blog. I like WordPress a lot so far, much different than the microblogging social media platforms, a lot less pressure to be something I'm not. Love the url I snagged- arioctober.art.blog! That's a domain I would have forked money over for, but it was free! 🙂

Wife still plays Roblox and Minecraft with her nephews, but I don't mind. She doesn't have anything better to do and those boys really need the attention. It's fun having them on call, too. I get to be a part of the conversation and I don't even need to be gaming with them to do so. She doesn't let gaming get in the way of our relationship either, unlike me. I really wish those boys could come visit or we could visit them, so we could all get out of the house and into the real world together. Damn this COVID nonsense!!!

 

 

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