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Sick, tired, and bored of gaming! So I'm quitting.


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On 7/23/2020 at 9:32 AM, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

how do mentally healthy people cope with despair? i am not mentally healthy, my mind immediately wants to run away, kill myself, use drugs, spend excessively, ANYTHING to escape. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Hey @GrainSiloEnthusiast, it's sad to see you suffer. I don't feel competent to answer your question. Are you talking with a professional about it? 

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On 7/23/2020 at 12:53 AM, chiliflavor said:

Same problem here. 🤞 If I may ask, what happened? 😅

A lot of things. My baby is uh still dead and that's still a fresh wound that was recently reopened because I only Just had my menstrual cycle again for the first time since the surgery to remove the pregnancy remnants. Constant arguments with my partner about seemingly everything. Relapsed on marijuana not too long ago, after 20 months of no drugs or alcohol at all, quit again immediately but its been trying to pull me back in.

On 7/29/2020 at 2:27 AM, gargamel said:

Hey @GrainSiloEnthusiast, it's sad to see you suffer. I don't feel competent to answer your question. Are you talking with a professional about it? 

Nope, not even sure when that will be an option either. Therapists are pretty busy right now given Everyone is suffering and going stir crazy... And I'm picky. A bad therapist is worse than nothing in my case, learned the hard way. The guy I found that really worked for me moved to private practice and no longer takes my insurance :')

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Today is day 70.

Despite everything, I still haven't gamed. I've considered it, then remembered that I will just get bored immediately. And if I don't, I'll just start spending all day gaming and not doing anything productive which will just make me feel worse.

That's actually why I asked the question, what do mentally stable people do, because I realized all my go-to "coping" mechanisms for despair are all very unhealthy behaviors. I used to cut myself, hit myself, have meltdowns, game the days away, scroll the days away, binge watch the days away, spend money frivolously, use drugs or alcohol, essentially prostitute myself to get drugs and alcohol +an excuse to leave the house, fantasize about killing myself, fantasize about running away... I'm sure there's more but I'll leave it at that, that's plenty of examples.

What the hell am I supposed to do when life gets this turbulent???? I don't want to do any of the things that normally make me feel good, and those things usually don't cut it when I feel this bad. All I want to do is lash out and be destructive.

Warning, possibly offensive rant about spirituality and religion ahead!

It really does not help that my "spiritual" beliefs (or lack thereof) cannot see "god" as a loving, caring thing. ""God"" is just everything that is, the thing that binds us all together, the giant supercomputer that is the collective consciousness of the omniverse. It doesn't care about me. It doesn't "love" me. It won't help me.  My mom likes to say "there's a nice god out there, pray to that one!" But that's not how it works. I can't believe in faerie tales anymore. I can't be friendly with a god that killed my baby. That allowed several people close to me to be victims of human trafficking. And yes, god IS responsible for that. I fucking HATE when people say "god didn't do that (bad thing we don't like)" OH REALLY? THE OMNIPOTENT OMNIPRESENT ENTITY THAT LITERALLY MAKES UP ALL OF EXISTENCE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE? But you'll let it take credit for the good shit? Spare me your willfull ignorance. God lets us suffer. I know the way christianity is written makes it easy; god: good, satan: bad, but that shit is SO ridiculous on so many levels and I'm not really here to shatter people's worldviews (or just offend them, because belief is a powerful set of rose coloured glasses) so I'm not going to go any further into That mess. Plus that's just the most powerful religion, not the only one, but I don't connect to Anything. Judaism was working out okay but I didn't feel connected to the local community and my only other option was the Orthodox crowd. Not gonna happen, I'm a lesbian married to a goyishe woman lol. Plus all the mitzvot really ramped up my religious OCD! Which haha funny enough I STILL HAVE. Probably a large part of why I think god actively hates me rather than is just neutrally experiencing my life the same as it is with all other lives. The closest thing I can connect to is Buddhism, but Buddhism doesn't lie about the way things are, it magnifies those things even. Attachment leads to suffering? Amen to that.

 

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I am glad you still stay clear from games, hope you stay clear of other destructive things as well. I totally agree with you about therapists. Not every therapists knows how to help, and also some people just don't jell well together. I understand your position, I was just wanting to push you into finding some type of help because you are obviously suffering really bad.

I've read what you've written about God. I am deeply religious but I am not offended because I don't see your words coming from a place that wants to offend. You are expressing your genuine thoughts and feelings, and that is completely legitimate. Hinduism has it's own outlook on why we suffer which is more similar to Buddhism than to abrahamist religions, and we also believe that God is absolutely benevolent, omnipotent, omnipresent, source and sustainer of everything. If you want I can (either here or in private massages), tell you about it in detail.
My only healthy "coping mechanisms" are meditation and prayer. They are so helpful that they do not even feel like coping mechanisms, I feel like they healed me a lot. All other ways I tried to fix myself or help me cope - be it company of others, alcohol, cigarettes, ego trip, art, women... all those things helped me forget one thing and usually created a new problem. I went from problem A to problem B to C do D back to A to E to B to C back to B...

Anyways... I am sincerely glad to see you here again. This forum has a really positive community, stick with it! Sending you love.

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I would be interested in hearing more about your beliefs, I enjoy learning about other religions and cultures. Here or private message, either is fine, whatever you're most comfortable with! I'm very glad I didn't offend you because you are right that truly is not my intention, I just needed to get those things off my chest.

It's always good to hear from you and I'm very grateful for your reply 🙂

 

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Today is day 78. Wow.

I decided to aim for a whole year game-free. While I still have the intention to never play again, breaking it down into smaller chunks is more manageable.

I bought a word search book from the dollar store. I feel like such a hipster, opting for a physical version of something very easy to get digitally and for free. But I knew I desperately needed more off-screen activities, and I missed doing word searches! Maybe I'll try crossword puzzles and sudoku too...

I've been listening to a lot of audiobooks. I absorb the information better when listening to books as opposed to trying to read them myself, I have a lot of struggle trying to read big walls of text, and have a tendency to skim when I try to. I blame the ADHD, and the internet. But whatever works, works!

I've read two addiction memoirs in the last week and one of them was particularly inspiring: A Piece Of Cake by Cupcake Brown. Thank god for the speed modification setting on Libby, I can listen much faster than people talk, and that book was a good 20something hours long. I was also able to get through The Shallows by Nicholas Carr in one night on 3x speed. Thought provoking stuff!

While listening to audiobooks I tend to draw. Still mandalas usually. Every now and then I sketch out something from real life as to maintain my ability to do that. Even rarer than that, I'll sketch out something from my imagination, typically something I have drawn from reference before. I doodled a coffee to go cup on the cover of my sketchbook last night, just a light pencil sketch, and I'm going to personalize the cover eventually anyway so it'll likely be painted over.

Oh yeah, and I made a website via WordPress. An art blog. I like WordPress a lot so far, much different than the microblogging social media platforms, a lot less pressure to be something I'm not. Love the url I snagged- arioctober.art.blog! That's a domain I would have forked money over for, but it was free! 🙂

Wife still plays Roblox and Minecraft with her nephews, but I don't mind. She doesn't have anything better to do and those boys really need the attention. It's fun having them on call, too. I get to be a part of the conversation and I don't even need to be gaming with them to do so. She doesn't let gaming get in the way of our relationship either, unlike me. I really wish those boys could come visit or we could visit them, so we could all get out of the house and into the real world together. Damn this COVID nonsense!!!

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 year later...
Posted (edited)

Posted a reintroduction in the intro branch of the forum, I'm going to cross-post it here:

 

Hello, my name is Ari, and I am a gaming addict.

I've been here before, but I believe it's been at least two years since I last stepped foot here.

I learned to moderate and game responsibly, but I've realized I just like my life better when I'm not gaming regularly. As summer started to come around I realized I craved another detox, and at the end of May 31st I committed myself to no gaming until at least September 1st.

I'm not going to make any huge goals such as never gaming again under any circumstances, not right now anyway. But I do think I'd prefer to no longer game as a solo activity. I want my "me time" to be spent in better ways, such as drawing and coloring.

Playing local multiplayer with my wife or a group of friends is such a different experience from the reclusive nature of my single player gaming. (I haven't played MMOs in years and have no intention on playing them again, they were never really my "drug of choice" anyway.) For at least the duration of this detox though, I will not be playing any video games at all.

In the time between last using this site and now I have also given birth to a daughter, she is now 8 months old. I want more than anything to be a good example for her, and I want her relationship to video games to either be healthy or nonexistent.

I have 19 full days of no gaming currently, working on day 20 today.

I intend to get back to making journal entries on that side of the forum. It is a pleasure to meet you all, or perhaps see you again if we have met before! I wish you all the best of luck.

Edited by GrainSiloEnthusiast
wrong # of days no gaming!
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When I have the time I think I will re-read this journal to see where I was at and how much has changed since I was last here. Clearly though I never did do a full year of no gaming as I had intended in that last post before I left...

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Well that was a rollercoaster. Amazing what you forget in only 2 years. I remember that I did get through my 90 days but I know at some point I started gaming again and now I don't even know why. Probably emotional distress or extreme boredom I didn't know how to cope with otherwise.

I gamed a lot in the first few months of my daughters life because they were awful. I had severe postpartum depression and ended up having an emergency c section that I had to spend weeks recovering from. I also had to have her in my arms in just about all of my waking hours (she wanted specifically me to hold her and would scream for HOURS when she wasn't being held by me.) and that made everything else nearly impossible. Gaming saved my life back then, but now the situation is different.

My daughter needs my full attention now, not just my presence. She loves to play and she is very curious and mischievous. She started crawling early, now she is very fast, and has been pulling herself up to stand for some time now. Everyone is expecting her to be walking by 9 months, 10 at latest. She is certainly a lot more fun now, and I prefer spending time with her to spending time on gaming. When I do get a moment of peace I want to draw, color, write, or read. Sometimes I just sit and enjoy the silence.

Gaming no longer suits my lifestyle. My wife still games, but again, it's never really been a problem for her. More often she finds herself unable to play because it feels like too much effort and she gets bored of things quickly. We've been going on walks almost every day, we drive around and run errands, we bring our daughter to parks and other play areas for children, we have started going to the gym again too. I'm filling my time with more fulfilling activities and I just don't leave time for gaming.

I wonder if I really could go a full year without gaming. Only time will tell. I tend to game mostly in the winter when I'm stuck inside anyway... But who knows, maybe this winter will be different?

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Day 22

I have absolutely no desire to game currently, and for that I am incredibly grateful.

I've noticed my YouTube consumption dropped drastically when I stopped gaming, because a lot of the content I was consuming was video game related.

My screen time, also something I've been dealing with, is also drastically lower in general now that I'm not gaming. My "worst" days my screen time gets to be 4 hours, but compare that to how I used to average between 6-8 on my phone alone (not counting any other devices because I don't know how to keep track of those. Is there a screen time app for smart TVs?)

I have removed nearly all "junk food" apps from my phone, and it's been that way for quite a while actually. I will link to what I'm referring to when I remember what the site is called, I think the comparison is spot on.

I also keep my phone screen in greyscale the majority of the time, to keep me from getting hooked on the pretty colors lol.

I'm getting better at not opening my phone and scrolling through the app drawer mindlessly, it's like mindlessly opening the fridge or pantry and looking around even though you're not hungry! I think the greyscale helps with that aspect.

I started using a mandala drawing app so I can doodle to fill in the time I'd otherwise be web surfing. I also write entries for my blogs on my phone. I like to use it as a tool for more "wholesome" activities and not brain numbing entertainment.

I deleted my reddit account finally, which I wasn't really using too much anyway. Now I only go on topic specific forums such as this one and I write for my own WordPress blogs. I haven't used Facebook in years, Instagram in over a year, and Twitter for several months.

I'm trying to only check this site once or up to twice a day, don't want that to become it's own addiction.

 

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I gamed because I didn't know how else to fill my time and I fear boredom.

For me, boredom brings with it existential dread, suicidal ideation, longing to be anywhere other than where I currently am, rumination, and general malaise.

I'm feeling that feeling right now because plans fell through and I have no idea what else to do in their place. I ugly sobbed and genuinely wanted to die because I am bored and the plans I looked forward to are no longer happening.

I think this feeling is what led to me gaming again before, I must have felt like "well if I want to die so bad might as well just play video games since at least I enjoy doing that." But just like drugs it's an unhealthy coping mechanism and I don't stop once I have better things I could be spending my time on. Instead it's all consuming and I no longer want to do anything else, my whole life revolves around that one thing.

I don't know what to do when I don't want to do any of the things I have to do and can't do the things I want to, which is SO often since I have a very needy 8 month old. I can't even do chores half the time when I feel like doing them because she'll scream the entire time I'm gone, let alone draw or paint or read. I can only listen to audiobooks now, and sometimes I don't want to listen to anything I just want to enjoy the brief moments of quiet.

I'm also trying not to spend an ungodly amount of time on my phone so that even further limits what I can do, I don't want screens to rule my life, that's a large part of why I don't want to game anymore.

I'm so restless I just want to be content. I can't outrun this feeling. No matter where I go, there I am.

 

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Hi, yes a 8 months old can be very needy, and without wanting to discourage you, it can last a long time (but it will be easier). What are the chores you need to do ? Can't your wife or a parent or anyone else can help you with that ? Does your baby have a nanny (during the week if you work) ? 

If your baby only wants to be with you, it's exhausting. And it may last like this a long time if nothing changes. I don't how much your wife is close to your baby, but you must include her (edit : and a relative a day per week if possible for example) in all the activities with your daughter. This way your daughter will learn to rely on your wife (and on the relative) when you're not available 24/7.

Good luck, it's not easy ! But with all the help you can find, it will be easier

Edit : you talked a lot about dying in your last message, it's sad you feel this way. Your daughter needs her mother alive, so keep fighting. Get all the help you can find (less chores, more time for yourself) so you can feel better. What were the plans you wanted to happen ? It can probably wait a few months, a few years, since there is a baby it's a life changing event.

 

Edited by Martinof
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My wife does help with the chores, it's just that we try to split everything evenly, and we both still have a lot on our plates even then. We have 3 cats and I do the litter in exchange for her doing the dishes, etc.

No nanny or daycare, yet. Neither of us works because we are both disabled and on SSI, not enough money for a nanny. We live with my wife's dad, his girlfriend, and her 3 teenage children. They sometimes take her upstairs for a few hours at a time which is lovely, but so often I end up just vegging out during those times because I'm so exhausted! That or my wife  and I have intimate time, since it's our only window to do so lol.

We did however, sign up to try to enroll our daughter in a free daycare program for low income families. Still haven't heard back from them and it's been a few weeks so we might have to call. Really hoping that goes through, our daughter LOVES people and would probably have an amazing time playing with other kids her age!! And we could really use the break.

Luckily she does do well with my wife most of the time, but she very much prefers when she has both of us. She's deep in that separation anxiety phase, it'll pass eventually, but right now it is exhausting.

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Today I took our daughter out on the bus by myself for the first time. I am physically disabled (EDS) and I am not very strong or fit, but I managed!! It was incredibly exhausting but fulfilling nonetheless. I'm very glad I was able to do it, I feel like I was able to prove something to myself and my wife and gain back some of my independence.

I really want to be able to drive. I am petrified of doing so though, I have extreme car anxiety even as a passenger. The bus feels safer somehow (we're the bigger car, I guess?) and I really enjoy bussing. I just turned 26 and have a goal to be driving by my next birthday. Even if I just drive to the park and ride and still use the bus, it would be very helpful. It's just a life skill I want to have, even if I don't make much use of it.

My wife learned to drive about 3 years ago, and she was also really anxious about it, so I think if she can do it so can I. She also loves bussing and because of the gas prices we have been trying to ride the bus more often since we go out almost every day.

I went out today because she and her dad were replacing the breaks in our car and I did not want to be stuck at home alone with our daughter for 4+ hours (ended up being 6!) and I do not regret it. Even the parts that were difficult and exhausting were still better than dealing with her when she's bored lol. She turns into a little grumpy monster when she's bored. (I relate!) Our daughter loves the bus too, much more than the car because she doesn't need to be strapped down, and she can see out the big windows.

Feeling really grateful to live in a city with a decent bus system. It's a smaller city so it's not the best by any means, but it gets me places, and being disabled gives me even cheaper bus fare. It gives me independence I wouldn't have otherwise.

Instead of filling my time with video games, today I took my daughter on an outing. I got lots of exercise (walked a lot too! pushing her stroller even burns extra calories!) as well as time to just sit and live in the moment. I am exhausted and think I will sleep well tonight.

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I most often have dreams about gaming when I'm not gaming... how ironic.

In this dream though, I realized I had forgotten I was detoxing and had started playing a game on autopilot, but when I realized it I shut the computer off and walked away from it. It was difficult to pull myself away but I did it anyway.

I've had dreams about drugs like that too. Dreams about relapse, but also dreams about stopping myself before a relapse, or stopping after a small relapse instead of going all-in.

These dreams feel powerful, these dreams feel important. Sometimes if I know I'm dreaming I'll just keep gaming or using, because I know it's just a dream. But I think it shows my dedication and change in mindset for me to walk away even when none of it is really real.

I had cooler dreams after that gaming dream, so it was definitely worth it!

Something I know will always be better than gaming is swimming. I love how swimming is inherently incompatible with electronics (at least for now...) and it forces me to be fully present at all times while doing it. Swimming is my happy place, water is my sanctuary. I really want to go swimming.

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Sunk cost fallacy kicking my ass tonight, feeling so dumb for having bought The Sims 4 and nearly all of it's expansions. That's a LOT of money. At least I bought everything on sale? Still over $500 USD. That's like an entire month of my SSI. At least maybe if I quit for good I will be saving a lot of money in the long run...

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Today I woke up to pee at like 5:30AM, and it was so absolutely gorgeous outside I couldn't resist taking my daughter out there to show her the magic of a sunrise's light. (She woke up when I woke up so I had to take her with me to the bathroom which is clear across the house.)

Well we actually ended up staying up all day, despite the fact that I didn't fall asleep until 1 or 2am last night. (Not for lack of trying, we laid down at around 11:30, I just have insomnia.) My wife woke up early too as a result of us being up already, must have felt our energy or something.

Little one is actually taking a well deserved stroller nap at the park where we bussed to right now. We decided to spend the day here where there is plenty of shade, grass good for sitting on, and and people for her to watch.

Later we will go eat Chinese food at a sit down restaurant, that will be our last activity before going home since there will inevitably be leftovers.

It's quite hot today, 90 degrees Fahrenheit, and I've been doing a fair amount of the stroller pushing, so I'm definitely burning a lot of calories. Despite eating I have been hungry ALL DAY. I'm breastfeeding and still have ~30lb of baby weight to lose, (down 20 though!) so it comes as no surprise I'd be struggling with constant hunger. Hard to eat enough calories just to be in the HEALTHY weight loss range, let alone the absolute bare minimum.

It really is such a beautiful day. Trying to soak it all in and just be present.

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I really am starting to feel like the party is over for me, and I don't want to go back to gaming after my detox is over. I've proven to myself that I can game responsibly, but there's just so many better ways to use my time! I feel so much better in general when I'm not gaming and minimizing my screen time.

I started listening to the game quitters podcast, specifically the "Gaming The System" one (as there seems to be two separate ones) and I've found it very illuminating, helpful, and entertaining. Since I'm trying to minimize my screentime I'm also trying to use my phone in more "wholesome" ways. I've never really listened to podcasts before but I think they'll be perfect for this.

Not only do I lack the time and energy for reading actual paper books because of my daughter, (plus she's a destructive little monster lol) it's harder for me to process them because I'm dyslexic. I actually use a screen reader on my phone because of this, when I want to read large bodies of text, including here on the forum. Audio books are a gift from the heavens for people like me! Podcasts remind me of audio books, but they are different of course. Both of them have you focusing on one topic for an extended period of time though, which is good for building your attention span back up.


I have found that I actually really enjoy just sitting around and taking everything in. No distractions necessary, just sitting with myself and the physical world around me. I especially enjoy doing this in the bus or the car. I see a lot of people spending their entire commute on their phone and to me that actually sounds more boring. There's so much to see, so much to hear! Even on airplanes, I spend most of the time looking out the window. But I've always been this way in vehicles, even in the height of my addiction. Something about them just makes me want to be present. I also suffer from chronic wanderlust, so I guess it's not really much of a surprise.

Even when it hurts I've been relishing in going on long walks, because I spent a few years in a wheelchair I just can't take my ability to walk for granted. Sitting all day every day hurts so much more than my hip or knee getting irritated from a long walk, and I recover so much faster now too. I'll always be disabled, I was born with this condition and there's no cure, but I can ease my symptoms and I have been. For me and my type of EDS, exercise is the best medicine.

Video games can be physically painful for me to play because of my joints anyway, I'd rather be using my wrists and fingers to draw or write instead.

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why I am quitting video games:

>to save the money I would otherwise spend on games and equipment

>to spend less time looking at screens

>to make time for the things I want to be doing more, like drawing and going on walks

>to be a good example for my daughter

>to be angry less often

>I don't enjoy gamer culture

>I'm a pretentious hipster

 

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