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NEW VIDEO: 22 minute gaming addiction documentary

Sick, tired, and bored of gaming! So I'm quitting.


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Today is day 14!!! I've made it to two whole weeks!!!!

I woke up shortly before 9:30 today, not exactly sure when but it was 9:29 the first time I checked my phone.
I've been following my morning routine and it's been working out. I really like the "sit outside" part. My wife's been joining me.

I started working on a list of reasons why I quit gaming. Getting some "4th step" vibes lmao. 
Boils down to neglecting my chores, wife, and cats, being a huge bitch,
and games suck all the energy and motivation out of me that I need for creating art, playing instruments, and exercising.
Only 17 bullet points so far, inspired by someone who came up with 50, but I think it's a good list and I'll add to it as I think of things.
When I'm done I'll probably condense it down to a few points and make like a poster or something to motivate me to keep going.

Yesterday I finished up this coloring page

IMG_20200603_220746-01-01-01-01.jpeg?wid

And also colored the original myself with my new colored pencils:
 IMG_20200603_233233.jpg?width=609&height

I'm really proud of myself cause THAT THING WAS HARD!
It's not the most impressive looking thing I've ever done but it was technically difficult.
Rarely do I ever use pencil under-sketches, especially for mandalas most of the time, but it was very necessary to pull this one off. 
Inspired by a design I saw at my heart appointment and Celtic knots in general.
 

Edited by GrainSiloEnthusiast
added the link to my free coloring pages :)
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@Erik2.0 Thank you so much!🥰

I think I should take a little bit of a break from this site, I've been checking it rather compulsively lately. 
I woke up late today because I woke up to pee and couldn't get back to sleep for a long while. Super annoying. 
Other than that all is going quite well so I will check back in later, not sure how long it'll be.

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18 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I think I should take a little bit of a break from this site, I've been checking it rather compulsively lately. 

If you need a break go for it. I've noticed the possibility of getting over involed myself. So I make it a point to try to only check the site once a day.

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Well that plan was all well and good but I'm actually feeling triggered today, so I'm here again.

I found myself laying on my bed thinking "man I want to play video games..." 

And now my wife is playing games over a call with her nephews. This is one of her only ways to do anything with them because they live on the other side of the country.

My wife is also very good at moderation and doesn't have a problem at the moment, so I'm not going to ask her to stop unless it does become a problem, but it isn't helping how I feel at the moment.

I don't know what exactly triggered it. Perhaps it is the fatigue I am feeling. I spent my short pregnancy and a few weeks after my miscarriage playing games whenever I didn't have the energy to do anything else. 

I have things I could do. I don't really feel like doing any of them. I already did my sight reading study app. It stresses me out a lot. I could draw maybe... Fiddle with an instrument maybe... Not sure yet...

I want to go to the store and get some coffee creamer but that has to wait until my wife is not busy, I can't drive. Now I know what you're thinking... But please don't try to encourage me to learn, I have good reasons (bordering on medical reasons) that my wife and I agree it's not a good idea at this time in my life for me to try driving.

A hiatus probably would have been a good idea but now I'm not sure I'm strong enough quite yet. I did have a good long break from surfing the internet yesterday because we were busy and that was refreshing. I'll reconsider when I feel like I'm not at risk of relapsing!

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7 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

My wife is also very good at moderation and doesn't have a problem at the moment

I may have mentioned this before, but she probably hasn't made the mental connection that video games solve her problems or help her escape. She might also be well balanced and not need to escape from anything. Some people use video games (you) and some people use alcohol and drugs (others). She could use food, exercise, talking, sex, or other things for her stress relief/escapism.

If it does become a problem I'd communicate with her. If these sessions are scheduled you could go for a walk or watch a movie in another room maybe? 

7 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I don't know what exactly triggered it. Perhaps it is the fatigue I am feeling. I spent my short pregnancy and a few weeks after my miscarriage playing games whenever I didn't have the energy to do anything else. 

I have things I could do. I don't really feel like doing any of them. I already did my sight reading study app. It stresses me out a lot. I could draw maybe... Fiddle with an instrument maybe... Not sure yet...

I think you're feeling unrest and want to do something productive, but since most of these activities could be newer and require more effort than just sitting and gaming, that there's apprehension. I mentioned this in my diary a few days ago about my fear of stress from hobbies. 3d animation is fun to me, but it's such a huge learning curve and I'm afraid of getting stressed out because my life is already stressful. The issue was I was avoiding the activities and got more stressed and relapsed with my other addictions. My suggestion to you is just pick something and jump right into it. That unrest causes a spark of energy within you. The fear of following through with the activity (not a panic, scary fear, but apprehension) causes a barrier. When your mind creates a barrier it causes depression and burnout to calm you down and rest as a self defense mechanism. 

I'd just get up and do one of the hobbies and force yourself. I've been forcing my hobbies and now I'm just doing them without that burnout or frustration feeling.

I could be wrong, but hopefully this helps.

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Today is day 19.

I watched my wife play Minecraft earlier. It didn't trigger any urges but it did make me a little sad to think about how I'll never play with her again. We got "married" in Minecraft 8 days after we started dating, so we like to joke that we've been married this whole time. We have a lot of memories together in the "worlds" we "lived" in together.

But it's really not that big of a deal, because we have other things to do together anyway. I think we were actually more connected with me just watching, when we played together I was usually off doing my own thing anyway. 

Very slow progress on the waking up early front. Woke up at 10:30 today. Yesterday we were forcefully awakened at ~8:30? By my wife's dad working on a 4 wheeler in the garage right above our room. That thing is loud as absolute hell. We even went to bed kind of early last night but I guess our bodies needed to make up for the sleep deprivation. Good thing I set that back up alarm or we might have slept until noon, or God forbid even later. Doesn't help that June is rainy season here. Rain makes me so sleepy I could easily sleep for 16 hours 😕

My birthday is coming up on the 17th. My two best friends are going to come over for a little art and music party. And at some point my wife and I are planning on driving to Palouse Falls. Grandma is sending me a card and a $20 bill. Mom is making her home made Nachos and might also make a baked good of some sort. I'm turning 24 and it's so weird... I really am getting old! I never expected to live this long. I'm excited.

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Today is day 20.

I had another "using dream"... a gaming dream. A relapse dream.
In the dreams I always end up realizing "oh shit, I'm not supposed to be doing this" just like my drug dreams.
This is the second one I've had. I didn't pay the first one any mind but apparently it's a recurring thing now? Great 🙂 Just great...
Maybe it's a good sign though, I've had more using dreams than I can count about drugs and I am going on 20 months clean.

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2 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

Today is day 20.

I had another "using dream"... a gaming dream. A relapse dream.
In the dreams I always end up realizing "oh shit, I'm not supposed to be doing this" just like my drug dreams.
This is the second one I've had. I didn't pay the first one any mind but apparently it's a recurring thing now? Great 🙂 Just great...
Maybe it's a good sign though, I've had more using dreams than I can count about drugs and I am going on 20 months clean.

I think it makes sense given what you're writing about. You're constantly worrying about relapse and have had conflicting thoughts about watching your wife game. I think there's a part of you who doesn't want to watch or be around it and another who wants to be there, but not necessarily play. 

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21 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think it makes sense given what you're writing about. You're constantly worrying about relapse and have had conflicting thoughts about watching your wife game. I think there's a part of you who doesn't want to watch or be around it and another who wants to be there, but not necessarily play. 

Yeah, there's a lot of internal conflict. I definitely have a lot more fun and less stress when I watch my wife game rather than play myself, but if it becomes a problem I will reevaluate. She rarely plays for even an entire hour at once, so it doesn't take up a lot of our time.

We have way too much time on our hands anyway. Neither of us works a traditional job right now and we aren't going to school and the gym still isn't open. This would be a huge advantage if we were raising an infant, like we had hoped to be in December. But when it's just us trying to not go insane... Having 16 hours of free time is too much free time. We have plenty of healthy activities we do, but still find ourselves with ample extra time.

I'm not too concerned about actually relapsing right now, I have a lot of willpower and good reasons I don't want to go back. I've discussed all of my reasons with my wife and she understands enough to help keep me accountable. But I want to keep the triggers at by for sure, cravings are the worst! 

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The hardest part I think is being productive... I have a lot of mental resistance to most household chores, cooking, and making art. I've been doing it though, pushing through the "I don't wanna!", but it's hard. Really hard.

Playing instruments has been an absolute life saver, no mental resistance at all, more like a mental magnetization! Part of this is because I'm not too focused on doing it right. I work on learning to read music a little at a time. But for the most part I really just mess around. I really like improvisation, exploration. It stimulates my senses and overall it's just a very wholesome activity.

I ordered a little 6 note kalimba necklace off Etsy as a birthday present to myself, something to fiddle with when I'm feeling negative. Music gets me into the flow state so easily, I know having a super portable little instrument will be really good for me.

I'm now also in the process of trying to vastly reduce my intake of processed sugars. I know a lot of people recommend not tackling more than one vice at the same time, but this is kind of a necessity. I'm getting pretty severe headaches, and I know sugar is to blame. When I don't eat processed sugars I don't get the headaches. We're starting off with just not having sweets around in the house. My wife is on board with this, so that helps. We've agreed that we will only have sweet treats when we're out and about, and still only on occasion.

And if I'm going to have something sweet I want it to be an actual treat, not my goddamn breakfast cereal! So I'm going to try to cut out added sugars from as many other foods as possible. I really like fruit, and fruit does not cause the same problems that granulated sugar does, so I know I will have something that can help with cravings. Really into Granny Smith apples lately!

I think my biggest problem with this particular thing is dealing with the stuff we still have left... two cartons of ice cream and a couple of cookies, both opened so we can't donate them. I'm not going to try to rush finishing them, as I think that would just make my cravings way worse. I'm also not going to just throw them in the garbage, food waste upsets me deeply, even when it's junk food. So I'm going to take it slow and savour it until it's gone.

I'm not going to deprave myself altogether, I know any reduction in my sugar intake will be beneficial at this point, because my diet's been an absolute mess since the miscarriage. I'm still only 130lbs (5'4") but even though I've been consuming the same approximate amount of calories the sources have been from shittier food. I'm hoping to fix that, especially before I start carrying our next child!

Edited by GrainSiloEnthusiast
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13 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

Today is day 20.

I had another "using dream"... a gaming dream. A relapse dream.
In the dreams I always end up realizing "oh shit, I'm not supposed to be doing this" just like my drug dreams.
This is the second one I've had. I didn't pay the first one any mind but apparently it's a recurring thing now? Great 🙂 Just great...
Maybe it's a good sign though, I've had more using dreams than I can count about drugs and I am going on 20 months clean.

Dreams are a powerfull tool that our brain uses to process stored information into memory. They tend to reflect things that are on our mind, moreover when we quit something that played a huge role in our life it is deeply engraved in our brain and it takes time till we adjust to life without it. This creates conflict between subconscious which seems to be missing something but your conscious mind knows that it needs to stay away from the addiction. I think it is a good sign, as you said. It shows you your internal conflict, but more importantly you waking up with the realization that this is something wrong, something that you should not be doing is just an evidence that you mean your sobriety seriously.

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Today is day 21! 3 whole weeks!

I had a dream that combined gaming with drug use lmao. My first dream about acid too... Which is crazy considering every other drug dream I've ever had has been about weed and nothing else (despite how many other things I tried, weed was still my drug of choice.)

The gaming parts of the dreams usually aren't about any specific game yet, I just eventually realise that whatever I had just been doing was actually part of a video game and I have a controller in my hand.

When I analyse this it reminds me of the dissociation I would feel after a session of gaming. That digital world became my world. When I would go outside after one of these sessions, I would be so overwhelmed by how real everything was. Part of me even felt like that real, lush world was less real than the digital one.

I can't go back to either of those ways of life. Those dreams are reminders of the life I left behind, why I left it behind. I always wake up from a drug dream grateful to be sober, I will wake up from gaming dreams grateful to be in the real world.

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Today is day 22.

I'm awake on approximately 4 hours of sleep because I had a dream and this time it had nothing to do with games or drugs.
I had a vivid dream about an ultrasound showing a male baby with a strong heartbeat. Sure hoping that's a good omen! :1356_pray_tone2:

We're going to my mom's house again today, we go every Friday now. Wondering if I'll be able to get a nap in before we go?
 

Edit: Nap acquired. Good thing too because I'm also getting my follow up HCG blood test this afternoon! Gonna be a long busy day.

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Today is day 24.

I did a thorough declutter of my smartphone, in an attempt to make it as utilitarian as possible.
I'm tired of having the entire internet in my pocket. I developed a compulsive googling habit, which was fueling my anxiety. A vicious cycle.
I plan on getting a tablet for use at home only, so that I can do internet and app things I still want to be able to do, but without the super-portability phones have.
This whole thing is something I'd been mulling over for a while but I decided to take the plunge after leaving my phone off all day yesterday.

What I kept and why:

My widgets-

  • Clock and weather widget on Home Page: Lets me access the clock app for alarms and such, weather is... weather. +I'm trying to learn Celsius.
  • Goal Tracker widget on 2nd page: lets me keep track of my goals infinitely, without wasting any paper. 
  • Calendar widgets on 3rd page: helps me keep track of appointments, etc.

My apps-

  • Dialer and messaging apps: basic communication functions.
  • Camera: I really enjoy photography, but most decent cameras are too clunky and heavy for me to lug around. My phone cam is excellent for what it is.
     
  • Translate: I study Japanese. Having this pocket dictionary is incredibly useful. 
  • Maps: This app is the reason a lot of minimalists don't ditch their smartphones. Can't understate how helpful it is.
  • Calculator: I'm bad at basic math, and don't want to spend 10 minutes calculating sales tax in my head.
     
  • Recorder: My wife and I enjoy making voice recordings. Also helpful now that I'm studying music.
  • Libby: This is how I access my audio books. I decided I will leave it on my phone even when I get a tablet, since I listen mostly when doing dishes.
  • Notepad: I don't like wasting paper. Great for shopping lists.
     
  • inCollage: I make collages to combat photo hoarding. And it's just fun!
  • Snapseed: Incredibly useful photo editing app. This is how I make my colouring pages look like colouring pages. Faster and easier than doing it on the computer.
  • Gallery: The app that lets you view and organize photos from the camera app, yeah kinda need this.
     
  • Drive: This is how I will send pictures from my phone to my computer when I don't feel like doing it the manual way with the data cord.
  • Fresh EBT: Easier way to check food stamps balance, don't have to make a phone call and input my card number.
  • Chase: I need to be able to check my bank balance on the go, lets me track my spending so I don't overdo it.

inCollage_20200614_075224694.thumb.jpg.dfbba48d3d90033f6c734c05e60141d3.jpg

inCollage_20200614_075322495.thumb.jpg.6e8806123d9d10d930d2c41949aa9932.jpg



 

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Today is day 25.

I'm going to try to buy a watch today. This will make it a lot easier to not pull out my phone in public.
I'm tired of looking like "another millennial glued to their phone" when I'm really not...
Also I just really like watches and it's sad that they're kindof going the way of the dodo.

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3 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

Today is day 25.

I'm going to try to buy a watch today. This will make it a lot easier to not pull out my phone in public.
I'm tired of looking like "another millennial glued to their phone" when I'm really not...
Also I just really like watches and it's sad that they're kindof going the way of the dodo.

I like to use the FitBit because it's a watch, but also helps with tracking exercise, heart rate, and has a meditation feature to relax which is nice for me.

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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I like to use the FitBit because it's a watch, but also helps with tracking exercise, heart rate, and has a meditation feature to relax which is nice for me.

Wow, that sounds really cool! 

I ended up getting a $15 watch from Target. It had good reviews and was available at my nearby store. 
No regrets, it's awesome. Looks good, feels good, works, which is all I could ask of it.

I also ordered a tablet. It was about $50 used, with a small chip on the LCD, but it runs fine and it's an android which is all I wanted.
I am considering not having a web browser on the tablet either, not having it on my phone has been very helpful for my obsessive googling habit.
I mostly want to use it a an E-Reader honestly... and at the price point I snagged it at (they went for like $200 new back in 2015) I think that's fine.
I will also re-download a few apps I decluttered from my phone as I still want them, just not all the time.

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Decluttering on the phone looks good, it's funny how when you cut out games, you realize the internet is addicting as well. I think watches are great, I think you could re-frame the importance of a watch, by thinking about them in a different way. Yea, they aren't as much used because we have other technology, but because of that they are more important in style and fashion. Having good taste is an important quality too, and within that area watches are important. I dunno maybe that helps, haha. Good progress on your journal. 

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@jpespenan I agree, I think watches are still very fashionable and aesthetically pleasing!

Today is day 28.

Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 24. My dad-in-law left me a box of fruit and some other snacks, plus a $25 uber eats gift card!
Then my mom-in-law called me just to say happy birthday and to chat. I called my grandma after that just to chat, and she was glad I did cause she's been so busy she forgot.
Then we went to my mom's house to chat and wait for my best friend to be dropped off, and my mom gave me my card from grandma and a bag of corn nuts (my fav!!)
When my friend arrived we went to pick up my other best friend and we all drove back to our house together. We had a really nice time, just chilling together.

After 2 years of procrastination I finally finished my best friend's birthday gift commission... on my birthday lol.
Here's "Fight Club Punchy"... (apologies that it's video game themed lol.)
Watercolor pencil, alcohol marker, pigma micron, and white gel pen on poster board.
IMG_20200617_222046.jpg

That might be the first and last time I ever draw a cigarette lmao.

It was so nice to finally be able to send that home with them! Took me long enough... Maybe this is the year I really start getting shit done.
"The giver should be thankful" is absolutely true. I am So grateful for this opportunity to give them such a personalized gift!
And honestly the colouring job is probably way better now than it would have been when I did the line art, perhaps it was meant to be.

I did indulge in birthday cake yesterday. I was extremely lucky that I didn't get a headache ahaha.
Not a very big cake mind you but still 300 cal and 28g of sugar per serving, and I did cut it into 6ths as suggested.
There were two pieces left this morning, I ate one and my wife ate the other. So now it's all gone and my teeth hurt lol. It was absolutely delicious though.

There's cheesecake to be had at my mom's house this Friday as well. But besides those indulgences I am still avoiding sugar like the plague.
I think it makes the treats more enjoyable, although more saccharine as well. Cake should feel indulgent, it IS indulgent!
Now it's more special, really something to be enjoyed on a birthday or other special occasion, it used to be something I ate rather often.

Overall I had a really good birthday. It's not like it was the most exciting birthday ever or anything, but it was super chill.
We went on a REALLY long walk and played around at the park playground for a little while. Watched the amazing sunset.
10/10 great way to bring in the new year!

 

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8 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

@jpespenan I agree, I think watches are still very fashionable and aesthetically pleasing!

Today is day 28.

Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 24. My dad-in-law left me a box of fruit and some other snacks, plus a $25 uber eats gift card!
Then my mom-in-law called me just to say happy birthday and to chat. I called my grandma after that just to chat, and she was glad I did cause she's been so busy she forgot.
Then we went to my mom's house to chat and wait for my best friend to be dropped off, and my mom gave me my card from grandma and a bag of corn nuts (my fav!!)
When my friend arrived we went to pick up my other best friend and we all drove back to our house together. We had a really nice time, just chilling together.

After 2 years of procrastination I finally finished my best friend's birthday gift commission... on my birthday lol.
Here's "Fight Club Punchy"... (apologies that it's video game themed lol.)
Watercolor pencil, alcohol marker, pigma micron, and white gel pen on poster board.
IMG_20200617_222046.jpg

That might be the first and last time I ever draw a cigarette lmao.

It was so nice to finally be able to send that home with them! Took me long enough... Maybe this is the year I really start getting shit done.
"The giver should be thankful" is absolutely true. I am So grateful for this opportunity to give them such a personalized gift!
And honestly the colouring job is probably way better now than it would have been when I did the line art, perhaps it was meant to be.

I did indulge in birthday cake yesterday. I was extremely lucky that I didn't get a headache ahaha.
Not a very big cake mind you but still 300 cal and 28g of sugar per serving, and I did cut it into 6ths as suggested.
There were two pieces left this morning, I ate one and my wife ate the other. So now it's all gone and my teeth hurt lol. It was absolutely delicious though.

There's cheesecake to be had at my mom's house this Friday as well. But besides those indulgences I am still avoiding sugar like the plague.
I think it makes the treats more enjoyable, although more saccharine as well. Cake should feel indulgent, it IS indulgent!
Now it's more special, really something to be enjoyed on a birthday or other special occasion, it used to be something I ate rather often.

Overall I had a really good birthday. It's not like it was the most exciting birthday ever or anything, but it was super chill.
We went on a REALLY long walk and played around at the park playground for a little while. Watched the amazing sunset.
10/10 great way to bring in the new year!

 

Happy birthday! I hope you have a great year. Good job not indulging in the sugar. I find that if I resist that first temptation to indulge in sugar I don't have any proceeding urges. They just stop after the first urge. After that I can delegate the sweets in my home and eat like 1 treat per week or something rather than coming home with all of them and going bananas with them. I do that because eating too much junk makes me sick and I hate feeling like sick. I also want to be attractive and maintain my shape. I've lost 25 lbs this year and don't want to go back on that hard work.  

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On 6/18/2020 at 8:07 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Happy birthday! I hope you have a great year. Good job not indulging in the sugar. I find that if I resist that first temptation to indulge in sugar I don't have any proceeding urges. They just stop after the first urge. After that I can delegate the sweets in my home and eat like 1 treat per week or something rather than coming home with all of them and going bananas with them. I do that because eating too much junk makes me sick and I hate feeling like sick. I also want to be attractive and maintain my shape. I've lost 25 lbs this year and don't want to go back on that hard work.  

I agree, the cravings are short lived, plus my cravings have actually been few and far between too!
I find myself craving fruits and vegetables now, instead of the sugary carb-y snacks I would always go to before.

And rather than the super-sugary coffees I used to treat myself with, I now treat myself with iced black americanos and enjoy them just as much if not more.
Plus, they're cheaper. Especially when I go to a local coffee stand rather than Starbucks....
I actually find the aftertaste of black coffee to be so much more pleasant and it doesn't leave my breath smelling like festering bacteria lol.

I forgot to mention in my last entry that I finally got around to making a short video review of the kalimba necklace I bought.

 

Edited by GrainSiloEnthusiast
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56 minutes ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I agree, the cravings are short lived, plus my cravings have actually been few and far between too!
I find myself craving fruits and vegetables now, instead of the sugary carb-y snacks I would always go to before.

And rather than the super-sugary coffees I used to treat myself with, I now treat myself with iced black americanos and enjoy them just as much if not more.
Plus, they're cheaper. Especially when I go to a local coffee stand rather than Starbucks....
I actually find the aftertaste of black coffee to be so much more pleasant and it doesn't leave my breath smelling like festering bacteria lol.

I forgot to mention in my last entry that I finally got around to making a short video review of the kalimba necklace I bought.

 

This is a great start.

Could I give a few suggestions for your next video? I think I would start the video off explaining what you're reviewing. Like I'd explain what the necklace is since I don't know what the purpose or meaning of it is. Then add the price immediately so I know what it's work instead of going to the link, and then add the rest of what you spoke about. You could also take a picture of it in a custom thumbnail with words once you verify your YouTube account. I'm gonna start making custom thumbnails on my channel soon.

I hope you enjoy your new hobby and I hope I didn't sound rude offering advice.

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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

This is a great start.

Could I give a few suggestions for your next video? I think I would start the video off explaining what you're reviewing. Like I'd explain what the necklace is since I don't know what the purpose or meaning of it is. Then add the price immediately so I know what it's work instead of going to the link, and then add the rest of what you spoke about. You could also take a picture of it in a custom thumbnail with words once you verify your YouTube account. I'm gonna start making custom thumbnails on my channel soon.

I hope you enjoy your new hobby and I hope I didn't sound rude offering advice.

I do appreciate the advice, but I'm not trying to "be a reviewer" or anything. It was mostly just to show it off to my friends and give the people reading reviews on etsy a little more than "oh it's so nice!" If I ever really got into making videos I would definitely keep this all in mind though 🙂

 

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