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ThouWow

My First Daily Journal

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Hello! (Note: I'm in a rare good mind right now so future entries may vary)

Gaming has been my escape and my safe space for years but it's only in the last year or so, I realised it was just a way to feed my OCD compulsions. I didn't know how to live life but that 's okay because I could just play an immersive story game and forget about everything but the pleasure fades over time so only the compulsion remains.

I bought Respawn Basic around 9 months ago and never really tried it, I instead spent that time playing, watching and rewatching old games until I had no more games to compulse over.  

That has worked loosely, I play nintendo games with family sometimes, I messed around with old pc games but I think now is the time to stop for good.

Day 1: Chapter one finished   (o´ω`o)

I've been watching Game Grumps and D&D streams today because it was easy to fill the time of a boring day but I have to admit that it isn't right. I watch videos of people having fun playing games because it's a feeling I haven't had in a while and i'm trying to simulate it artificially.

The games weren't so bad today but the roleplay is a big desire at the moment. I used to play D&D with a group every week for around 2 years and it was worst than games because it allowed me to be gratified in company with more world interaction than any game could hope for.

I'm banning it the same as games right now but I think in the future, I'd like to try D&D again but next time with more humility.

See you tomorrow~

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Day 2: Chapter 2 - Delete accounts, Uninstall games - complete! 🧐

Without realised it, I completed chapter 2 months ago which is good.

I bought most of my games on PC via G2A so any money I lost in deleting my account was only a fraction of retail cost anyway.

Now I only have a few consoles with treasured games i'll keep for decades hopefully and I've played them so much, there was literally nothing to do anymore.

What I have done now is remove YT gaming and block websites like D&D stuff, maybe some game wikis. Cam got it spot on in the guide, I would passively watch gaming videos when I was bored and needed a distraction. I don't know how I can overcome that but I hope the next chapter 'The New You" is going to help.

Sayonara~

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Welcome ThouWow. What you go through and feel right now is so relatable to me and so many of us, especially the feeling that gaming is not fun anymore. That makes me a sucker for YouTube, too. You watch these people have fun, develop community and create something awesome but you know that you will never feel that way. This is my greatest challenge! However, as soon as you realize that you have already made progress. I see, you already understand yourself well.

I am looking forward to hearing from you and to see how your journey goes. 

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Day 2: Chapter 3 - A New You - Completed 

I'm not feeling it today 😕 The chapter made sense and everything but i'm not in a 'believing in myself' state right now. 

It's just been a difficult time for all of us and I've got family to worry about but I think the belief is more of a ever-present self-esteem issue.

I don't have anyone to support me emotionally and games told me when I was doing right, that I was successful and without them, life is full of uncertainty.

Cam talked about practising starcraft to get the satisfaction of being his friends and that remembered me of a similar situation. A few years ago, I had a friend who would visit me and we'd play games but the one thing we'd play most was Tekken TT2 for 360. He had played the whole series since her was a kid and so playing him was an impossible challenge, I would win 1 every 12 matches but I now realise that gave me the reason to practise and learn the movesets of characters so that I could finally become an equal. Long story short, we didn't meet up for months (haven't played together since) and the love of Tekken faded and I didn't know exactly why but here we are. I still have it in a box and my mind has wandered to old memories of it several times today. 

It's not the compulsion to play and finish games anymore, it's extracting those old fun feelings of friendship without the difficult friend part.

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By the way, thank you guys for welcoming me to the community, I haven't been on an online forum in years and it's good to see i'm not alone in this 😀

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Day 3: Chapter 4 - Try new activities, replace gaming - Started

I legit spend all day watching youtube, feel unsatisfied and I once looked up the true ending of a game I never 100%'d. 

Times like this where there isn't enough going on to occupy my mind, it's like all I can see is a mirror of how my sad my life is and all I want to do is get away from it. I can't even sit still typing things because I need some kind of constant interaction. I just keep things about popular RPGs that in the past totally took over and allowed me to be the most important person in that little box of stuff. I could be nice and heroic, I could be evil and sadistic - the point is that I was in control and I loved it. 

Sad part is that I know at this stage they won't do that for me anymore, otherwise I'd probably still be playing and feeling satisfied. My mind wants the next level hit that games can't give me but there isn't anything better. The mind's ability to strive for more has brought us incredible civilisation but is suffocating me right now.

The activities I could drum up are as follows:
Mental-engaging: Graphic Design, Yoga, Piano, Singing
Resting/low energy: Reading (non-compulsive), Music, Jigsaws
Social (limited rn): Online chats, Calling people

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Day 4: No book progress

I was a more bit social today, texted some old friends and had a run.

I've been tossing this 'satisfaction' problem in my head a lot and I now think that games allowed me to create (Creator mindset) without any of the work or effort needed in actual creator activities. As a result, what I want is to create something good and it should reward with dopamine and such. Games can't do that because I have played with all the tools in the sandbox so everything is predictable and i'm not technically creating anything. So I need to put effort into Graphic Design and singing, the two creator hobbies I enjoy (Piano is way to hard). 

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Thank you for being so honest with us and giving us insight into what you are currently thinking about. I also find it awesome that you picked out hobbies you want to try out.

Dopamine is actually the neurotransmitter responsible for anticipation but it starts to fade once results do not kick in, which is if our expectations are not met. In video games, YouTube, porn and social media results often come easier than in anything else. (You might notice that results is a very abstract term.) I personally struggle with too high expectations which makes me procrastinate. Take for example that I am a good drummer but since a few weeks improvement has become difficult. I listen to all those top notch drummers and I am like: "I will never be able to do this." Use experienced people/pros as inspirations but make your past self your frame of reference. Learn to love the process and you will love anything you put effort into. For the time being start something you believe you can do and go easy on yourself! Good luck.

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