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Thanks a lot for that amazing video. Many of the issues you spoke about, take disrupted routines through self-isolation, reflect my current state quite well. Only now have I realised how much structure going to school gave me. 

You are a big help. Through your honesty you show me that progress takes time and is always related to struggle. Keep going!

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I'll be honest, the only reason I'm starting this journal is because I'm trying so hard to distract myself from gaming that I'm doing whatever I can to stay away. In the past I've started journal

Sat in the airport waiting for my flight to Vietnam and thought I'd do a quick update post. After talking to Cam about what I/we do at Game Quitters, he helped me realize something that had a pre

Day 37 >Game-free: 37 days Journal This weekend has been both interesting and boring at the same time. I thought I'd try to separate my week up, and do the bulk of my work on the wee

@Captain_Pilz Oh wow, thank you! That means a lot. I'm glad it helped We really take for granted those things that gave us structure, don't we? And yeah, I expected myself to be a lot better off than I am at the moment after 5 years of quitting gaming, but I'm not, so we just have to keep going until we're where we want to be! Stay strong.

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Day 28

>Game-free: 28 days
>Gaming videos: 28 days
>Social Media: 0 days 
>Meditation: 0 days

Journal

Yesterday was an amazing day from a productivity perspective. I basically made use of two things: Deep Work and Focus Batching - which is something I just made up yesterday but I like the name of it.

If you want to learn more watch the video I did, which sums pretty much everything up:

 

In terms of everything else that's going on, not sure what to say really. My mornings have deteriorated somewhat, although I'm still maintaining a few of my typical habits. The problem is that I don't want to start work straight away, I need a little 'warm up' time, and that's usually filled by meditation and journalling. However, it's becoming a habit to check coronavirus stuff, which just leads to more Reddit and Twitter use.

I guess the only silver lining is that I'm not wasting my entire day on them, I'm finding it easier to stop when I want to instead of just going through them for hours on end. It's 9:45am at the moment, and I like to start work at 10am, so I guess it's not all too bad, and maybe it's not having an effect at all. I do know that I'd rather not spend so much time on them, especially in the morning, but its almost become habitual to the point where I feel like I can't avoid it.

I'm not going to use any social media for the rest of the day, and I'll try to do an update post later on to see how I get on.

One thing I definitely need to do is stop watching this zombie Netflix show - Kingdom - before bed, as it keeps me alert. In the past I was reading my book as the last thing before bed, but now I tend to read my book and then watch the show with my girlfriend. My poor morning routine is probably a direct result of my poor bedtime routine, so maybe I should focus on fixing that.

All in all, though, things are going really well outside of the problems I mentioned here. My mental and physical health are in a good place, I'm feeling positive, I'm spending a lot of time learning things and while I wish I wasn't in self-isolation, things could be going a lot worse.

Hope you're all doing well!

Peace.

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@Erik2.0 Thanks, me too! And yeah there are some moments like that in the series, but it's more about the twists that are going on and constantly evolving throughout the series that make it interesting. Was worth watching and got pretty tense at the end of the second season!

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Day 29

>Game-free: 29 days
>Gaming videos: 29 days

Journal

Not going well from a social media/meditation standpoint. Well, it is and it isn't. On the one hand, it sucks that I'm not following through with it, but on the other, as far as I can tell it's having next to no actual effect on my productivity, my work, my habits, sleep or anything else. The only negative is that I'm missing out on the positive.

I think I might be trying to take on too much at once, with the gaming detox and no videos on top of social media and other daily habits it's just too much pressure to keep on top of it all.

I'm taking off the tracker for them, and I'm just going to focus on the gaming detox for now, and if I feel like meditating I will. If I spent 30 minutes a day on social media then so be it, that's better than 3 hours. I just have to make sure it doesn't get out of control.

That being said, the gaming detox is actually going really well. I'm in that midpoint section where the cravings disappear and you take more time and effort in doing hobbies, as limited as it is right now with the quarantine. But yeah, I'm really happy with the progress I've made. 

Peace!

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Day 30

>Game-free: 30 days
>Gaming videos: 30 days

Journal

Taking a break from work to write this journal, as I didn't have time to do it this morning. Well, I say I didn't have time. I just didn't feel like it.

I guess I'll start with the big news: After this month (in 3 days time) I'll no longer be working with Game Quitters.

I mentioned in some videos and posts that I'm taking a different direction with my work and focusing on freelancing, and after a discussion with Cam we came to the decision that it's best for us to part ways.

This also means there won't be any more podcast episodes after these current ones have been scheduled (2 more weeks of episodes).

I'll still be around on the forums, so that won't change. However, I'll no longer be doing any writing, videos, marketing stuff, social media and so on.

What am I doing instead? I'm going all in on myself.

I think I'm at a necessary stage in my journey, where I'm ready to move on and take my path into my own hands. I want to create my own businesses, and really earn my income. It's going to be incredibly difficult, sure, but I don't think I can get to where I want to be in the future if I continue trying to work for a company. I've got big goals.

I'm going to be focusing my business on search engine optimization (SEO), writing, and maybe podcast related services such as audio editing. As well as providing consultations in each of these areas and maybe even personal coaching on the side. So, if you have a business or know anyone with a business that could benefit, let me know! 😉 

 

My first step is to replace my income. My current monthly earnings are $0, so that needs to go up. I have enough of a savings buffer that I can last 2 months fairly easily, which will be ample time to get things going.

I'll keep you all up to date with the ins and outs of it here and on my YouTube channel, so don't forget to subscribe if you're interested in learning more about mindset, online business, freelancing, money and travel!

 

Peace.

Edited by James Good
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Day 31

>Game-free: 31 days
>Gaming videos: 31 days

Journal

Getting back on the morning journal again. Also shifting my wake-up time back a while (6:45am from 8am). I've got a lot of work I need to do, and I need that uninterrupted quiet time in the morning to get this done. In the short term my work hours are going up a lot, but I know from experience it's not sustainable long term.

Today I'm going to be reaching out to some people, getting started on my website, plan out my content, do a whole load of organization work, work on my social media, and go through some courses I've been doing.

It's a pretty packed day, but my GF is going to be away most of the day if not until tomorrow, so I'm going to dial in and get as much done as I can.

No time for cravings here.

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Day 32

>Game-free: 32 days
>Gaming videos: 0 days

Journal

I'm not even sure what to say about yesterday. It started off so well and ended so disastrously. Seriously, it's ridiculous.

I woke up early and completed every one of my important tasks for the day, as well as half of my secondary tasks, before 1pm. My girlfriend had gone home to visit her mom, and she won't be back until later today (this is relevant to the story).

Then, for some reason, it was as though I had to indulge in everything I knew I shouldn't. I couldn't control myself.

I didn't have any meat defrosted so I had the greasiest, fattest burger imaginable. I watched some disgusting porn. I watched gaming videos on YouTube and Twitch for the rest of the day. I went to the local 7/11 to get some food for dinner - pork + garlic spaghetti and a minced pork steamed bun - but also ordered a ridiculously oversized whipped cream, caramel, and banana roti. It was so much sugar and fat on top of me already being full I had no choice but to make myself throw up after eating it. Then, I went on to watch gaming videos and have a half-hearted attempt at the remainder of my tasks and passed out at around 01:30am. 

What in the world...

The only things I can think of as to why it happened was due to me allowed more leniency over time starting with going back to social media, then Reddit, then disabling the browser blocking tool, then going into a gaming subreddit to check on how my favourite streamer is doing. This has been happening over the last few days, and I guess combining this with the change in direction in my job (leaving Game Quitters and pursuing freelance work), increased pressure, and because I was more tired from waking up earlier, it caused me to escape into these things.

If someone has any insight into why this happened I'm all ears.

I woke up today feeling great. I'm currently continuing the gaming videos I was watching yesterday while drinking my coffee, but I've got no intention of binging it all day. Once my journal is done, I've had my coffee, I've set up my day and got everything ready, I'm going to commit to getting all my work done.

It's also a terrible reason but it's a lot easier for me to avoid gaming videos when my girlfriend is home. But this is something I'm trying to work on - the feeling of embarrassment or shame not propagating itself into my life when someone isn't holding me accountable.

I guess the only downside is that it's making me crave Minecraft, and I almost messaged my cousin asking if he wanted to start up a modded world. This is something I'd genuinely love to do, and would really enjoy. That's not even the addict brain talking. But I know that not only would I be letting myself down, and my girlfriend down, the resulting impact it would have on my life and mood just wouldn't be worth it. I'm in the most crucial period of my life from a business standpoint, which is why the cravings are coming up, and so I know I can't let it back into myself. 

I'm reminding myself of how sure I was that I could moderate in the past, and how quickly it turned on its head. 

 

Here's yesterdays video (made before everything went to shit) about how Thailand is handling the coronavirus:

 

Thanks for reading!

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6 hours ago, James Good said:

I had no choice but to make myself throw up after eating it.

That does not sound good. Did this happen before? 

6 hours ago, James Good said:

If someone has any insight into why this happened I'm all ears.

There might be an external reason like something bad has happened and you wanted to get rid of that. Regardless, this has happened, because you decided to do it. And there is no reason to beat yourself up because of it. Relapse happens. Sometimes, we overeat. If your desires und goals in life are stronger that those short term temptations, it is going to be fine on average.

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I can share this thing that may or may not be applicable to you. If you conpleted all your important tasks way too early in the day like you have said (by 1 pm), then there is this question mark of what to do now? If this question goes unanswered, the gaming nature reawakens. 

I remember watching a football match with my Dad where our team scored in the first 10 minutes of the match. “This can demotivate them” was my father’s comment and this is how it played out. They went from enthusiastic attacking to lazy and complacent defending, they were just eager to end it at 1:0 score and the other team, having noticed this, mobilized its efforts and equalized.

Another thing is to find a “healthy” thing to waste time. I used to play airsoft and paintball with my friends on weekends and it was the PERFECT exploit. It was healthy, fun, adventurous and all the rest. No feelings of regret.

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Day 33

>Game-free: 33 days
>Gaming videos: 0 days

Journal

Haven't got much time to write a journal today, it completely went past me!

Just going to give a quick update on the things I talked about yesterday. Today was nowhere near as bad in every single sense, although I did watch a lot of gaming videos and it's making me really want to play Minecraft with a friend. I was healthier, more productive, slept better, took an active part in my hobbies and yeah. I think yesterday was just a fluke implosion.

Highlights: 

- ton of work done
- almost finished my two websites
- ate healthy
- played guitar and sang a lot
- had good sleep
- started watching Tiger King

@Alexanderle @Amphibian220 appreciate the messages and I'll get back to you tomorrow. Just don't have time right now, sorry!

Also, watch my newest video to see what I'm doing after leaving my job at Game Quitters: 

 

 

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Day 34

>Game-free: 34 days
>Gaming videos: 0 days

Journal

Watched a load more gaming videos today, still all of them from the same YouTuber/Streamer - Northernlion. Woke up at around 6am and couldn't get back to sleep, so I just got up and tried to do some work on my laptop. I planned on getting into deep focus mode and doing a bunch of writing. But, pretty soon after sitting down, I opened up YouTube.

Fast forward to the afternoon and I just pass out while watching The Tiger King at around 3pm. End up waking at 6pm, feeling incredibly fatigued. I think I've been trying to force myself to do too much recently and my body is telling me to stop.

I noticed a huge, and I mean huge, increase in my ability to focus and get down to work when I needed to and be productive when I stopped trying to do as many tasks as possible.

Then, once I tried to get back into hustle mode my body is like nah. The chronic levels of fatigue lead to reduced focus, mood and more stress, which then results in me firing up the internal self-doubt engine and eventually leads to my depression and escaping into YouTube/gaming (if I'm not doing a detox).

Maybe this is the reason I've been having cycles of productivity and depression every few months - burnout. It sounds crazy, especially for someone who has been so into personal development like I have, to never have even considered that my energy levels and sleep could be playing a part in it. As I'm writing this out I'm starting to realise how ridiculous that sounds...

It might not be related at all, I don't know. I can only try to sleep more, and not over-exert myself from 7am-10pm every day. Obviously I don't work those kinds of hours, but I expect myself to be able to. 

It's all starting to make sense holy shit. I'm coming to this realisation pretty much as I'm writing this, so you're getting my real-time reaction haha.

I need to make a genuine effort to stay away from gaming videos tomorrow, and try to regain some semblance of a schedule/routine again. I really miss the gym.

Peace.

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Had a lot more time to think about this whole burnout thing, and it has really been eye-opening.

I'll post some more information tomorrow, but I've just released a video explaining it in more detail:

 

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Day 35

>Game-free: 35 days
>Gaming videos: 0 days

Journal

Productive day today. Still watched gaming videos, despite saying I was going to make an effort to avoid them. That was just an empty promise I guess, I made next to no effort at all. However, I don't mind. My attitude has shifted a lot today, and I'm feeling great for once. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I slept a lot (I woke up at like 9:30am), but I'm trying to be more relaxed in general. Or rather implement more self-care into my life.

Coming to the realisation of why I experience the need for escapism into gaming/videos has made a big difference in my mindset and how I approach things. Here's the basic rundown:

put too much pressure on myself -> inevitably can't do it all -> feel like an idiot -> think the solution is to work harder -> fail more -> get overwhelmed -> burnout and escape into gaming

This has been the general pattern for the last 4 or 5 years, repeating itself every few months. It's as though I've finally seen The Matrix, and I can't believe its taken me so long to realise it. I've always known that I get addicted to gaming in order to escape, but I never connected the dots and linked it to self-inflicted burnout.

I worked less hours today, sure, but I got some important tasks done and didn't feel overwhelmed. It was a great feeling.

The cravings are still there, but it's not getting in the way of my daily life. While I've said it in the past and it just goes tits up, I do think I'll be able to play video games in moderation in the future. Genuinely. My attitude to gaming has shifted completely, it really feels like a huge weight has been lifted.

I'm obviously not going to game for the rest of the 90 days, and likely a lot longer than that, but it's an interesting thing to think about. I'm also not going to hold myself to too many things, like avoiding gaming videos, gaming, porn, social media and everything else. It's way too much.

If you want more information check out my recent video! Thanks for reading.

 

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Day 36

>Game-free: 36 days

Journal

The motivation to keep up with the journal is proving more difficult every day. Not necessarily because I don't want to, there's just nothing really happening. There's only so much I can do with my hobbies, work, and my girlfriend. There isn't 24 hours a day 7 days a week worth of stuff to do in my flat, and as a result I'm just pretty bored.

I miss going out. Even if it's just to cafes or the mall or cinema or whatever.

I want to game, there's no doubt about that, it'd be an easy fix to the boredom. But, obviously I'm not going to do it. No matter how juicy MInecraft mods are or how the new Mount and Blade looks.

Made a video about whether or not I'm going to go back to gaming in moderation after this 90 day detox is over. I'm pretty confident that I could moderate it, however I don't know if I'm better off ignoring it entirely or trying to battle against it. I think this want to moderate is coming about due to the detox + quarantine craving hot pot combo, which is why I made the video. On the one hand gaming is something I genuinely enjoyed, and now that I know why I take it to excess and how I can avoid it I feel much better about moderating it. On the other, I've tried it so many times in the past that is it even worth it?

You can make the whole "yOu'Re JuSt WaStInG tImE gEtTiNg PiXeLs" arguments, but I don't think that's the case. I think for some games, sure, that might be true. But there are so many stories, worlds, and experiences in the gaming world that I love. Whether it's the intricate storytelling in Divinity, or the world design and lore of Dark Souls, or exploring the land in Skyrim. There are moments of magic hidden in gaming, I'm just concerned about my ability to not get lost in it. Regardless of how confident I am.

It'll be interesting to see how my thoughts compare between 30 days in and 90 days in about whether or not I can game again in the future.

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Your realisation just proved to me how important the why in addiction is. I know that I do it for escapism, too, but I never took the reason seriously. I will definitely reflect upon this tomorrow.

As for gaming in moderation, you probably know my comment (It is a very bad idea, especially with your past relapses in mind). I think that way, I am not willing to take this risk but you have to find your own way. Also, you are right because your journal is a great way to track your thoughts and see how you progress and think differently.

Keep going mate! 

 

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Isn't talking about the idea to do something in moderation already giving something power? Power in the sense that we somehow have to be careful and look out, otherwise it will take over? So that we are admitting that it IS a problem! Ofc we could also say that not doing it at all and trying to avoid it at all cost also gives it some power and the image of a monster lurking in the shadows.

So regardless, if we are trying to be in control, which I think is your goal here, in order to enjoy the pleasure of games and their varieties of arts, we are in dangerous territory. Because no matter if done in moderation or not at all (like the detox), we are admitting that it has power to control our behavior. Why go into this fight, if the chance that we lose is high? The only "proof" that we might win the fight, is actually the absense of a fight: We don't care about moderation or not doing something or relapses. We just do something, but than we have no problem to stop it anytime and do something else. Like maybe someone, who decides to read a bit, but that quits after 20 minutes, because he has to go back to work. All without internal struggle, because it is just his hobby to read and a way to relax and come down. Nothing more, nothing less. But then, it we are in that stage, we have no problem to begin with...

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14 hours ago, James Good said:

I'm pretty confident that I could moderate it, however I don't know if I'm better off ignoring it entirely or trying to battle against it. I think this want to moderate is coming about due to the detox + quarantine craving hot pot combo, which is why I made the video.

I'd say you're thinking of playing and your mind is saying you can try moderation. It's like being on a diet and seeing 4 pieces of cake. "Well, I'll just have one...or one piece every Monday!" and you end up eating the whole cake on Monday and Tuesday.

The best way to handle gaming is to not game. Some people can game, others can't without being addicted. It's like how I can drink 1 beer and not want another one. Others drink 1 and binge drink to sickness.

Looping back to my cake/diet example. I think you can treat gaming addiction like food addiction. If you replace old eating habits with a new eating style, you won't have to stay on a diet. You'll just enjoy your new food choices. I substituted chocolate chip pancakes for protein pancakes with no added sugar or chocolate. I replaced video games with socializing with friends, rock climbing, reading, and other hobbies. Now I don't even crave either anymore.

I fail at porn because I keep thinking..."well...I can masturbate on Friday." Then I do it every day for 2 weeks. I don't have a girlfriend so it's hard to relieve that urge in a healthy way. Replacing things is a big way to do it. I have not met a single person on this forum who can and has exhibited examples of themselves moderately gaming for a few days per week or a set period of time without falling into complete addiction again. It might be possible, but it's slim. You see people saying they'll try moderation and then you don't see them post on the website for weeks or months at a time. They avoid it out of shame. Then they build the courage to quit and courage to post here again. They explain how they binged for weeks or months after trying moderation. It just doesn't work. I don't believe in it. 

I might be sounding like a jerk here, so I apologize for being blunt. I am just straight forward and want to make sure you stay on the right path.

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3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I fail at porn because I keep thinking..."well...I can masturbate on Friday." Then I do it every day for 2 weeks. I don't have a girlfriend so it's hard to relieve that urge in a healthy way. Replacing things is a big way to do it.

I think that this is the perfect explanation, why I still struggle with pornogrophy. It worked to avoid it, when I had a short thing going on for a couple of days. But there is just no replacement. Straight on point!

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17 hours ago, Captain_Pilz said:

Your realisation just proved to me how important the why in addiction is. I know that I do it for escapism, too, but I never took the reason seriously. I will definitely reflect upon this tomorrow.

As for gaming in moderation, you probably know my comment (It is a very bad idea, especially with your past relapses in mind). I think that way, I am not willing to take this risk but you have to find your own way. Also, you are right because your journal is a great way to track your thoughts and see how you progress and think differently.

Keep going mate! 

 

Glad I could help! Let me know how it goes.

And I think after having some time to think about it, you might be right. I need to consider my past experiences and how I've said exactly the same thing to myself in the past. We'll see how it goes!

17 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

Isn't talking about the idea to do something in moderation already giving something power? Power in the sense that we somehow have to be careful and look out, otherwise it will take over? So that we are admitting that it IS a problem! Ofc we could also say that not doing it at all and trying to avoid it at all cost also gives it some power and the image of a monster lurking in the shadows.

So regardless, if we are trying to be in control, which I think is your goal here, in order to enjoy the pleasure of games and their varieties of arts, we are in dangerous territory. Because no matter if done in moderation or not at all (like the detox), we are admitting that it has power to control our behavior. Why go into this fight, if the chance that we lose is high? The only "proof" that we might win the fight, is actually the absense of a fight: We don't care about moderation or not doing something or relapses. We just do something, but than we have no problem to stop it anytime and do something else. Like maybe someone, who decides to read a bit, but that quits after 20 minutes, because he has to go back to work. All without internal struggle, because it is just his hobby to read and a way to relax and come down. Nothing more, nothing less. But then, it we are in that stage, we have no problem to begin with...

This made me think a lot today. Like a lot a lot. It's such a powerful way of thinking about it. If I wasn't concerned with moderation or relapsing or limiting or anything like that it'd just be another thing in my life. I wouldn't think about the negatives, it'd just exist in my life and that's it. Now that I know about this, though, is it even possible to consciously shift my thinking as a result? Or is it now something that has a permanent place of power in my life after years of trying to beat it?

I honestly don't know, but thank you for opening my eyes to this line of thinking.

10 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'd say you're thinking of playing and your mind is saying you can try moderation. It's like being on a diet and seeing 4 pieces of cake. "Well, I'll just have one...or one piece every Monday!" and you end up eating the whole cake on Monday and Tuesday.

The best way to handle gaming is to not game. Some people can game, others can't without being addicted. It's like how I can drink 1 beer and not want another one. Others drink 1 and binge drink to sickness.

Looping back to my cake/diet example. I think you can treat gaming addiction like food addiction. If you replace old eating habits with a new eating style, you won't have to stay on a diet. You'll just enjoy your new food choices. I substituted chocolate chip pancakes for protein pancakes with no added sugar or chocolate. I replaced video games with socializing with friends, rock climbing, reading, and other hobbies. Now I don't even crave either anymore.

I fail at porn because I keep thinking..."well...I can masturbate on Friday." Then I do it every day for 2 weeks. I don't have a girlfriend so it's hard to relieve that urge in a healthy way. Replacing things is a big way to do it. I have not met a single person on this forum who can and has exhibited examples of themselves moderately gaming for a few days per week or a set period of time without falling into complete addiction again. It might be possible, but it's slim. You see people saying they'll try moderation and then you don't see them post on the website for weeks or months at a time. They avoid it out of shame. Then they build the courage to quit and courage to post here again. They explain how they binged for weeks or months after trying moderation. It just doesn't work. I don't believe in it. 

I might be sounding like a jerk here, so I apologize for being blunt. I am just straight forward and want to make sure you stay on the right path.

I think you're right, and I didn't think you sounded like a jerk at all. It's great advice. After some thinking today (see Alexanderle's comment), it's pretty clear to me that if I wanted gaming to be a part of my life I couldn't enforce limits or periods of time, I'd just have to be doing more things that I value over gaming and have it take a lesser role in my life. 

The question is whether it's even worth it or not. I have no idea right now. I think I need more time to get through this detox period. My brain is incredibly susceptible to cravings and urges, and it's just not worth trying to make decisions at this point in time.

It's still interesting to think about though, as I'm not in any danger of relapsing at the moment. I think it's healthy to improve my understanding of the situation on a deeper level.

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Day 37

>Game-free: 37 days

Journal

This weekend has been both interesting and boring at the same time. I thought I'd try to separate my week up, and do the bulk of my work on the weekdays and then use my weekends for learning + personal project stuff. 

I went through a bunch more of the courses I'm doing on SEO + Blogging. I knew some of it already but at the same time with every new resource I consume there's always something new to learn. It's so fascinating. I also made some good progress on my websites, they should be up and running next week.

I've got some calls booked next week with some potential clients, and hopefully I can build these relationships into something great. At the same time I'm hoping to use these initial experiences to gain some reviews/testimonials to use on sites like Upwork/Fiverr along with my own website. They're crucial for getting started up on freelance sites. I need to make money fast this month, as I can't afford to pay for both myself and my girlfriend much longer - maybe 4 more weeks at best - so I need to make high impact decisions and move fast.

In other news I recorded my first ever cover today. I've never recorded myself singing before, I didn't warm up, and I only recorded 1 take. Regardless, I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. It was a bit nerve-wracking put it out there, but I need to put myself outside my comfort zone more if I'm to grow.

Let me know what you think! (and yes, I know the song is hella old but I don't know too many songs all the way through without lyrics/music):

 

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34 minutes ago, James Good said:

Now that I know about this, though, is it even possible to consciously shift my thinking as a result? Or is it now something that has a permanent place of power in my life after years of trying to beat it?

That is a difficult question to ponder. Because I am in a similar situation, where I just went with the strategy to admit that it has power over my life and just completely ignore it. I did this with gaming as well as with sugar. I saw it a couple of days ago, when my father celebrated his birthday. We had some cake. Now, I don't eat that stuff ever, but for this occasion, my family almost forced me to have at least a little piece of it. Immediately, when eating it, there was this feeling that I could always have more. Without even being hungry or anything, I could have easily eat a couple of more pieces. So, despite pretty much avoiding it all the time at all cost, sugar still has power. I think, it would be similar with gaming. And when I look around, no former drug addict, may it be of alcohol, cigarettes or harder drugs seemed to be successful with moderate consumption.

I have this feeling that even without eating sugar for years, I would still have the same feeling - How tasty it is, how good it makes me feel. So I have no idea. I just can't answer this question. I am actually afraid, if I would ever fall back into the trap of sweets, sugary drinks or cookies, everything would crumble. My whole confidence in myself started with my "control" over sugar. So I am too afraid to go back. And don't get me started with gaming. xD 

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Day 38

>Game-free: 38 days

Journal

I can't tell if the thoughts I have are actual thoughts or if they're because of the detox. It's aggravating.

I'm even considering moving away from Game Quitters altogether, and scrapping the gaming detox, because all it's doing is making me think of gaming every day and staying away from it - when in reality I don't want to do that. Or do I... I don't know.

It's hard for me to explain my train of thought. I'm not even sure I fully understand it myself. I'm so confused about so many things.

One minute I'm focused on my work and excited for the possibilities, the next I hate everything and just want to hide away. One day I love who I am and I feel extremely confident, the next I hate everything about me.

I don't really know why I'm talking about this stuff, I'm pretty much just typing whatever comes into my head. Trying to find some rationality in my thoughts I guess?

Honestly, it could be any number of factors contributing to my mood at the moment. The detox, my diet, sleep, Twitch/YouTube, social media... Anything. 

 

In other new, I've stopped doing daily videos on YouTube. The main reason is because I want to make better quality videos. As of right now I don't want to record videos in the day because it cuts into my work. And by recording them in the evening it's super rushed with bad lighting. If I do 1 or 2 videos a week I can record b-roll, do better editing, and make a video that people actually want to watch.

I originally wanted to do 90 videos in 90 days as a challenge to myself and as a way of keeping up with the detox. It was also a way for me to improve my video skills quickly so by the time I upgrade my studio I'm ready to go. Honestly, I just don't care about the 90 in 90 as much as I did. It's too much effort, too draining, and is completely counter-productive to what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to be easier on myself and relax more when it's time to relax, but instead I'm finishing my work day, eating dinner, and then spending the evening doing the video and my journal. 

They're both things I don't really want to do. It's more that I feel like I have to do them.

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