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ceponatia

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Oh yeah and I went on a couple dates last week with a beautiful woman I've known for a long time. She lives out of state and was just visiting so I don't know what the future holds there, but I'm just taking it as it is.

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I always found myself to be independent of liberal and conservative because I want to be my own thinker. Just take your time and learn in college. It's gonna be good. I think you've shown great growth here over the past few months and you're well on your way. You'll meet someone and things will start to fall into place. 

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9 hours ago, ceponatia said:

Despite what we think, nobody really likes thinking for themselves. It's hard. Even when we do think we have an original opinion it's usually just something we've read or heard and we're repeating it without knowing. Kinda crazy when you think about it.

It's interesting, but it works that way. I can see that visibly in every article that I wrote on my blog. I guess the biggest question then is what determines which channels of information you decide to consume, though I don't believe that it's a rational choice. I thought of a point once that quitting gaming was actually the irrational choice for me - that I was giving up something I was good at, that it was fun and that I've been doing it for a long time.

Good luck with the woman!

Edited by Ikar
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People shouldn't be concerned with having unique ideas*, but rather - getting closer to truth. We should be humble and start with learning the great intellectual heritage of the world. That way, we will save ourselves a lot of wasted time spent on musings over "our" ideas that where already thought through, sometimes even thousands of years ago. Learning doesn't mean just accepting at face value, of course. True learning is understanding, and understanding is an individual effort. So we shouldn't be passive. Yet, we shouldn't isolate ourselves neither.
...
*This obsession over "unique" ideas started historically with Romanticism (18th century), and it is based upon an idea** that genius is a source of true knowledge. By genius, romantics think of someone who is in some special way - more connected emotionally, spiritually and/or intellectually - to the world/nature/god. He sees while other merely try to watch, hears while other merely try to listen, contemplates while others merely try to reason. People like Schopenhauer, Rousseau, Wagner, Goethe and Nietzsche come to mind. 

** so, ironically, your attitude towards independent thinking is culturally inherited and learned, both from Romanticism and from the Enlightenment. 

Edited by gargamel
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8 hours ago, gargamel said:

People shouldn't be concerned with having unique ideas*, but rather - getting closer to truth. We should be humble and start with learning the great intellectual heritage of the world. That way, we will save ourselves a lot of wasted time spent on musings over "our" ideas that where already thought through, sometimes even thousands of years ago. Learning doesn't mean just accepting at face value, of course. True learning is understanding, and understanding is an individual effort. So we shouldn't be passive. Yet, we shouldn't isolate ourselves neither.
...
*This obsession over "unique" ideas started historically with Romanticism (18th century), and it is based upon an idea** that genius is a source of true knowledge. By genius, romantics think of someone who is in some special way - more connected emotionally, spiritually and/or intellectually - to the world/nature/god. He sees while other merely try to watch, hears while other merely try to listen, contemplates while others merely try to reason. People like Schopenhauer, Rousseau, Wagner, Goethe and Nietzsche come to mind. 

** so, ironically, your attitude towards independent thinking is culturally inherited and learned, both from Romanticism and from the Enlightenment. 

Coincidentally I was thinking about this very thing this morning before work. Or maybe it was last night before I fell asleep. All a blur, haha. Life is a collaboration whether we intentionally participate in it or unintentionally. Every idea we have, thing we say, and even the things we enjoy and commit our lives do are based on something we saw someone else do, heard someone else say, and so on. That doesn't mean it doesn't have value, quite the opposite I think.

But what I was trying to say in my original post wasn't that we should be concerned with having unique ideas, just that many people criticize others for not "doing the research" and so on when in reality virtually nobody does any research. It's human. You find your tribe and you parrot what they believe. Like @BooksandTrees I try to be independent of all of that but we do still fall somewhere on the political spectrum. I think that idea is out dated and I've been trying to puzzle out a better way to measure ideas but I don't know if I'm really the man for that job, lol. 

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if you find and say something that is closer to the truth, you are at odds with your tribe. If you have the vision and strong enough character to bring forward meaningful change for the better you are at war with self and your peers.

But closer to the point that matters-Even honesty with self requires us to go through stages of recovery that will not be pleasant to us (the struggle within). Applied research allows us to discover things about solutions to our problems that we could have never done without it so I absolutely agree about researching.

Research is there, but many people discover the bad effects of video gaming first hand, rather than get a warning in a research paper. Video game companies have sponsored research that video games have beneficial effects on the health.

Edited by Amphibian220
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17 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

if you find and say something that is closer to the truth, you are at odds with your tribe. If you have the vision and strong enough character to bring forward meaningful change for the better you are at war with self and your peers.

But closer to the point that matters-Even honesty with self requires us to go through stages of recovery that will not be pleasant to us (the struggle within). Applied research allows us to discover things about solutions to our problems that we could have never done without it so I absolutely agree about researching.

Research is there, but many people discover the bad effects of video gaming first hand, rather than get a warning in a research paper. Video game companies have sponsored research that video games have beneficial effects on the health.

Yes it's interesting that we know from history that the same thing was done with both cigarettes and sugar (and even Radium) but people still fail to question research that says something is healthy when it's clearly too good to be true.

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This is one of my good weeks. I don't know what causes them but it appears to be having a really bad week leads to the next one being a total rebound. Last week I procrastinated and did my homework on the very last day, didn't work on any of my math course, and didn't write any music. This week I've gotten 50% of my schoolwork for the week done on the first day, caught up on SLEEP which I've needed to do for so long. Some people say you can't actually catch up on sleep and just getting one nights sleep will reset you but I haven't found that to be the case. I slept for 10 hours last night and I feel like a new man, lol.

Starting to focus on eating better finally. I've been thinking about it for 4 months but I'm just never hungry. I'm getting to that point where I have lost too much weight. I haven't been working out at all since lockdown started so I don't look underweight because I'm still flabby but if I were toned and had some muscle again I'd probably look skeletal. Getting outside for at least 30 minutes a day, too. Just feels better.

My planner needs a lot of focus too. I use it about 3 days a week and when I do use it I don't hold myself accountable for actually getting done what I write in it. This week I've been way more on top of that. Yesterday was a bit of a loss because I just needed to sleep but I feel great today so I foresee getting a lot done.

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3 hours ago, ceponatia said:

This is one of my good weeks. I don't know what causes them but it appears to be having a really bad week leads to the next one being a total rebound. Last week I procrastinated and did my homework on the very last day, didn't work on any of my math course, and didn't write any music. This week I've gotten 50% of my schoolwork for the week done on the first day, caught up on SLEEP which I've needed to do for so long. Some people say you can't actually catch up on sleep and just getting one nights sleep will reset you but I haven't found that to be the case. I slept for 10 hours last night and I feel like a new man, lol.

Starting to focus on eating better finally. I've been thinking about it for 4 months but I'm just never hungry. I'm getting to that point where I have lost too much weight. I haven't been working out at all since lockdown started so I don't look underweight because I'm still flabby but if I were toned and had some muscle again I'd probably look skeletal. Getting outside for at least 30 minutes a day, too. Just feels better.

My planner needs a lot of focus too. I use it about 3 days a week and when I do use it I don't hold myself accountable for actually getting done what I write in it. This week I've been way more on top of that. Yesterday was a bit of a loss because I just needed to sleep but I feel great today so I foresee getting a lot done.

You might be doing certain things that impact your upcoming week. Like you might feel down one week and overcompensate by having a really productive following week only to be burnt out again. I was doing this. I then realized some weeks I'd watch porn 10-15 times and then the next week I'd watch porn 0 times in order to feel better. So it could be a bad habit or just trying to balance your schedule out? Just a suggestion. I could be wrong. 

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30 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

You might be doing certain things that impact your upcoming week. Like you might feel down one week and overcompensate by having a really productive following week only to be burnt out again. I was doing this. I then realized some weeks I'd watch porn 10-15 times and then the next week I'd watch porn 0 times in order to feel better. So it could be a bad habit or just trying to balance your schedule out? Just a suggestion. I could be wrong. 

I've been thinking about that and have tried to be mindful of not putting too many lengthy activities in my planner for one day. I can probably space out my two classes better so that I work on them on alternating days. I don't think it's completely that though because I really don't do that much in my free time, haha. Lots of Netflix and laying around.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I grew up as a super-left beta male incel so a common trope among my group of friends was that people who drove trucks were moronic redneck gorillas. Yesterday I bought my first truck and I love it. Not only is it a sign of how much better my life has become since getting sober (actually driving something I want to drive instead of whatever piece of crap I can afford) but you feel a bit safer knowing that you could plow through virtually any vehicle in front of you and barely scratch your paint. Kidding, mostly. I was rear-ended full speed by a drunk driver while stopped at a light once by a Dodge Ram and it completely obliterated my Ford Focus while the Ram looked like it hadn't been touched.

This week was the last week of furlough but we're still working from home most of the week. Michigan has been one of the slower states to try to reopen and it's looking like that's a good thing when you look at places like Florida which is on the verge of becoming a zombie wasteland (well, it already kind of was wasn't it?). I've been using my planner more consistently finally and making a point to actually finish everything I write in it every day. As such I'm ahead on school for the month and even started to read again.

All is going well right now but I've been here before. Just waiting for my motivation to drop off a cliff but that'll be temporary too.

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I recently heard a great quote from Tom Hanks in an interview where he was asked to impart some wisdom on his younger self. He said 'This too shall pass.' If you have a shitty day, week or month; made a big mistake and are paying for it dearly; or if you're down in the dumps and don't see a way out: this too shall pass. But if you're doing great, everything is going your way and you feel on top of it all; beware: this too shall pass.

I love seeing how you're ahead of your school stuff and are doing well and appreciating your growth. Enjoy the truck man, it sounds really fun to drive!

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Good quote for my current week! I'm really into discipline this week and not using things as an excuse, such as being "tired". I'm always "tired". Maybe that's just how being alive feels and I've gotten lazy. Lol. I wrote a few more habit goals in my planner to roll out tomorrow morning. Meditation and yoga every day which means I'll wake up an hour earlier (which is actually an hour later than I woke up before COVID) and be forced to go to bed at a decent time. I actually do go to bed at a normal time most nights but I can't fall asleep until almost 4am. I was tossing and turning and getting angrier and angrier last night. Went to bed at 10, finally took a sleep aid at 1 but it did absolutely nothing, and last I remember I looked at the clock and it was 3 so I guess I fell asleep shortly after that. I'm EXHAUSTED  today (it's an in-the-office day). Hopefully that means I'll be so tired I'll be able to fall asleep tonight but history doesn't bear much hope for that.

I'm working on a budget today and kind of have a revolutionary idea (for me, I'm sure it's nothing new to people who know how to budget) in which I'm going to actually decide what I'm going to buy every day ahead of time instead of relying on some arbitrary amount of money I'm allowed to spend. This coincides with my goal of giving up all caffeine except for a normal sized coffee on work days. I'd say give up all caffeine period but I remember what I felt like the last time I tried that! So I'll get myself down to a cup of coffee which will actually be a significant decrease and I'll see where I can go from there.

Last week I set up a schedule for my two classes and it's helped big time with anxiety because I'm no longer procrastinating. I'm also learning math for once which I think I've said before but it still blows my mind that I'm actually pretty good at it now. I'm up to quadratic equations which is pretty basic algebra but I never did homework in high school so I didn't memorize any of this stuff. It all seems new even though I've certainly done it before. It's crazy how much of a zombie I used to be even before I started drinking.

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It's been a very good two days. Forcing myself to stick to what my planner says has really put some dynamite up my you-know-what! I even wrote a serious blog post for the first time in almost two months. It's 3:30 here and even though I'm working from home, I've finished my math homework for the day and have a head start on my cybersecurity class project.

When I woke up I meditated for 5 minutes and did 15 minutes of yoga which... I can't even remember the last time I did anything physical. It hurt lol. Kind of a bummer: I used to do yoga every day and had gotten pretty flexible and now even child's pose feels like my hips are going to snap! I'll get back to that point, though. There's a weight bench in my garage but I haven't mustered the willpower to hop on it yet; it's in mind for the future.

I've scheduled writing time in every day. Just 15 minutes for now but I'll increase it over time. I'd really like to write a book one day (more than one, really) but never set aside time to do it. So that's how I managed to get a blog post done today. I'm also making a goal to update this thread every day. I've really let my involvement here slide through COVID. I allowed myself to give in to depression and lethargy. Knowing me, I probably will again some day, but you have to take the good times as they come. I'm just through using sleepiness and my adderall as an excuse for not doing more pointed tasks. I find that once I get something started I'm very able to stick through it. It's just getting that initial burst of energy that I have to figure out.

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On 7/29/2020 at 3:39 PM, ceponatia said:

It's been a very good two days. Forcing myself to stick to what my planner says has really put some dynamite up my you-know-what!

This has saved me this week as well. I've struggled most of July and this totally helped me. I feel better with my routine than my vacation time. 

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Didn't post yesterday but I at least checked the site and replied to some stuff. That counts, I think. Lol. I had kind of a lazy Wednesday night which led me to not set my self up for success yesterday and the day up until about 4pm was a wash but I was working from home anyway so there wasn't really much I could do. That's kind of a lie... I could have done homework in between work tasks and on breaks like I did Tuesday and Wednesday.

Anyway I still managed to get my shit together by 5 and did another module of Algebra. I'll finish chapter 4 today and will have one chapter left then I'm DONE with college algebra forever. Crazy to me because I've always told myself I'll never be good at math and I'm actually having fun in this course! I'll be going on to statistics and calculus so we'll see how much I love those. I've never even seen a calculus problem before but the urban legend is that it's hard.

I'll also be finishing my Cybersecurity project tonight so I'll have the weekend school-free (unless I get crazy and decide to attack Algebra chapter 5 early which I actually might). I'll probably go out of town again at least one of the days, just a drive up the coast. We'll see!

 

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It's weird to be a PC enthusiast and not an active gamer. I continue to tinker on my desktop despite gaming only a few hours a week lately. Yesterday was a pretty big day of maintenance and upgrades, not for any sort of performance increase but just to make it look cleaner. When I built this PC I did it all from memory and didn't bother to read any of the manuals. Yesterday while cleaning up I finally got around to reading them and oh boy did I have everything messed up! My PCIe x16 slot was only running at x8 because of where my M.2 drive was installed (which isn't really a big deal but I still moved it just to have the knowledge that it was set up correctly). I had no idea that the case I purchased had SSD mounts on the reverse side of the case and that all of the PSU cables could be run through a wall and kept out of the way so I did that and the temperature is 10 degrees less because basically two of the fans were blocked before. Lol. Also had my wifi card installed on the wrong slot and my connection dropped every hour or so because the card didn't have enough data transfer capacity through the motherboard.

Ridiculous mistakes for an IT major but I learned a lot.

Class is progressing really well. My last week of CYB/110 is next week and I'll finish College Algebra at the same time (taking it through a 3rd party company to save money). I've learned a lot in this current course; I feel like all of the B.S. prerequisite courses like "how to install Windows 10" are over with and I'm finally in some advanced classes. Even learned how to break into a firewall last week, lol.

Started looking into getting a gun license so I can start going to the local range. It's something I've always been interested in (and have done a few times in the past... not entirely legally, lol) but never had the money or time. The process of buying a firearm, at least in Michigan, is actually fairly complicated so idk what people are talking about when they say we need stricter laws. Obviously people who are buying guns intended for criminal activity are not buying them from licensed sellers. I'm probably going to take a CPL class rather than just getting a regular purchase license, not because I plan on carrying around a concealed weapon but because it counts as a PERMANENT purchase license and covers so much more that I won't have to worry about accidentally breaking the law through ignorance, haha.

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Weekends are still a mess for me. I stay fairly busy but the use of my planner completely falls apart. I'm not the kind of person who tracks everything he does but I have things scheduled on the weekends that need to get done and when I don't look at my planner, I forget to do them. I still managed to get caught up on Monday and today I'm working on getting ahead for the rest of the week.

Quitting caffeine didn't go according to schedule but I'm starting again today. Had a rationed amount of coffee this morning and switched to water by noon. That's what I'm aiming for over the next couple of weeks. I'll gradually cut down the amount of coffee. I might stick with one cup of coffee each morning permanently because it does have benefits aside from the energy boost. I have gout thanks to my alcoholism which was in recession for two years but it's come back recently; probably because of all the fast food I've been eating in lockdown while using the excuse that I can't go grocery shopping. Lol. Coffee for some reason alleviates the symptoms (symptoms being excruciating pain like someone stuffed broken glass inside your ankle) as does black cherry juice. Cherry juice is expensive AF to be drinking every day though.

My best friend's COVID test game back positive today. She's scared and I am a bit too but I'm sticking to positivity in conversations with her. She's not a very emotional person so I'm sure she's hiding most of it. Her husband is sick too so at least they have each other to lean on. She's younger than me (26-ish, I'm 38) and extremely healthy so realistically she should be fine but there is that 1 in 10,000 that just drops dead for no obvious reason. She's known me longer than anyone alive and helped me get through my darkest times so it's pretty important to me that she get better.

I was pretty sure I had it yesterday! My mother went to get tested on Monday because she felt under the weather and yesterday I felt miserable. Bad, persistent cough, chest pain, aches, fatigue, the works. I woke up today with a cold sore (yay herpes lol) and feel perfectly fine otherwise. That's usually what happens. I'll start getting sick, it'll turn into a cold sore, and I'll be fine. Still, cold sores suck. Uncomfortable and unsightly. Lots of stigma around them as many people think you did something to get it. I've had the disease since I was a baby though. I don't know what life is like without a cold sore or three every year. Lol.

Picking yoga and meditation back up today. Only did it one day last week. Also putting together a weight training plan. I have to start from scratch as I haven't been to the gym since they all closed. Gotta get back in the habit though.

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12 hours ago, ceponatia said:

My best friend's COVID test game back positive today.

Holy shit, dude. I'm hoping she's one of those ones that recover quickly and get nothing scary like scar tissue in the lungs and all that. Did you see her recently?

 

12 hours ago, ceponatia said:

I woke up today with a cold sore

Ugh. I get those too. So fucking annoying... I don't allow anybody near me when I have one, I'm so afraid to afflict somebody with it or cause an outbreak if they already have it. You never lose the fucking virus for your whole life; it just stays dormant in your nerve clusters. How diabolical is that? I hope they find some miracle anti-viral someday to flush the fuckers out.

Take care of yourself man. My cold sores pop up when I'm pushing myself too much, when I crossed my limits too hard or when my immunity has taken a beating. If you're like me and it's the latter, be careful in these times.

Hope and your friend stay strong and positive 🙂 wishing you the best health!

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12 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Holy shit, dude. I'm hoping she's one of those ones that recover quickly and get nothing scary like scar tissue in the lungs and all that. Did you see her recently?

She lives in Arizona and I live in Michigan so I'm in no danger of catching it from her but it also sucks that I can't really do anything for her because of the distance. Just staying positive. She's doing well; the most important thing when you're not high risk is to just stay active as much as you can so you don't get pneumonia and she's still doing like workouts every day (which I'm sure must be miserable). Strangely she hasn't really had a fever or anything just slight difficulty breathing and the loss of her sense of smell and taste. Hopefully that's as bad as it'll get.

12 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Ugh. I get those too. So fucking annoying... I don't allow anybody near me when I have one, I'm so afraid to afflict somebody with it or cause an outbreak if they already have it. You never lose the fucking virus for your whole life; it just stays dormant in your nerve clusters. How diabolical is that? I hope they find some miracle anti-viral someday to flush the fuckers out.

Take care of yourself man. My cold sores pop up when I'm pushing myself too much, when I crossed my limits too hard or when my immunity has taken a beating. If you're like me and it's the latter, be careful in these times.

There was a study years ago to try to create a dormant version of herpes as a possible treatment for cancer as it was discovered the virus latches on to tumors and prevents them from growing larger... so who knows maybe we have some slight protection against cancer, haha.

I think mine is just from being sick the other day. Happens every time I get an illness. I haven't been more active than usual lately. I've been more organized so I get more done but I'm not really expending more energy or creating more stress. Far less stress, actually, because I have things finished way before they're due right now.

Today has been pretty good just like yesterday. It was my day to work from home and those are really up to me to make into positive days because I don't have that motivation to wake up early and get ready for work that I do on an in-office day. I made sure to go to bed on time (10:00) last night and I woke up at 7 which is when I normally get up for work. I'm going to try to get up at least by then every day so I keep my circadian rhythm consistent.

Did a 15 minute yoga session after a shower and breakfast. This one has been amazing, especially after work. I highly recommend you try it if you have chronic muscle pain from sitting a lot like I do. It's not a vigorous routine and doesn't get into much of the strength training side of yoga but it makes my back feel amazing for a few hours afterwards. Also had a chiropractic appointment this afternoon so I'm feeling pretty "loose" right now, lol. I've been lumping yoga and meditation together. I don't know if this would be considered cheating but if you're doing yoga the way it's intended, you really are meditating during it. Especially during Savasana.

Plowed through two chapters in College Algebra after done with work so I'm set to be finished with that class by the weekend! Got into functions today which I'd never even made it to in high school so it was cool to learn something new, especially now that I'm actually good at math. I'm going to reward myself with a 30 minute walk outside before doing some cleaning and prepping lunch for tomorrow / eating dinner (same meal). After that I just have to write a blog post; trying to do one a day for a month to get back into the swing. Then it should be about bed time.

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13 hours ago, ceponatia said:

There was a study years ago to try to create a dormant version of herpes as a possible treatment for cancer as it was discovered the virus latches on to tumors and prevents them from growing larger... so who knows maybe we have some slight protection against cancer, haha

Wow. Talk about a mindfuck! I'm often so infuriated whenever I get an outbreak. I wage war on the lip-fuckers with anti-virals, disinfectant, ... I'd be such poetic irony if it'd save me one day from a bigger evil.

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Not excited to do stuff after work at all today but I know I will. Kind of a busy day at work and my back is acting up despite going to the chiropractor yesterday. That makes sense though because it's been months since I've stuck to a routine with my appointments and you have to go at least once a month consistently to keep up the benefits. I'll be back on track moving forward and I have a massage scheduled with the good masseuse (everyone in that establishment sucks except for one person I have to book her way in advance) on Monday.

I didn't end up writing last night but it was a conscious choice rather than forgetfulness. I just wasn't inspired by anything and was drawing a blank. I've found if you can't write at your scheduled time there's no point in sitting there for 30 minutes staring at the computer. Instead I did some cleaning and started reading one of the books I bought in my last round.

Wednesday I finally got around to buying a better chair for my home office (the left side of my bedroom) and splurged a bit on a Herman Miller Aeron which is like the Mercedes Benz of office chairs. I found one with some "dings" for sale at like 65% off so it was well worth it. It's frustratingly difficult to do research on purchases like that because so many search results are obvious advertisers and the rest are just trying to sell "gaming chairs" which are horrendously ugly and announce to any guests that you are mentally 15 years old. In my humble opinion. Lol.

Plan is to finish my Cyber Security project tonight which will wrap up that class and I won't have any UoP work to do until Tuesday when I start "Infrastructure Management" or something like that. Two more modules of Algebra will follow that and I'll have one left and the final exam to do tomorrow. So Sunday and Monday I'll have absolutely no school work to do. That also means if for some reason I don't get these done on time, I have a bit of a time buffer and won't be killing myself at the last minute.

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21 hours ago, ceponatia said:

Wednesday I finally got around to buying a better chair for my home office (the left side of my bedroom) and splurged a bit on a Herman Miller Aeron which is like the Mercedes Benz of office chairs. I found one with some "dings" for sale at like 65% off so it was well worth it. It's frustratingly difficult to do research on purchases like that because so many search results are obvious advertisers and the rest are just trying to sell "gaming chairs" which are horrendously ugly and announce to any guests that you are mentally 15 years old. In my humble opinion. Lol.

I need to get a new chair as well. Mine is causing me lower back problems. Speaking of that, does the chiropractor help or do the same symptoms just keep re-occurring? I feel like they can fix you for a certain amount of time and then your body just goes back. It reminds me of getting braces put on your teeth, but if you don't wear a retainer the teeth go back to the original position.

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