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John's Diary - Search for Discipline


ElectroNugget

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Hey everyone.

Many months ago I did the 90-day detox, and it improved my life a lot. At the time I was unemployed and very depressed, with low job prospects and some personal losses... All of those pressures added up to make me deeply mentally ill, and desperate enough to force a big change like leaving gaming. With the help of everyone here, I managed to quit games for 3 months and get some important things done, including applying for and getting into a new university to start studying again. I am now getting a masters degree in Software Design, have met a load of new people, live in a new city I love, and in general seem to have a good future ahead of me (as long as I don't screw this up).

That said, when things began to improve I became lax and went back to gaming, which has interfered with my studies and threatens to tank this opportunity I have been so lucky to receive. So I need to quit again, and this time hopefully more permanently. I also need to take the effort to rebuild my life to fill the void that gaming left, which I can see I didn't really do properly when I look back at my previous detox. I'm sure this is part of the reason I slipped back into gaming so easily despite the clear benefits I had from quitting.

So, going into 2020 I really want to improve my skills and time management as a student so I can make the most out of my degree, and to develop new hobbies to fill in and actually change my life for good, rather than just filling the empty space with empty activities like internet, series, etc that makes it easy to come back to games. It's a big task, but I'm hoping like last time, with your help it will be doable.

I've decided to start this as a new journal rather than continuing my older one. I'm hoping that a clean slate will make me stick to it a little better. As of right now, haven't played any games for a few days already, but I'll start counting today, making today DAY 01. I'm going to figure out what kind of habits and hobbies I want to develop in the future, right now I have a week of hardcore studying ahead for a discrete maths exam next Wednesday, so that will be priority.

Looking forward to posting here again and getting to know all the newcomers! 

Cheers

John

Edited by ElectroNugget
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As you've seen from my story a few months ago, when we spoke last, I had quit for 5 months and thought I could game in moderation again. It lead me to game for 12 hour days again. There's no going back unfortunately. Make this commitment to yourself. 63 weeks for me without gaming on Saturday. You can do it, too.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

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DAY 02:

So I was meant to study for discrete maths today but ended up spending most of the day procrastinating in some way or another, with chores and other activities. I've never been so eager to tidy my apartment! I got literally all my other habits and positive activities done today, but I just couldn't bring myself to crack open my maths book.

This leads me to realize that perhaps one of my biggest problems is my inability to face some discomfort like this, which leads to procrastination, which leads to gaming/internet/insert-your-time-killing-activity-here. I mean, I've always known this on some level, but I think after years of slow effort to improve my life, my environment, and other aspects of my behavior to make it easier to do the things I'm supposed to do, it's amazing that I can somehow just spend a whole day where I don't get my primary task done. This is a really stark example of my procrastination habit.

And I know I'm shooting myself in the foot, because the more I procrastinate, the more likely it is I will flunk the exam and have to retake it, which will lead to much more discomfort down the road. So I'm being completely irrational here. 

Anyone have any tips on how to beat procrastination?

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I am convinced that procrastination can be beat with the right mindset and identity. Maybe check the concept of atomic habits and identity. Very good stuff. There is a blog somewhere explaining it. The core idea is that you should not only pay attention to the results, but to fall in love with the process and more importantly, focus on your identity. If you perceive yourself as a hard worker, you have no chance but to procrastinate with procrastination. I personally consider myself to be a hard worker and take pride in working out everyoneThe most inspiring thing is something that Mel Robbins said: "You never gonna feel like it." Regardless, what I do, I always, for a very brief moment have to force myself. Just a little bit of activation energy. Something that could help you at first is the 5 second rule by Robbins. There is a whole ted talk about that. After you forced yourself and immediately becomes a lot easier. I am not perfect and have many areas to work on, but this area I figured out I think. 

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I recently found out I have so many outlets I do irregularly I am genuinely excited to do. My plan now is to do them in a more disciplined matter and oust more of the not-as-productive ones.

I am also still struggling with making university a part of my identity, but I am to realizing it's not only about passing exams. If it was, then analogically gaming would be about literally clicking and using the keyboard in given sequences. It wouldn't be very fun. Remember the things/people you admire or are grateful for on the university and let that motivate you!

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DAY 03:

Well, today wasn't perfect but oh boy was it an improvement! After reading all your feedback I was really inspired. @Natalie, that blog you linked especially had an amazing breakdown on how procrastination works, why we do it and how it can ruin everything. I found it extremely helpful! I think next time I'm putting something off I need to re-read it to remind myself.

So, I slept in today, much later than I'd have liked. But, when I did finally get up, I wrote down a list of all my tasks, got the basic stuff out of the way and after reading all your comments I got down to work. As of right now I put in 7 hours total studying today and I feel like I made a lot of progress. 

The reality is that I should have started this much sooner, but I kept telling myself (and others) I was 'bad at maths' this whole semester, and put off my maths studies and homework almost every week, just coasting along by doing the bare minimum. I literally lived out the story that I was telling myself! It's insane, because now that I'm studying properly I am starting to enjoy it, and it's nowhere near as intimidating or arcane as I imagined it to be. If only I had started sooner! I may have been able to actually do rather well at this subject.

It's not entirely to waste, as a lot of the time I didn't spend on maths I spent on learning a lot of extra programming... But still, it would have been nice to be in a place where I didn't have to worry much now before exams.

All that said, lately I've tried to live by the mantra: "The past is over, all you can do is try your best to improve yourself every day." Even if it turns out I flunk this exam, I just have to do the absolute best I can right now with the time I have available. Everything else is out of my hands.

It's really nice to feel this productive and to be able to enjoy your evening without feeling guilty! I think I could get used to this. Tomorrow, more studies.

Edited by ElectroNugget
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4 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

The reality is that I should have started this much sooner, but I kept telling myself (and others) I was 'bad at maths' this whole semester, and put off my maths studies and homework almost every week

From my experience with procrastination, I usually put off things that I believe I am bad at. The most extreme case: I procrastinated my graduation from college almost 1 year because I have a strong belief that I suck in public presentations (I had to present a final project in order to get the degree).

And what's more interesting is that I usually procrastinate by engaging myself in activities that are not exactly easier, but are "less stressful". For example, I began my masters degree before actually graduating from my bachelor's degree, so I would procrastinate from my final project by studying to my master's. And then I would procrastinate from my master's by doing chores. And from chores by watching Netflix or browsing the internet, and so on.

Today, my strategy to get myself to study is to set the environment for it. I separate my books and set them in the table, and this is usually the kickstart I need to begin studying. At the same time, this strategy always needs some extra willpower when the subject is not something I personally enjoy, so I wonder what I could do to make it even better.

Regarding public presentations, it's a problem that goes way back in my life, and procrastination comes naturally when it comes to this subject. I'm gonna tackle it this year by taking acting and/or singing lessons and maybe I'm gonna go back to teaching too (it was really helpful in the past). But at the same time I think that since it's a deeper problem I would benefit a lot from therapy, which is something I've been avoiding for a long time.

Edited by WhatAboutToday?
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Hi!

 

Your journal was one the very first ones I read on this site. I think you were just finishing the 90 days and it was a big inspiration. 
 

Thank you for coming back and sharing your story. We all need community and a place to be heard. 
 

Look forward to reading your journal. Have a beautiful day. 

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Thanks for the feedback as always guys. @WhatAboutToday?, as strange as it may sound, it's nice to hear I'm not the only one who struggles with uni. ? I also got some stories out of my dad the other day that I wasn't expecting. I guess not everyone is a perfect student, we just imagine that others are doing better than us.

@Icandothis, thanks so much! It's nice to hear that my journey had some value to you. ?

Day 04:

So this is an overdue entry as I should have written it last night, but I don't want to skip entries and end up disappearing for days again, then I might just fall off and stop posting. So if I miss a day I'm going to have to catch up on entries when I come back.

Sadly I let the procrastination monkey win again, and sorta 'acted out' all day, doing other chores and activities and telling myself I would start studying 'soon', next thing it was late at night, and then it was 'too late to start', so I ended up watching a movie with a friend, and then stayed up until 6AM browsing reddit of all things!

What the hell! Hahah, this was a complete self-destructive day. There was no sense to it. It's really incredible, I feel like I was possessed or something. I'm not really sure where these bouts of poor behavior are coming from. What am I afraid of? What discomfort am I avoiding? I kinda wish I had my therapist around so I could discuss it with her. I can't rationalize this behaviour at all and it's undeniably bad for me. I lost a whole day of studying for nothing, and ended up more uncomfortable today. I risked flunking maths. For what? So I could sit around and do chores? Nothing was stopping me from studying, but some obstinate part of myself kept saying "Aaah, later".

I'm really determined to try and beat this sort of procrastination habit this year. I think it's the big demon between me and any kind of sensible level of productivity, which also means it's between me and having a somewhat happy life (as productivity is what modern society values most). But if last night was anything to go by, this fight has just begun.

I'll post again this evening once day 5 is done.

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DAY 05:

I managed to get back on the horse again today and got 6 hours of studying done. I gotta be honest, I'm really not feeling the maths. So much so that it makes me second-guess my chances at ITU. Computer Science is a lot about crunching numbers, and I'm really not a big fan. I find the theory interesting from a long distance, but without much practical application I really don't enjoy regurgitating formulas some maths boffin much smarter than me came up with in the 1800's.

It's weird because I've really enjoyed programming so far, especially for front-end applications, web design etc. I like making user interfaces as it crosses over with my former art skills... But yeah. I don't know. Maybe this isn't the right career choice either. It's hard to know. After I poured 8 years into trying to make art work, failing and becoming extremely depressed, I definitely have a fear that I won't make it in this field either. I can't imagine entering my 30's, going into the tech job market and finding it shit as well. I don't know what I will do with myself if that comes to pass.

I just don't know how I'm supposed to find the field I excel in otherwise, every job these days requires a big degree and lots of experience. I haven't been allowed (or perhaps I haven't tried) to experiment much. I wonder if I had decided to go into management for example, maybe I would have been much happier. 

Anyways, just some classic self-doubt as always. But at least I managed to work again today.

Edited by ElectroNugget
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DAY 06:

Slow start to the day today, and nearly let the procrastination monkey win again. But I got started and stuck with it and managed to study maths for another 6hrs. I'd like to be hitting 8hrs each day ideally, but I'm just glad I got something done instead of nothing.

To be honest, I'm not certain about my odds at the exam, but at least I've covered the whole curriculum, and I will be allowed to resit at a later date if I fail this one. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Honestly, if I fail the exam first time that's OK, I just need to take it as a lesson going into the next semester.

I thought a lot about my slump yesterday and how I was uncertain about things, beating up on myself etc. There's just no point to it. Yeah so, I don't love every aspect of computer science. I didn't like every aspect of being an artist either. There's parts of every job that suck, maths is just the part of computer science that sucks for me. That said, I find many other aspects of computer science interesting and fun, so I just need to suck it up and learn this shit. It will pay off when it makes me better at the other subjects that I enjoy. 

There's also no point in coming down on myself about screwing this course up this semester. I did well on the other two, and this is my first time in academia. I'm only human, and I make mistakes. I could have flunked all the courses, or dropped out, but I didn't. All I can do now is control my present and future behavior to correct this mistake, and try to make sure it doesn't happen again.

So yeah, good day overall. Still no games! But I am wasting some time on Youtube watching videos... Including casted games. Going to have to figure something out about that.

Edited by ElectroNugget
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51 minutes ago, ElectroNugget said:

I thought a lot about my slump yesterday and how I was uncertain about things, beating up on myself etc. There's just no point to it. Yeah so, I don't love every aspect of computer science. I didn't like every aspect of being an artist either. There's parts of every job that suck, maths is just the part of computer science that sucks for me. That said, I find many other aspects of computer science interesting and fun, so I just need to suck it up and learn this shit. It will pay off when it makes me better at the other subjects that I enjoy. 

One question, have you already got to know what a computer scientist does in a regular job?

I can tell from my personal experience in electrical engineering that, although the math is important during the course, the math presence in your life depends a lot on what you are gonna be working with.

I believe in computer science you would have a much bigger possibility to never go the back to the math anymore after graduating.

One thing that is interesting about the computer science market, at least in my country, is that many job offerings don't require a formal education (college degree). Since it's something that you learn almost entirely online, many companies doesn't care about the formal degree, they just hire someone that can do the job. I don't know if you have some experience in it already, but you can try to find a part-time job or a random project to see a little more about the computer science market itself. It always helps to have a different perspective from the college.

Edited by WhatAboutToday?
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2 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

DAY 06:

Slow start to the day today, and nearly let the procrastination monkey win again. But I got started and stuck with it and managed to study maths for another 6hrs. I'd like to be hitting 8hrs each day ideally, but I'm just glad I got something done instead of nothing.

To be honest, I'm not certain about my odds at the exam, but at least I've covered the whole curriculum, and I will be allowed to resit at a later date if I fail this one. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Honestly, if I fail the exam first time that's OK, I just need to take it as a lesson going into the next semester.

I thought a lot about my slump yesterday and how I was uncertain about things, beating up on myself etc. There's just no point to it. Yeah so, I don't love every aspect of computer science. I didn't like every aspect of being an artist either. There's parts of every job that suck, maths is just the part of computer science that sucks for me. That said, I find many other aspects of computer science interesting and fun, so I just need to suck it up and learn this shit. It will pay off when it makes me better at the other subjects that I enjoy. 

There's also no point in coming down on myself about screwing this course up this semester. I did well on the other two, and this is my first time in academia. I'm only human, and I make mistakes. I could have flunked all the courses, or dropped out, but I didn't. All I can do now is control my present and future behavior to correct this mistake, and try to make sure it doesn't happen again.

So yeah, good day overall. Still no games! But I am wasting some time on Youtube watching videos... Including casted games. Going to have to figure something out about that.

I'd try to find a TV show that lasts maybe 20-30 minutes to pass time. I strictly watch art tutorials, hockey highlights, and food recipes on YouTube now and that's it. You just gotta say "don't recommend this channel to me" a million times and you'll stop getting video game things. Also, if you have a twitch account, delete it. I deleted mine. Streamers are losers anyways. Don't follow losers. Follow leaders. 

Good job sticking with the math. Studying that long is difficult so I wouldn't make it a huge habit. It will lead to burnout, which leads to escapism. You got this. Good job seeking out and recognizing your positive moments today.

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For YouTube, I highly recommend this Chrome extension (provided you use Chrome), DF Tube.

It blocks you from seeing any recommended videos, which for me was the first big reduction in my YouTube time, and was surprisingly painless. 

Edited by DaBest
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@DaBest Thanks for the recommendation! I just installed it, eager to see how it affects my Youtube habit.

@WhatAboutToday? You're probably right! I'm hoping to go into UI/UX design, which probably won't involve that much maths. But I should still do my best to learn it now I guess. I want to try and see it as a good challenge than something that I can't do.

@BooksandTrees Thanks for the response and kind words! I think Youtube is actually the next big hurdle I need to quit. So I appreciate the feedback.

DAY 07:

Yay one week!

Today was very slow. I deliberately decided not to study or cram anymore, and just focus on relaxing, getting all other parts of my life in order, and saving up some mental energy for tomorrow. I got a bunch of chores done, tidied the apartment, refilled the fridge, cooked some really good food and meditated several times. 

I feel very calm about the exam. I've spoken to a few of my classmates who feel they are in a similar position to me. One reminded me that I've never done a university level academic exam like this before, that also told me it's OK if things don't go the absolute best in my first semester. I need to take it in my stride and grow. That said, I feel confident I've at least covered the entire curriculum now, so I'll do the best I can.

Nonetheless, even though staying away from games has been much easier this time, I think I haven't put as many hours into studying as I had hoped to this week. What I've noticed is that I'm now somewhat used to staying away from videogames - I'd even say I find it easy now. But in place of gaming I have found other bad habits to kill the time with. Youtube and Netflix are a big problem. I've watched loads of game casts, and a lot of random stuff over the past few days, rather than meditating more, going for walks or maybe even taking the time to go downtown and I dunno, meet people at a bar or a boardgame club or something. So, I think this detox will actually be more about getting rid of those peripheral habits that I had that surrounded gaming, namely: wasting time on Youtube and the internet and the whole nerd culture that comes with it.

Starting sometime soon I want to make a plan to tackle all that stuff and start implementing some new habits that will be more productive. At the moment, I mainly need to focus on my studies, but these new habits must come next. I feel good about the realization and look forward to what I can do once I've directed this time elsewhere. So, not a bad day overall!

Edited by ElectroNugget
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DAY 08:

Short post today, had the exam, it actually went surprisingly well. 🙂 I think I might have a good shot at passing on my first attempt. Feels good that the hard work paid off, and if I have to resit I think there are only a few things I need to revisit. 

The next two exams aren't nearly as scary, so I feel like I've made it somewhat though the worst of this semester now. Feels amazing and I'm really grateful for the support here and game quitters in general, giving me the chance to change my life and make this happen. There's no way I could have had this result if I hadn't finally had the courage to remove my gaming PC from my life this year. 

It's very late here now, so I'm gonna try sleep. More tomorrow. 

Edited by ElectroNugget
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DAY 09-10:

Hey everyone. I know I skipped a day, I'm going to try and avoid doing that as much as possible, but I sort of just crashed hard in the past two days and have been sleeping a lot and not getting up to much. It's not ideal, but after the rush of my first big exam I felt extremely tired and decided to just take a break.

In the past two days I largely spent my time sleeping and lazing about, before I went and spent some time with some friends of mine from Aarhus, who were in town for business. We met at the local board game cafe called 'Bastard Cafe'. It's a really awesome place which I have been to a handful of times in the past. It's the biggest board game cafe in Copenhagen, with a really great atmosphere and loads of people every day turning up to play board games.

While I was there, one of my friends mentioned I should apply to be a guru there (he knows the owner), which is basically a volunteer job where you take one shift a week in the evenings, where your role is to answer any questions cafe guests have about the games there, and to teach them how to play if necessary. This sounded like a lot of fun to me. While there are a lot of people at ITU, I've been feeling rather lonely during my semester here. I don't have any friends in Copenhagen, and the other students in my course are all as stressed as I am. ITU is a great place, but it gets tiring quickly when my whole life revolves around it, and the only people I interact with are from there... I kind of need to start creating a life outside of just my studies. So I think I might apply for this position. There's the potential to meet a lot of people this way, and I think board gaming is a healthy hobby to have, that way I can still address the nerd in me that likes to play games and be social without all the negative side-effects that comes with addictive video gaming. If I get the job, in essence my 'gaming' time would effectively be one four-hour shift a week.

In other news, now that I'm paying more attention, I have begun to notice just how much time I spend on YouTube and Netflix. It's still less than I used to spend on video games, but it nonetheless takes up a massive chunk of my time every day, and often keeps me up late at night. So I think I need to do an experiment (maybe next week, after my programming exam) where I cut them both off completely for a couple of days, and see what happens. It would be nice to reclaim that time for studying or another new hobby.

Overall I think that's really the key here, which I alluded to in my first post... I don't have new hobbies to fill up the time that I once spent on video games. So even though now I have more time, I find myself wasting a lot of it by just increasing my media consumption. The big part of this detox (and, I think, 2020) will be changing that, so I can finally grow into the man I want to be.

Edited by ElectroNugget
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DAY 11:

Slow day today, met with my group to start studying for my programming exam. Our final programming task was a group project so there are four of us going into the oral exam together as a team. We made a good project so I am hopeful I will at least pass, but I am a bit nervous about my personal performance. 

I haven't been meditating these last few days and I can feel my anxiety slowly creeping back. I've also been up way too late the past few evenings. So yeah, been acting out a bit recently. Need to get back on track. 

Tomorrow I'm meeting my group the whole day to study the code for our project. Hopefully that will go well. Exam is on Monday! 

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On 1/11/2020 at 1:27 AM, ElectroNugget said:

DAY 09-10:


...


Overall I think that's really the key here, which I alluded to in my first post... I don't have new hobbies to fill up the time that I once spent on video games. So even though now I have more time, I find myself wasting a lot of it by just increasing my media consumption. The big part of this detox (and, I think, 2020) will be changing that, so I can finally grow into the man I want to be.

As a student, doing those volunteer jobs as a habit is a fantastic way to network and build a social life. I did it sporadically but if you do it consistently you will learn lots of life skills!

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Good luck on Monday!

I understand the fact that if your only social outlet is your job/school, then it gets old fast. Even if it doesn't and you manage to be passionate about all of it, then you are extremely vulnerable if it for whatever reason goes sideways. The other thing is that they are voluntarily compulsory - either you want the degree or the money and you can't get either if you don't perform anything in that particular direction. Social hobbies do not have that compulsory element. You go and do something you want with people who want to do the same. I have a couple of social hobbies and it's great.

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Thanks guys, it's nice to hear that this idea seems to be the right one. 🙂 I have been listening to Cam's podcast and I am coming to believe that it's very important I establish new hobbies this time around, or else YouTube will just become my new gaming!

DAY 12:

So, very weird night last night. I completely acted out and sat up, unable to sleep until about 6AM, wasting time watching series and dumb videos on Youtube. I knew today was going to be important, and somehow the fear/procrastination monkey in me completely took over. I was even really tired at 10PM, and thinking of going to bed! Next thing I knew it was 8AM and my alarm clock was ringing after I slept for less than 3hrs.

This sort of swinging from what felt like a really good 'high' of good study habits, meditating, exercise, etc, to a sudden slump that just knocks me completely over is a very familiar pattern and I'd really like to figure out why it is happening because it's completely unsustainable in the long run. I'd like to remain in those productive 'high' periods for longer without having these insane crashes afterwards. It's like my willpower completely runs out and I go on a self-destructive spree or something.

That said, I did still get out of bed and to uni at 11AM today and spent until around 8PM studying the project and discussing code with my team. So I'm proud I did that despite my sleep deprivation. I also immediately meditated and exercised again when I got home, so that's hopefully going to get back on track too now.

I've been thinking A LOT about what I want this year to look like. I'll turn 30 in September, and I feel like I owe it to myself to make sure that when that birthday comes, I'm doing much, much better with regards to fitness, meditation and studying than ever before. I'd also like to be further along with my fight against games and porn. After all these bad years, I owe it to myself to step into the next decade of my life on the right footing - and with the proper mindset I believe it's doable. Wouldn't it be amazing if, on my 30th birthday, I feel the best I've ever felt with regards to health, fitness, academia, and personal goals? I'll write more about what I maybe want that birthday to look like another time soon.

All that and I've barely discussed the programming exam! I'm quite nervous, but I think I would have to fail catastrophically at the oral exam to fail the course. My knowledge is solid. Yes I could have studied more... That's probably always going to be the case. I just need to go in there tomorrow and do my best.

Time to try and sleep, I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Edited by ElectroNugget
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DAY 13:

I passed my programming exam! And I even got a decent grade. 🙂 I'm absolutely exhausted haha. It's been a wild week between these two exams. But I'm proud of myself... Programming was my biggest subject this semester, and arguably the most important. And I did it! Despite ups and downs, pain and uncertainty and all the other challenges that have come with adjusting to my first semester here. 

It's nice to feel like I actually achieved something after the past few years of failure. One exam to go! And now I'm off to sleep for a day. 😄

Edited by ElectroNugget
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