Struggle of finding interest in life.

[Vooglet]

NOTE: I'm mostly writing it for myself to see its effectiveness, but I'd be reaaly greatefull if you shared similar experiences

It's 1 January, just after New Year. The holiday itself went differently from the usual get-together in some game with the people I know. I spent time outside, marvelling fireworks and hanging out with other people. But today the old struggles take back their ground.

I have a couple of hobbies that should (idealy) be distracting me from the urge to play. It's drawing (sketching) and translation. There are also a couple of books waiting for me to read them. However.. there is an instant resistance in my brain to the suggestion of starting doing anything of that. It just doesn't give the same bang for it's buck as gaming. It sounds boring, dull and lacks attraction. Drawing is difficult: lots of things to learn even though my figures don't look like logs anymore. And it's really time-consuming - any excitement just wears off in a few hours, leaving you wondering why you started such a tedious project to begin with.

It's like I've condtitioned myself to avoid labour and hard work. Which is pretty normal, I guess, for a person who's been entertained by games for years. It looks like an impossible battle against urges to drown myself in social media or join my gamer friends. And if I try to resist that - I just slip into watching youtube or masturbating a.k.a. not doing anything productive in the long run.

So, to conclude, I feel trapped in easy-to-access instant gratification and in reluctance to pick up things that don't feel as good. That's what I've got so far. Guess I'm going to try to translate an article right now. See how it goes.

Edited January 1, 2020 by Vooglet
spotted pronounciation mistakes

[Vooglet]

Well, 7 January. Spent some days ill, reading and occasionally watching films and youtube.

Studytime is near again. It's just difficult to concentrate on starting to plan for the future. Can't give up porn still, even if it's pictures. I mean, i succumb to it. Feel disappointed in myself, weak with no life skills. Currently I'm struggling versus an urge to brouse one shady site with pictures. But it gets easier as I write. It's like pinning it against the wall, like a fly with a needle. I just can't shake away the thought that it isn't something I should be doing.

Think I'm going to read instead and then go to sleep. No needless masturbation. Phew.