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Amphibian’s journal


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6 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

@BooksandTrees Sometimes i feel healthy to exercise, but have no time. At other times I’m feeling knackered from previous day’s exercise or an upset stomach. Things such as writing a reminder actually work as a hack. I find it hard to pray in the morning, but my Dad told me it unlocks way more energy when he does so. Small things like that can do wonders for your success.

my current travel time to work is over two hours. So that is over 4 hours driving per day. This new job is looking very hard to do. So i am beginning a search closer to my home from today.

My job searching experience tells me i may get an interview after 50 applications. But then I may have to write a 100 this week. 

I read your post and firmly believe a hidden error can cause one to go on limping for years. So will just try to get aggressive and make the right kind of mistakes.

I had a 3 hour commute total (1.5 each way) for 3 years and got very depressed. I now have a 20 minute commute and it's perfect because I can listen to music on the way in and get awakened.

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I need to focus today as it is my first day of work at a new place. My resistance to pressure exerted by people is very low. As a conflict avoider, I am dangerously confrontational because I can’

I tried a day without internet for recreation/distraction purposes. Felt really good and focused. Will go againtoday.

Right now I am very angry. I started feeling emotions which I always numbed before. I tried to be the nice pleasing person and this led to people from within my family abusing me and disrespectin

That’s great you have that, it frees up the necessary time to better prepare yourself for the work. I also like that you’ve started this banter. Let me know how it goes. My jokes come off as strange at times, like I mistook the surname of my manager as her father’s name and that cracked her up a good deal.

 

I made about 10 applications today, but will continue working at the current job until i’ve found an offer. 

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On 1/24/2021 at 11:58 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I had a 3 hour commute total (1.5 each way) for 3 years and got very depressed. I now have a 20 minute commute and it's perfect because I can listen to music on the way in and get awakened.

I think anything more than an hour a day of commute (especially by car) is dismal, even though I like to drive. I believe it leaves a psychological imprint and that it might be even more draining than the job itself. With my army job I had about 2 hours of commute daily and it's a lot of time. Today, all my work takes place online, so my work commute is zero.

Though I do sometimes wonder if an hour of break "on the road" (e.g. for a snack and to read a book) between companies would be more beneficial than an hour of break "at home", where I want to do million other things than to re-build my reading habit again.

22 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

I made about 10 applications today, but will continue working at the current job until i’ve found an offer. 

Keep it up! Do you change your e-mail and CV structure while sending them to other companies?

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  • 4 weeks later...

I wanted to complete a lot of work today and that got me stressed and drove down my productivity. My manager was annoyed at this. She’s got a very cool approach to work. 

The exhaustion may also be a cumulative effect from combining work , professional studying and many hours of driving.

A colleague of mine resigned from his position to work at another place. I seem to have a stronger attachment. I think I am way too complicit with current circumstances and not engaged enough in checking other opportunities. 

May this obstacle be overcome soon.

my physical state is an issue and I need to take time off work to get a better clarity with what I want to do.

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so I’m in this new kind of a game. I enjoy working against a tight schedule. I get super nervous but feel great when all the targets have been hit. A colleague remarked that she can feel my nerves. I sort of become alive when i have to figure out a way or an algorithm for the best way to execute something.

my other activities were neglected. I am not reading books anymore, not doing physical exercise, not tracking my diet. This is unsustainable. Discipline is seriously falling apart from feeling unwell. I get back home tired and cannot do any of my other activities.

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Posted (edited)

Im doing much better, but I was suddenly attacked by a fit of anger. This came from a memory of not being honest with myself in my school years. I played violent video games and didn't follow advice to stop it. Then my teacher once remarked that i didn’t trust myself.

Most unpleasant in my eyes are persons that tacitly accept harm directed at them or someone else, because they are too timid to challenge it.

I feel very insecure when I’m discussing important issues with people. Couple of days back, my employer said he needs me to continue working, but can’t afford to pay. I stated that I will have to end my employment. Yet i came back to work and did all of last week. I feel like im tacitly accepting unfair conditions. But i don’t want to sit at home which is why i continued.

 

Edit: I must look for ways to reformat the anger habit and to cancel out memories

in my default state i’m emotionally withdrawn and averse to conversations. In my anger state i open up and can talk with people without feeling as much insecurity, although i still feel insecure.

Still feel like im a nice guy. i was super scared of a confrontation with my employer last week when I said i wouldn’t continue. No eye contact at all. These fears prevent me from seeing what I want and need in my life. Instead, i live in a dream world. I take pleasure in doing the easy tasks at work, but refuse to take responsibility for the really hard work. Ive got pipe dreams that I will achieve something some day. Im just kicked about , one of the employees was ignoring my request to download important information from her PC. 

Im seriously lacking, i can’t properly ask a question in my work setting. I can’tvoice a grievance. I cant listen when im self conscious. Im ridiculously conflict averse.

Edited by Amphibian220
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On 3/6/2021 at 3:47 AM, Amphibian220 said:

Im seriously lacking, i can’t properly ask a question in my work setting. I can’tvoice a grievance. I cant listen when im self conscious. Im ridiculously conflict averse.

Why do you feel this is the case now that it's been 3 days since you wrote it? It sounds like you're really held up over the comments about not trusting yourself. It sounds like part of you agrees with the comments but feel ashamed and don't want to face that you may not trust yourself sometimes. 

You're not a failure and shouldn't feel ashamed. Staying away from games is important but not at the cost of health. Find a new job, don't feel ashamed, and understand that confidence in yourself increases over time through making successful decisions that feel right to you in your heart. 

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Posted (edited)

@BooksandTrees I think it has to do with lack of communication skills. I communicate like a robot and am used to being absent minded. The two things reinforce one another in fact. I should invest more time in actually saying what I think and becoming open to critique and judgment.

Edited by Amphibian220
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Posted (edited)

I need to focus today as it is my first day of work at a new place.

My resistance to pressure exerted by people is very low. As a conflict avoider, I am dangerously confrontational because I can’t voice it and take it to the extreme with the respondent. I feel like I have to overpower anxiety and stop the person at an earlier stage.

A technician has diagnosed my water system as faulty but I have second thoughts about it. I want to get basic literature on the subject and call a second independent specialist for a checkup. 

 

Im

grateful for struggling people on this forum who have become more sincere over the last year, the crew of GQ who made me realize dreaming about games is hurting my prospects for success, for my family, for my health, parents despite their faults, my teachers who have taught me important lessons.

Edited by Amphibian220
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Posted (edited)

Thank you. For worse or better I am in another confrontational situation and I should put a person back in line.

I was seeing an enforcement officer as part of my job and it just didn’t go very well. I felt like i was dealt with in violation of the protocol. First of, court enforcement officers are heavily overloaded with work and will look for ways to save time on the less informed people/forceful people. So I feel like i make a natural target for that.

I already filed a complaint against this enforcement officer.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This new job is a lot harder. After about two weeks in, i feel like i knocked myself out. I am constantly working beyond my shift hours. Last night i finished at about at 8.00 pm, but there was a lot of work left to do.

It might have accumulated from the previous 4 months of being super busy. I feel like the new office is very stuffy and hasn’t got sufficient air circulation.

I’d hate to leave a job from my inability to cope with it. Another thing is that there is some ambiguity with what exactly is causing the stress. I have to work this out because i feel my intuition isn’t so good with these things.

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Posted (edited)

Okay,

i have been skipping exercise, eating discipline went down and i regularly go to sleep at 12 or even 1 at night.

in the previous job i was light on my feet, had clarity of mind and good rapport with the managers. In this job, the work feels like it is too much. It is unsustainable at this rate. Today I’ve been to the court, came back towards the lunch and felt very drowsy. It is not going well.

I feel like i have to force myself to start exercising and dieting. Then i’ll be able to see if I can handle the increased workload.

 

edit: noticed a strange thing. I spent less time in the office in the previous job and got more office work done. I wouldn’t leave for long periods, maybe three to four breaks ranging 5-15 minutes and that did the trick for staying focused.

Edited by Amphibian220
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Posted (edited)

More in tune with my emotions.

Just to reflect on what happened. There is a person who has established contact with my father with the aim of getting work orders from him.

There never was any work for him to do and I was put into this middleman position of having to respond to his queries. I was going along in my nice guy manner until today. I suddenly realized he has been calling me, mentioning the issue of “respect” from time to time. Despite being told “there isn’t any work”, he keeps coming back with a request to give him work backed by a requirement to show “respect”.

Just dialed him and told him not to mention anything about respect to me because I don’t know the circumstances of the whole business to pass judgment on it. Feel better.

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  • 2 months later...
Posted (edited)

I was feeling a bit down, met a pensioner at the sport section of the playground this morning.

She was born in 1937, and her father was imprisoned when she was 5 months old as an enemy of the state. Her mother was also imprisoned as the spouse. They were later pardoned under the amnesty initiated by Khrushev.

As a child, she witnessed the battle for Moscow and can remember all the things vividly. The German warplanes bombed Moscow in 1941, less so in 1943. The metro was the designated bunker and everyone would go there in a hurry when the sirens were sounded. They dug out trenches closer to the metro to help those who did not get there on time. One of the bombs fell not far from Count Tolstoy’s home. The explosion knocked out the lighting in the underground. As she spent some days there, she remembers how people slept on the platforms and children would run about and play games. People became more humane as a result of the war, mutual support, local awareness increased. It feels like people live in prison cells nowadays she tells me. Very atomized and nobody knows who their neighbour is.

Back in the war, the Moscow defense command put women soldiers to man anti aircraft guns on the Crimean bridge. There weren’t many men in the city. And the Kremlin was protected against low level strafing runs by special airships.

Her family owned a german shepherd dog. Under the evacuation plan, her family was supposed to leave Moscow but they didn’t want to. The superintendent arrived and was forcing them to vacate and this dog was hiding under the table. It then jumped on the man and surprised him. They remained in their home. The local government granted them monthly ration of buckwheat because of the dog, but later on in the war the dog was commissioned to take part in the campaign and they had to accompany it to the train station to say their goodbyes. A very emotional farewell it was, she could tell by the eyes of the dog. It was looking at them as if wanting to say how sad it was to leave.

She now has two grandsons in their twenties, one has completed studies in radio and electronics I think, the other one I can’t remember. One of the men in her family was a high level military official during the Great Patriotic War. 

Edited by Amphibian220
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17 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

I was feeling a bit down, met a pensioner at the sport section of the playground this morning.

She was born in 1937, and her father was imprisoned when she was 5 months old as an enemy of the state. Her mother was also imprisoned as the spouse. They were later pardoned under the amnesty initiated by Khrushev.

As a child, she witnessed the battle for Moscow and can remember all the things vividly. The German warplanes bombed Moscow in 1941, less so in 1943. The metro was the designated bunker and everyone would go there in a hurry when the sirens were sounded. They dug out trenches closer to the metro to help those who did not get there on time. One of the bombs fell not far from Count Tolstoy’s home. The explosion knocked out the lighting in the underground. As she spent some days there, she remembers how people slept on the platforms and children would run about and play games. People became more humane as a result of the war, mutual support, local awareness increased. It feels like people live in prison cells nowadays she tells me. Very atomized and nobody knows who their neighbour is.

Back in the war, the Moscow defense command put women soldiers to man anti aircraft guns on the Crimean bridge. There weren’t many men in the city. And the Kremlin was protected against low level strafing runs by special airships.

Her family owned a german shepherd dog. Under the evacuation plan, her family was supposed to leave Moscow but they didn’t want to. The superintendent arrived and was forcing them to vacate and this dog was hiding under the table. It then jumped on the man and surprised him. They remained in their home. The local government granted them monthly ration of buckwheat because of the dog, but later on in the war the dog was commissioned to take part in the campaign and they had to accompany it to the train station to say their goodbyes. A very emotional farewell it was, she could tell by the eyes of the dog. It was looking at them as if wanting to say how sad it was to leave.

She now has two grandsons in their twenties, one has completed studies in radio and electronics I think, the other one I can’t remember. One of the men in her family was a high level military official during the Great Patriotic War. 

Very inspiring story to see their family history progress over this past century. People truly endure great hardships and it's a testament of will and heart to get as far as she and her family have.

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Posted (edited)

A random thing activated memory fear and pain. When this memory pain activates i feel worried and my ability to do work goes down. Im working at reduced capacity right now. 

A colleague at my work talked about circus acrobatics. A person that she knew had injured herself at training and would panic if asked to repeat the same exercise that caused her injury.

Even though i understand all of this its not within my conscious control. I need to read how people build up mental toughness that makes them resilient to stress.

Edited by Amphibian220
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