Amphibian’s journal

[mks 88]

30 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

I still sort of need to have this older generation above me, They create some sense of security. It sometimes worries me that I am in a work setting where everybody is on par with me because it triggers a sense competition and pride. With an older person, it is painless to hear his censure.

Yeah I know this too. It's called need for approval. Like you need permission to be yourself. I also know this feeling.
The "can I really do this?" thought I think. 

My go to practice is always to stand on a street and observe people, while being in my state of
anxiety or akwardness. I don't try to control myself. This brings me into the moment almost always.
Or when you are in a store just stand still and oberserve the people. Sowhat all the people have
to move in a store 😄 But this is not watch at products. This means just standing there randomly.
Looking at procuts can be an escape. The more akward it feels the better. One of the best 
practice in my opinion to build confidence and feel more natural.

If you are interested in these "problems" I would recommend "How to be an imperfectionist" by Stephen Guise.
Best book on that topic and full of good advice. The rebel practice is from his book.

Edited August 3, 2020 by mks

[Amphibian220 322]

Recap of August

I noticed that my tutor doesn’t let me to stop on one thing I memorized for too long but encourages me to proceed to the next module. I lose control, but have real progress in my studies.

Similarly, I lack a strong motivation because of uncertainty and lack of clarity (lack of control). Risk and lack of control is innate in things that bring great rewards. Right now I’ve got a business idea , but if I go ahead and propose it to my associate, I’m not sure what kind of surprises lie ahead. I may disappoint him, because this idea is only doable by a team that is focused in this field.

 I lack knowledge and experience to be a managing director and several law firms that could employ me to give that experience have already refused.

I got up today and was looking to introduce a new habit. I have become quite isolated without a full time job and I have to put in more effort in this regard.

[BooksandTrees 3445]

I think discussing your idea is a good start and they might have pointers for you. Doesn't have to be all or nothing.

[Amphibian220 322]

Recap of September,

I made some attempts to get employed but still haven’t been successful. I had some practitioners support my idea but they want me to be bring in the clients and do the work at double the fair price level. There are many inexperienced self-styled lawyers that lack ethics and knowledge in insolvency and this is an added risk for me. If I get into a situation like that, I will look bad to a client.

Without full time work, reading and exercise weren’t sufficient to fill the day and I defaulted to absent mindedness. That led to overeating and upset stomach. Now waiting to see a GP to have my stomach issue resolved. I don’t have much socializing at the moment. I seem to have fallen into the pitfall I saw at the beginning: I didn’t resolve my health issues properly and hoped that self treatment would work. I am grateful that I don’t waste time on the internet and have much more clarity and honesty in the way I deal with my friends and family.

My back requires better therapy than the plan I had in place. during the last chiropractor session, he noted that particular back muscles are overstrained and advised to visit a special clinic to have a targeted back therapy program.

Edited October 1, 2020 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220 322]

 

I am not a master of communication.

Another coworker has said I look like a very uncertain person. Even though this didn’t have the effect like before I was a bit lost first couple of moments because I sensed it was true to an extent.

 My diction isn’t very good and hard to understand because I tend to chew words. I guess I should practice reading out loud.

 

Edit: I was in the office today and expressed my grievances to the manager. This was comprehensible for the first time.

it took so long, maybe 10 years to start being accountable to myself to a point where I am recognized as a member of a team

Edited December 16, 2020 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220 322]

Month 12

I am being given a lot of work, but the type of work (filling in database spreadsheets) is creating a strange sense of euphoria.

I expressed my grievances but i still have to talk to the managing director. They don’t have the time to give me training. I got into a conflict a number of times over being overburdened.

We had a few prospective applicants in the office this week. One of them has been in many jobs but the longest he stayed was 6 months. So when my manager asked him about this, he said he wasn’t sure how long he would stay with us. It looked he didn’t have a specific goal of getting this job but was looking for something acceptable enough in scope of work and salary. I hope to develop better targets than that in the near future, although my managing director is discouraging me from undertaking the qualification as the work is “too hard”.

I think i will undertake a 6 month part time course in order to obtain the necessary qualification, despite the fact I may not choose to be a practitioner this coming year.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220 322]

 

My car was taken for repairs late at night and this guard came out and started complaining about it being in the wrong place. I spent about two hours waiting for it to be properly loaded onto a truck to be evacuated, to have this guard come out and complain.

It was unreasonable cause it wasn’t obstructing the driveway or anything. This person was totally testing me. I didn’t say much in return, but I stayed there to listen to him, and it got tedious. He was out of ideas pretty soon except to remove it somewhere else and that it would be evacuated if I didn’t. 

I felt I should have given him a good response.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Amphibian220

[BooksandTrees 3445]

On 12/3/2020 at 3:27 PM, Amphibian220 said:

Imanaged it okay, but I don’t feel like I was emotionally involved enough. It was very mechanical. I’ve got to state things with a lot more conviction.

I don't think it's always wise to be emotionally invested in things like that. It can drain you. I use anger often for power in situations and it can be so draining that later in the day I just want to sleep.

[Amphibian220 322]

Indeed, what you say is true. I guess its the ability to state things clearly and convincingly which I lack. 

[Amphibian220 322]

Okay, so my internship ended with the employer deciding not to give me a paid position. I was not refunded my traveling expenses either. Although he said I can continue on an unpaid basis in order to get valuable working experience.

He may review his decision over the next months, since I’m undertaking a professional qualification in this field.

I asked to think over this proposal.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Amphibian220

[Jason70 68]

I'm sorry about that. I do hope he eventually changes his mind. Not getting positions can be tough on us, but if you stress over it, it will do no good. Hang in there, and i hope you get it!

Best of luck

Jason

[Amphibian220 322]

 

 

when I’m rushing I tend to get very anxious and ill-tempered. I sort of need to control the people who put pressure on me and my clarity and confidence should improve. Instead I take all that pressure and get very frustrated.

Edited December 16, 2020 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220 322]

 

Yesterday i was offered to be a traveling representative for my company. I asked time to think over this. I think i’m going to go for it as I’ve had no such opportunity in the last three years.

 I no longer box to relieve stress and I had to shorten my exercise routine. I’ve got to be more disciplined than that.

 

 

 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220 322]

In the previous years, I wasn’t too sure if I wanted my position so much. Its like i was always keeping an opportunity to quit on someone. Responsibility enmeshes you with an organization. I disliked the idea that I would be stuck in a long term job that wasn’t the best for my health.

 

I now remembered how in a football match i was ever delaying my shot. It just never came because i always wanted to improve, to get closer to the goal and create enough space between myself and the defender. At the end of the match my teammate said i wasted dozens of opportunities.

 

 I called back and asked for an extension to my internship. He accepted and on the day I came back he mentioned taking me on secondments, but gave no specific details. I didn’t cover my interest by defining the internship period and conditions for progression on to a paid role. 

 

My reaction makes it hard to develop skills for contesting issues. Without these skills i will be bad at defending the interests of my organization. There has to be pressure for there to be growth. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220 322]

I tried a day without internet for recreation/distraction purposes. Felt really good and focused. Will go againtoday.

[Bird By Bird 156]

32 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

I tried a day without internet for recreation/distraction purposes. Felt really good and focused. Will go againtoday.

I too wish to accomplish this feat. My last no internet day was a blackout that knocked out power lines in 2015.

[Amphibian220 322]

Go on then, not hard at all. I’ve done two days. Just predetermine what you’re going to go the moment you want to get distracted.

[Amphibian220 322]

I tracked my diet for the first day today and didn’t over-eat. 

I forced myself to lead conversations today and established rapport with the respondents. That came from trusting myself to say what I really thought.

I noticed that on the one hand I give too much attention to detail when filling in court documents or executing any other work task and I notice how nobody really bothers to that extent. On the other hand I don’t give enough consideration to things of primary importance such as my dress and food. My diet got worse ever since I started working and I wasn’t able to discipline myself to cook at home. 

I get a strange sense that there isn’t enough time and skip many things when in fact there are ways of doing things in a more subtle and quicker way.

[Amphibian220 322]

A valuable insight. Eating in combination with absent mindedness is a go to activity when I’m tired. Writing a diary will not control my eating. Great way to control eating is to preplan what I will eat, invest time in cooking and then talk to somebody (in person or on the phone) as I am eating.

Trying to just say i will eat this, will not work if i’m absent minded because I’ll add a lot of things. Eating can completely mess the day up because it undermines discipline, causes me to cave in to other things, makes me feel unwell. Today I have to literally force away absent mindedness or at least talk to people more.

i treat people in the public as potential competitors. I view them with hostility and am reluctant to start conversations. Interestingly, a stranger powered up my car battery when I was stranded on the parking lot last night. Firstly, he was unusually open, easy to speak to and not as careful as people traditionally are. The time scarcity in big cities can make people unwilling to help. I felt a great sense of relief as I stepped over my pride to ask for help and got somebody to help me. I didn’t feel embarrassed either which is great.

Edited January 5 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220 322]

“You worry too much.”

I’ve become aware that it is hard to make decisions in the absence of main agenda. If you have that, everything else serves your main goal. 

But even on a daily basis I’ve got limited time and energy and am unable to get everything done. When I’m differing between two different tasks its the biggest time waster because it causes me to delay starting either of them. 

Another thing that wastes time is the feeling “should I be doing this at all?” One year later and I still haven’t fixed my issues, but it got better. I guess I’ll have to space activities out over different days instead of doing it all piecemeal in one day.

Edited January 10 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220 322]

New found goals

i have to get up 5.50am each morning to be on time for my work. For this to work, i have to be in bed by 10 pm.

I have to exercise each morning for at least one hour and take pictures at the end to track my dynamic.

i have to set limits for daily meals.

I have to start boxing again.

[A New Man 72]

Hey @Amphibian220, great goals! I just started reading your journal.

It's great to wake up early, exercise, and practice boxing! Way to go! Congrats!

[Amphibian220 322]

Thanks @New man.  I actually came home late , didn’t eat properly and got up late at about 7.30.

I didn’t have time for exercise and didn’t feel too pumped during the day.

i know what i can do to go to bed sooner. Write a reminder that i have to do the exercise routine tomorrow.

[BooksandTrees 3445]

Maybe finding a reason to exercise and focusing on that reason will help instead of saying you should exercise. I'm noticing I only do things if I have a purpose for it that will grant a reward.