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Amphibian220

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Last time around I forgot some things in the flat which caused an issue with the landlord. The truck that I hired also did not arrive. It turned out the order taker forgot to place the order or wasn’t sure I needed it. This forced me to wait for a replacement truck to arrive in 8 hours. The loaders were hung over from previous day’s drinking and that meant the work was going slow.

basically I wanted to prevent any of these things from happening again. I also made a mistake by choosing to get free boxes from shops- buying them would cost little but save me strength and time.

i think i would fare better if i didnt worry too much on how I pack stuff. The excessive attention to detail wears me down I swear.

Edited by Amphibian220

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2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

i think i would fare better if i didnt worry too much on how I pack stuff.

Maybe you just need a bit more organisation and structure next time. Moving to another place is always stressful and annoying. I can't name a single person, who sincerely enjoyed it, including me. ^^ And now it is over, you can focus on unpacking, learn from, what went wrong and improve it. After a bit of relaxing, you can start rolling again.

2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

i think i would fare better if i didnt worry too much on how I pack stuff.

I would actually say that a high attention to detail can be key to move successfully. When we move from one place to another, we have a whole picture and a software, where we know, where every single piece and box will go too. We also will have stickers on every box, so that nothing will go to the wrong place. So a lot of preparation to ensure an easy time to move. 

 

And take it easy now, if you are in pain due to lifting. Not doing something for like two weeks or so won't hurt your amount of muscles or overall fitness. 🙂

 

 

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Missed your post @Alexanderle

Self-sabotaging algorithm

Morning- random rumination starts, causing me to eat snacks without measure. I delay or do minor exercise. I get stomach pains as a result. Want to just lay on the settee passively. This further annoys me. Suddenly I am in limbo- my aims are there but I am too sick.

Often feel low on strength, unable to focus. Cannot dress properly, take a bath because of random rumination. 

Emotions- don't want to look for work in this state, don't want to go to the doctor. 

I did not see a psychologist. Guess I should just go to see if the new plan works.

 

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@Amphibian220 That happens, when motivation fades away. It is normal. Motivation is not reliable. Been there, where you are right now just a couple of days. Bad eating, porn, procrastination, less motivation. The last days I built it up again. Looking at my list of goals, trying to focus on, what I care about. Now I am back on track: No porn in days, crazy energy and willingness to workout. I want to get better with working out.

Now let's go. Take control back. Get some momentum. However you are able to do this. It starts in the morning with making your bed: First win, shaving properly, next win. A small 10 minute workout? Next win. Yesterday I was randomly chilling 2 hours in the morning in my bed. Today, I was awake before my alarm clock and ready to roll. Could not await to start the day. This is  how you start moving again. Get up brother. Come one! 

Ps.: Throw those snacks in the garbage. Fucking stuff is slowly killing us. All those people, who invented these snacks, chips, chocolate, gums - they are murderers. Eat healthy instead.

 

 

 

Edited by Alexanderle
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I travelled to the village where I grew up. I dont know what is going on with me. I had some good emotions replaced with some negative ones over the week. This may be because I am interacting with my family more and this is activating memories of incorrect mental conditioning. 

I sat down to study, I was memorizing stuff, putting a real effort and out of the blue I was targeted by a very dumb thought. It was about bullies that laughed at my every failure and they would want me to fail again! It was not conscious, maybe it was triggered accidentally.

I can’t emphasize enough how automatic my mental state seems- its very hard to control. Its very chaotic and unwilling to listen to me. Should I tell myself a thousand times that everything is going to be alright? I don’t know.

Don’t know if that is the case, but thinking about going back to the big city looks daunting because some of my goals haven’t materialized there- work seems an elusive goal, about a 100 apllications after. Even when I got into a job, people found me to lack in communication skills and to be very withdrawn.

Spoke to Dad at night and shared with him about prayers. They seem to have become mechanical- I am often absent minded when I pray. But I pray consistently and never cut back on them.

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35 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

and this is activating memories of incorrect mental conditioning.

What do you mean by "incorrect mental conditioning"

36 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

It was not conscious, maybe it was triggered accidentally.

If it was not conscious, you would not be able to experience it with your mind.

 

Right now, it seems a bit, like you feel not under control. I really don't think you should tell yourself that everything is going to be alright. I think you should prove to yourself with your actions that everything is fine right now. There are no bullies right now looking at you, wanting you to fail. They are a product of your head. You can make this voice to should up and start doing something that creates happiness in you. Working out, doing something after which you feel good... whatever. Even if you would fail, why would failing be a problem?

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Alexanderle, I met with my mother after a long time and she still sometimes says things like I am a child- this is why I had these feelings. I said that I am not ok being treated like that.

Alex, the whole point was - I caught the subconscious! In the past I wouldn’t know what is wrong with me, but I swear this time around I detected it- it was a very short impulse and I slowed myself down- I finally am beginning to understand what meditating and mindfulness is about.

I feel out of control honestly. I want to be a lot more healthy- maybe start increasing reps again, cause the moment something gets easy, I get absent minded and bored. My automatic subconscious starts to annoy me. 

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@Amphibian220 I do understand what you mean. I mean, we are talking about parents, they know, how to annoy us. They know, how to love us as well. So just keep going, I am sure, it is going to be fine eventually and you figure this out.

5 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

My automatic subconscious starts to annoy me

This is, what I am talking about. Sure, we can detect underlying connections or thoughts and understand, why certain things work or don't work. But the idea of an automatic subconscious... that is just not true. Sure, there is a certain kind of subconscious like what your nerves do, processes in your brain etc. which you just can't detect. Also certain patterns, which were learned over the course of your life. But the idea of Sigmund Freud about this unconscious mind, which controls your behavior and hides your sexual desires, that is long overdue. Don't fall into the trap to blame some hypothetical internal force inside of you that controls you. There is only one person in charge and that is you! No one else is to blame. Not your subconscious, not your mother. So increase those reps. It if is boring that is is kinda pointless to even do it. And throw unhealthy food in the garbage, where it belongs. Take care of yourself. You are the only thing that matters. Treat yourself as best as possible. you deserve it. 🙂

 

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Update.

I sort of realized some aims about work that I would like to do- they appear hard but I want to put in some effort and see what happens.

Focusing on work and memorization is still hard for me because it has been 7 years ago that I completed my solicitors qualification course and Master’s degree in the UK.

Something interesting that happened. I bought an astronomer’s telescope to observe stars at night and seeing them freaks them out. I set the tripod up in the loft and switched off the lights to get a good image. Attached the 26 millimeter ocular and the mirror. There was this very bright shining object on the lower west side of the horizon.

Looking into the ocular scared me when the planet appearead so close up! The feeling was that the telescope took me out into open space! I was there stuck in space like several hundred thousand miles away from the planet and I could see an orbiting satellite with the help of the light reflecting from that planet. I swear a few seconds in that total darkness is all I could take. I raced back down the staircase and just went to bed staright away.

 

Edited by Amphibian220

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I don’t trust the process, something is off and I have to get into a fight to fix it.

I do my daily routines, dreading that the day is too long and I might get stuck without stuff to do. Plus I try to rush things cause I want to get on to the next thing as soon as possible. Hence the quality of my work suffers. I am not used to being alone- I start daydreaming way too much.

Hard to admit, I watched short war films today, but I learned something: when I get ill, I prefer to waste time than go to the doctor to fix it. 

Will have to go now, no way around this.

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Day 1 plan

(1) 3 hours revision with conscious effort to memorize material (will self test)

(2) exercises as usual,

(3) cleaning,

(4) going for a walk,

(5) Observing stars at night and starting my first star map.

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