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Last time around I forgot some things in the flat which caused an issue with the landlord. The truck that I hired also did not arrive. It turned out the order taker forgot to place the order or wasn’t sure I needed it. This forced me to wait for a replacement truck to arrive in 8 hours. The loaders were hung over from previous day’s drinking and that meant the work was going slow.

basically I wanted to prevent any of these things from happening again. I also made a mistake by choosing to get free boxes from shops- buying them would cost little but save me strength and time.

i think i would fare better if i didnt worry too much on how I pack stuff. The excessive attention to detail wears me down I swear.

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Right now I am very angry. I started feeling emotions which I always numbed before. I tried to be the nice pleasing person and this led to people from within my family abusing me and disrespectin

This isn’t day 1 of detox. But i will treat any time wasting as breaking the streak of recovery I was going pretty well for the last month. Then a number of health issues cropped up (bad back, ti

@Amphibian220 I do understand what you mean. I mean, we are talking about parents, they know, how to annoy us. They know, how to love us as well. So just keep going, I am sure, it is going to be fine

2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

i think i would fare better if i didnt worry too much on how I pack stuff.

Maybe you just need a bit more organisation and structure next time. Moving to another place is always stressful and annoying. I can't name a single person, who sincerely enjoyed it, including me. ^^ And now it is over, you can focus on unpacking, learn from, what went wrong and improve it. After a bit of relaxing, you can start rolling again.

2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

i think i would fare better if i didnt worry too much on how I pack stuff.

I would actually say that a high attention to detail can be key to move successfully. When we move from one place to another, we have a whole picture and a software, where we know, where every single piece and box will go too. We also will have stickers on every box, so that nothing will go to the wrong place. So a lot of preparation to ensure an easy time to move. 

 

And take it easy now, if you are in pain due to lifting. Not doing something for like two weeks or so won't hurt your amount of muscles or overall fitness. 🙂

 

 

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Missed your post @Alexanderle

Self-sabotaging algorithm

Morning- random rumination starts, causing me to eat snacks without measure. I delay or do minor exercise. I get stomach pains as a result. Want to just lay on the settee passively. This further annoys me. Suddenly I am in limbo- my aims are there but I am too sick.

Often feel low on strength, unable to focus. Cannot dress properly, take a bath because of random rumination. 

Emotions- don't want to look for work in this state, don't want to go to the doctor. 

I did not see a psychologist. Guess I should just go to see if the new plan works.

 

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@Amphibian220 That happens, when motivation fades away. It is normal. Motivation is not reliable. Been there, where you are right now just a couple of days. Bad eating, porn, procrastination, less motivation. The last days I built it up again. Looking at my list of goals, trying to focus on, what I care about. Now I am back on track: No porn in days, crazy energy and willingness to workout. I want to get better with working out.

Now let's go. Take control back. Get some momentum. However you are able to do this. It starts in the morning with making your bed: First win, shaving properly, next win. A small 10 minute workout? Next win. Yesterday I was randomly chilling 2 hours in the morning in my bed. Today, I was awake before my alarm clock and ready to roll. Could not await to start the day. This is  how you start moving again. Get up brother. Come one! 

Ps.: Throw those snacks in the garbage. Fucking stuff is slowly killing us. All those people, who invented these snacks, chips, chocolate, gums - they are murderers. Eat healthy instead.

 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I travelled to the village where I grew up. I dont know what is going on with me. I had some good emotions replaced with some negative ones over the week. This may be because I am interacting with my family more and this is activating memories of incorrect mental conditioning. 

I sat down to study, I was memorizing stuff, putting a real effort and out of the blue I was targeted by a very dumb thought. It was about bullies that laughed at my every failure and they would want me to fail again! It was not conscious, maybe it was triggered accidentally.

I can’t emphasize enough how automatic my mental state seems- its very hard to control. Its very chaotic and unwilling to listen to me. Should I tell myself a thousand times that everything is going to be alright? I don’t know.

Don’t know if that is the case, but thinking about going back to the big city looks daunting because some of my goals haven’t materialized there- work seems an elusive goal, about a 100 apllications after. Even when I got into a job, people found me to lack in communication skills and to be very withdrawn.

Spoke to Dad at night and shared with him about prayers. They seem to have become mechanical- I am often absent minded when I pray. But I pray consistently and never cut back on them.

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35 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

and this is activating memories of incorrect mental conditioning.

What do you mean by "incorrect mental conditioning"

36 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

It was not conscious, maybe it was triggered accidentally.

If it was not conscious, you would not be able to experience it with your mind.

 

Right now, it seems a bit, like you feel not under control. I really don't think you should tell yourself that everything is going to be alright. I think you should prove to yourself with your actions that everything is fine right now. There are no bullies right now looking at you, wanting you to fail. They are a product of your head. You can make this voice to should up and start doing something that creates happiness in you. Working out, doing something after which you feel good... whatever. Even if you would fail, why would failing be a problem?

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Alexanderle, I met with my mother after a long time and she still sometimes says things like I am a child- this is why I had these feelings. I said that I am not ok being treated like that.

Alex, the whole point was - I caught the subconscious! In the past I wouldn’t know what is wrong with me, but I swear this time around I detected it- it was a very short impulse and I slowed myself down- I finally am beginning to understand what meditating and mindfulness is about.

I feel out of control honestly. I want to be a lot more healthy- maybe start increasing reps again, cause the moment something gets easy, I get absent minded and bored. My automatic subconscious starts to annoy me. 

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@Amphibian220 I do understand what you mean. I mean, we are talking about parents, they know, how to annoy us. They know, how to love us as well. So just keep going, I am sure, it is going to be fine eventually and you figure this out.

5 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

My automatic subconscious starts to annoy me

This is, what I am talking about. Sure, we can detect underlying connections or thoughts and understand, why certain things work or don't work. But the idea of an automatic subconscious... that is just not true. Sure, there is a certain kind of subconscious like what your nerves do, processes in your brain etc. which you just can't detect. Also certain patterns, which were learned over the course of your life. But the idea of Sigmund Freud about this unconscious mind, which controls your behavior and hides your sexual desires, that is long overdue. Don't fall into the trap to blame some hypothetical internal force inside of you that controls you. There is only one person in charge and that is you! No one else is to blame. Not your subconscious, not your mother. So increase those reps. It if is boring that is is kinda pointless to even do it. And throw unhealthy food in the garbage, where it belongs. Take care of yourself. You are the only thing that matters. Treat yourself as best as possible. you deserve it. 🙂

 

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Update.

I sort of realized some aims about work that I would like to do- they appear hard but I want to put in some effort and see what happens.

Focusing on work and memorization is still hard for me because it has been 7 years ago that I completed my solicitors qualification course and Master’s degree in the UK.

Something interesting that happened. I bought an astronomer’s telescope to observe stars at night and seeing them freaks them out. I set the tripod up in the loft and switched off the lights to get a good image. Attached the 26 millimeter ocular and the mirror. There was this very bright shining object on the lower west side of the horizon.

Looking into the ocular scared me when the planet appearead so close up! The feeling was that the telescope took me out into open space! I was there stuck in space like several hundred thousand miles away from the planet and I could see an orbiting satellite with the help of the light reflecting from that planet. I swear a few seconds in that total darkness is all I could take. I raced back down the staircase and just went to bed staright away.

 

Edited by Amphibian220
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I don’t trust the process, something is off and I have to get into a fight to fix it.

I do my daily routines, dreading that the day is too long and I might get stuck without stuff to do. Plus I try to rush things cause I want to get on to the next thing as soon as possible. Hence the quality of my work suffers. I am not used to being alone- I start daydreaming way too much.

Hard to admit, I watched short war films today, but I learned something: when I get ill, I prefer to waste time than go to the doctor to fix it. 

Will have to go now, no way around this.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Update,

I have been doing my daily routines, I am really grateful for my teacher- we decided to do lessons on the phone which works out well. I stay focused throughout and am having significant progress. My physical state hampers me at times. Yesterday i had nausea and drowsiness for some reason. 

I am grateful for my family and my well being. That said, my family has very unhealthy interactions which is costly for my mental state. I noticed I was the outlet for abuse when members felt angry, upset. My borders weren’t respected, which I took the decision to express with major improvement to my mental state. I thought borders were an embarassing thing to have.

Suddenly, this one person who caused a lot of trouble to me, said yesterday he was right to make me do his day to day work. It got me angry and I dislike anger because it can be harmful for me. Will try to tell this to him in the morning.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Month 6

I have been doing my routines as planned with some variation. They are never enough to eradicate pockets of free time. That is when rumination comes back. This carried on until a friend of mine visited me to stay over with his family. I’m worried that his older son annoys my son.

 

The event enabled me to acknowledge a number of things.

I am still unable to stop ruminating about pointless things. This is by far the most annoying shortcoming. I don’t feel energized to do many things like clean the back yard, play with children, but am programmed to stay absent minded the moment there is an opportunity. I think this has to do with playing video games for many years. This is also the reason why I want an employer that will closely monitor my work and keep me busy 99 percent of the time.

I feel a lot more confident but I lack mental and physical energy. I don’t know the reason for this, but I think it has to do with being out of employment for over 3 years in combination with low morale. (To do: search morale boosting activities)

I don’t like to express my opinion in relation to things that appear contentious to me. Potential for conflicts annoys me, but at the same time makes me feel powerful and happy when I hold my ground.

 

Edit: I’ve constructed video games in my mind for like 2 or 3 occasions in the previous month. Total time about 15-20 minutes. When I had my first gaming console at age 8, I did the same constructing thing and by the account of my father looked very anxious when I did that. I kept doing this long after I stopped playing games. 

Edited by Amphibian220
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8 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Month 6

I have been doing my routines as planned with some variation. They are never enough to eradicate pockets of free time. That is when rumination comes back. This carried on until a friend of mine visited me to stay over with his family. I’m worried that his older son annoys my son.

 

The event enabled me to acknowledge a number of things.

I am still unable to stop ruminating about pointless things. This is by far the most annoying shortcoming. I don’t feel energized to do many things like clean the back yard, play with children, but am programmed to stay absent minded the moment there is an opportunity. I think this has to do with playing video games for many years. This is also the reason why I want an employer that will closely monitor my work and keep me busy 99 percent of the time.

I feel a lot more confident but I lack mental and physical energy. I don’t know the reason for this, but I think it has to do with being out of employment for over 3 years in combination with low morale. (To do: search morale boosting activities)

I don’t like to express my opinion in relation to things that appear contentious to me. Potential for conflicts annoys me, but at the same time makes me feel powerful and happy when I hold my ground.

 

Edit: I’ve constructed video games in my mind for like 2 or 3 occasions in the previous month. Total time about 15-20 minutes. When I had my first gaming console at age 8, I did the same constructing thing and by the account of my father looked very anxious when I did that. I kept doing this long after I stopped playing games. 

I think we all ruminate about things when we're bored. Free time and relaxation can be good, but humans are natural workers and social beings. If we isolate too much or even work too much we want to escape again. I've had video game cravings for the past 2 weeks. I've been calling friends while doing 3d modeling to take my mind off of it. It will go away soon hopefully. 

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On 5/5/2020 at 10:42 AM, Amphibian220 said:

I am still unable to stop ruminating about pointless things. This is by far the most annoying shortcoming. I don’t feel energized to do many things like clean the back yard, play with children, but am programmed to stay absent minded the moment there is an opportunity. I think this has to do with playing video games for many years. This is also the reason why I want an employer that will closely monitor my work and keep me busy 99 percent of the time.

I think almost every person has this issue today. We just cannot deal with boredom and consider it a threat. And then we are ruminating and thinking. And then we start to think about the thinking itself. I am now trying to get into meditation to see, what happens, when I am not focusing ot them so much. But it is surely a got idea to start living in the presence. The children will not be children forever. Future or past are not the presence. This is a very interesting topic I think. And I am sure, you will find some answers for it!

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  • 4 weeks later...

month 7

I successfully settled a legal dispute with some outside help, My visiting friend helped me to stay more disciplined with all of my routines although I slipped in some places.

 my eating became healthier: I was eating twice a day with no snacks in between and no junk food whatsoever. I had no discomfort, no drowsiness during the day and the ability to finish tasks. I spent more time doing each task and I wasn’t jumping between different tasks. 

Tasks completed: cleaning the back yard, mowing the lawn, buying new things for the household, putting all the trash away and settling the bills, memorizing study materials. I also got into a fight over one of the issues cause I didn’t want to postpone it. I should apply more pressure on people. As my friend went home, this started happening: I was daydreaming more and recollecting movies I had watched before (I am off all media except game quitters).

In the three previous days I got up late but nevertheless completed my morning routines. I am oversleeping when I shouldn’t be. Yesterday and before yesterday there was loss of eating discipline. This must be checked today.

I reread “No more Mr Nice Guy” and affirmed a number of important things but strongly disagreed with the author on others. His work is of benefit because it touches on such a fine line of breaking of male character through external validation, but he seems confused on some points.

 

Edit: this is something I want to examine, if i trigger healthy memory, my organism is much better at handling physical exeecise and digesting food. I am thinking the only road to recovery is by interacting with real life people that reinforce healthy values and trigger good memory.

Edited by Amphibian220
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26 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

I reread “No more Mr Nice Guy” and affirmed a number of important things but strongly disagreed with the author on others. His work is of benefit because it touches on such a fine line of breaking of male character through external validation, but he seems confused on some points.

Which ones do you think Glover is confused about?

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He talks about the importance of releasing toxic shame to attain masculinity. Toxic shame is what he terms hidden bad habits that reinforce to the nice guy that he is despicable. They will distract him when he is out with friends and be reflected in his timid behaviour. People will notice his low self esteem.

To get out of there he has to find safe people to whom he can tell all of that, be it a drug or alcohol addiction or a compulsive disorder such as watching indecent images. When he does that and the safe person treats him with love and support, this experience will enter into a fight with a long held perception that he is a horrible person. It will also kill some of the -appeal- of hidden bad habits and make him look at his situation holistically. All good up until this point.

He then goes on to say that all nice guys have problems with sex. They can never enjoy it properly because again they are too much focused on pleasing the SO that they kill all the romance and they think they are not supposed to have needs met in life.

He sets conditions for when you’ve got an unhealthy embarassment of sex. One of those conditions is if you cannot talk about your sexual experiences with family and friends ! Don’t know what he meant there, but he is completely off.

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41 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

He then goes on to say that all nice guys have problems with sex. They can never enjoy it properly because again they are too much focused on pleasing the SO that they kill all the romance and they think they are not supposed to have needs met in life.

It's hard to dispute that in some absolute terms. He "invented" the category of "Nice Guys" and he gets to decide who fits the description and who doesn't. I think it's still fitting for me today regarding masturbation, though I can't speak for you.

41 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

He sets conditions for when you’ve got an unhealthy embarassment of sex. One of those conditions is if you cannot talk about your sexual experiences with family and friends ! Don’t know what he meant there, but he is completely off.

Looked it up in the book (original PDF on the Internet), but it seems contrary to what you are writing as I read it:

  https://i.imgur.com/qw6Hjq5.png

Edited by Ikar
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1 hour ago, Amphibian220 said:

@ Ikar. You wouldn’t ever share a sexual experience with family and friends, but I agree it is supposed to be joyous, without any feelings of guilt.

LOL, I think I know what you mean now. I think he means "share with friends and family" as in "tell friends and family", not as in "participate in incest with family" 😄

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  • 1 month later...

Month 8.

I know there hasn’t been progress because I still ruminate, watch some short comedy clips and have not improved my situation with regards to employment. This is exacerbated by support from my family. It fuels a complacency. Without it, I would be more aggressive and would settle for a lower level job (pay wise). 

My past two jobs were environments where it was hard for me to establish a working relationship with managers. I prefer it to be as formal and distant as possible. Almost like a classroom setting.  

I should become more proactive from tomorrow and make prospective applications every day and record telephone conversations with employers. The last employer suddenly withdrew from our agreement to work together by dropping my phone calls. This is likely because my pitch and diction wasn’t good enough. I need to work on my diction and improve my offer every time I don’t manage to sell.

Edit: How is this possible? I was trying to entertain my kid and it felt hard, my phone habit was interfering with my conversation. Even moving about was hard! I wanted to fall down on the sofa. Whereas ruminating many people will find draining and boring, but I can spend time on it and even walk a few kilometres. Where did that energy come from?

Turns out the mental state even allocates energy to the habit that has established itself, but refuses to allocate it to a habit that is foreign.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I sort of have the trail now. I often feel tired and unwilling to get out to talk to people. Talking to strangers gets me self conscious and nervous and expends a lot of my emotional strength. I can list so many examples:

I bought a cake and the bakery owner asked me if I liked it. This made me self conscious for no logical reason. I was overly eager to give him a “good” explanation.

I had guests over and was reluctant to say anything. When I spoke it was very tentative and aimed at making the best possible impression on my counterpart. I was totally being a nice guy. They could feel how it was impossible to connect with me, If my job was to meet presidents and create a nice background (a lot of smiling, conversation filled with compliments) I would feel a born natural.

I walked into a restaurant to see my friend. He was with other friends and I can’t express how much their attention annoyed me. I felt like I was causing discomfort to them with my presence but they were absolutely cool about it in reality. “ Why were you stooping? Why didn’t you talk to them?”

Sometimes I just don’t know what to say, and I don’t want to fill the conversation with pointless talk.

My discipline experienced a limited slip. I started watching a channel on negotiation tactics and tricks but i sense it lacks quality because they examine unrealistic scenarios in American movies. It even has a bad side. It calls everything you do a “manipulation” and 90 per cent of the time says that the other party is your opponent whereas this is not true from experience. 

Does this mean my discipline will slip further? To be on the safe side I will assume “yes”.

Terminate this rubbish negotiation tactics channel, return to my previous schedule. 

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I really can feel where you are at. I am the same.

I get self conscious in the easiest situations. I think this comes from trying to act or be perfect.
So I think a good practice is to rebel against it.

On a street with people try to stand still when people are walking in line.
Lie down on the street or in a shopping store.

Things where we think "You cant to THAT!?" 😄 

This will raise confidence and you withstand akwardness and not being perfect.
This practice always helps. I get more self conscious when I stop doing my 
rebel practice.

The older you get the more you feel like you have to fit in or be perfect... no idea why.
But with this rebel practice I have made some positive experience to get out of this trap.

Edited by mks
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Very cool idea Mks! Perhaps, something a bit more engaging, like trying a joke or following a certain archetype to elicit interest from the counterpart.

Does lying down on the road in full view of passers by actually relax you before you go in for an important interview?! I gotta say, I watched a programme that showed tips on how to overcome anxiety before the job interview.  the job applicant was making all sort of silly movements (swinging pelvis etc) to increase his testosterone level. Then he was practicing talking in an elevator. He was totally goofing about and his competitor was tense and keeping it all in. I think that weird behavior may enable you to let some steam out and become alive.

There is something more to my behaviour and I will try to explain it. In my teens, older people appeared very authoritative and respectful to me. My boxing coach, school teachers, parents etc.

I still sort of need to have this older generation above me, They create some sense of security. It sometimes worries me that I am in a work setting where everybody is on par with me because it triggers a sense competition and pride. With an older person, it is painless to hear his censure.

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