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Amphibian220

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8 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

What do you mean with trail of the culprit?

Well, there can be a bad habit of yours or an interaction with a person, lack of something that unnoticeably causes you to be upset and affects your efforts.For instance, if you sit all day at the working desk and barely exercise, after a year you won’t be feeling very energetic.

Even if all your interactions are good, you have a good balance of social activities, exercise and rest, the mental state will need some time to heal. It will not be overnight. That is what I think

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Got signed out from the hospital, seem to be ok.

At the boxing session there was an altercation between the coach and one of the boys from our group. The coach supported and praised the ruling party and this guy chose to voice disagreement. They kept arguing the rest of the session while we worked on the punching bags. The boy was adamant and nothing could sway him, the coach was very authoritative and emotional and kept reiterating he had more experience and has known life in the country before. 

We even had to track time for rest on our own, the coach was just drawn into this political discussion and couldn’t stop. 

On the weekend I went to try out a new boxing club. The guys there were very interested in me and the coach appreciated my skill level. Then this happened: they started asking me all sorts  of questions and I was getting self-conscious. Then we spoke about an MMA champion and one of my fellows criticised him. I felt very strange: At first I wanted to disagree but then sort of just went along with what the guy was saying. It felt like I wanted to avoid the slightest mishap. Why was I so nervous over something so trivial? I noticed I cannot really do banter with people. It is as if i get too drawn in, whereas they are cool with it. All this after telling others not to fear a conflict.

 

when I do argue with somebody, I am worried that their response is going to be very hurtful. Like, they can’t really do anything to me. I guess this trait just developed from my teenage years.

Edited by Amphibian220

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7 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Got signed out from the hospital, seem to be ok.

At the boxing session there was an altercation between the coach and one of the boys from our group. The coach supported and praised the ruling party and this guy chose to voice disagreement. They kept arguing the rest of the session while we worked on the punching bags. The boy was adamant and nothing could sway him, the coach was very authoritative and emotional and kept reiterating he had more experience and has known life in the country before. 

We even had to track time for rest on our own, the coach was just drawn into this political discussion and couldn’t stop. 

On the weekend I went to try out a new boxing club. The guys there were very interested in me and the coach appreciated my skill level. Then this happened: they started asking me all sorts  of questions and I was getting self-conscious. Then we spoke about an MMA champion and one of my fellows criticised him. I felt very strange: At first I wanted to disagree but then sort of just went along with what the guy was saying. It felt like I wanted to avoid the slightest mishap. Why was I so nervous over something so trivial? I noticed I cannot really do banter with people. It is as if i get too drawn in, whereas they are cool with it. All this after telling others not to fear a conflict.

 

when I do argue with somebody, I am worried that their response is going to be very hurtful. Like, they can’t really do anything to me. I guess this trait just developed from my teenage years.

You already answered your own question. You saw how the disagreement played out at your current gym and didn't want it to happen at the new one. 

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8 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

It is as if i get too drawn in, whereas they are cool with it.

I can totally relate to that. It makes the supposedly easy small talk a bigger chore. Nasty thing. I heard other people suggesting don’t be too strict to oneself. They said even if one does end up too drawn in, that’s the personality of this person. Serious with things. Nothing bad about it.

I find that advice works with myself. At least giving me peace when similar things happen. And peace is important to actually achieve a effortless small talk.

Edited by BgK

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I’d really like to change my perception of conflicts, tone and approach.

I constantly think I might say something wrong or be taken the wrong way when I’m around people. Noone cares as much as I do.

On top of that when someone acts rudely, I’m very introverted and barely tell them that. I used to think that the fight isn’t worth it, but actually it is in my opinion.

Some years ago I was mocked by an obnoxious person and ever since I wanted to find him and intimidate him for his abuse.

Hopefully this will pass.

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Never let hate control you. Still up to this day I sometimes dream about killing my former class mates and bullies from school in various pathetic ways. I think I should not blame them. Back then I was just very unsocial. I don't think I would have liked myself a lot. So it has to start with you and positive vibes. Trusting yourself and standing in for your argument. But it is a very tough topic. I am not so sure about this as well. But in osychology we learn the people are modtly in their own bubble and interpret everything to make it fit with their current mental models

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Confront anxiety, but how?!

I am caught between two people. One of them requested some help on work that is his responsibility, but the other wants me to reject this opportunity.

Person number 1 used to be a habitual bully and just send his requests backed by threats of intimidation and emotional appeal. I dont mind to help in principle, but its just this fact that makes it hard (its politicized because of history).

Person number 2 cares about me but actually full on attacks me if I get into any interaction with this bully. The thing is, this bully is my relative and fighting him just strains relations all across the family.

I should just come clean and set conditions for the help I’m going to offer, so it doesn’t get stretched. The other problem is that his method is to involve other people if I say no to him, so then everybody cluelessly starts advising to help him.

Edit: he just holds people hostage and its really tough to negotiate with him. Whatever choice I take, it will upset either of them.

Edited by Amphibian220
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You need to set stronger boundaries with this person, they probably don't even think they are manipulating you. I'm not great at this myself so I'm just giving you advice that I've been given countless times... I know it's far from easy. Even if fighting your bully strains your family relations, it's still the right thing to do. At the end of the day, you're the most important person in your life.

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@Amphibian220 I honestly don't know, what the right thing is here. I don't know, what exactely it is that he/ she wants you to do and what he/she did previousley to you in the past. Furthermore, why the other person will be angry at you, if you help. These are important factors.  

Without knowing all that, this is what I know: The one person bullied you, which obviously is nothing you like and the other person takes care of you. You even call person one "this bully" and that he emotionally manipulates people. I said that you should not try to hate him and be totally pissed. Why? Because then, he/she "wins". I was obsessed and angry because of people, which I have not seen since almost 10 years. That is not healthy. They probably don't even think of me anymore. And back then, I also did stupid things and there were reasons, why I got bullied. So this is not only their fault. So I think that I really stopped hating them over time. And I think that is the way to go in the long term. Even though it can take some time, until the wounds are healed.

Yet, despite not answering hate with plain hate, does it mean that you have to be friends with them? And that you have to do, whatever they want? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
If this is a serious request by the bully to help him/her than this request has the possible option to refuse it. If not, it is not a request, but he/she is trying to force you to do something. I will not advise you to say no. I want you to think about, what it is that you want right now. What are you afraid about and how do you want that others treat you. If saying "no" is what you want then maybe this is the way to go, despite all the problems, it will cause in your family.

If you are ready to step up to this fear, this is where you will grow. But I know that this can be terrifying. So I would not blame you, if you are not ready yet. In that case, try to slowly go closer to this area, where your anxiety lies. Tackle it slightly. You already said that you could negotiate. Not making it easy for him/her is, where you are already starting to step up to your anxiety. And then you make another step the next time. You discuss and negotiate even more. You do it all with a certain way of safety, but still outside of your comfort zone. Eventually, you will win the battle, my friend. Maybe after some requests you are finally ready to really say no. The end goal is pretty clear, just like @ceponatia said: 'At the end of the day, you're the most important person in your life.' So help this wonderful person as much as you can. Even if it requires small steps.

Just my personal opinion at the end: I would trust the person that takes care of me more, than a person that bullied me. In the end of the day, it is difficult. ;/

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Actually this is very helpful Alexanderle. Its the negotiation that truly brings out the motivation and intentions in people.

the complexity is here: at first he just requested things to have a laugh and it was obvious. But the more serious requests started coming and its not easy to know if he is entirely honest or not.

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Ok,

I quickly read No more Mr Nice Guy (100 pages)

First caved in but then within 12 hours Bluntly turned away two bullies and had to crush at my friend’s place. His mattress is shit so I got a neck pain now;

Determined to see a GP and psychologist to fix health issues properly;

Determined to state clearly what I want and need for my life given my priorities and to never be manipulative and dishonest;

 

Edited by Amphibian220

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Right now I am very angry.

I started feeling emotions which I always numbed before. I tried to be the nice pleasing person and this led to people from within my family abusing me and disrespecting. In return I started acting in a fundamentally dishonest way.

I confronted one such person, but just for the recent attempt to attack me. There is this whole other history when he got me to do all sorts of work and laughed /teased me for caving in.

 

Today I shall do my coursework, exercise, search for potential employment opportunities, box. Tell this person what I disagree with in my relationship with hin (its basically dead) He can GTFO.

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