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Erik2.0

Who Am I? Day 1

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Hello,

It’s 11/14/19 and I decided to recommit to quit today after just thirty minutes of gaming. I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I’m 31 and single. I’ve wanted to be stable with someone forever so it’s dismaying for me. I just feel like it’s really difficult for me to find someone. 
 

I have a job but haven’t saved much money. I’m kind of thin and don’t have the best skin. And I have schizoaffective disorder. That’s a combination of depression and schizophrenia. It means I’m at risk for getting depressed and sometimes have delusions that people are out to get me. 
 

My therapist recommended me to a group for people who are chronically mentally ill because I was continually having suicidal ideation for months while working with her. I’ve really got to continue with that group. 
 

Anyways. Things didn’t workout with a couple of romantic prospects and I got pretty down. Then I was playing a game and realized. “Playing isn’t making me feel better. It’s making me feel worse.” That led me back on here and now I’m adding to the forums. 
 

I've never been an online poster, I don’t even use social media. But for some reason this site has given me the power to quit gaming when I felt completely hopeless. When I get paid I’m thinking I’ll try to complete the respawn guide. 
 

If you read my intro you know I’ve been on vacation trying to quit again. It’s hard, it hurts and I’m not really sure what my identity is. “Who am I?” Is a question I’m trying to answer now.

 

I am a Christian. I workout, I practice yoga and mindfulness. I love to read, especially the Bible. I love my family and even though it’s challenging for me to get along with them sometimes. I keep trying. I’m a counselor and I hope to become a licensed therapist some day. I used to be a gaming addict. 
 

I just feel like my whole life is at risk when I play a game for even a second. It’s a pretty intense reality, but I think it’s true for any gaming addict. The only solution for me is to stop gaming for life.
 

Erik

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I think that gaming is just a medium through which your problems manifest themselves. The gaming addiction is not a cause of your problems, but a secondary effect of something else. Even if you could defeat the addiction, I'm afraid that would not help you as it would find ways to manifest in other areas of your life. You must discover what the underlying problem is and usually it's something a person tries to avoid. You must bravely consult your conscience and ask yourself "what am I doing wrong in this situation?". Sorry, I don't want to sound like I'm blaming you, but assuming responsibility for the bad things that happen in your life is really helpful, because then it's on you. You're not a helpless victim in your situation but an active agent upon which everything depends. That's what I do with my problems.

And I understand that not having a girlfriend at 31 sucks. I'm 23 and I never had a romantic relationship, even though I wanted that with my whole heart. But I also believe there are valuable lessons that can be learned when you are alone. It may be painful to admit this but another person, no matter how wonderful she might be, can't make you happy. Nobody's perfect and nobody can carry the weight of responsibility to make us happy. That load is ours and even though its a hard load, its a liberating thing too. A well developed personality is independent and relationships from his or her perspective are optional, not mandatory.  

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Hi Erik,

Glad you're here. I can relate to a lot of what you said. You can absolutely 100% get through this. You've already taken some great steps forward.

In my opinion the hardest part is the start, but as you start building the structures and habits around you that you'll need, things will get easier. And even if you step backwards, you'll start being able to recover quicker, so to speak. And it's really interesting that you said you didn't know yourself. Thinking back on my own experience, these past 7 months have been hugely informative for me. I've been able to push a few comfort zones of mine, and I ended up challenging a few notions of myself which ended up being completely false. I wouldn't have been able to attempt any of that if I hadn't given up games.

Good luck to you!

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On 11/15/2019 at 9:25 PM, DaBest said:

Hi Erik,

Glad you're here. I can relate to a lot of what you said. You can absolutely 100% get through this. You've already taken some great steps forward.

In my opinion the hardest part is the start, but as you start building the structures and habits around you that you'll need, things will get easier. And even if you step backwards, you'll start being able to recover quicker, so to speak. And it's really interesting that you said you didn't know yourself. Thinking back on my own experience, these past 7 months have been hugely informative for me. I've been able to push a few comfort zones of mine, and I ended up challenging a few notions of myself which ended up being completely false.

Hi!

 

Great post thank you for your reply. It sounds like you’ve excelled in increasing your comfort zone and overcome some negative beliefs that weren’t true about yourself? Either way, good job being seven months off. I’ll try to post again. It’s been about ten days for me now. How did you get into your hobbies? What are they?

Erik

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Hi Erik,

First of all, congrats on the ten days! That's a great first step. 

Yeah, I've been more successful in pushing my comfort zone in some areas rather than others, probably first and foremost was that I did not consider myself a funny person. I kind of knew things changed a bit once I opened up to people, but I had a harder time doing so. I started doing improv this past year and I ended up joining an indie team. We've been doing a bunch of shows and I found out today that we might be getting a paid gig, which is absolutely wild. But the best part from doing all this is that I'm a much more open person in general, not just with humor.

Right now my three main hobbies are improv, bodybuilding, and salsa dancing. Improv for the aforementioned reasons. Bodybuilding is recent due to back problems I am having, and I've always wanted to be an athlete of sorts. Salsa dancing I'm picking back up because I need help with romantic relationships with women. There are others too, but I've had too many that I've started and dropped for one reason or another.

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Hello da best,

Thats awesome you’re going to do some paid improv. You guys must be fun to watch. I’m doing bodybuilding too. I also got into it to fix up my lower back pain. I like doing introverted things like journaling or reading. Salsa and improv are Outside my comfort zone I think. Although I haven’t tried improv. Is there a way to message people on here or can we only post in forum? 
 

Erik

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Hi again! 

Yeah, it will be if it pans out. Even if I get paid once, I can say now and forever that I am a paid comedian, haha. 

Bodybuilding really is awesome! I should've started along time ago instead of playing the sports I did. If you're still dealing with your back and don't know what's going on, I find the videos from Upright Health really intriguing. I'm using the stuff I learned there to really begin experimenting with my back and understanding my joint and muscle dysfunctions. Have you found anything that's worked well for your back in particular?

I'm a huge introvert too--this was way out of my comfort zone, but I'm glad I did it. That's kind of the point with quitting video games.

You can message directly too. In forum, if you quote someone or use the @, like @Erik2.0, you'll get a notification. You can also DM by hovering over the person's icon, and hitting message.

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On 12/4/2019 at 12:36 AM, DaBest said:

Yeah, I've been more successful in pushing my comfort zone in some areas rather than others, probably first and foremost was that I did not consider myself a funny person. I kind of knew things changed a bit once I opened up to people, but I had a harder time doing so. I started doing improv this past year and I ended up joining an indie team. We've been doing a bunch of shows and I found out today that we might be getting a paid gig, which is absolutely wild. But the best part from doing all this is that I'm a much more open person in general, not just with humor.

Hey, DaBest!

Interesting that you started doing improv, I'm thinking about getting some acting lessons and that's really out of my comfort zone. How did that went to you? When thinking about it, I'm flooded with discouraging thoughts like "you will be so embarrassed, you're too old (26), etc".

At the same time I know that it's gonna be good for me, because I'm a huge introvert too. I am looking for singing classes too, which is another thing that I'm interested in and is out of my comfort zone too (less than acting lessons, so I started by this). Fuck, I need to take the leap, just taking the courage to that.

 

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On 11/15/2019 at 2:10 AM, Erik2.0 said:

It’s 11/14/19 and I decided to recommit to quit today after just thirty minutes of gaming. I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I’m 31 and single. I’ve wanted to be stable with someone forever so it’s dismaying for me. I just feel like it’s really difficult for me to find someone. 

If I can contribute with something, don't worry too much about being single. Focus on improving every aspect of your life (appearance, hobbies, work, etc) and the romantic part is gonna come together. The first step you already made: taking the decision to change. Now keep at it and don't give up. I don't have the intention of leaving de forum very soon, so we are together in that. Good luck man!

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On 12/10/2019 at 8:35 PM, WhatAboutToday? said:

If I can contribute with something, don't worry too much about being single. Focus on improving every aspect of your life (appearance, hobbies, work, etc) and the romantic part is gonna come together. The first step you already made: taking the decision to change. Now keep at it and don't give up. I don't have the intention of leaving de forum very soon, so we are together in that. Good luck man!

Thanks man. I see how focusing on myself goes back and forth with a romantic interest. I'm looking at different hobbies to try to get to know people and develop my own life too now. Keep it real!

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Yeah man, just go for it. I have some good news for you--you won't die if you do!

I was 26 last year when I started too. I sucked big time when I started since I was so trapped in my head and so self-conscious. I nearly quit this past spring since I felt was struggling mightily with one of the classes I was taking, coupled with all the stress of giving up games at the same time. However, I stuck with it, and I'm starting to learn to enjoy the progression more than the results themselves. As long as I keep improving, it's worth it. 

And that's awesome you're thinking of taking singing classes too! That sounds like a lot of fun. 

Out of curiosity, what is it about acting and singing you like in particular?

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10 hours ago, DaBest said:

Out of curiosity, what is it about acting and singing you like in particular?

 

Curiously, that's not a thing that I reflexed on beforehand. Being more open is naturally a factor, but it is more of a consequence/benefit from this activies than a reason to do them. Thinking about it right now, I think singing/acting involves a lot of "expressing yourself". Some people express themselves exceptionally well, for example, by painting. Or drawing. Maybe just talking. I don't think I already found my form of expression. But I like singing, for example, and I want to give it a try.

By the way, thanks for the question man, made me reflect a lot about questions unanswered in my life, I appreciate it.

Edited by WhatAboutToday?
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Day 20 

Hey,

I’ve been sleeping funny because I don’t do well with the central heater now that it’s winter. I use this as an excuse to not do much, it also hinders my energy levels. In my free time I’ve been watching a lot of tv which isn’t the best, but at least it’s not gaming. 
 

I do enjoy going to my room at night and reading And journaling which is a good ‘real world’ couple of activities. I don’t know what to do otherwise as most things seem to cause me too much anxiety to continue with. I’ll see if I can get health insurance to continue with my therapist or see a new one that’s closer to my home. 
 

I basically need a hobby to take the place of watching tv. I just don’t really know what to do and even though I looked through the hobby took I couldn’t really come up with anything I could do. Maybe I could give poetry, writing or playing music another try.

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0

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