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TheNewMe2.0's Journal - A Better Life


TheNewMe2.0

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Positive: I like my shirt. It's a light colored shirt that says Joshua tree on it. I like getting shirts that reference nature and parks. One of my few hobbies is going hiking so it's actually relevant if I get a nature shirt. I've been thinking about getting a bike so I can ride with my client better. My current one isn't functioning so well. The thing is I don't know if I'd use the bike outside of sessions with my client. The bike he lets me use is pretty junky. It can barely move up and down hills and it's very slow. The bike from a friend for free I got doesn't function much better. I was thinking of getting a nice 500$ mountain bike from dicks sporting goods. This is a tough decision. I think I might do it. Yeah I'll go to the bike trail and check them out I still don't know about a bike. I felt pretty uncomfortable riding my bike around yesterday and saying hi to people on it. Maybe if I just ride it and don't say hi to people it'll be okay? 

I had a wet dream last night after watching the seven deadly sins on Netflix. I guess the anime was too pervy for me. I'll still probably watch it. Just during the day time this time instead of at night. If it keeps happening I'll probably just cut it out . Although it would suck to lose a good show like that. I guess I'm tentatively selling my old bike and trying to buy a new one. 

I like having a shaved head because I don't collect hair in the drain or on the bathroom floor. I don't get sweaty hair. 

I smiled at an amazon prime car

I accomplished not quitting on my new job yet

I am grateful for the bike I just sold for 84$ profit, the new bike I'll get, food, birthday dinner with neighbors tonight, blanket, remotes, pencil, poetry, poems and myself for not popping pimples even when they hurt.

God bless

Erik

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Positive: My mom's down to give me 100$ for a new bike for my bday. Sweet. She'll probably chip in when the time comes. She was willing to today, but didn't because it was a bad deal on craigslist. I can't blame her. So we're going to wait until the bike shop gets new bikes in for sale in late September. I'm gonna call them tomorrow and ask if they know about what date they might be getting mountain bikes in that would fit me 19". Yep. Till then I'll keep checking CL for deals. Hopefully if I get a bike I'll actually take it out to the trails and go ride it. We almost bought a bike off CL that is 600 new for 500. But my mom was like that's a bad deal just keep looking and waiting. 

Seven deadly sins is good. 

Spoiler

King and Dianne finally professed their love for each other and got together. Ah finally. I was waiting two seasons for that. When it happened I exclaimed, "Thank you Jesus." I had been waiting so long for their love to bloom it felt like it took forever. Anyways it was nice.  

Well. I'm still on the train to try the new job. No call back from my sup I'll call li. Li was supposed to set me up for training and to start today, but she hasn't called me or texted or anything. When I tried to check in with her she seemed annoyed that I Was checking in and was like "I'm on it." But it's past the deadline she set and now I'm just stuck waiting. I don't want to try checking in again and get snapped at. So . . . let's play the waiting game shall we. On a down note I was so stressed about my new job being stressful this morning I Felt briefly suicidal. That was kind of scary. Hope that doesn't happen again.

I smiled at the sky

I accomplished eating 4 sausages.

I am grateful for the sky, sausages, mom for making food, new job train, life, living one day at a time, doing the best I can, 7 deadly sins show, fingers and moles.

God bless

Erik

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@Icandothis Oh, thank you. I will, taking in nature is healing. I know what they mean when it's a cotton candy sky. It's all blue and pink like cotton candy. Here's a poem.

Starting a new job:

I am looking out 

at a new frontier. It is

rocky and green with

an abundance of new life.

But, beware the tar pits loom.

I wonder if I

will end up on the grass of 

a merry green hill.

Or will I drown in the hot

merciless, stinky, black tar?

Positive: I'm going to see a bike I'm interested in tomorrow. I saw a Motobecane trail bike with disc brakes and full suspension for $550 on craigslist. I'm planning to go there and offer 500. It's like a 50 minute drive. Maybe I could bargain over email before showing up. Well, whatever even if they say 550 firm I'd still probably do it. That's a good deal on a mountain bike with those specs. I don't really know that much about them. But I know I need a good bike to ride with my client and if I use it as a hobby I'll want something with suspension so I don't hurt my back going over bumps on trails. Trails are 20 and 30 minutes drive from me. I guess that's not too bad. I do have time to go on weekends so I Can keep the hobby alive. 

I still write poems. Not religiously everyday like I was. But somewhat regularly. I like the ones that are positive and optimistic. Or have a lot of metaphors and imagery in them. I write a lot of sad poems that aren't optimistic. I don't like those ones as much, but I guess that's just how I was feeling at the time. 

I smiled at @Icandothis

I accomplished getting up

I am grateful for possible new bike, icandothis, poems, my poems, green plants, blue skies, fingernails, nose, nose hair, breathing.

God bless

Erik

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Positive: I still might get a better new job. I'm hopeful that Li will get back to me on my new job and start me already. She said Monday I'd start and it's already Wednesday with no reply. My mom says to just be patient and not bug her. As bugging her about it before got me a sharp retort. So I guess I'll wait till next Monday to text her about it. Or maybe Saturday. Yeah, Monday or Saturday I'll text her about it. I hope the new job isn't too stressful. My current job is pretty tough. My kid's always saying mean things to me and offending me in some way. It's not fun to be around. His family is also trouble to be around as they have a lot of issues. They're not fun to be working with at all for now. Hopefully getting this bike will help because then I can just ride bikes with the kid and not have to do much else. Also maybe I'll ride it on trails and get in better shape/do something other than watch tv. 

I smiled at the day

I accomplished getting up

I am grateful for Li, new job, old job, getting honest, tv, biking, the day, getting up, Jesus and good health.

God bless

Erik

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Positive: I got a new job interview. So that's cool. I got a job interview in addition to my new job. So I may have two new jobs to choose from when I get the chance to change jobs. I just hope Li comes through with the new job soon so I don't have to keep the other job waiting. I just want to start and give it a shot already. I'm tired of my current job. I'm tired of having to play board games with the kids. I don't like board games, but there's nothing else to do on rainy days like today. I'm not supposed to watch tv with them, but I have done it sometimes just because they refused to do anything else. It's a tough job for me right now. If only I loved board games and could do them comfortably then this job would be great. But I strongly dislike them as they cause me anxiety so it's no good. I hope the change comes soon and it doesn't rain anymore during my shifts until I change jobs. Once I change it won't matter if it rains. It's all Telehealth (video calls). That'll be nice I think because I don't have to do anything physical with clients like I do now and I can just sit and talk with them like normal therapy. And it'll be as many hours as I can work is what they said at Li's job. At the other job I'm not sure if it'll be full time or not I'll have to ask in my interview tomorrow. I hope that it doesn't rain today (50% chance). Then we can go biking instead of board games. 

I smiled at birds

I accomplished making breakfast and doing dishes

I am grateful for my blanket birds, breakfast, dishes, water, thermos, money I have, jobs, tv, board games and no rain.

God bless

Erik

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@BooksandTrees Yeah I did, drawing was giving me too much anxiety so I stopped. There were some fun and good ones back in the day though. Now I just write poems that mostly just help me get out my struggles in life. I really only like to share the nice ones, not the ones I write about my suffering. Thanks for the luck, I hope one of my jobs pans out for me too. 

Positive: Everything's pretty good in my life. Yeah my clients are giving me a hard time right now. But, all in all I'm doing okay. My life is pretty good. I've figured out a system to watch and test new Netflix shows and it's going well. I have a workout routine that I'm keeping up with decently (just deadlifted 165lbs x 5). I drink my 80oz of water a day, sleep 13 hours, do my daily routines. My constipation has cleared up. And I'm looking at two new potential jobs. Both of which would be outpatient work which would (I think) be a lot better for me. Just sitting and talking with people 45 minutes at a time would be way less intense than what I do now. Driving to people's houses, hanging out with their kids for 3 hours at a time trying to find something we can do to pass the time. Dealing with all kinds of frustrating behavior. Kids attacking me, calling me names, saying things that are upsetting to me. Hopefully the work is less upsetting at my new job. Li made it sound like I didn't even have to interview for the job. She'd just set me up and I'd train and start. But nothing has happened yet aside from her texting me 'I haven't forgotten you at all. I'm working on something.' So we'll see. I really hope she comes through and believe she will. This other job I'm interviewing for today is also outpatient work. So if I get it and I can do full time there then that would be a possible option too. The job with Li pays better than my current job so we'll see how much the other job pays. 

I smiled at bananas 

I accomplished cleaning my water bottle like I always do in the morning yeah go me

I am grateful for bananas, water bottle cleaning, hiking, biking, current job, potential new jobs, Li, deadlifting, and the outdoors.

God bless

Erik

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Positive: I'm getting more clients. More work has begun to come my way at my current job. The interview went okay at the Jam job. That's what I'll call this other person who interviewed me. I felt like I was dealing with some kind of intense feeling in the interview. Like I was being grilled or something. A single drop of sweat poured forth from my left armpit. It made me wonder if this was a good job for me or not. They sounded real serious about the profession and the work they do. A little too serious if you ask me. I like people to be somewhat lax about what they're doing so there's room for error. If it's all super anal and intense all the time it'll break down from being too tightly wound. I don't deal well with tightly wound. Anyways now my hours are up to what approximately 12 and I'll try to get back 9 and maybe 9 more so up to 30 potentially at my current job. I'd probably stay here if I didn't have to like watch tv with clients thus breaking the rules. But I go over there and the client won't stop watching tv while I'm there. So it's not like I can force them off the tv and even if they agreed there'd be nothing else for us to do anyways. So I guess I'll just keep watching tv with them until I get a new job in an office setting where I can be more legitimate and just do talk therapy.

I smiled at my client smoking CBD, that's nuts and somewhat triggering, but whatever. It's just part of the job for now.

I accomplished making breakfast rice

I am grateful for my client, CBD?, Jam job, Li job, current job, lax organizations, 30 hours of work a week, hiking, socks and toenails. CBD because it's helping my client with his back pain. Although it's kind of like, maybe that's just a good excuse to smoke this thing that's like weed. Oh well. At least it's legal completely.

God bless

Erik

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Positive: Tv is slowly becoming my salvation. So I'm not really supposed to watch tv with clients at work. But it's basically one of the only things I can do with them that doesn't cause me major anxiety. Even the tv shows mostly cause me anxiety so we have to watch from an approved list of things that I can watch on my Netflix. Still I'm grateful for this because if I didn't have these shows to watch then I'd have nothing to do at work. I had to make this choice because board games caused me too much anxiety to do which was pretty much the only other option. They caused me so much anxiety it was making me lose sleep and wake up feeling angry and irritated. I just got through that experience and it was not pleasant. So yeah, I realize I'm not the only one who does this as another co worker said she watched a lot of anime with a client who didn't want to do much else. I guess it's breaking a small rule to avoid losing my mind or having nothing to do. I don't like breaking rules, but I think I have to do this to like just to get by. If I get the new job I'm hoping for I won't have this predicament to deal with. I'll just be able to see clients and do talk therapy for 45 minute sessions multiple times a day. Thus eliminating the need to kill 3 hours of time together like I do at my current job. Then I can be more honest like I like being. squeaky clean. It's kind of odd that I'm so obsessed with cleanliness and honesty now. When before I used to get money from my parents and use it on marijuana by the hundreds of dollars. Lie and say I was buying books for school. Cheat on my class assignments. And just be doing bad things all the time. Sitting around smoking and gaming all day. It was no good. Maybe this is balance for now.

I smiled at the 100 tv show that I'm trying out

I accomplished getting up 15 minutes early, feels okay but I'm not optimistic about sleeping less than 13 hours

I am grateful for plants, trees, fence, house, stand, lap desk, water bottle, journal, poetry journal and shorts. I wear my shorts everyday in the summer. Now that it's fall I'll probably go get some pants from goodwill. Khakis and jeans. But we can't wear jeans at work. So lots of khakis from goodwill, yeah. 

God bless

Erik

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Positive: My cooking skill is improving. So my cooking is improving via the food network videos on YouTube. I made a turkey chili that turned out good although it's not that filling probably because it's turkey. So that's good. I'll probably hit up more videos and cook more dishes. I'm cataloging all the recipes in my phone so I can pull them up and remake them later if I want to. 

I've got to do some long tedious paperwork for my job. I'll get paid minimum wage to do it, but I'm not looking forward to typing in all this information into the computer right now. I'm still applying for new jobs and hoping on the ones I'm involved in. Watching new shows is not working so far for me. I've tried out a dozen shows and not one of them have I been able to watch due to my tv disorder. It sucks. But at least I've got a handful of shows I can watch with people so I'm not totally unable to watch shows with others. I'll keep searching for a new show to add to my roster. 

We had a party last night. It was alright. I liked eating with a bunch of people. There wasn't enough food and my mom's friend got mad at her for not making enough. My mom was in denial and said there was enough (but really there wasn't imho). Yeah. What're you gonna do? Some guy at the party was talking to me and he talked too much. I just went to bed eventually though. I still have dreams of sleeping less than 13 hours a night, but I don't think they'll be realized unless they come out with a new version of risperdal that's non-drowsy. 

I smiled at my rug

I accomplished making chili

I am grateful for my rug, chili, risperdal which makes me non-suicidal, the food we had, company, potential new shows to add to roster, my job even though it's tough sometimes, my roster of shows, hands and veins.

God bless

Erik

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My client is wanting me to watch him play video games. I feel kind of bad like I’m cheating on my gaming sobriety or something as I know a lot of people don’t watch videos of games. Is this bad for my sobriety? Do I need to tell him that I won’t watch him game anymore? I seem to be able to watch and be okay.

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29 minutes ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

My client is wanting me to watch him play video games. I feel kind of bad like I’m cheating on my gaming sobriety or something as I know a lot of people don’t watch videos of games. Is this bad for my sobriety? Do I need to tell him that I won’t watch him game anymore? I seem to be able to watch and be okay.

Only if it makes you play or crave gaming again. If it does then I'd say communication with everyone is key. 

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@DaBest Here's the link. Food network has a ton of great cooking videos on their channel. I have an interview today. Although I haven't been feeling this job all that much. They seem a little too serious about the job. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3u7uhLyA-A&t=8s 

@BooksandTrees Yeah it's not worth relapsing to get hours in. I'm gonna tell him no gaming. He smokes CBD though which is also triggering. He's like relapse temptation client. 

Positive: I got through a 2 hour meeting. That meeting felt like it went on forever. Oh my gosh I don't like being in those meetings at all. I've got a second interview with a company. I'm not really looking to work there though even if I get the job. I'm still waiting on Li to get back to me about the job with her. Li's job pays more and possibly will give me more hours to start than Jam's job. I could really use to pay increase. That'd be great. Plus working in an office would mean about an hour less commute time per day which would translate to an hour more of getting paid per day = +6 hours a week. That's a big difference in pay +6 hours and +$25%/hour. Li's taking a while to get back to me though. My mom said not to pester her and to just wait for it to come to me. So I'm waiting patiently and not pestering Li. If she doesn't get back to me in another week though I think I might try to check in with her. Well. Hope she gets back to me before then.

I smiled at long work hours each day.

I accomplished sleeping 13 hours.

I am grateful for my mom who tries to provide just about everything I ask for. And does so on a budget too I might add. I didn't have time to make dinner last night and thankfully she came home in time to cook for me. I was really grateful for the food as I'd have to do microwaveable food if she didn't.

God bless

Erik

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Positive: I'm still posting

I have 7 minutes and 7% battery to make this post happen. I'm living life on the edge. I only have a little time in the morning to do my morning routine and go to work. It's pretty nuts just working all day then going to sleep. But today I have some time to chill after work. Like 2 hours. But depending on scheduling I'll only have 40 minutes to eat dinner after work on tues thurs. It's getting pretty tight with the time. Well. I gotta keep going and doing the best I can because that's all I can do. I may have to drop a client because his cbd smoking is too triggering for me to be around. It's making me crave cbd and want to smoke the substance, which would count as a relapse for my 2 years sobriety from substances. So I don't want that to happen we'll see if the client agrees to stop smoking around me. 

I smiled at my power strip

I accomplished getting ready for work

I am grateful for my blanket, power strip, work, money, and my moms potted plants all around the house. It's nice having them here to look at and keep me company as I sit here on my couch using the computer or tv. yeah. They're worth smiling at. I'm trying to write a few sentences about something I'm grateful for instead of just a list of ten because I figure it might make me more grateful. I don't know maybe the list is better. We'll see which one prevails.

God bless

Erik

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Positive: I'm working more. 

I've been working like 20-30 hours a week now. So that's kind of good. I'm always busy with work though, not much down time unfortunately. My supervisors on my case about my notes writing so that'll be a chore to figure out how to do better to her standards. Blah. Oh well I'll try. The job with Jam didn't give me a good feeling so I don't think I'll follow through with it. Li still hasn't gotten back to me. I wonder how the job will go with her supervising me if this is how long it takes her to execute on getting me the job. Idk maybe there's a reasonable explanation to why it's taking so long. I don't have time for proverbs and post today so I just posted.

I smiled at GQ

I accomplished eating greek yogurt no sugar oikos

I am grateful for my clients even though they're a handful sometimes. I appreciate the warmth of their company and I enjoy being with them sometimes. I love all my clients.

God bless

Erik

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Positive: I will have worked 27.45 hours this week assuming my sessions go well today. That I think is actually a record for me. So yay go me. It's still not 30+ hours but getting closer. We're playing hardball with a client and telling them to show up for sessions or we cancel services. He still hasn't gotten back to me as he rarely chooses to respond much to my chagrin. So we'll see what happens. I'm hoping he comes through and we do 3 sessions a week somehow. I might bring a chair over there if it can fit. Yeah, it's a hope for the best and plan for the worse kind of situation. I may end up losing this client altogether. 

My mom got a headache last night and it triggered my anxiety that she will die and leave me all alone here on earth. She's the only person I have in my life really. I don't talk to anyone else in person. If she died I'd sell the house, buy a smaller house, try to live cheaply and keep my progress going towards therapist licensure. It'd be kind of difficult to liquidate her business asset but maybe her real estate friend could help me out. It's good to have a plan for what you'll do if your anxieties come true. I hope she lives to 100 or so though. I don't like the idea of going on without my mom here at least until her time. 

I smiled at a painting

I accomplished getting up at 9

I am grateful for the good weather we're having. It's very nice outside and I've been hiking a couple times already. It's so nice to get out and go hiking without feeling like you're in a sauna. Just gotta bring bug repellent next time so no bites.

God bless

Erik

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Positive : It's my one day off yeaahhh yayyy

I only get Sundays off now. All the other days are work days. Blegh. I want to go hiking and get a beard trimmer from Costco today with my mom. I hope she comes home soon to do stuff with me. My current beard trimmer has been cutting me and making me bleed. So that's not good. I hope I'm able to manage the anxiety of working this job and like. Only getting one day off per week. If I didn't have all these meetings and junk to do I could work more. Hmm, maybe I can do the meetings on my phone while I'm driving and still get my work hours in. 

Well. I watched the badlands ep 1 and it caused me acne. Darn it. I've got to watch only a few minutes of new shows and test to see if they cause me face tension or not and then pull out. No watching full episodes of new shows right away. That was a bad idea. Acne from shows sucks.

I smiled at my suffering

I accomplished finishing the work week

I am grateful for oikos greek yogurt. It's zero sugar greek yogurt that still tastes kind of good because it has natural flavorings in it. Eating GY everyday is good for your gut bacteria health and helps with digestion. That's a good thing. I like eating GY everyday.

God bless

Erik

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1 hour ago, TheNewMe2.0 said:

Positive : It's my one day off yeaahhh yayyy

I only get Sundays off now. All the other days are work days. Blegh. I want to go hiking and get a beard trimmer from Costco today with my mom. I hope she comes home soon to do stuff with me. My current beard trimmer has been cutting me and making me bleed. So that's not good. I hope I'm able to manage the anxiety of working this job and like. Only getting one day off per week. If I didn't have all these meetings and junk to do I could work more. Hmm, maybe I can do the meetings on my phone while I'm driving and still get my work hours in. 

Well. I watched the badlands ep 1 and it caused me acne. Darn it. I've got to watch only a few minutes of new shows and test to see if they cause me face tension or not and then pull out. No watching full episodes of new shows right away. That was a bad idea. Acne from shows sucks.

I smiled at my suffering

I accomplished finishing the work week

I am grateful for oikos greek yogurt. It's zero sugar greek yogurt that still tastes kind of good because it has natural flavorings in it. Eating GY everyday is good for your gut bacteria health and helps with digestion. That's a good thing. I like eating GY everyday.

God bless

Erik

Is there a way to turn your notes from work and paperwork into something you can automate in excel or something? 

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@Bird By Bird Well your comment makes me not want to watch tv ever again. I will probably be able to cut down my tv time drastically once I get a job doing outpatient therapy instead of in home therapy. Then I'll just talk to people instead of watch tv with them. Don't want to Get a Netflix face now.

@BooksandTrees No the notes are very specific in how they're to be done. We have a eform to do and its got to be done through a certain website. But once I'm working outpatient I'll track my hours on a spreadsheet. And I'm sure do notes in a new form/site. 

@Icandothis Thank you. I am doing well at keeping going with my job and everything. I'll keep smiling at things. I even managed to wake up an hour early somehow today. Maybe because I Was playing with my med dosage a couple days earlier.

Positive: Li got back to me about my new job. 

Yes. My new job looks like it's going to happen just about for sure. Li said I'll have two options: working with her in private practice or working for a company she works at in corporate practice. I'm leaning toward private practice if the workload is there. Otherwise business practice it is. Either way I'm going to probably make 25% more money, finally get supervised hours towards licensure and get to work as an outpatient therapist. Plus it's just a more legitimate job that's like the job I'll actually be doing once I'm licensed. 

It's cold now that it's fall. But not so cold we have to run the heater just yet. I'm nice and warm and comfortable in my little couch spot here. After reading BIrd's comment I don't want to watch too much tv now. I'm sure I can spend a little more time going hiking, cooking and running errands. If not for my job I wouldn't watch that much tv. Although on my day off I watch like at least 2 hours of Netflix. Speaking of which. I'm testing Voltron and power rangers to see if I can safely watch them. I may have found two new shows to add to my collection. My clients are pretty chill about letting me watch from my list with them. They aren't fussy and demanding I Watch something else. Except one of them who doesn't really get it yet. Hopefully he will soon. I've got one client who may disappear from my roster. Which is okay as I'm probably leaving the job soon anyways. Ironically I'm finally up to about 30 hours a week now that I'm about leave (1 year 4 months in). 

I found one good hiking spot so far near my house. Hopefully I find more. I tried a new one yesterday and it was way too crowded for me to approve. 

I smiled at my water bottle

I accomplished getting through the night with a stomachache.

I am grateful for my mom who always cleans up after us everyday. Doing dishes, cleaning surfaces, cooking and restocking things. She's amazingly helpful and I'm really grateful for her. Oh and Li who saw fit to hire me to a new job that is better in so many ways and to supervise me when I had no LPC to supervise me for my licensure hours.

God bless

Erik

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