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TheNewMe2.0's Journal - A Better Life


TheNewMe2.0

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Day 246 NP 209 Np 200 Med 185 NF 85

Positive: still fasting and game free 

Hey. I'm glad to still be fasting. It's good I think. I'm definitely eating less food total per day. I'm still eating desert foods almost daily though. So that's the only area of my diet that could use some work. They taste so good though. Shoot. Gotta eat less. Do harm reduction. Staying game free is a struggle, but it's the good struggle. I think it's the right thing for me to do. Because once I play I would play endlessly with little to no regulation. Then my life would be all messed up and I'd be in bad shape. I still have thoughts of how I'd game and how I'd set it up. I can't really have perfect control of what I'm thinking. Even in the Bible one of the apostles says he can refrain from sex but he can't keep from thinking about it completely. I guess it's kind of the same thing. 

Life: I couldn't workout today. I went to lift the weight and just felt drained of all life force energy. Then I stopped trying. This happens every few weeks. It prevents me from making progress on my weight training pretty often. But I still keep trying. That's the best I can do is not give up and keep trying. I helped my mom setup some shelves today. It was 90 degrees in the garage while we were working. But it was okay. It feels good to be chilling here in the AC on the couch now. I love my couch. It's my most comfortable place aside form the bed.

I smiled at eggs

I accomplished setting up shelves

I am grateful for eggs, shelves, couch, bed, Walmart, Costco, turkey bacon, variety, YouTube, and cooking tutorials.

God bless

Erik

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Day 247 NP 210 Np 201 Med 186 NF 86

Positive: working to stave off thoughts of gaming.

I'm trying to focus on practicing mindfulness whenever I think about gaming. Hopefully my brain switches to meditating instead of fantasizing about gaming. I thought about playing and was like, that'd not be a good thing. So it's good my mentality is still the same. That gaming isn't a good idea for me. I saw the short documentary on the gamequitters channel. It featured twins who gamed and one of them quit with gamequitters. Watching it I felt like I wanted to live a life more like the twin that quit. The other one looked just more out of it and not as alive. Not a whole lot going on in my life right now. I'm on a new laxative so hopefully that'll help. I'm planning on trying to do 15 minutes of yoga like normal. My weight lifting didn't really happen for me yesterday which is also kind of normal unfortunately. Everything it even keel and normal. I almost crashed into a car yesterday and they freaked out honking at me and yelling from inside their car. It was not good. Now I'm kind of scared to drive again.

I smiled at life

I accomplished getting a free desk

I am grateful for life, desk, bible, red, floor, ceiling, speakers, lights, outdoors, and yoga.

God bless

Erik

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Day 248 NP 211 Np 202 Med 187 NF 87

Positive: I have a 3 year plan. 

So I did some math today. And by a somewhat conservative estimate. If things continue the way they're going now. I can pay off my debt and become a licensed therapist in three years. That's by the time I'm 35 as I'll be 32 in September. This brings me some peace to know that even though I'm about 7 years late to the game. Because I spent so much time just hiding out doing substances and playing games. I can get myself into good financial standing and make a good income by the time I'm 35. God willing I'll make it too. I've made a lot of mistakes. I haven't been exemplary in my life or career. But maybe it'll all turn out good enough regardless. Even in my job I'm not perfect. I hope to just be good enough at the end of the day. And it's helping me to have an attitude of being okay with it not being perfect. Bend some rules and just get the job done. I feel more momentum and grounded from thinking about my 3 year plan. Usually I just think about the day to day life. But feeling like I've got to last 3 years at my job and probably at my home. It makes me feel really peaceful knowing I'm going in a good direction. That I'll just move from point A to point B over three years and then find a new goal to pursue for the next 3 years or however long. Maybe to buy a house would be next. 

Life: Still struggling with thoughts of Diablo II. I was originally struggling with thoughts of LoL but they've been replaced. What this tells me is. Maybe my mind is moving through different games as it lets go of them one by one. I don't think about LoL anymore at all really. So maybe this will be a time when my mind fixates on D2 for a while and then it moves on. Hopefully it'll just move onto nothing. To life. Then I won't think about gaming much at all anymore. That'd be nice. I'm planning to watch some GQ videos on YT today. I like those videos. They keep me going. Now that I'm thinking in the three year scheme of things. I could probably eventually finish all the videos I want to watch of theirs. Which is most of them. 

I smiled at my mom

I accomplished unpacking 2 boxes

I am grateful for my mom, packing, unpacking, boxes, my new room, new house, coffee table, conch, remote and bible.

God bless

Erik

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I've always had a lot of respect for therapist and other types of professions who help other that have been through the mill themselves. There's no substitute for trying to understanding an addict like having been an addict yourself. My addiction counselor was able to perfectly empathize with my cravings. It really struck a chord knowing that he'd gone through mayhem too but was living proof you can both overcome that and then learn how to thrive and be a positive change in the world yourself. Keep it up, man! It's hard. And everything that's worth something is hard. It's supposed to be. Because for those willing to fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never know.

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4 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I've always had a lot of respect for therapist and other types of professions who help other that have been through the mill themselves. There's no substitute for trying to understanding an addict like having been an addict yourself. My addiction counselor was able to perfectly empathize with my cravings. It really struck a chord knowing that he'd gone through mayhem too but was living proof you can both overcome that and then learn how to thrive and be a positive change in the world yourself. Keep it up, man! It's hard. And everything that's worth something is hard. It's supposed to be. Because for those willing to fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never know.

Thank you. I could potentially be one of those therapists who has gone through addiction themselves with like three years clean someday. That's good to hear that your therapist is a helpful inspiration for you. I'd like to be like that someday. I guess I'm sort of like that now although none of my clients are trying to quit gaming. I think I am becoming a positive change in the world. Slowly, but it's happening. Thanks for your encouragement. It'll be worth the struggle to live a good life. 

Day 249 NP 212 Np 203 Med 188 NF 88

Positive: I went for a walk today.

I went for a walk today and it was hot. But not so hot that I couldn't do it. I still made some 3k steps. Which is maybe just under 2 miles. I'm still fasting till 1pm everyday. It makes eating at 1pm so much sweeter when I've fasted and I'm hungry. I've been eating less food per day as a result. I'm hoping to lose some weight too. I currently weight 184 lbs. So we'll see if my fasting helps. We're officially out of ice cream and my mom seems to be trying to stop too. So, the stage is set for some weight loss to happen. Just got to keep taking walks I suppose. Wearing a hat in the sun for some reason has been giving me a headache so I just go without one. I don't know it's weird.

Life: I helped my mom setup her desk this morning. It was really difficult to see her giant gaming mousepads. I flashed back to playing D2 and for a moment wished that I could play games in a healthy moderate way. But I accept that I can't. I understand that once I play games I play them all day non-stop to the detriment of my life and health. It's just a sad fact that with gaming I can not control myself. So my best option and the only healthy option is to quit entirely like I'm doing. I looked at my tv after and realized that I am able to watch Tv in a healthy, moderate way. I keep it under 2 hours a day usually. Some days none at all if I'm busy. So I guess that's like my consolation prize for quitting gaming or something. I'm allowed to watch tv. I'm actually rewatching Supergirl and it's really awesome. I like having a show to watch with a lot of seasons that I can just stream for months before having to find something else to watch. The process of finding new shows is uncomfortable for me. But I guess it's worth it. 

I smiled at the blue sky

I accomplished walking

I am grateful for the sky, walking, game quitting, being off games 8 months, this site, drawers, chest, stand, tv and rehab.

God bless

Erik

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Day 250 NP 213 Np 204 Med 189 NF 89

Positive: went for another walk today and trying to learn recipes online.

So that's good I went for another walk today. Maybe I'll get used to making walks on my non lifting days. I only go for 1-2 miles. But it's really hot outside which makes it difficult to do. I always see people playing sports. Basketball, football, soccer. It reminds me of when I used to play those sports. But now I've stopped. They all cause injuries so there's really no playing them sustainably for me. There was no way to play without getting at least bruises and scratches. So I figure my best option, like gaming, was to quit. I suppose I can still enjoy watching it though. Kind of sad. Just some guy watching people play sports but can't play himself. Oh well. Better than being injured constantly. I'm on YouTube trying to learn to cook from this channel called tasty. It's not all that great. But hopefully I can figure out just one recipe from their endless videos. 

Life: Gosh. One of the girls who is about to leave is super stressed out. It's because she didn't get to take as much time off as she wanted this summer as she was busy helping us move and do other endless tasks my mom has to do. Also she's going to college for her freshman year which I'm sure is stressful too. It's not easy to be around her. She just like is upset and complaining a lot of the time. I'm glad she spends most of her time in her room so I don't have to deal with her much. 

I smiled at chicken recipes.

I accomplished walking.

I am grateful for chicken, recipes, cooking tutorials, walking, pesto, pasta, ice cream, food, couch and decor.

God bless

Erik

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Day 251 NP 214 Np 205 Med 190 NF 90

Positive: 3 months nofap.

Oh geez. It's been a long three months, but I did it. Nofap for three months successfully done. This is about as far as I got on my last streak so I'll be soon overcoming my longest nofap streak God willing. I don't think about it most nights. But some nights I get aroused and think about it. For the most part though it's not too much of a bother to continue with nofap. Perhaps I'm somewhat used to it by now. Still it takes some discipline to not look at things that might be triggering or think about things that could be triggering. It's easy as long as you do everything right basically. 

Life: My housemate's leaving on the 12th so about 8 days left. Yay. Looking forward to that. I've gotten into YouTube cooking channels from her and also the Ted channel. I think once she leaves I'll make some new foods. I'll be okay. It's a little daunting to try to buy things from Walmart and see if they have certain groceries like, dry mustard. But I'll do the best I can and see how everything goes. I'm going to try to get used to buying vegetables at H Mart. They have a much larger selection of veggies than Walmart. I just have to learn how to cook asian stuff I think. Talking to my doctors about lowering my medications to deal with the constipation as it was triggered by a medication increase. I was suicidal before the increase so there's a lot of concern that I'll go back there once the meds lower. But I may try it anyways because it's really important I stop being so constipated.

I smiled at my housemate leaving

I accomplished emailing my doctors

I am grateful for meds, housemate, housemate leaving, doctors, delicious food I've gotten to eat, grass, dirt, soil, leaves, and bricks

God bless

Erik

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Day 252 NP 215 Np 206 Med 191 NF 91

Positive: getting a new stool softener

Sorry for the TMI. But, I'm looking to get a new stool softener. The last one caused me anxiety so I don't want to use that. This new one has a different active ingredient so hopefully it will not cause me any side effects and just do it's job. If it doesn't work then I'm kind of screwed. Constipated with no working laxative. Let's all hope it doesn't come to that. I've gained about 5 lbs since the start of this debacle. Now I'm at 185 and it seems to be going up. That's what happens when more goes in than out. 

Life: I have some cash on hand now which is nice. Still in debt quite a bit. But I'm planning to be debt free in three years. So I'll be 35 when I'm finally doing really well financially. That'll be nice. Hopefully I'm still alive and well by then. No more complications with medication. I forgot to take my meds last night so that's not going to be good dealing with the effects of missing a dose. My plan is to take the meds and Metamucil before dinner each night. So whenever dinner is ready go take the medicine and then eat. That way I won't forget it. 

I smiled at my mom

I accomplished getting up

I am grateful for my mom, getting up, Metamucil, stool softeners, tv, tv stand, documents, paperwork, journal and pencil.

God bless

Erik

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Day 253 NP 216 Np 207 Med 192 NF 92

Positive: getting more work hours.

My client came back from the hospital so I'm getting 6 more hours a week to work now. It's kind of like, eh. This client is difficult. He slapped my arm and glares at me all the time. It's not pleasant to be around. I'll try to get him to stop glaring today if he does it which he probably will. Bla. One more client and I'll be adding up 30 hour weeks towards my residency again. 13 weeks of 30 averaged in a row and I'll get health coverage and ability to earn hours towards licensure. I'll also have to make room for 2 more hours of supervision a week which will be a nuisance, but I'll do my best to work with it. The girls are supposed to show up about now and go to Costco with me. But they're nowhere to be found and I don't much feel like knocking on their doors right now. So I'm just going to keep posting to GQ. Yoga is going well. I did 25 minutes the other day. I think I might increase my timer from 15 to 20 if I keep regularly doing it. I do about 4 days of yoga per week and 3 days of weight lifting. I think it's going okay. I'm not looking forward to joining a gym because I know it's not going to be as nice as working out at home was. But I'll be able to workout my shoulders more if that's any consolation. Not really looking forward to work today. The hours and more money is nice but seeing this client is no picnic. I guess that's usually how it is in the beginning but I don't know if this ones going to improve or not. I'll bring some stuff to color with. He has a sort of anal grandma that watches the clock and makes sure I can't leave early without her giving me an earful. So I'm kind of stuck there for the duration of 3 hours. We'll see, maybe I can find a way to leave a little early without her realizing I'm leaving early.

I smiled at a plant

I accomplished making hash browns for breakfast.

I am grateful for my plant, hash browns, my client, more hours, more money, coloring books, coloring utensils, Costco, ice cream, food and spinach.

God bless

Erik

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Day 254 NP 217 Np 208 Med 193 NF 93

Positive: still got my mom

Life is really difficult right now. My client is a handful. He says and does a lot of mean things. I think he has sadistic and antisocial tendencies. He's also a compulsive liar. It's not fun to deal with and I've got to see him six hours a week. But at least I've still got my mom who is nice to me. And three days of the week I don't have to see him. So that's still good. I hope the new clients don't suck so bad. 

I smiled at turkey meatballs

I accomplished making food

I Am grateful for turkey meatlballs, food I make, goodwill, dollar tree, my laptop, book stand, bible, Moses, glass table and mom.

God bless

Erik

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Day 255 NP 218 Np 209 Med 194 NF 94

Positive: I have good food to eat

I like my breakfast sandwich even if it is repetitive. It's good and made with high quality ingredients from Costco and Walmart. I like the uncured turkey bacon more than the Oscar Meyer cured bacon. It just tastes less artificial. Today's my day off which is nice. I don't have to touch anything work related all day. It's so important to give myself as many breaks as I can get so I don't burnout. I feel more at ease just thinking about it. I saw a cool show yesterday called Roswell. It was about aliens among us and they fall in love with humans. It's pretty fun to watch.

Life: It's tough to stay positive right now. My new client has already worn me out. He's just always verbally or physically attacking me and it's too much for me to bear. I think I'm going to try to quit on the case on Monday (which they don't take kindly to and don't really let you quit on cases). So we'll see what happens, but I don't think I can handle dealing with this kid much longer at all. My toe is kind of messed up. It like stings and hurt when I put pressure on it while standing or doing a push up. It's like the nail is digging into the flesh or something. I dunno if anything can be done for me. 

I smiled at the semblance of peace I have left

I accomplished getting up

I am grateful for peace, getting up, sleep, rest, darkness, quiet, night time, stars, moons, and space.

God bless

Erik

 

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2 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Life: It's tough to stay positive right now. My new client has already worn me out. He's just always verbally or physically attacking me and it's too much for me to bear. I think I'm going to try to quit on the case on Monday (which they don't take kindly to and don't really let you quit on cases). So we'll see what happens, but I don't think I can handle dealing with this kid much longer at all. My toe is kind of messed up. It like stings and hurt when I put pressure on it while standing or doing a push up. It's like the nail is digging into the flesh or something. I dunno if anything can be done for me. 

I have no idea how you handle that. If a client attacked me I'd go insane on them and put the fear of death into them forever. You have a lot of patience. Stay strong and see what happens. Your managers have probably felt this way about clients in the past so they will have the proper advice for you. They might give you some techniques to handle the outbursts when they arise and see if the mood of the sessions change before allowing you to quit.

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@BooksandTrees Yeah we'll see what the supervisor says. I feel like she's just going to tell me to tough it out which I might not be willing to do. In which case I'll just refuse to show up to work with the client, which I've done before. She tells me to tell them 'you wouldn't want someone attacking you so don't do that to others.' But when I say that stuff the kid just says I don't care. It's fine. And continues attacking me. So her advice hasn't really worked. I am pretty patient and nice. But I have my limits. After I Get pushed too far I'll become negative and toxic just like the people I'm being attacked by. I think this kid is taking me too far past my limit to continue enduring. 

Day 256 NP 219 Np 210 Med 195 NF 95

Positive: Serena's leaving in three days.

Yay, my housemate's leaving. The day that I've counted down for months is finally here. It's going to be much quieter without her here as she's a loud person. I think the energy will be a lot better too. I feel like I'm breathing a sigh of relief as I see her go. I learned something that might be useful from her. I think the food network tutorials on YouTube I found thanks to her encouragement. So I might actually start cooking better food as a result of brushing by her. We're having a Chinese party today. My mom's inviting all her friends and acquaintances over. They'll talk in Chinese and say my mom's bad for not teaching me Chinese. Then I'll just ignore them, eat some food and watch tv. Either on my tv or on my laptop. It'll be so loud I won't be able to hear the TV but I could do earbuds with the tv actually. It might work. Roku has an app where you can listen to your tv audio through earbuds connected to your phone. So I might set that up. Still watching Roswell. It's kind of corny when the girl and Max make moon eyes at each other. But it's okay. The show's pretty interesting. They keep up a lot of mystery solving to keep you engaged. And there are apparently sex scenes which aren't too graphic.

Life: I applied too much acne cream and my skin is like cracking open from being too dry. I'll apply a lot less in the future. Trying out new shows is a pain. I get all uncomfortable if the show is a miss which most are. Still it's nice to find a new show I can watch, especially one with multiple seasons. Trying out Voltron and Shera today. I have a little morning routine that goes like: prayer, meditation, affirmations, child's pose, read bible, post on GQ, paper journal, write poetry, do a Japanese lesson. That takes around 1-2 hours or so. Then I can exercise although sometimes I exercise before reading bible. It's kind of difficult to keep doing. I'll feel like tired or like it's a lot to do. But, I keep trying. It's good for me to do something other than watch tv all day. Although finding a lot of shows I can watch on Netflix is highly beneficial to having something to watch with clients if they want to do that. Lately I've been doing more yoga on non lifting days. It's been really enjoyable. I'm getting deeper into a forward fold and it's pretty rewarding to see even small progress on my stretches and duration of practice. I shot hoops yesterday and it was so hot out that I got like overly fatigued and felt all drained for a day. My back also kind of hurts from just shooting around. These bones aren't what they used to be. Although my back always hurt when I played basketball. 

I smiled at feeling a bit better today

I accomplished drinking powerade

I am grateful for feeling better, Powerade, going for walks, practicing yoga, cookies, brownies, food at parties, roku, roku earbuds to tv app feature, and life.

God bless

Erik

 

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Day 257 NP 220 Np 211 Med 196 NF 96

Positive: people read my posts

I'm really grateful for everyone who reads my posts. I see @Phoenixking @Icandothis and @BooksandTrees liked my most recent posts. So a big thank you to you guys especially for reading my posts. It makes me feel not so alone to know someone's reading. I've been eating cheese bread for two days now, I'm feeling cheesy. We successfully had a party yesterday. I spent most of it watching tv, but came around to eat of course. I kind of got a stomach ache, I think form the sriracha and or the slightly undercooked chicken. That's okay though it wasn't too bad. SheeRa turned out to be decent. I dunno about any of the other shows I watched those might be a no go for me. I'm really not looking forward to working with my client this week. I've promised myself if things don't improve after this session I'll quit on the case no matter how difficult it is to quit due to my supervisors resistance. So we'll see how the next two sessions go. It would be nice to pick up the extra six hours a week. I could use the hours and money. 

Life: Today is the worst skin day I've had in months. It's been a long time since my acne got this bad. I don't really know what caused it. But I think it might be basketball. Something about sweating and standing around for a long time might be the cause. Unfortunately basketball is the main thing I do with my client so I don't want to cut that. 

I smiled at cheese bread

I accomplished sleeping 12 hours instead of 13. 

I am grateful for cheese bread, sleep, improvement, lowered medication, doctors, hardwood floor, yoga mat, water, girls and soy sauce.

God bless

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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Day 258 NP 221 Np 212 Med 197 NF 97

Positive: Serena's gone

So it's good and bad but Serena's gone now. The good is that the energy will be better for me to exist in. I'll be more at ease in a less crowded less noisy home. The bad is that I won't get to learn cooking from her and eat a home cooked meal every night. That's too bad. But it's okay I'll try to cook some. 

Life: my left toe is possibly infected. It's in pain whenever I put pressure on it. Sometimes just sitting there it throbs and hurts. The doctors are slowly getting back to me on what it might be. They seem kinda clueless. The main doctor is out so people are covering for him. Yeah, I think I'll need antibiotics or something asap because it's been getting worse. More painful and inflamed. 

I smiled at people leaving thank God

I accomplished doing the dishes now that S is gone I've got to pick up the slack

I am grateful for god, people leaving, dishes getting done, cleanliness, doctors fixing my toe, basketball, life, clients, money, and work hours.

God bless

Erik

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I've been watching your stuff for a while ^^ I don't always respond; sometimes I feel like I don't have anything to add. I'm happy to see my presence is helpful to you in some way 🙂 Also, that toe thing you mentioned? I had that a while back. It suddenly hurt like crazy and I couldn't put pressure on that toe. I had to get a pedicure to take a look at it and they pulled out a huge fragment of my toenail. I was so confused. Like, why didn't it start hurting sooner? It was half an inch in size! Now that same toe sometimes hurts and I have to dig in with some special tools I bought and some scissors or clippers. Maybe go see a pedicure or something? I'm a dude and I love mani-pedis. People look at me funny, but I'm in fucking heaven when I get my nails done. 10/10 would recommend. Also, it sucks that you have that kid fucking around with you. I hope you can get rid of him. You're clearly aware of where your lines in the sand lie, if he crosses those or you feel it's a negative thing, ditch it. Your mental health is more important than almost anything in life. Sure, you're supposed to be able to take a few punches here and there, you can even develop a chin for that. But there are limits. And from the sound of it, that kid is a real piece of work...

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@Phoenixking Thanks for your input. Maybe a pedi would help me. The doctors have ordered antibiotics for me and to soak my foot in warm water for 10-15 minutes a day. Yeah that kid is a handful. I'm doing my best to grin and bear working with him, but it's definitely challenging. Last session wasn't so bad. So maybe I can do it I suppose. It's definitely tempting to call it quits though. 

Day 259 NP 222 Np 213 Med 198 NF 98

Positive: went running.

So I went running today. Maybe just a half mile or so. But it was good that I gave it a try. I like running more than playing basketball. I'll try to get my client to go for a walk with me instead of basketball. Running just feels better overall. My feet don't work with most shoes. So I'm kinda stuck running in my skate shoes. Which means no cushion or support. But they're the only shoe that fits my awkward feet. So I guess I'll just keep trying with them. I've been shooting a basketball lately. It's kind of fruitless. I just shoot and shoot and don't see much improvement. I tried to look at YouTube for guidance but haven't seen much useful content for getting better at shooting. Oh well. Watching Last Dance with the Bulls on Netflix is fun. It's a good doc if anyone's interested about the bulls when they were on top of basketball.

Life: I shaved my head. I felt like my hair was getting sweaty and causing acne so I shaved it. I figure I could have just gotten it cut really short. That'd look more normal. Oh well. I can grow it to short length soon I suppose. I kind of like shaved head though. I think it's more comfortable than any other hairstyle. 

I smiled at myself

I accomplished running

I am grateful for myself, running, basketball, shaved head, shaving clippers, life, day in the life of Erik, my shirt, mom and bug repellent.

God bless

Erik

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@ceponatia Hats can be a cool look. I know what you mean with the greasy long hair. There are good and bad things about all lengths. I think I'm going to go with very short hair next. Long hair I think looks kind of cool, but then people might think you're a hippie. My mom wants me to have long hair, but I feel like I look too feminine with long hair. Also it's a lot more upkeep with cleaning the shedding and wetting it in the morning to put it into place.  

Day 260 NP 223 Np 214 Med 199 NF 99

Positive: I still have work to do

I have 25 hours of work to clock per week. Which is pretty good. Next week it'll be around 34 hours a week if all goes well. It's stressful and difficult to deal with work. But at least I have a job and make some money. So that's good. I'm moving towards supervision for residency so we'll see how that goes. Playing basketball seems to be giving me acne unfortunately. So I'm going to try to push my client to go for walks with me instead. Which I'm anticipating a lot of resistance to. He's not a very go with the flow kind of guy. Not accommodating at all just about what he wants and not working with others to find harmony. Blah. I'm kind of fatigued today. I don't know how my weight training session is going to go. But I'll give it a shot later on today after work. 

Life: Yeah the basketball acne sucks. I wish I could play without getting it. Maybe once my meds lower it'll allow me to play acne free. I doubt it though. I think bball is just something I'm cursed not to play.

I smiled at plants

I accomplished meditating

I am grateful for plants, meditation, money, job, things to do, rugs, moms errands, car, windshield, and god.

God bless

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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Day 261 NP 224 Np 215 Med 200 NF 100

Positive: Meditation at 200 and nofap at 100 days.

That's a pretty long time with both of those things respectively. I had to take an early phone call for work today but I got my meditation in right after so I wouldn't miss it. That's 200 days with at least 10 minutes of meditation each day. I'm doing 14 mins now in the mornings. Nofap is going well too. I enjoy not getting aroused more than getting aroused now. I really like just being calm and not aroused at all. It makes me happier. I mean if I were married then it would be fine. But for now it's not really a useful feeling as it doesn't get satisfied. 

Life: I shaved my head. I think I might've already talked about this. But yeah I felt like it was messing up my skin to have hair so I shaved it. It's kind of weird having a shaved head. People notice it. But it feels pretty nice, breezy. I'm seeing off a client today. It'll be our last session most likely. I'm sad to see him go because we had built a good bond. But it's okay. All good things come to an end. I'm glad we'll have this time to say goodbye. My supervisor told me to apply astringent before basketball if it's giving me acne to play. So I guess I'll give it a try although I'm dubious as to what the results will be. I went on Venmo today to set up payments for my therapy supervision. I told them I want to use PayPal, instead because I don't like how Venmo is like social media. So we'll see if we can make due with PayPal. 

I smiled at gamequitters, still quitting games as I approach 9 months.

I accomplished finishing my on paper work week.

I am grateful for my old client who is leaving, gq, paperwork getting done, my clean skin, walking, sunshine, good weather, bicycles, my new rug, and Jesus.

God bless

Erik

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Day 262 NP 225 Np 216 Med 201 NF 101

Positive: We got groceries

Yeah we went to Costco and Walmart and got all the groceries we needed. I got whole wheat bread from Walmart because Costco didn't have any. We got some 1% milk because my mom probably doesn't know to get the 2%. But I don't mind less fat will be fine with me. We have a bunch of brownies lingering in the fridge. It's difficult to not eat them. Because I feel like I want to help get rid of them already. We accidentally bought too many avocados. I'm talking about grocery shopping because honestly I'm just trying to say something that's positive in my life and that's fine. Groceries it is. I noticed I'm getting slightly more like my mom. I dunno if that's a positive, but maybe it is. I started saying 'grin and bear it' like she does. And 'you win some you lose some.' It's mom-isms.

Life: I have been super tired lately because of basketball. I only played like a couple times in a week and suddenly I feel like I can't do anything but sit and watch tv. It's okay for now, but I want to get up off this couch and lift weights and do yoga like I usually do. So I'm avoiding basketball as much as possible now. 1 because it causes me acne and 2 because it causes me extreme fatigue. So yeah I'm going to chill until I feel like I have energy to lift again. I'm missing two lifting days this week. Something that hasn't happened in like many months. Bah humbug. 

I smiled at scrooge mcduck

I accomplished posting

I am grateful for scrooge, posting, funny stuff, all American the show, vampire diaries, book stand best, whole wheat bread, Costco, Walmart, and moms

God bless

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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Day 263 NP 226 Np 217 Med 202 NF 102

Positive: Cathy's leaving soon.

Soon Cathy will leave. Next Friday actually. Then it'll be quiet at home. No disturbances. I don't like Cathy very much really. I always feel tense around her. Not good energy. So I'll be looking forward to her leaving. And the natural energy balance will have been restored to Erik's home. Like I said I've been pretty low energy and just eating and watching tv. I guess it's alright for now. But I'm going to get back into exercising. Maybe I can get it done in the morning before I eat. But I've been just eating right away, sitting down to post here and then going in for tv. Blah. Gotta get some exercise in before tv. Otherwise it won't get done. Sadly I have to stop watching All American because it was causing me anxiety and acne. Cries. Life is tough for me sometimes. I can watch so few shows. Well, Roswell and vampire diaries are up. Hopefully they workout.

Life: I might get a bike like a new one for 500$ from a bike shop. It's because I have nothing to do with my client and he likes biking around. So I figure if I got a bike and brought it to session. We could ride bikes all the time and it'd be good. Get some exercise, use up the time. Yep. Biking might be one solution to the work paradigm. I'm gonna try to get my 15 mins of yoga in today. Feeling slightly less tired than yesterday. I've been laying in bed for like 14 hours though. Screw basketball. It totally killed my energy levels for like a whole week. 

I smiled at some ceramic pots we have

I accomplished making breakfast Wirth my turkey bacon 70% less fat than bacon

I am grateful for ceramic pots, breakfast, turkey bacon, less fat, tv, yoga, my house, my neighborhood, Cathy leaving and my tv stand.

God bless

Erik

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Day 264 NP 227 Np 218 Med 203 NF 103

Positive: I made a good breakfast and I'm lowering my meds.

Breakfast was good. We have a lot of avocado to go through so I guess I can get used to eating avocado with my breakfast sandwiches. Lowering my meds is a good thing. I'll be having more energy and needing less sleep God willing. I'm pretty full with the additional avocado now though. I'm already thinking about eating my ice cream for the day. I'll see if I can put it off till after lunch. I managed to do 20 mins of yoga yesterday as planned. I didn't find time to practice Japanese though because it was too noisy. I'm on antibiotics for my toe pain. Hopefully it clears that up for me as we thought it might be an infection. 

Life: TV shows have been a huge bust for me lately. It's like I can't find anything to watch that doesn't cause me insomnia or acne. Watching the shows just causes me these symptoms and I don't think there's anything I can do about it. It sucks because it's so difficult to find something to watch with other people. And other people are like, "Why can't you just watch something that I want to watch with you?" They don't really understand how it causes me these issues. I didn't sleep well last night because I was trying out a show. I'll try out new shows today though. I'll keep trying till I find one then I'll watch it. I thought a bit about D2 today. I think because show watching is so hard it makes me feel like gaming would be easier to do. But I gotta keep the faith and not game. Find something else to do. Ugh I'm so limited. I'll try to hike.

I smiled at my determination

I accomplished taking meds.

I am grateful for my determination, meds, lowering meds, GQ, faith, the few things I can do, the few shows I can watch, my working hands and body, my home gym and the view from my couch.

God bless

Erik

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Day 265 NP 228 Np 219 Med 204 NF 104

Positive: I figured out how to test shows without them causing me insomnia or acne much.

So, I figured out that all I have to do is watch just one or two episodes of a show to test it. If I watch a lot like 5 episodes then I can get insomnia the whole night. If it's just a couple episodes then if it doesn't workout (which most don't) then it won't cause me much insomnia or acne. I'll be okay. So here's to testing another 100 shows. May they all be winners. I'd really like to switch into VRV and leave Netflix behind. But, my client has Netflix and I want to find shows we can watch together. So I guess I'll stick with Netflix for the work. So far there are . . . maybe 7 shows I can watch? I'll have to count them all.

I smiled at my slippers

I accomplished finding a way to do harm reduction with show testing

I am grateful for show testing, new shows, slippers, harm reduction, shows I can watch, clients, money, job, backpack and water bottle.

God bless

Erik

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Day 267 NP 229 Np 220 Med 205 NF 105

Positive: 3 days away from 9 months

Well. Say what you will about me. At least I keep off the games. Nine months is coming up. I don't live a perfect life. But I live one I think is good enough. I'm grateful to have made it this far and hope to continue going on game quitting.

I've been writing haiku's lately. It's been okay. I just got tired of writing in paragraph form. It felt like I was just journaling not writing poems. Even if it was good journaling. So I suppose I feel more like it's poetry with the haiku format. I guess I could show my mom my poems. It's kind of awkward having people know what you think about and write about. But there isn't anything too suspect in there. I totally forgot about my meeting on Thursday and my coworkers reminded me. That's not good. I'll try to keep all my meetings for the week on my phone alarms so I don't miss them.

I smiled at opportunity

I accomplished fire training safety

I am grateful for opportunity to find new shows, food, mom, haiku, fire training, staying game free, cookies, ice cream, slippers, and lamps.

God bless

Erik

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