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TheNewMe2.0's Journal - A Better Life


TheNewMe2.0

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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

@BooksandTrees I looked into joining a poetry reddit. It looks possible. But it doesn't look like you'd know immediately who are girls/guys. I guess it'd still be possible to meet someone on reddit. I know you did it through a discord, it just seems unlikely to do it thru reddit. I'm joining a poetry meetup though so that'll be like on a zoom meeting for now.

Right, but read what you just wrote. That tells me you'd be looking for women only and trying to talk to them. I suggested you build a community and new network. It's more important to become friends with men than it is with women right now because I think you are only looking for potential girlfriends and I think you need true friendship right now based on the fact you have only your mom and this random girl you only talk to over the internet that I'm guessing you have hidden feelings for and that's why you're annoyed she dates idiot guys. 

I think you just need normal friendship right now and this can come from anywhere. You can tell a woman apart from her style of writing and username as well. I'm not trying to be rude towards women by saying you need Male friends right now either. Women make great friends, but I think in your situation you'd be more interested in dating them than being friends. 

This is bad because if you do date a woman and have a small social network then she's going to take over your whole life. Look at how upset you get with this friend of yours and your mom if something goes wrong. Build a network of friends for yourself over the next few years. I just think you're trapping yourself. If you date a manipulative woman she's going to see what I'm saying and try to take advantage of you. Same goes with manipulative friends who will use you to benefit themselves and guilt you into doing things for them. 

You should take the same approach @Ikar did. He had nothing after he and his girlfriend broke up. He spent the past 1.5 years finding friends, finding hobbies, moving out of his house, becoming accountable, and moving on. Does he have a girlfriend right now? No. Does he have friends he works out with, plays music with, goes to school with, works with, and does hobbies with? Yes. He's a model of success all gamer addicts should strive to replicate. I did the same thing 8 years ago. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

It's more important to become friends with men than it is with women right now because I think you are only looking for potential girlfriends and I think you need true friendship right now based on the fact you have only your mom and this random girl you only talk to over the internet that I'm guessing you have hidden feelings for and that's why you're annoyed she dates idiot guys. 

100%. Guys just make for more stable friends, just because there's no sexual tension. Getting to know people to know who to care about is crucial and if you know next to none, then you'll do with whomever is at hand. This "village/closed community" mindset is not necessarily bad by default, but I think one misses out on a lot of life if they just decide to stay where they've been since they were born. 

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Women make great friends, but I think in your situation you'd be more interested in dating them than being friends. This is bad because if you do date a woman and have a small social network then she's going to take over your whole life.

100%. Happened to me and I do not want to go back. Women don't want men who are useless without them.

2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

You should take the same approach @Ikar did. He had nothing after he and his girlfriend broke up. He spent the past 1.5 years finding friends, finding hobbies, moving out of his house, becoming accountable, and moving on. Does he have a girlfriend right now? No. Does he have friends he works out with, plays music with, goes to school with, works with, and does hobbies with? Yes. He's a model of success all gamer addicts should strive to replicate. I did the same thing 8 years ago. 

It's only 1 year and 2 months, but you are right on the money. I had my gaming addiction and no income (but savings to get me through for a year or two). I just managed to get through the first semester at the university.

I spent three months sorting myself out. I didn't see a lot of people during this period either, but I was thinking about the habits and values I wanted to get into my life. I started small, just by doing household chores while parents were out, teaching a few hours of English, marking down what I did during the day in Excel, reading, taking walks etc.

Afterwards, I went to Iceland to find a job, because I wanted to go somewhere during the summer. I think it was a promise I made to my X and I decided to honor it. Another two and a half months gone by and I made good money.

I returned home and another three months have gone by. I started feeling too isolated being in the suburbs with my parents and not knowing anyone outside university and English classes, both of which were held once a week.

So six months ago, I moved to the university dorms, started talking to people (both guys and girls alike) and going to events that interested me. I know the good things are coming my way now, because I keep putting in the effort to work on myself.

Thanks for reminding me of that @BooksandTrees . You're doing a stellar job as well; searching for a girlfriend, exploring hobbies, getting even with your family and other things 🙂

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@BooksandTrees Are you saying it's better I don't be friends with that girl because I have hidden feelings for her? Sure making guy friends might be a better idea. It makes sense to build a supportive network of people to help me keep my stuff together. Guys would be more reliable because there's no romantic component causing distress. I dunno about reddit. I'll give it a try. I'll see about making guy friends. It does sound like a good idea. I get what you're saying. Trying for girls can easily result in my life getting messed up because there's no social balance. Especially if they're looking to hurt me.

Day 211 NP 174 Np 165 Med 150 NF 50

Positive post: I finished 3 below, am prioritizing journaling/poetry and adapted to roku.

Finishing 3 below was good and of course bittersweet because it was a good series. It was nice watching it with my client. I like that the show highlighted kindness and togetherness within a family unit. I know a lot of us didn't have that experience including myself at times. But, it was still nice to see a brother and sister getting along. Loving and valuing their parents etc. Lot of action in that one. And the aliens are hot. I think there's something about aliens that's attractive to us for some reason. There's no shortage of hot alien girls on tv. Haha. I'm doing journaling and poetry before I watch any personal tv in the day to ensure I get it done. Between that, exercise, food and helping my mom do errands I can get through a whole day sometimes with little to no personal tv. Which is nice. I feel a lot more human when I watch less tv. I feel more like I'm a character on a show when I watch a lot of tv. I'm kind of used to the roku now. It has ads which suck and it doesn't seem like you can disable them. It's okay though they aren't too intrusive or plentiful thankfully. It streams my shows in much better HD than plugging my laptop into the tv did. So that's nice. I was marveling at how good AOT looked. I'm almost through season two. It's a good show. I like how realistically the army vs titan battles are depicted. It makes me feel like I'm witnessing a historical epic of soldiers war against the titans.

I smiled at myself

I accomplished finishing work for the week

I am grateful for my clients when they show up, my clients, my work, grass, the fence, handrails, windows, gladdest sliding doors, blue hats and my moms hair salon.

God bless

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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26 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Are you saying it's better I don't be friends with that girl because I have hidden feelings for her?

Yes. She knows you have feelings for her and uses you for emotional support when she gets treated badly by other men. She's taking advantage of you and doesn't listen to your advice anyways. She only talks to you when she's lonely and doesn't treat you well because you don't know each other in real life so there's no responsibility on her end. She doesn't have to try. She can just complain to you and then walk away without caring. 

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@BooksandTrees Thanks. I stopped talking to long distance girl. I blocked her on three fronts because whenever I try to break contact with her she relentlessly texts me until I lose my resolve and go back to her. Hopefully this time she won't be able to contact me anymore. I dunno if I'll actually ask gym girl out. I'm weary of girls since my last girlfriend wasn't so good to me. But if I do ask her I'll try to be okay with it if she says yes or no.

Day 212 NP 175 Np 166 Med 151 NF 51

Positive post: I'm alive, I'm well fed and enjoyed dragon festival yesterday.

Even with all the trials, the ups and downs of life. I'm glad to be alive. It's nice to live a free life. Where I can choose what I want to do with my time. Enjoy sitting on the couch without any bodily pain. I'm glad I'm not in pain. I did have chronic back pain for a while until I started working it out more. Sure my back's still sensitive, but it's miles better than it was. I'm really well fed lately. The girls are always cooking so I almost always get a home cooked Chinese dinner every night. It's a nice perk of them being around. We celebrated dragon festival yesterday with a whole roast duck. It was really good. I ate some ice cream too which is like sugar which is not so good. But, it was still a nice night and I don't plan to eat sugar regularly if I can help it. That duck was good. I'm still helping mom move things. Our house has gotten more empty. My room now only has a bed night stand and chair in it. I'll move the chair into the garage today probably too. Even though I have my concerns about moving to a new place. I'm really looking forward to it. It's exciting to go to a new nicer place. There is a better trail to go walking/running by the house and it's in a quieter neighborhood. It's closer to my workplace too so that's nice. I can go to work meetings easier and use their copier to print things out. 

Life: Whenever I watch TV. The next day I wake up with a feeling like I want to keep watching. Then I resist giving into the feeling and do other things for most of the day. I suppose it isn't all that unpleasant. But sometimes I lose my resolve and just watch a bunch of tv. Still I don't think even this is all that bad. At least I'm not gaming or doing substances anymore. And I still keep up with doing other things like poetry and journaling. I've been doing some Japanese lessons on the Mango app. It's been good and I like the app. It makes me want to learn Chinese too because I'm around it so often with my mom bringing me along to her Chinese gatherings. I suppose I'll keep on with the Japanese though. Hidoi ame des ne : it's raining heavily, isn't it?

I smiled at the morning

I accomplished eating waffles

I am grateful for the morning, waffles, Japanese, mango app, the library, people, god, life, hardwood floors, and yoga.

God bless

Erik

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58 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

@BooksandTrees Thanks. I stopped talking to long distance girl. I blocked her on three fronts because whenever I try to break contact with her she relentlessly texts me until I lose my resolve and go back to her. Hopefully this time she won't be able to contact me anymore. I dunno if I'll actually ask gym girl out. I'm weary of girls since my last girlfriend wasn't so good to me. But if I do ask her I'll try to be okay with it if she says yes or no.

Day 212 NP 175 Np 166 Med 151 NF 51

Positive post: I'm alive, I'm well fed and enjoyed dragon festival yesterday.

Even with all the trials, the ups and downs of life. I'm glad to be alive. It's nice to live a free life. Where I can choose what I want to do with my time. Enjoy sitting on the couch without any bodily pain. I'm glad I'm not in pain. I did have chronic back pain for a while until I started working it out more. Sure my back's still sensitive, but it's miles better than it was. I'm really well fed lately. The girls are always cooking so I almost always get a home cooked Chinese dinner every night. It's a nice perk of them being around. We celebrated dragon festival yesterday with a whole roast duck. It was really good. I ate some ice cream too which is like sugar which is not so good. But, it was still a nice night and I don't plan to eat sugar regularly if I can help it. That duck was good. I'm still helping mom move things. Our house has gotten more empty. My room now only has a bed night stand and chair in it. I'll move the chair into the garage today probably too. Even though I have my concerns about moving to a new place. I'm really looking forward to it. It's exciting to go to a new nicer place. There is a better trail to go walking/running by the house and it's in a quieter neighborhood. It's closer to my workplace too so that's nice. I can go to work meetings easier and use their copier to print things out. 

Life: Whenever I watch TV. The next day I wake up with a feeling like I want to keep watching. Then I resist giving into the feeling and do other things for most of the day. I suppose it isn't all that unpleasant. But sometimes I lose my resolve and just watch a bunch of tv. Still I don't think even this is all that bad. At least I'm not gaming or doing substances anymore. And I still keep up with doing other things like poetry and journaling. I've been doing some Japanese lessons on the Mango app. It's been good and I like the app. It makes me want to learn Chinese too because I'm around it so often with my mom bringing me along to her Chinese gatherings. I suppose I'll keep on with the Japanese though. Hidoi ame des ne : it's raining heavily, isn't it?

I smiled at the morning

I accomplished eating waffles

I am grateful for the morning, waffles, Japanese, mango app, the library, people, god, life, hardwood floors, and yoga.

God bless

Erik

Sounds like you're dealing with those roommates better. Did you guys just up and buy a new home? 

I believe that girl is toxic based on the fact you tried to leave multiple times. She'll somehow contact you from another email or something. Trust me. I've had stalkers before. It's scary. Just be calm and keep blocking and do not engage if she does. 

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@BooksandTrees Yeah that's the plan. I'll do my best to follow it. I guess I'm doing better with the roommates. My mom found a good deal and pounced on it. So she did just buy a new home suddenly. We're moving August 1st. I can't wait to be moved in. Having to clear out the house for viewing while we live in it is a chore. I look forward to being moved in. 

Day 213 NP 176 Np 167 Med 152 NF 52

Positive post: I have a gym membership. It's nice to have especially in the summer when it's too hot to go for walks. I'm still trying to find a way to get comfortable walking on a treadmill for 40 minutes. I think I'm going to try listening to podcasts or audiobooks. I don't like watching the tv they have there because sitting through ads sucks and I don't have as much control over what I watch as with streaming. Still I wonder if I'll actually be able to stay on the thing for 40 minutes like I easily do when I go for walks outside. Perhaps outside walking is just more entertaining. Getting to walk in an ac'd building is nice though. It's close to 90 degrees some days. 

Life: my mom was mean to me because I was pondering selling and rebuying fitness equipment. Which in her defense is probably not a good idea. Still I felt like she was too mean to me about it so I've been off kilter for a day. I wish her being mean didn't affect me like this. I wish it would just roll off my shoulders. I've always had a problem with people being mean to me messing up my mood to a large extent. She's not going to change. She even said, 'you're too sensitive I wasn't mad'. All I can do is endure this. There's nothing else I can do. 

I smiled at GQ

I accomplished eating breakfast

I am grateful for food, bean burritos, brown rice, cheese, vitamins, water, Metamucil, thermos, my laptop table and my laptop.

God bless

Erik

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Day 214 NP 177 Np 168 Med 153 NF 53

Positive: I'm drinking water, I'm meditating and I'm in the process of getting a new house.

Hydration is good. I lost my water bottle, so I hope that turns up soon because it messed up my hydration to not have my 40 oz with me at all times. Meditating is going well. I've switch from vipassana and reiki to just vipassana. So that means I'll be getting twice as much Vipassana as I was before. Maybe I'll be more chilled out as a result. That'd be nice. It might be a struggle to deal with all the challenges that selling your house brings up. But, it's nice to know that I'm on my way to a nice new home. I hope we get a big tv. Although I wonder if that'll cause more eye strain. I hope my room is nice and has it's own bathroom. I hope after my housemates move out we don't get new ones. 

Life: Life is good. I wrote a couple poems yesterday about nice things that I like. It was a nice change from just talking about the struggles of life like I often do. It made me feel happy to focus on writing about good things. 

I smiled at my poem

I accomplished writing two poems

I am grateful for my poems, poetry, writing, pads, mechanical pencils, pillows, fur, yellow couches, remotes and tv's.

God bless

Erik

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@chiliflavor Heck yeah. I want surround sound too.

@BooksandTrees I hear that. I chugged my water cup right after I read your post. My mood probably suffers too although I haven't really payed attention to it.

Day 215 NP 178 Np 169 Med 154 NF 54

Positive: hung out with mom, comfy on couch and love my houseplants.

I hung out with my mom yesterday. We just packed things, went to Home Depot and watched Ali Wong standup. She said thanks for the nice day afterwards. I'm glad we got to have a good one. Ali Wong's pretty funny. I'm always unsure if I'll be able to find anything for us to watch, but we end up finding something. My desk was sold for the move so I can only spend time on the couch where I'm writing this now. I'm pretty comfortable here. It's not so bad doing all my stuff on the couch. I just don't feel comfortable in desk chairs too. I much prefer the giant cushions. My houseplants are nice to look at. Their big dark green leaves. The orchid flowers. Something feels good about having them around and seeing the sunlight glow on them. 

Life: My sleep time has improved. I went from 13 to 12.25 hours a night. My hope is to be at 11 hours a night. I'd consider that 'normal'. As normal is thought to be between 4-11 hours if I'm not mistaken. Maybe it was 6-11? I just want to live as normal of a life as possible. I don't want to be hindered by my disorder. I'll be doing my best to take it easy at the gym today as my shoulder still bugs me. Unfortunately that means not going up weight on chest press. But at least I'm still getting to work out. I'm not completely out of commission. 

I smiled at the sunlight streaming in through my living room window.

I accomplished making cream cheese bread.

I am grateful for my housemates, the food they cook, the cleaning they do, the sun, warm weather, clear skies, rain, my state, my city and my new city.

God bless

Erik

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50 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

I'll be doing my best to take it easy at the gym today as my shoulder still bugs me. Unfortunately that means not going up weight on chest press. But at least I'm still getting to work out. I'm not completely out of commission. 

Have you thought of doing plain old push-ups? I'm not a fan of lifting weights, as long as I can exercise well enough with my own body.

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2 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

@chiliflavor Heck yeah. I want surround sound too.

@BooksandTrees I hear that. I chugged my water cup right after I read your post. My mood probably suffers too although I haven't really payed attention to it.

Day 215 NP 178 Np 169 Med 154 NF 54

Positive: hung out with mom, comfy on couch and love my houseplants.

I hung out with my mom yesterday. We just packed things, went to Home Depot and watched Ali Wong standup. She said thanks for the nice day afterwards. I'm glad we got to have a good one. Ali Wong's pretty funny. I'm always unsure if I'll be able to find anything for us to watch, but we end up finding something. My desk was sold for the move so I can only spend time on the couch where I'm writing this now. I'm pretty comfortable here. It's not so bad doing all my stuff on the couch. I just don't feel comfortable in desk chairs too. I much prefer the giant cushions. My houseplants are nice to look at. Their big dark green leaves. The orchid flowers. Something feels good about having them around and seeing the sunlight glow on them. 

Life: My sleep time has improved. I went from 13 to 12.25 hours a night. My hope is to be at 11 hours a night. I'd consider that 'normal'. As normal is thought to be between 4-11 hours if I'm not mistaken. Maybe it was 6-11? I just want to live as normal of a life as possible. I don't want to be hindered by my disorder. I'll be doing my best to take it easy at the gym today as my shoulder still bugs me. Unfortunately that means not going up weight on chest press. But at least I'm still getting to work out. I'm not completely out of commission. 

I smiled at the sunlight streaming in through my living room window.

I accomplished making cream cheese bread.

I am grateful for my housemates, the food they cook, the cleaning they do, the sun, warm weather, clear skies, rain, my state, my city and my new city.

God bless

Erik

It's a huge plus that you get your sleep improved and I think you'll see a major improvement going forward. Have you considered speaking to your doctor about a diet to boost energy as well? Not sure if that'd help. 

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23 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

It's a huge plus that you get your sleep improved and I think you'll see a major improvement going forward. Have you considered speaking to your doctor about a diet to boost energy as well? Not sure if that'd help. 

thanks for your support. Unfortunately the sleep went back to 13 hours today. I don't really want to try a diet change. I feel like my diet's pretty good already. I'm talking to my psych today. All he's going to say is keep taking risperdal having to sleep 13 hours is fine. . . It's frustrating. Having to sleep that much to just function. I'm not even well rested really because the sleep isn't always great quality. I'm stuck here for now. I don't think geodon will work. It didn't feel good when I tried it. 

Day 216 NP 179 Np 170 Med 155 NF 55

Positive: I get to stay in the garage, I got to eat brownies and I'm back to work.

During house showings I'm getting to stay in the garage instead of having to leave the house which is sort of chill. It's much nicer not having to go a far away distance and then I get to come back to inhabit my home asap. I'm in here with my two housemates though which of course isn't ideal. I've gotten used to having a good distance between us with them in the kitchen and me on the couch. This close proximity is new to me and thus slightly anxiety provoking. I could watch tv in here to pass the time, but for now I'm doing my best to just post to the forums. I'm still trying to get through exercise, journaling, poetry, and reading before I allow myself to watch tv. On days where I work this sometimes means no tv time for me. Which I'm fine with. After all I watch tv at work anyways. It's just not the stuff I choose to watch for my personal entertainment. Still some of it's pretty good. 3 Below and Trollhunters were cool. Konosuba is alright. Of course I don't like how Konosuba is sort of like watching a video game with all the quests and skill points. But I enjoy the anime/show aspects of it. Like the characters are cool. They're all funny. It's a little hard to stomach the kinkiness of the show as it might be a trigger for masturbating. But, I'm doing okay with it so far so hopefully that continues just fine. It's only a 12 episode series anyways. I wonder if I'm getting better at watching shows and just like bearing with the discomforts of it at times. 

My housemate made brownies. She's always cooking. They were good. Yum. Of course the sugar isn't good for you but . . . whatever at least I don't eat it that often. And once she's gone probably not at all. August is slowly approaching. Four weeks to a new house. Let's go. I'm back to work today. I've got to leave to see a client in 15 minutes. So that's cool we're hanging out in person now. I mean it's definitely not 'safe' for corona virus purposes. But my employer decided it was safe enough to send us into the houses to work with them. So, away I go. Time to hang in person.

I smiled at brownies

I accomplished waking up

I am grateful for brownies, the morning, my bed, pillow, sheets, blanket, waking up, the night time, sleep that I do get, and todays client.

God bless

Erik

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I am praying for you. You are doing so well.  
 

I agree you should eat healthy but also enjoy foods sometimes. I say eat the brownies!!!!  
 

I am so sorry about your sleep. Sleep disturbances are just the worst and end up messing up your day. I will pray Proverbs 3:24 over you. That when you lay down your sleep with be pleasant.

 

I am happy about your new house. That must be very exciting and something to look forward to.

 

I am wishing you peace, calm, serenity, love and joy. You are so loved. Talk soon.

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18 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

thanks for your support. Unfortunately the sleep went back to 13 hours today. I don't really want to try a diet change. I feel like my diet's pretty good already. I'm talking to my psych today. All he's going to say is keep taking risperdal having to sleep 13 hours is fine. . . It's frustrating. Having to sleep that much to just function. I'm not even well rested really because the sleep isn't always great quality. I'm stuck here for now. I don't think geodon will work. It didn't feel good when I tried it. 

Day 216 NP 179 Np 170 Med 155 NF 55

Positive: I get to stay in the garage, I got to eat brownies and I'm back to work.

During house showings I'm getting to stay in the garage instead of having to leave the house which is sort of chill. It's much nicer not having to go a far away distance and then I get to come back to inhabit my home asap. I'm in here with my two housemates though which of course isn't ideal. I've gotten used to having a good distance between us with them in the kitchen and me on the couch. This close proximity is new to me and thus slightly anxiety provoking. I could watch tv in here to pass the time, but for now I'm doing my best to just post to the forums. I'm still trying to get through exercise, journaling, poetry, and reading before I allow myself to watch tv. On days where I work this sometimes means no tv time for me. Which I'm fine with. After all I watch tv at work anyways. It's just not the stuff I choose to watch for my personal entertainment. Still some of it's pretty good. 3 Below and Trollhunters were cool. Konosuba is alright. Of course I don't like how Konosuba is sort of like watching a video game with all the quests and skill points. But I enjoy the anime/show aspects of it. Like the characters are cool. They're all funny. It's a little hard to stomach the kinkiness of the show as it might be a trigger for masturbating. But, I'm doing okay with it so far so hopefully that continues just fine. It's only a 12 episode series anyways. I wonder if I'm getting better at watching shows and just like bearing with the discomforts of it at times. 

My housemate made brownies. She's always cooking. They were good. Yum. Of course the sugar isn't good for you but . . . whatever at least I don't eat it that often. And once she's gone probably not at all. August is slowly approaching. Four weeks to a new house. Let's go. I'm back to work today. I've got to leave to see a client in 15 minutes. So that's cool we're hanging out in person now. I mean it's definitely not 'safe' for corona virus purposes. But my employer decided it was safe enough to send us into the houses to work with them. So, away I go. Time to hang in person.

I smiled at brownies

I accomplished waking up

I am grateful for brownies, the morning, my bed, pillow, sheets, blanket, waking up, the night time, sleep that I do get, and todays client.

God bless

Erik

Hi Erik, just curious what the indication for the risperidone is? And the dose?
In addition to sedation the most common side effect is increased appetite (especially for carbs like brownies).

If you are taking risperidone for sleep, there are safer options out there. If you are taking it for a serious mental illness, then of course listen to your doctor. Risperidone is also used in other conditions too, but if it is bombing you out, you can always adjust the dose or the timing of the dose so you don't sleep so much.

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@Icandothis Thank you so much. I feel better just reading what you wrote to me. I'm kind of accepting that I have to sleep 13 hours a day. I don't think there are much other options. I hope we sell our house soon so I don't have to keep preparing it for showings. I look forward to moving. It'll be a relief to get all the transitioning done. And our new place does look nicer and quieter. And we'll be that much closer to not having housemates possibly.

@CG EYE I have schizoaffective disorder. I'm taking 4 pills a day. Idk what the dose is. They don't want to lower my dose because I was having issues. I don't know if changing the timing will make the sleep change. I can bring it up. 

Day 217 NP 180 Np 171 Med 156 NF 56

Positive: I'm here for another day, My shirts kinda comfy and I'm keeping my TV setup.

It's nice to be on earth and alive for another day. I enjoy sitting here doing my morning routine of reading and writing. I got this shirt for 2.50 and it's pretty comfy. So that's good. We're not getting a fancy tv and couch setup which is too bad. But, it's nice to have the security of knowing my setup is not going anywhere. We almost sold the couch. I've really gotten my personal tv time (ptvt) down a lot. I sit around and help my mom pack sometimes. I'm working to workout at home now. I can save 90$ a month on my gym membership if I do. I push myself to wake up earlier than 13 hours of sleep and end up feeling super tired. I've got to just stay with the 13. It's my best option even if it could be better. 

Life: Seeing my client in person was tough. He kept staring at me while I watched tv because he wanted me to react more to what we were watching. It's been like this and uncomfortable for months. I finally asked him to stop doing that yesterday. He sort of agreed to while expressing disappointment that I don't react more to the show. I wish he'd just let me be. Not everyone's going to jump around when they watch konosuba. 

 

I smiled at my shirt

I accomplished eating hardboiled eggs for breakfast

I am grateful for my shirt, hb eggs, my tv stand, blanket, pillows, @Icandothis, my couch, Oscar the grouch, boiled water, and blender

God bless

Erik

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Day 218 NP 181 Np 172 Med 157 NF 57

Positives: Working out at home now, eating regularly and still alive.

I'm saving money on my gym membership now by working out at home. I think it'll be fine. And once we move I'll get some dip bars to workout triceps more. Since we have to vacate the house to show prospective buyers the place we end up eating dinner later. This means I don't have time for evening meditation. Maybe I'll try meditating in the afternoon instead so I can still get it in. I like putting that I'm still alive as a positive. Something about claiming that is funny to me and good. I feel glad to be alive. One of my clients always puts that as his positive. Maybe that's why I feel like putting it too. 

Life: My dr put me on more bupropion. It's making me too hyper so I think I'm going to stop it. Feels like crap. His solution for my sleeping too often was to put me on something that will act like a stimulant. I don't think that's a good idea. That'll just make you more exhausted in my opinion. The only solution is to keep the 13 hour sleep schedule or reduce medications to lower the need for sleep. Even though that risks mental issues.

I smiled at my mom

I accomplished making breakfast

I am grateful for my mom, breakfast, pillows, stripes, fingers, fingernails, hands, veins, skin, and plants.

God bless

Erik

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Day 219 NP 182 Np 173 Med 158 NF 58

Positives: Drinking lots of water, still reading, and new poetry.

I spilled water on accident just now. I guess that's okay though. I cleaned it up well enough. I feel like I can't wait to move. But, I don't really see where the rush is. I guess I just don't want to have to keep leaving the house for showings everyday. That'd be nice. It's not so bad watching stuff there on my laptop though. I'll make sure it's charged so I can watch for longer today. My neck's been sore for like four days because I had to turn it a little to watch tv. I've since kept the tv only directly in front of me to prevent injury. It's sad that these little things injure me. My mom of course was shocked that this is an issue for me. My eye also twitches lately when I'm watching and I'm concerned it'll prevent me from watching. I hope not though. I'm a frail young man in some aspects. I can't bend over to pick up stuff much because it'll hurt my back. Anyways. I'm still reading gettin the love you want. Even though I don't think it's that great of a book. I kind of just want to finish it just to do it. Because I'm already 100 pages in. I got a new book on poetry 'pillow thoughts'. It looks pretty good based on the first like one sentence I read. Hopefully it can help inspire me to write better poems. I could use some more ideas for how to write them structurally. 

Life: Not exactly looking forward to hiding out at my moms events center. Although it's nice to feel like I have an excuse to watch tv. Man I wish I could go for walks but it's too hot. Oh well. I'm working on doing yoga in a way that doesn't injure my wrist. It seems to be going alright although I get too tired sometimes and need to rest. Today is leg day. Where I do squats, calf raises and sit ups. Ah my neck really does hurt though. TV injury. Well I've now accumulated tv and coloring injuries. I might be in the running for weakest injury award. It's weird to me that I can somewhat handle reading mindfulness books, but buddhist scriptures don't work at all. They make me start craving sex for some reason. Whatever. I'm almost through attack on titan. My subscription ends on the 8th. So I'm pretty much done with VRV once I finish AOT. Now that I'm seeing my client in person there's no need for me to be subscribed to anything. I can just watch off his sub. I'll still have my free Netflix to watch things off of. There was something called warrior nun. Which looked kind of funny and possibly good. I'll try it out. The nun was good looking so that might help. 

I smiled at warrior nun

I accomplished getting up

I am grateful for warrior nun, waking up, my alarm, phone, keys, wallet, chargers, laptop, tv stand and Dcs legends.

God bless

Erik

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@chiliflavor Haha nice. We shall see how the show is. I'm focused on finishing attack on titan right now. Almost through the last ten episodes. Then maybe I'll checkout warrior nun. What're you watching?

Day 220 NP 183 Np 174 Med 159 NF 59

Positives: the crick in my neck I think is getting better, my medication side effects are improving maybe and enjoying time off work.

My neck has been messed up for a week from watching tv at an angle. Which doesn't bother most people. But for me it was like major pain. It's still all sore and stiff but I think it might be getting better. They increased my bupropion to try to get me to sleep less. The increase is making me feel light headed short of breath tired and anxious. But it's also allowing me to get up a little earlier. So we'll see if these side effects wear off and the getting up early stays. They said that would happen with the risperdal but it didn't. So . . . I'm not exactly hopeful for this medication. It's nice to have a lot of time off work. Especially when I don't have to worry about paying rent because I'm living at home. AOT is getting good as they close out the third season. It's pretty realistic in the combat and everything. I like it and the gritty sort of existence they live in.

Life: Ah I hope my neck heals soon. Pray for me. Also for my move to go smoothly. In three weeks God willing I'll be in a new house. That's cool. Honestly I don't think the moving or unpacking process will be all that bad. My mom handles it mostly so I don't have to do much thankfully. Yeah.

I smiled at beast titan

I accomplished eating fish pancakes for breakfast

I am grateful for beast titan, AOT, regular pancakes, waffles, milk, real syrup, filtered water, medications, journaling, and dad.

God bless

Erik

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I feel you with the neck pain, I have the same problem if I watch TV too big of an angle when I am lying down. Stretching helps a bit, but the only option that I found working consistently was to change the angle regularly or move things around to remove it altogether. One other treatment works well is some kind of heat pack. I use one that is filled with grains, and you just need to microwave it and apply to the affected area. It works wonders, at least for me, but might be worth a try. Good luck with moving. It can be stressful but also quite thrilling to get a organize your room again and change things up. AoT is great, can't wait for the next season to come out. 

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