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Erik2.0

Erik's Daily Journal - A Better Life

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@BooksandTrees Journaling's good. I hope you find things to do.

Day 115 NF 84 Np 69 Med 55

Positive post: I wanted to journal early today because I was struggling a lot the past 24 hours. I had a lot of dreams that were making me want to masturbate, but didn't. Then I helped my mom fix her computer. Which is my old gaming computer that I gave her. And it made me think about playing LoL again. The whole setup is still there just one room over from my office. Agh. But I played the tape forward. I thought about how I'd feel so drained I wouldn't be able to bring myself to workout. Then I'd lose my muscle gains. Soon enough I'd lose my healthy nutrition. And then just sit around doing nothing but gaming. My mom uses that computer now so she would be out of a computer suddenly which isn't cool to her. 

Speaking of working out. I'm still frustrated that I have too much fat. I'm thinking about cutting out bread as a poster on here said they do. Maybe that'll help. Yeah I'm still pretty triggered from touching the old gaming rig. I could've climbed the ranks some more with Miss Fortune. But it was making me get super stressed out to game when I did before. It just wasn't healthy at all. That's kind of what caused my current state of anxiety over everything was how messed up I got mentally from gaming. So....yeah. I guess I'll keep calm and game quit on. 

Bleh work is boring lol. I don't get to hang out with the clients anymore. We just Skype. I guess it's not the worst thing in the world that I have fat now. It sucks though because I used to have no fat and visible abs for like years. God will take care of everything. Oh yeah, I started a God journal last night. It was pretty good. Makes me feel better I'd like to think.

I smiled at my eggs.

I accomplished not gaming so far today.

I am grateful for GQ, journals, pencils, erasers, fingernails, skin, lotion, acne meds, sleep, and doctors.

God bless

Erik

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Day 116 NF 85 Np 70 Med 56

Positive post: I've been going for walks and watching movies with my mom regularly. Thank God for her. I'd be lost and all messed up if I didn't have my mom. I'm pretty sure I'd be a lot worse off. It's been nice spending time together. It's almost like I'm on a staycation with her. Just hanging out together at home. It's been three days since we started self-quarantine. I don't know how long the quarantines and CV are going to continue. I don't know what to do other than to just chill as much as possible. That's all we can do really. Just chill. Keep calm and carry on. I hope it doesn't last too long. Maybe 1-3 months before we're cleared to go back outside. We watch rom com's and an action movie today. Polar on Netflix is totally gory jeez. Still a decent flick though. I hiked about 5 miles yesterday. It was cool. My workouts at home have been going pretty well. My bench is up to 155 lbs. For some reason my deadlift is a lot weaker at home than it was at the gym. It's gone down from 185 to 155. I honestly don't mind that much about the body fat or how much weight I can lift. I'm just grateful that I'm in decent shape and I am able bodied to exercise. It's a blessing to be able to exercise. I'm lucky to not be over weight too. I've been thinking about getting on Bumble or some other dating app. I don't last on them more than a few months before I get burned out. So I figure if I went back I'd do one month then take a month off and cycle. Dating is so fatiguing. I hope I find someone though. I really do. 

I smiled at my mom and some dating book. 

I accomplished setting up an appointment with a client and running 20 mins cardio.

I am grateful for my mom, god, family, my home, food, water, electricity, typing skills, coasters and lights.

God bless

Erik

3A605E43-2FDB-47AD-B502-A506A5D71FC3.jpeg

Edited by Erik2.0
I don’t draw so often but have been a bit for my job so here’s a picture. I wish I could figure out how the pros on YouTube do it but I’m trying to enjoy the journey and just be happy to draw and learn
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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 116 NF 85 Np 70 Med 56

Positive post: I've been going for walks and watching movies with my mom regularly. Thank God for her. I'd be lost and all messed up if I didn't have my mom. I'm pretty sure I'd be a lot worse off. It's been nice spending time together. It's almost like I'm on a staycation with her. Just hanging out together at home. It's been three days since we started self-quarantine. I don't know how long the quarantines and CV are going to continue. I don't know what to do other than to just chill as much as possible. That's all we can do really. Just chill. Keep calm and carry on. I hope it doesn't last too long. Maybe 1-3 months before we're cleared to go back outside. We watch rom com's and an action movie today. Polar on Netflix is totally gory jeez. Still a decent flick though. I hiked about 5 miles yesterday. It was cool. My workouts at home have been going pretty well. My bench is up to 155 lbs. For some reason my deadlift is a lot weaker at home than it was at the gym. It's gone down from 185 to 155. I honestly don't mind that much about the body fat or how much weight I can lift. I'm just grateful that I'm in decent shape and I am able bodied to exercise. It's a blessing to be able to exercise. I'm lucky to not be over weight too. I've been thinking about getting on Bumble or some other dating app. I don't last on them more than a few months before I get burned out. So I figure if I went back I'd do one month then take a month off and cycle. Dating is so fatiguing. I hope I find someone though. I really do. 

I smiled at my mom and some dating book. 

I accomplished setting up an appointment with a client and running 20 mins cardio.

I am grateful for my mom, god, family, my home, food, water, electricity, typing skills, coasters and lights.

God bless

Erik

3A605E43-2FDB-47AD-B502-A506A5D71FC3.jpeg

Great post. Glad to see you're so engaged in life during all of this. I'd like to get to this point sometime. 

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@BooksandTrees I support your engaging and think you’re doing well. Let’s all Do some push ups.

Day 117 NF 86 Np 71 Med 57

Positive post: Man I was feeling like kinda down because I didn’t get to go to the gym and don’t see my clients. I felt so socially isolated and it was demotivating. But then I got in a great workout and felt so much better. I still feel calm and at peace from the yoga. Increasing my bench made me so happy. Every time I move up on an exercise it’s super motivating and awesome. I feel like good things are happening in my life. My cardio weights and yoga practice are all improving. I’m getting through an awesome show on Netflix called Evangelion. 

I identify so much with the main character. How he just does what people tell him to try to make his life easier. I just don’t know what to do when people order me around sometimes and I just listen to advice that is sometimes wrong for me. I feel like I’m starting to be able to have my own opinion on things.

Ironically staying in all the time is forcing me to develop my relationship with my mom. In doing so I feel like I’m becoming more prepared to be in a relationship with other people. I’m also reading some books on dating that I hope will help. I don’t feel ready to try apps again just yet. But maybe once I finish my books and feel like I’m ready to try I might. Otherwise there’s always approaching girls at Starbucks once the corona has lifted. I hope everyone’s having a good day.

I smiled at increasing my bench 5lbs it adds up.

I accomplished work, exercise, eating healthy.

I am grateful for gamequitters, @Cam Adair, @BooksandTrees, @Laurie, everyone on gq, blankets, recliners, couches, long sleeve t shirts, and crunches.

God bless

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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@Cam Adair Thanks cam 🙂 

Day 118 NF 87 Np 72 Med 58

Positive post: I'm coming up on four months. I sang a little today after reading the slight edge. It was saying how important it is to do little habits each day that build up over a long time into something awesome. I could probably sing a little each day and maybe someday I'll actually sound really good. That would be nice. The only dating advice book I've found that I felt comfortable reading was one written from a Christian perspective. That makes sense. Maybe there are more in this genre. There isn't a good time to listen to it other than going for walks so maybe that'll happen more often. My clients are busy with other stuff right now so I'm pretty much just reading and hanging out at home on a Tuesday. It's nice to get this sort of unpaid vacation. But it would be nicer if it were paid, haha. I'm hoping to pay off my student debt within a few years or less and increase my income by then. I wonder if I'll be able to retire by the age of sixty. I'd have to be really good at living below my means and somehow find something safe to invest money in. I'll ask my parents about it, they recommended doing a 401k I think. 

I'm doing cardio on an elliptical that my mom got from a friend. It kinda hurts my back to use it, but I'm hoping that'll not be an issue and I'll be able to keep using it to greater degrees. I really like the feeling I get from doing over twenty minutes of cardio. It's downright wonderful to watch anime on my phone while running on the elliptical. Life feels kind of still. Like there isn't a lot happening and no crisis aside from the CV. Everything is becoming very routine and ordinary. Nothing new, but I have lots of little good things that I get to do each day. It's kind of hygge if I think about it. I hope that everyone's safe. That we will all get through the CV pandemic game free and healthy. Thank you all for communicating with me as we help each other through this time.

I smiled at the nice trees outside as I thought about taking a walk.

I accomplished getting out of bed 15 minutes earlier than usual. Yeah.

I am grateful for Chinese decorations, culture, my culture, picture frames, glass tables, little chairs, knobs, my elliptical, hardwood floors and DVD players.

God bless

Erik

 

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Day 119 NF 88 Np 73 Med 59

Positive post: Oh man, sorry to be groaning on here, but today I was too tired to exercise. I think trying to increase cardio to 7 instead of 3 days a week was too much for me and my body decided to take a rest day. I'm not as happy as usual as a result. I'm trying to read some book to make me feel better. When I watch tv by myself I sometimes get sad and lonely feeling. God will help me through this. I ordered a bible companion to see if I can get a better understanding of it this read through. Just reading it without a guide is nice and helpful too though. My mom's busy doing things so maybe I'll go run errands with her. It'd be nice to get out of the house. 

I went to Costco. It was nice to see people again. I might be an introvert, but I'm not a recluse. Today's kind of just a tired day. Tomorrow will be more energy and exercise again. Works become pretty minimal time commitment wise. It's kind of nice, but it's also like, not much going on.

I smiled at Evangelion (anime on Netflix).

I accomplished cooking Thai curry.

I am grateful for Costco, god, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, seaports, hot water, tea, blankets, my feet, socks and hair.

God bless

Erik

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Day 120 NF 89 Np 74 Med 60

Positive post: I'm alive, I've improved my understanding of what I need to do to get licensed and I'm at 4 months gaming sobriety. 

Today was really a tough pill to swallow. I realized that I could've been accumulating hours towards licensure these past ten months of work, but just didn't know what the paperwork to count hours was until now. So I'll be bugging my higher ups to fill out paperwork now to get my hours to count. Then I'll be a supervised resident in counseling. And I've got to renew my residency annually. I think I've been feeling kind of depressed lately. Life has just somehow become more tiring. I seem to be needing even more sleep to function. I have no idea how I'll be able to work a full time job with my sleep the way it is. I'll basically have no life outside of work and sleep is how it looks. I feel really heavy right now. I'm not looking forward to figuring out what I need to do to get hours and emailing my boss about it tomorrow. But I've got to do it asap. I can't believe I wasted all this time I could've been counting towards licensure. It's a hard blow to my licensure process. I'm already 31 and behind the curve financially. This just makes it that much worse. It just feels like I'm never going to get my life together. All I can do is keep trying though. tomorrow's another day. I made a lot of big mistakes, but all I can do is learn from it and try to do better. 

I smiled at saiki funny show.

I accomplished going on a long walk.

I am grateful for pens, food, curry, quinoa, people, MacBooks, apple, family, book stands and cherry blossom trees.

God bless

Erik 

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3 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 120 NF 89 Np 74 Med 60

Positive post: I'm alive, I've improved my understanding of what I need to do to get licensed and I'm at 4 months gaming sobriety. 

Today was really a tough pill to swallow. I realized that I could've been accumulating hours towards licensure these past ten months of work, but just didn't know what the paperwork to count hours was until now. So I'll be bugging my higher ups to fill out paperwork now to get my hours to count. Then I'll be a supervised resident in counseling. And I've got to renew my residency annually. I think I've been feeling kind of depressed lately. Life has just somehow become more tiring. I seem to be needing even more sleep to function. I have no idea how I'll be able to work a full time job with my sleep the way it is. I'll basically have no life outside of work and sleep is how it looks. I feel really heavy right now. I'm not looking forward to figuring out what I need to do to get hours and emailing my boss about it tomorrow. But I've got to do it asap. I can't believe I wasted all this time I could've been counting towards licensure. It's a hard blow to my licensure process. I'm already 31 and behind the curve financially. This just makes it that much worse. It just feels like I'm never going to get my life together. All I can do is keep trying though. tomorrow's another day. I made a lot of big mistakes, but all I can do is learn from it and try to do better. 

I smiled at saiki funny show.

I accomplished going on a long walk.

I am grateful for pens, food, curry, quinoa, people, MacBooks, apple, family, book stands and cherry blossom trees.

God bless

Erik 

The paperwork is most likely retroactive since your work is legally recorded with insurance providers. I'd be patient with this one and trust your employers to complete it for you. 

You should be meeting with your psychiatrist every two to four weeks, correct? Have you been discussing the dosage or new medications? I know you mentioned you were worried after the schizoaffective disorder could come if the medications are tweaked too much. 

I'm not sure what else to suggest, but I do think having a job and sleeping is better than no job and sleeping. It might provide you with more reasons and energy to stay awake. 

Another thought is your diet. What are you eating? You're working out quite a lot. Are you sure you're replenishing your body with the correct nutrients to recover and thrive after lifting?

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@Icandothis Thanks the cherry blossoms do bring me peace. They're nice where I'm at too. 

@BooksandTrees I decided not to change my meds, lowering them wasn't a good experience. I probably get enough healthy food. I might lower weight lifting to 3 instead of 4 days we'll see. Hopefully I get going with my residency soon. I'm not totally sure what's going on there, but I'm talking to someone to get it going. 

Day 121 NF 90 Np 75 Med 61

Positive post: I went for a 4 mile walk today. I've been enjoying fruit instead of refined sugar. The cherry blossoms are nice.

Yesterday was a pretty depressing post. Today wasn't so bad though. I knew if I just got to sleep I'd be okay the next day. I'm kind of just grinning and bearing it with the whole sleep thing. I don't feel like there's much to talk about it now unless it changes. I think being at home somehow makes my body want even more sleep and food than usual. Still it's nice being at home all the time. Listening to the birds outside, going for walks and watching comedies on Netflix. I've resorted to mostly watching comedies as pretty much all other genre's are kind of disturbing for me. I just don't seem to handle them well: drama, action, horror etc. My dad's kind of similar, but he likes comedy/action genre. My client likes me to draw him Pokemon. It's kind of a cool way to pass the time. 

I smiled at people I walked past.

I accomplished a 4 mile walk.

I am grateful for my mom, dad, calendar, meds, schedule, air, birds, sky, clouds, stars and moon.

God bless

Erik

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Day 122 NF 91 Np 76 Med 62

Positive post: I walked for an hour, finished a book on christian dating and talked to a friend on zoom.

I am doing the best I can do live a good life and be a good person. It's not easy. I am really trying though. I'm cutting out the Bible study group, shows that make me feel dark and this bible study podcast too. They all made me feel dark and I didn't like it. I was kind of getting snippy with people. That's one of my telltale signs that something I'm doing isn't working for me. 

Even though I live a life of mediocrity. It has some semblance of peace. That peace is worth defending even if it means not going on dating apps right now and not having more than one friend who lives in another country. Even if I work at a job where I'm not making that much money and still am not earning residency hours yet. I'm also not yet able to sleep less than 12 hours a night so even if they offered them to me I wouldn't be able to work full time. They don't know that yet though and hopefully my body is someday able to function with 10.5 hours of sleep a day so I can fit the full time hours into my day. 

Like @BooksandTrees said, working and sleeping isn't that bad of a life. It could be better, but it could always be a lot worse too. I could have no friends instead of one. I could have no job, be earning less money, have no relationship with my parents etc etc. I'm just going to do a gratitude list for all the good things I have in my life because I have a lot going for me even if it's not the perfect life.

I smiled on my walk because the rural neighborhood makes me feel good when I go. I'd like to live in a more spaced out place like that.

I accomplished finishing a 9 hour audiobook.

I am grateful for my friend, my parents, job, money, hours I've accrued toward licensure, weight I can lift, drawings, kindle, bible, and prayer.

God bless

Erik

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10 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 122 NF 91 Np 76 Med 62

Positive post: I walked for an hour, finished a book on christian dating and talked to a friend on zoom.

I am doing the best I can do live a good life and be a good person. It's not easy. I am really trying though. I'm cutting out the Bible study group, shows that make me feel dark and this bible study podcast too. They all made me feel dark and I didn't like it. I was kind of getting snippy with people. That's one of my telltale signs that something I'm doing isn't working for me. 

Even though I live a life of mediocrity. It has some semblance of peace. That peace is worth defending even if it means not going on dating apps right now and not having more than one friend who lives in another country. Even if I work at a job where I'm not making that much money and still am not earning residency hours yet. I'm also not yet able to sleep less than 12 hours a night so even if they offered them to me I wouldn't be able to work full time. They don't know that yet though and hopefully my body is someday able to function with 10.5 hours of sleep a day so I can fit the full time hours into my day. 

Like @BooksandTrees said, working and sleeping isn't that bad of a life. It could be better, but it could always be a lot worse too. I could have no friends instead of one. I could have no job, be earning less money, have no relationship with my parents etc etc. I'm just going to do a gratitude list for all the good things I have in my life because I have a lot going for me even if it's not the perfect life.

I smiled on my walk because the rural neighborhood makes me feel good when I go. I'd like to live in a more spaced out place like that.

I accomplished finishing a 9 hour audiobook.

I am grateful for my friend, my parents, job, money, hours I've accrued toward licensure, weight I can lift, drawings, kindle, bible, and prayer.

God bless

Erik

That's a good attitude. Along the way you might find a solution to the sleep. You haven't needed 12 hours of sleep your whole life I'm assuming so I don't think this will last forever. Screw the bible group. You already have a firm belief in God and practice. I think you should find a fun group or activity that lets you be aggressive. I suggest a recreational sport or music or something. 

Sometimes when I'm in groups I'm ready to snap at people because I want to take my frustrations out on them. There are healthier ways. 

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@BooksandTrees Thanks for your support. I hope to find some other kind of group to join too. Once this is all over anyways. I haven't needed 12 hours my whole life so yeah maybe it will clear up.

Day 123 NF 92 Np 77 Med 63

Positive post: I walked like 7 miles today, I chilled with my mom and I applied for jobs.

Yay, four months. I've been wanting to game more lately and it's no fun to deal with those feelings, but I'm doing it. I've been feeling like I don't want to do anything lately. Maybe it's the quarantine, maybe I'm just walking too much? At any rate work week start tomorrow, I hope I do well enough. Drawing is nice, but it kind of makes me get stressed and my skin will get oily when I draw so I tend to avoid it. Except with clients when I do art therapy because it's such a good way to pass the time in a therapeutic way. I wonder if I'll continue with art therapy or just find something else to have people do. Lately I've been getting people to journal. Kind of like here. I don't like to talk about work that much. I tend to get upset at the clients when I talk about them outside of work so I'll just stop now. 

I don't really know any drawing techniques to draw from imagination. I only end up drawing anything decent looking if I have something to try and copy. Maybe I could learn somewhere. I'm so focused on just my sleep and energy levels that I don't really have headspace to care about hobbies or much of anything else. My life focus is just work and sleep right now. It's okay, I can't wait to get to sleep. I hope everyone's weeks and sleep go well.

I smiled at the office.

I accomplished meditating.

I am grateful for my calendar, nose, job, clients, sleep, meditation, walking, mom, nature, and eraser.

God bless

Erik

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Day 124 NF 93 Np 78 Med 64

Positive post: I drank some water, ate breakfast and did drawings.

I'm doing this post way early today because its been crammed into my evenings lately and that's no good. I don't have much to say. I'm looking online for manga tutorials @Laurie Do you know any good manga tutorials online I could check out please? 

My mom's starting a caregiver job since she has mostly free time now. Guess that means I'll get to see her less. 😞 I think I'm going to go ahead and watch some Netflix, lift weights and go for a short walk with my mom. I'm checking out all the self help books on my list as samples and seeing if any are readable for me. So far I've got 'four habits of joy in a marriage'. Hopefully that one works out. 

I smiled at the trees outside.

I accomplished getting out of bed at 845am.

I am grateful for napkins, the nice weather, trees, grass, the sky, being alive, clients, macbook air, moms financial advice and hiking.

God bless

Erik

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Hey Erik, 

You can find manga tutorials on skillshare here(you'll need to subscribe to get access to all the content though : https://www.skillshare.com/search?query=Manga&searchMethod=autocomplete ! 🙂

You can also check this youtube channel : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvMBMKniUFj89VwhH-MOG8w The guy running it is a pusblished manga author

I'm glad everything is going well for you, your post put a smile on my face, thanks for your positivity and doing your best everyday.

I wish you best, 

Laurie

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10 hours ago, Laurie said:

Hey Erik, 

You can find manga tutorials on skillshare here(you'll need to subscribe to get access to all the content though : https://www.skillshare.com/search?query=Manga&searchMethod=autocomplete ! 🙂

You can also check this youtube channel : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvMBMKniUFj89VwhH-MOG8w The guy running it is a pusblished manga author

I'm glad everything is going well for you, your post put a smile on my face, thanks for your positivity and doing your best everyday.

I wish you best, 

Laurie

Awe thank you so much Laurie. I think you're great too. I like your can do spirit and healing energy. I hope everything goes well with your two professions. 🙂 . These links look great too, yay. ^_^

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Day 125 NF 94 Np 79 Med 65

Positive post: I made waffles today! I saw two clients via google duo and watched a new show about Spanish superheroes.

The superheroes show was pretty good. It's called The Neighbor on Netflix if anyone's interested. It has minor elements of comedy and drama. Which are both bearable and the superhero thing is realistic enough. It's pretty enjoyable overall. I'm reading the four habits of joy in a marriage. It's a great book. I knew it was gonna be good when they referenced the 5 love languages which I also enjoy. I might re read that sometime. It's hard for me to find books to read that I click with. Most of them are too hardcore for me just like tv shows. I need stuff that's light and based in love. Yeah, that makes me breathe a sigh of relief just typing it. 

I love everyone. I hope your days are filled with joy.

I smiled at my clients.

I accomplished 6 hours of work.

I am grateful for my friends on GameQuitters, my head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, the ants that go marching on, hurrah, tablecloths, anything I can see while typing this post, The stars, the constellations, the sky, fresh healthy air, and Chinese stone lions.

God bless

Erik

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4 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 125 NF 94 Np 79 Med 65

Positive post: I made waffles today! I saw two clients via google duo and watched a new show about Spanish superheroes.

The superheroes show was pretty good. It's called The Neighbor on Netflix if anyone's interested. It has minor elements of comedy and drama. Which are both bearable and the superhero thing is realistic enough. It's pretty enjoyable overall. I'm reading the four habits of joy in a marriage. It's a great book. I knew it was gonna be good when they referenced the 5 love languages which I also enjoy. I might re read that sometime. It's hard for me to find books to read that I click with. Most of them are too hardcore for me just like tv shows. I need stuff that's light and based in love. Yeah, that makes me breathe a sigh of relief just typing it. 

I love everyone. I hope your days are filled with joy.

I smiled at my clients.

I accomplished 6 hours of work.

I am grateful for my friends on GameQuitters, my head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, the ants that go marching on, hurrah, tablecloths, anything I can see while typing this post, The stars, the constellations, the sky, fresh healthy air, and Chinese stone lions.

God bless

Erik

This has a happier tone than normal to it. Good to see. 

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14 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 125 NF 94 Np 79 Med 65

Positive post: I made waffles today! I saw two clients via google duo and watched a new show about Spanish superheroes.

The superheroes show was pretty good. It's called The Neighbor on Netflix if anyone's interested. It has minor elements of comedy and drama. Which are both bearable and the superhero thing is realistic enough. It's pretty enjoyable overall. I'm reading the four habits of joy in a marriage. It's a great book. I knew it was gonna be good when they referenced the 5 love languages which I also enjoy. I might re read that sometime. It's hard for me to find books to read that I click with. Most of them are too hardcore for me just like tv shows. I need stuff that's light and based in love. Yeah, that makes me breathe a sigh of relief just typing it. 

I love everyone. I hope your days are filled with joy.

I smiled at my clients.

I accomplished 6 hours of work.

I am grateful for my friends on GameQuitters, my head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, the ants that go marching on, hurrah, tablecloths, anything I can see while typing this post, The stars, the constellations, the sky, fresh healthy air, and Chinese stone lions.

God bless

Erik

Great to see so much positive energy. Hope you have another great day filled with joy. 

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Day 126 NF 95 Np 80 Med 66

@BooksandTrees @Marek Thanks guys. I was in a good mood yesterday. 😄 Usually I kind of trudge along in this journey. It's nice to have some good moments along the way.

Positive post: I saw my client today, my blanket has constellations on it and I'm eating organic peanut butter, yum.

Costco might be overly crowded and all concrete, but you can get a lot of good deals on organic food there so. Maybe it's not so bad. I've been watching Saiki K on Netflix. It's really awesome. I could probably be spending more time reading, but watching this show is pretty nice too, haha. I went running today! I only ran like half a mile of the walk but it was still more than nothing which is my usual. I've been doing calisthenics in place of weight lifting and it's making me feel a lot better. My sleep, hunger and energy levels are all doing better. I feel more motivated to run and do yoga. Some much needed areas of my life. I'm probably going to reach out to an old friend soon. Man even though I'm still working a lot my life feels so stagnant because I'm inside most of the day. Thankfully I still get to take walks.

I love you all. I hope everyone finds inner peace.

I smiled at the nature outside my living room window.

I accomplished keeping myself entertained.

I am grateful for life, love and the pursuit of happiness, joy filled marriages, my feet, body, shoes etc that handle running, my muscles, skin, hair and gums.

God bless

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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Day 127 NF 96 Np 81 Med 67

Positive post: I ran the heater a little warmer and it's nice, I woke up 15 minutes earlier than usual and I'm planning to clip my nails today! 

That's three positive things in case you're wondering what that list is all about at the start of my posts. I've been drawing anime lately. It's kind of hard to muster up the strength to go look at tutorials and draw what I see. But it's nice when a picture comes out well and you get to look at it lovingly. I'm thinking about trying out fiction novels again. I turned away because they were causing me too much discomfort. But now I'm so bored by life that I want to give them another try. I'm encouraged by the anime drawing which was too uncomfortable for me before. Maybe if I can handle the anxiety of drawing I can face the anxiety of reading fiction novels too.

I ordered Metamucil online and orders have been taking forever on Amazon so I hope I get it before my supply runs out. I might checkout some comics on Hoopla. That's another thing that caused me anxiety in the past so I hid from it. I know I probably seem like I avoid everything due to anxiety, but I've actually made some strides. For a while I just hid in my bed all day, went for walks and read books. Everything else felt off limits to me. Since then I've become able to do other forms of exercise, hold a job, watch some television, and post on these forums. I've still got a long way to go, but I feel like I have hope now that I can actually overcome some of my anxiety. Maybe someday I'll even be able to try joining the fantasy writing meetup or the poetry meetup. That would be a godsend if I managed to successfully join a group. I think it would be nice to have friends with a common interest to meetup with on a regular basis. As it stands my real life social connects are my mom, dad and a friend in Dubai. That's about it. I have a couple friends in the states from school that I could talk to, but I dunno it takes a lot of effort for me to do that. I believe I suffer from Avolition: a lack of motivation to complete tasks or goals common to people with schizophrenia. So making friends feels like I'm walking uphill with a weight vest on. Every step of the way I'm thinking, "Is this worth it? What's the point?" Then I try to shake those thoughts off and keep going. 

I'd like to think the point of making friends is to enjoy the company of others, to not be lonely and to have fun. 🙂 

Announcement: For everyone who wants free books and media. Go to Hoopla.com and input your library card number to make an account. You get to borrow 10+ free titles a month. It's great. Hoopla is like the digital version of the library. 

Sometimes I feel like this journal is work because the repetitiveness. I guess I could make it less repetitive and just write my post and that's it. Or I could make the gratitude list shorter. We'll see what happens. I'm definitely not adding anymore repetitive things to it.

I love you all and I hope everyone is keeping entertained at home.

I smiled at the habits of joy filled marriages exercises.

I accomplished 'sleeping' through the night.

I am grateful for ants, dust, dirt, leaves, trees, wind, the rainforest, tolerance, patience and forgiveness.

God bless

Erik

Monthly Summary

Squats: 3x10

Push ups: 20, 15, 15

Chin ups: 3x5

Relationships: mom, dad, Snow

April goals:

Squat 3x14 Push up 3x20 Chin up 3x7

Relationships: Have a chat session with Laura, bonus talk to Mary.

Edited by Erik2.0

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Do you have any prefered anime that you like to draw? I used to watch a lot of anime over last few years, I tend to binge watch it when I get really interested in the story which is not best but still preferable than gaming haha. What did you find discomforting in fiction books if I may ask? 

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@Marek I like to draw girls. Lately I've been drawing Pokemon which are easier to draw than anime people so they're nice. Drawings kinda hard, maybe if I watch more tutorials I'll get better at it. Sounds like you were getting into some anime there. Binge watching isn't all bad. As long as you don't go for too long. Definitely better than gaming. What anime were you watching? I just get anxious when I read fiction. I think it's because they contain violence and sometimes take a dark/serious tone which I get like scared of.

Day 128 NP 97 Np 82 Med 68

Positive post: I got up on time, I ate a small breakfast and did some nice Pokemon drawings.

My doctor told me it was healthy to masturbate so I masturbated today. I changed my nofap counter to noporn NP counter now. I had a talk with my mom about religion and she told me not to take scripture so literally. That it's okay to live a good enough life rather than trying to be super perfect to the letter of what the Bible says to do. So I guess I'm kind of loosening up a little bit on my rules now. It's okay. I'll be fine. I'm eating one small thing that has sugar in it each day now too. If it's too much I can dial it back to one a week. 

I'm going to go for a walk soon. I don't know why it's making my font larger suddenly. I just want to remind myself and everyone of why we quit gaming. For me it was because I felt like my life was out of control. I couldn't stop playing all the time and all areas of my life were in disrepair. I didn't have anything going on exercise, diet, work, hobbies or relationships wise. My life was just gaming. Now I have some development in those areas of my life and I want to keep growing them. So I'll do my best to stay off games and stay on self-development. 

I smiled at the neighbor (show).

I accomplished sleeping decently.

I am grateful for ten item lists of gratitude, love, kindness, peace, joy, compassion, work, money, blankets and folders.

I hope everyone's chilling today.

Erik

 

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That's true. I would not mind binge-watching when I do it once I have finished all my priority tasks and then I just spend free time on anime that's fine. The problem arises when it turns into procrastination. I see, I actually really enjoy fantasy books that are more into the dark spectrum. Especially if authors are not afraid to sacrifice main characters which makes the whole story a lot more interesting and real. I just hate the classic cliche that in a lot of stories it is essentially irrelevant what happens because you know that the main character will come out victorious which makes it quite boring. I do like books/ anime with overpowered protagonists, especially if they are smug about it. Right now I am watching season 4 of My Hero Academia, but some of my favorite animes would be Code Geass, Death Note, Overlord and many more. But I really like the darker psychological ones mostly.

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