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Erik2.0

Erik's Daily Journal - A Better Life

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Day 102 NF 71 Np 56 Med 42

@BooksandTrees That's a good reminder to not worry about corona virus outside of what we can control. Most people dying from it are elderly or have some pre existing health ailment. So most of us healthy young people are fine. 

I'm feeling kind of burned out from my christian group. (-_-). I feel like this one girl there flirts with me but has no intention whatsoever of getting with me. I think she does this with all guys. It sucks I wish she'd just stop seducing me with no actual interest in me. Makes my head hurt. She even said she's seriously interested in some guy but still she acts like a flirt I think. 😕 . Well . . . It's still my best prospect for socializing. I could try joining the buddhist temple and see how that goes. Just don't tell my christian group I explored that. Uhm. Poetry and fantasy writing are out because when I do them I suddenly breakout in acne and there's nothing I can do to stop it it seems. 😢 . Well, that's my life. I'm just going to keep on keeping on. I'll have a coping skills group to help me through life on Mondays and Wednesdays. Maybe I can go to both next week because I could use the extra support. Going to that group made me stop feeling suicidal. Now that I've gone one week without it (because I was too exhausted from accurate to go) I already feel more depressed and just lethargic/apathetic. All the pre-warning signs of suicidal ideation creeping back in again. Well, I'm glad I have GQ. Doing the gratitude list on here has really helped me with being more grateful for things in my life it's great.

I smiled at my mom who is sort of funny sometimes.

I accomplished watching five episodes of Naruto. 

I am grateful for my therapy group, healthy sugar free food, avoiding sugar and fried food, coasters and Hygge (pronounced Hoo-ga).

God bless

Erik

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Day 103 NF 72 Np 57 Med 43
 

Uhmmm my client has been sleeping all session so I'm using the time to write this. Easy session, haha. Although I get kind of bleh when I'm stuck in the dark inside. I really need to see the natural sunlight through the window at least. I think I'm going to start going to parks to hike on my own. I can't rely on my mom being available to walk with me. It could definitely lead to going for walks with other people. Maybe I could even go on a date with a girl by going hiking. That would be totally Hygge (pronounced hooga means a feeling of comfort, ease and togetherness). 

I smiled at YOGA out in the sunlight yay.

I accomplished sitting through most of my clients sleeping session so far.

I am grateful for dogs, cats, natures, sunlight and fresh air!

God bless

Erik

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@BooksandTrees I like that. Getting outside is very nice. I went for a run outside yesterday it was great to get out. Now I'm thinking about getting a bike to ride outside when weather permits. Sun is good.

Day 104 NF 73 Np 58 Med 44

My sleep isn't doing so well again. I've been in bed for 11.5 hours a night lately. I think the accutane caused me to get all messed up though with the sleep. I don't think I'm going to give a lower dose a try. I'm just going to go back to the topical ointments. I dunno if I'll really get a bike because I don't much care for running/walking on the main trail out here. Maybe biking it would be different, but I doubt it. 😕 . Yeah I'll probably just stick to hiking/running the less traveled trails to get my nature and sunlight in. It's hygge. 

I smiled at a tree outside.

I accomplished getting out of bed for work.

I am grateful for my pants I do have albeit few, my jackets, sweaters, gloves and hair.

God bless

Erik

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Day 105 NF 74 Np 59 Med 45

Well idk about running because I’m so sore after. Walking was great today though. I’ll stick with that for now. The birds of prey movie looks okay. Might want to see it. I usually like hero movies though. I’m not too into the villain scene. 
 

I have a lot of sugar free chocolate. I’m not sure if that prevents it from making me fat but I like to think so. I’m down from 190 to 186 lbs. I’m hoping to hit 184 by the end of the week. My motivation is to get lean for a lake trip with my christian group. So I’m applying all my acne creams doing workouts and restricting my food intake religiously . Haha pun intended. Man this chocolate is good though for being sugar free. 
 

Im embracing the hygge more and more. It may be a secret to happiness gifted to us from the danes. Checkout the little book of hygge if you’re interested.

I smiled at Harley Quinn’s fine self.

I accomplished walking twenty minutes.

I am grateful for my leg hair, nose hair, eyebrows, head hair and armpit hair. 

God bless

Erik

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Day 106 NF 75 Np 60 Med 46

So I get to be called a veteran at 100 days now. I feel so seasoned. I taught my client about hygge today it was chill. Oh man. I went to the gym today and it was empty at rush hour. Everyone's staying home to hide from the corona virus. I wasn't concerned about it before, but now I'm kind of scared. It's like the fear is spreading. I could feel it at the gym. I really hope we don't get quarantined inside or something crazy like that. I don't want to have to subsist off beans and rice >.< 

Well....now I feel like I might start staying home and avoiding the gym too if everyone else is. I could probably get by on my humble setup at home. Well I can try. The gym will be empty though which would be nice to train at. Haha. 

I'm doing a rest week after two months of consistent weight training. It's kind of hard to do because I like to lift every week. But, I am developing a greater appreciation for cardio on the treadmill and some yoga on my own. Although not so much with the yoga because I'm seriously so drained feeling all the time. Seems that regardless of whether I lay in bed 9 or 13 hours I feel all lethargic. I think it's the medication I'm on. I can't take a lower dose though probably. I start to get delusional. 

On a positive note I did some drawings of Hinata today that I enjoyed. They aren't the best, but I liked drawing them so that's good enough for me.

I smiled at my drawing of hinata.

I accomplished going to the gym despite corona virus emptying it out.

I am grateful for god, my mom, good health, safety and hygge.

God bless

Erik

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Day 107 NF 76 Np 61 Med 47

Positive post:

I'm eating a mandarin right now and it tastes really good. Especially after getting off work for the week. Phew. I'm tired pretty often because of the insomnia, but I always get the week done with so that's okay. I'm going to group only once for now. I think it's a good thing because I already had six sessions which was the requirement and now I'm just hanging on for more sessions to have that group support. I don't really get along with everyone which is expected. It was hard for me to say anything in last group. I just felt like no one wanted to hear my advice so I might as well not talk. If every time you talked people glared at you and looked upset that you were speaking to them you probably wouldn't talk much either. Well. . . I dunno maybe something can happen there for me. It is still nice to just be in a group therapy even if I don't get along with everyone or feel like my words are welcome there. 

Oh yeah Christian group didn't workout. I just got too stressed and uncomfortable around the group members. I pray that God bring me in touch with a group where I feel comfortable and can stay for a good long time.

I smiled at my tasty orange. 

I accomplished making tea after work for the hygge.

I am grateful for my clients, my job and my income.

God bless

Erik

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Don't ever be afraid to give advice in your group. You're the therapy expert in that group, and they are there for a reason. Not everyone is 100% receptive to any advice anyway, and if you're dealing with someone whose brain isn't working properly, who is to say that their response to your advice is valid? It sucks when people act derisively like that, but stay strong and keep going. Eventually you will get really good at group therapy!

And sorry to hear the fellowship group didn't work out. I went to one of those a few years ago too. I got a weird vibe the whole time like people were judging me the whole time for not appearing "holy" enough. It's a weird thing. What's your next social idea?

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5 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 107 NF 76 Np 61 Med 47

Positive post:

I'm eating a mandarin right now and it tastes really good. Especially after getting off work for the week. Phew. I'm tired pretty often because of the insomnia, but I always get the week done with so that's okay. I'm going to group only once for now. I think it's a good thing because I already had six sessions which was the requirement and now I'm just hanging on for more sessions to have that group support. I don't really get along with everyone which is expected. It was hard for me to say anything in last group. I just felt like no one wanted to hear my advice so I might as well not talk. If every time you talked people glared at you and looked upset that you were speaking to them you probably wouldn't talk much either. Well. . . I dunno maybe something can happen there for me. It is still nice to just be in a group therapy even if I don't get along with everyone or feel like my words are welcome there. 

Oh yeah Christian group didn't workout. I just got too stressed and uncomfortable around the group members. I pray that God bring me in touch with a group where I feel comfortable and can stay for a good long time.

I smiled at my tasty orange. 

I accomplished making tea after work for the hygge.

I am grateful for my clients, my job and my income.

God bless

Erik

What's causing the stress and issues at the Christian groups?

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Day 108 NF 77 Np 62 Med 48

@DaBest I'm actually just a member of therapy group not the leader. That's probably why people aren't trying to listen to me heh. I'm kind of thinking of avoiding group for now due to the corona virus. Yeah I think if I went back I'd give making suggestions to people a try. Might turn out okay. My next social idea is find a new church. I could also potentially join an anime watching club. I was thinking of checking out buddhism, but I dunno I think I might be too far gone to the Christian scene to switch religions. Practicing Christianity makes me feel like a kinder, calmer person and that's what I like about it. I don't like being an agitated person. I like being a tolerant one. In the words of mike Tyson, 'I like feeling kind.'

@BooksandTrees I felt like this one girl in the group what was basically dating someone kept flirting with me, but was just doing it to mess with me for fun. She had no interest in me. Also her housemate would drop in these rude comments making fun of what I had to say. It really upset me a lot. Like a lot. I got her back with a quip, but I don't like to sit around taking verbal shots at each other. I like when people are just genuinely nice to each other and chill. I don't like high conflict relationships like that. It was kind of toxic. So it was a hard choice because I was getting kind of attached, but I had to quit going to group.

Positive post: 

I feel like intentionally making these posts positive is helping me with my resilience. Earlier today I found myself thinking something and then finishing the thought with a positive statement. Like, "And I think it'll get better." I got this idea from someone who was depressed and her therapist told her to write only the positives in her journal for the day. So I may keep on with the positive post thing 🙂 . I'm reading the slight edge by Jeff Olson after hearing about it on the first ever GQ podcast. It's pretty good and entertaining. He encourages you to just keep doing what you've been doing to make progress in life. That it's the settling into a lull that prevents us from succeeding in life. So basically just work till you're doing okay and then keep on working till you're doing great and so on. 

I'm trying to delve into the dating, marriage, love and relationships literature. If you guys have any resources to recommend for me they are much appreciated. I'm looks at the books Attached and Getting the love you want right now. I got the way of the superior man on my hoopla, but I think I already tried that book and didn't like it. I tend not to like a lot of books, but I keep trying new ones because eventually I find something I can read.I think after going to Christian group I just sort of realized people weren't trying to be as 'holy' as I was so I kind of felt a need to develop real world wisdom on dating and relationships. I thought I could just find a girl who was into Jesus like me and raise a Christian family together. But it seems like there's more to dating than just a mutual interest in Christianity. There's like this whole game of being the attractive one to them somehow. I don't like games especially the romantic kind. I wish people could just be straightforward about this sort of thing. But, I dunno maybe some relationship advice could help me out. 

Objectively speaking I've only ever dated girls for up to a year. I've had mostly messed up relationships where I was addicted to substances and gaming. And the girls were pissed off and saying mean things to damage my self-esteem on a regular basis. So I'd love to have a relationship that isn't earmarked by my active addiction and her verbal abuse/treating me poorly for once. That'd be great to meet someone not off a dating app too. I heard cam talking about getting off tinder because it's so superficial and I really like the idea of not being on dating apps too. I feel terrible being on those things. God willing I'll keep trying, find friends and a girlfriend.

I smiled at the bad guy in Naruto because it's funny how he's always smiling.

I accomplished fixing my phone screen protector and stockpiling food.

I am grateful for gratitude lists, gratitude, tables, chairs, and tv.

God bless

Erik

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31 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 108 NF 77 Np 62 Med 48

@DaBest I'm actually just a member of therapy group not the leader. That's probably why people aren't trying to listen to me heh. I'm kind of thinking of avoiding group for now due to the corona virus. Yeah I think if I went back I'd give making suggestions to people a try. Might turn out okay. My next social idea is find a new church. I could also potentially join an anime watching club. I was thinking of checking out buddhism, but I dunno I think I might be too far gone to the Christian scene to switch religions. Practicing Christianity makes me feel like a kinder, calmer person and that's what I like about it. I don't like being an agitated person. I like being a tolerant one. In the words of mike Tyson, 'I like feeling kind.'

@BooksandTrees I felt like this one girl in the group what was basically dating someone kept flirting with me, but was just doing it to mess with me for fun. She had no interest in me. Also her housemate would drop in these rude comments making fun of what I had to say. It really upset me a lot. Like a lot. I got her back with a quip, but I don't like to sit around taking verbal shots at each other. I like when people are just genuinely nice to each other and chill. I don't like high conflict relationships like that. It was kind of toxic. So it was a hard choice because I was getting kind of attached, but I had to quit going to group.

That makes sense. Some people are just assholes and like to argue. You can see it by reading social media, being around others, etc. I try to limit my time talking to others because it's not worth it. I'm sort of considered a pessimist, but I'd say I'm more of a realist after my life experiences. You'd have to prove yourself to a high degree in order to earn my validation and become a friend and someone I enjoy talking to more than once or twice.

I can't fully defend you since I don't know what advice you were giving, how you spoke, the manner in which you spoke, etc. I think people can have good advice, but not be smart about delivering it or just try to prove a point. I don't think you do this after reading your posts for the past 4 months. So all I can really say is I'm sorry these two people ruined this for you. But maybe it's for the best. 

You gave this a good shot, enjoyed certain things and can take this knowledge with you to future group sessions and meetups. This shit takes so much time to develop. Friendship. It's a long path. Take the positives out of your experience and keep moving. You're doing great going to these meetups and group sessions. It's a brave thing to do.

My only advice, and I'm not implying anything when I say this, is that if this becomes a trend where you continuously join groups or places and the same results happen where you are targeted in conversation negatively like this, then I think you need to do some self reflection to see what's going on. If this happens with like 5 groups in a row then I would ask the people bothering you what's happening to cause these reactions or start writing in a private journal about the interactions. If you write them down, read them out loud and see who sounds correct in the dialogue.

Once again, I'm not saying you're causing any of this. I'm giving you my personal advice because I genuinely care about your development in recovery from gaming addiction. Being a healthy self critic is important. We're too hard on ourselves in many ways like self improvement, but sometimes we're not critical or transparent enough with ourselves. 

An example is I had a friend who joined these groups for years and never had friends. So he told me he thinks he's got Asperger's disease and just can't function socially. I couldn't take it and I just gave him my opinion and coached him on how to be better in social situations. I explained how to speak in groups, how to listen, how to do one on one talks, etc. Over 6 months he found friends, a board game group, a beer tasting group, a bbq group, and a girlfriend.

I want to reiterate that I'm not saying or thinking you fall into this category and don't want to hurt your feelings. I am just saying many people don't take this approach and sometimes overthink their social issues. I'm just telling this to you because I care about your development as an addict and have appreciated your perspective and support on my issues as well. So I'm just being careful not to be rude, but try to relate an example.

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7 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I'm trying to delve into the dating, marriage, love and relationships literature. If you guys have any resources to recommend for me they are much appreciated. I'm looks at the books Attached and Getting the love you want right now. I got the way of the superior man on my hoopla, but I think I already tried that book and didn't like it. I tend not to like a lot of books, but I keep trying new ones because eventually I find something I can read.

Why didn't you like the "Way of the Superior Man"? I didn't read it myself, so I can't comment on it.

I read "Models: Attract Women through Honestly" by Manson and "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Glover and I like both of them, because they are not books about dating but books about life change, even if I don't follow them to the letter. They're both online somewhere.

7 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I think after going to Christian group I just sort of realized people weren't trying to be as 'holy' as I was so I kind of felt a need to develop real world wisdom on dating and relationships. I thought I could just find a girl who was into Jesus like me and raise a Christian family together. But it seems like there's more to dating than just a mutual interest in Christianity. There's like this whole game of being the attractive one to them somehow. I don't like games especially the romantic kind. I wish people could just be straightforward about this sort of thing. But, I dunno maybe some relationship advice could help me out. 

For whatever reason, this paragraph strikes me as written by someone who tries to be "too much in their head". We're animals too. We can get addicted, we want sex, food, water and sleep, regardless of what our conscious will wants. If you require your partner to be as "hardcore" into Christianity or "holy", you have to know it's a fairly exclusive condition and that it's going to take some time to find someone like that.

I think people are not intentionally trying to be confusing about dating, but it just takes a lot of time/effort to figure the compatibility out. You can have a good conversation with a girl and you might not see her again afterwards. There's just so many variables to dating and relationships that rationality or logic or memory (all that is based on the emotional core anyway) has limited usefulness and it's used in a different way; i.e. noticing a girl has a new haircut or picking up some branch of the conversation you got into the last time, but didn't have time to explore it as much as you wanted to. If you like a girl, you just "know" it - you don't need to write a paper as to why you like her.

Edited by Ikar
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@BooksandTrees Thanks so much for your post. I think you might be onto something with the Christian group and my socializing. I have schizoaffective disorder and when I get offended sometimes I get like way too offended. The other day my mom said something like, 'You can't handle anything. You can't even work a full time job.' Which is kind of true, I do only work 22 hours a week. But I got so upset that I was going to stop talking to her until my dad talked me out of it. God bless them. Maybe the same thing is happening with the Christian group. Maybe they are okay and I just need to try to go through the struggle of getting offended, being uncomfortable etc with them. Two side notes. I sometimes think people are exuding negative energy and it's like 'killing me' or 'stressing me out' so I'll go and isolate in my room to 'hide from others energy'. It honestly prevents me from going to populated places. Also there's this ridiculously fit and social guy in the Bible group. And the girls seem like they're trying to flirt with him unsuccessfully. While I try to flirt with them unsuccessfully. It's pretty sad and has led me to start getting into the reading on how to talk to girls and all that. I think I seriously might give the group yet another try. Maybe I'm just freaking out and over reacting to this and the group isn't so bad. Everything wasn't like completely terrible for two weeks there... Thanks for appreciating me, I appreciate you too. Speaking of the reading...

@Ikar Hey, I just finished The Way of the superior man. It was actually pretty good. In hindsight I was on a ton of substances when I was trying to read it before. I was REALLY messed up on substances at the time. It's mostly just a book on how to love your woman and embrace your divine masculine self. It lays out all the facets of masculine and feminine sides of self. Then challenges you to embody them in your relationship. I like how he talks about trying to help your lover get into a better mood if they're in a bad mood. Honestly my favorite reading on relationships so far has been The 5 Love Languages. I use them all the time to love my mom better. She wants acts of service and I'll be like give me words of affirmation I'll move the boxes for your acts of service. It goes well. I'm probably going to give Models and Mr. Nice guy another try. They're so well renowned even @Cam Adair recommended that I read them for finding a girlfriend/friends. I know it's partially the schizoaffective disorder (shizophrenia/depression) messing with me when I feel unable to read them. It's like I feel like after I read them I become 'evil' or 'mean' and I'm not as able to be nice and patient with other people. It was kind of scary to see myself act like that so I didn't get past the second chapters. Still maybe I'll press on...again.

Day 109 NF 78 Np 63 Med 49

Positive post: Woah, those were some long responses. I seem to be writing a lot more lately since I've been reading so much. I credit using the Pomodoro method 25/5 x 4 with the last break being 30 minutes. I read like 3-4 hours today using that method. Also I did an uninformed 'deload week' this past week so I had more time to read. Not lifting any weights at all for a week wasn't the best idea. After having poor digestion and stress levels as a result I read up on it a bit. What I found was that a de load week is usually decreasing volume by 50% and weight by 10% for one week. Not completely dropping them like I did. It's a good lesson learned. I don't think it'll be a major hindrance in my gains progression. So we'll see if I am able to come back stronger than when I left. I have physical therapy on Wednesday for my wrist, shoulder and back. All three of these are doing okay. I'm able to lift weights provided I do rotator cuff strengthening exercises beforehand. My wrist was hurting from dumbbell press last week though. We'll see if they can do anything to speed up my recovery here. I've been messed up for months. 

I really hope I hit my goal of 185lbs squat, bench, deadlift by the end of the year. I would optimistically like to get to 225lbs by early next year too if that's possible. Speaking of slow gains. I want to invest some money in a retirement plan of some sort. I read about people doing that in the slight edge and it sounded like a good idea if I can find something to invest in. I took a yoga class today. It was really nice to get some yoga in. That's the first time I've done an hour flow in like forever. I'm trying to get back into yoga in the hopes that it'll fix up my insomnia. If it does I'll get going there more often. I can potentially go 3 days a week as I weight train 4 days. I'm wanting to read some posts rathe than write them today. 

I smiled at the beautiful tress and nature on a hike.

I accomplished finishing the book the way of the superior man.

I am grateful for books, game quitters, GQ podcast, cam, Jason wellwood and James Good and my family

God bless

Erik. 

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37 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

@BooksandTrees Thanks so much for your post. I think you might be onto something with the Christian group and my socializing. I have schizoaffective disorder and when I get offended sometimes I get like way too offended. The other day my mom said something like, 'You can't handle anything. You can't even work a full time job.' Which is kind of true, I do only work 22 hours a week. But I got so upset that I was going to stop talking to her until my dad talked me out of it. God bless them. Maybe the same thing is happening with the Christian group. Maybe they are okay and I just need to try to go through the struggle of getting offended, being uncomfortable etc with them. Two side notes. I sometimes think people are exuding negative energy and it's like 'killing me' or 'stressing me out' so I'll go and isolate in my room to 'hide from others energy'. It honestly prevents me from going to populated places. Also there's this ridiculously fit and social guy in the Bible group. And the girls seem like they're trying to flirt with him unsuccessfully. While I try to flirt with them unsuccessfully. It's pretty sad and has led me to start getting into the reading on how to talk to girls and all that. I think I seriously might give the group yet another try. Maybe I'm just freaking out and over reacting to this and the group isn't so bad. Everything wasn't like completely terrible for two weeks there... Thanks for appreciating me, I appreciate you too. 

I'm glad I could relate here. This is something that you know you're going to have to work harder on than the average person. I'm wondering if you can develop a strategy with your therapist for how to handle criticism if you haven't already. For example, with what your mom said to you, your response could be something like "You have a point, but that's something I'm going to be working on. I'm going to change and be able to not get as offended. It won't be easy at first, but I will try and I will succeed."

I think your Christian group is fine, but it's going to take a few group sessions to recover from your current situation. My thoughts are that people love getting a rise out of others. Think about trolls on internet forums, YouTube, and gaming communities. They'll say anything offensive to piss you off because they get a dopamine rush out of it. Your reaction gives them the dopamine rush. Remember how you got stressed and went to video games to escape? These trolls get stressed or bored and turn to bullying and harassment as escape because it distracts them from their own boredom or issues. Now go back to your church group. Church is really boring to most people. It might not be to you, but it might be boring to this woman. She might be trying to get a rise out of you because she thinks it is funny. It could also be a way of flirtation. She might even be slightly interested in you and just trying to see what kind of man you are. Some women and some men "bust each other's balls". They could also just be rude to you because they don't want you flirting with them. As a male, you're expected to make the first move. It's something that's done in the animal kingdom and the history of the world so I don't want any feminists yelling at me for saying that. They might be pushing you away to prevent flirting. It's going to happen. I am pretty good looking and I get rejected all of the time. It's just something you're going to have to accept and say "whelp, next time I'll meet someone better" and just move on.

It seems you're going to this group to find friends and also find comfort with the hobby. It's going to be compelling to see women at these groups because you are looking for a woman and you're in your peak mating years. It's going to be hard to avoid your emotions. Just welcome them and don't make it all about the dating. I would go into that group and just act calm and relaxed. I wouldn't talk too much or too little. Observe how often others talk and find a good balance there. I'd be quiet at first and just see how often others talk and what the flow of the group is for that time. Then you'll be able to figure out when to tell jokes, say something meaningful, or relate to a bible reading through a personal, but not too personal, story about your life that has a positive tone to it. People are attracted to positivity, kindness, intelligence, and humor. Use those to your advantage. 

As for when your mom or dad says mean things to you I encourage you to pause, close your eyes for a moment, take a deep breath, and focus on your breathing for 10 seconds. 1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, ....

Then ask them to calmly pause what they're saying and level with you. This is your time to explain to them how their words make you feel and ask them the true intentions of their words. Treat this like a mathematical equation. Their words = your reaction. Figure out the variables here. What are they saying to you? How can you explain to them how you feel? 

This can be done through calmness.

This will be your training. After some deep training for a few months you might find that this could have impacted your relationship with your sister and see if that can improve, but don't rush that side yet.

Once again, I'm not a professional, but these are just suggestions I'm making based on the experiences you've written about. I'm obviously not a doctor, but I think they make sense.

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7 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

@Ikar Hey, I just finished The Way of the superior man. It was actually pretty good. In hindsight I was on a ton of substances when I was trying to read it before. I was REALLY messed up on substances at the time. It's mostly just a book on how to love your woman and embrace your divine masculine self. It lays out all the facets of masculine and feminine sides of self. Then challenges you to embody them in your relationship. I like how he talks about trying to help your lover get into a better mood if they're in a bad mood. Honestly my favorite reading on relationships so far has been The 5 Love Languages. I use them all the time to love my mom better. She wants acts of service and I'll be like give me words of affirmation I'll move the boxes for your acts of service. It goes well.

I remember I did a test named "The 5 Love Languages" some 18 months ago, but I think the landscape shifted on me so radically afterwards that the results I got from it are not valid anymore, much like the MBTI testing. I guess there is a test inside the book as well?

7 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I'm probably going to give Models and Mr. Nice guy another try. They're so well renowned even @Cam Adair recommended that I read them for finding a girlfriend/friends. I know it's partially the schizoaffective disorder (shizophrenia/depression) messing with me when I feel unable to read them. It's like I feel like after I read them I become 'evil' or 'mean' and I'm not as able to be nice and patient with other people. It was kind of scary to see myself act like that so I didn't get past the second chapters. Still maybe I'll press on...again.

I can confirm both the books are not actively trying to pursue you to become mean or evil 😄 All they do is to remind you to put yourself first, however it's sometimes not obvious what is the best way to do that. I think Peterson once hypothesized that, if it was a choice, losing mom or losing an arm both take a part of "you", but it's hard to tell which loss is "bigger", so sacrificing your arm for your mom might be actually putting yourself first.

I also want to point out that @BooksandTrees posted a great reply, at least in my eyes.

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Day 110 NF 79 Np 64 Med 50

@BooksandTrees @Ikar

thanks for your replies I have no time today but will get back to you soon.

Positives: my home gym is built! I drank lotsa water and ate healthy. I got my work hours in. Today was a good day. I just used my after work time to build my home gym since the gym is closed. So I have less time than usual to post.

I smiled at stranger things. 
I accomplished working and gyming

I am grateful for my gym floor mats blue buttons and my too small shoes

God bless

Erik

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Day 111 NF 80 Np 65 Med 51

@BooksandTrees Thanks for your thoughts. I think it's all good ideas on how to deal with groups in general, rejection and my family. I tried the Mississippi thing, I think it worked to clam me down. With the using logical self talk for dealing with criticism I could definitely use some help in that area. I always struggle with criticism or ball busting. Is there something you suggest doing in addition to the deep breaths and counting to ten when people are criticizing me? I hope everything works out. 

@Ikar yes I thought Books reply was good too. I like your anecdote about losing an arm or your mom. It isn't always a clear cut decision as to what's putting ourselves first. 

Positive post: I don't think I'm actually going to continue with the Christian group. I'm thinking about going to look at a Buddhism and an anime group when the corona virus clears up. The 5 love languages is pretty good stuff for relationships. But it's not really going to help you that much with finding a date. My sister's a scary person to interact with. She's can be critical and negative at times. Even my mom said 'she's so negative' yesterday when my sis was trump/government bashing. When I talk to her I feel my self-esteem eroding. It's kind of similar to gaming in that sense. Honestly I felt like online dating did the same thing to me. 

Speaking of dating. I think I'm too depressed and otherwise neurotic to be dating. I am down to read books on the subject, but I don't think I'm ready to be putting myself out there much at all. Even if I did I wouldn't know where to go to try to meet people. I'm still seeing clients, but one of their parents was concerned that I might transmit the virus because I see people throughout the week. If the virus spreads to our area I'll stay in, otherwise I'm going to work. That's the call my employer made and I'll stick with it. 

I smiled at my bench press increasing/stranger things.

I accomplished my front load of the week.

I am grateful for my family, friends, clients pets, good health and acquaintances.

God bless

Erik

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49 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

I always struggle with criticism or ball busting. Is there something you suggest doing in addition to the deep breaths and counting to ten when people are criticizing me? I hope everything works out. 

I take a deep breath or zone out at the ground for a moment and listen to their words. I hear what they're saying and try to think about their position they're speaking from. It's like drinking an ice cold glass of water that's too cold to enjoy. You kind of hold onto it for a moment, let it warm up, swallow it in pieces, and then breathe a bit.

I think this is only done by choosing your strategies. You have more anger towards your parents for criticizing you so if it becomes heated you might have to say you need a few moments to calm down before continuing. Then do the two sided discussion. I also think since you're better acquainted with them you can discuss future strategies. These strategies for conversation will help you feel better about receiving any criticism from them. That will give you strength and you'll be able to handle it better from people in society like the church girl.

For strangers it's going to have to be a mix of self reflection, whether or not you said something that could trigger a bad response, or if they're being a jerk. You could be kind for the next 15 appointments and she could be a jerk still. At that point you bring the confrontation to her from a level of calmness and ask what the issue is. Let them speak. See if you can agree and relate to them through that, then show how you have been changing and that it hurts your feelings that they're bothering you.

I wouldn't go deep like that with strangers off the bat. This takes a long time to develop the awareness to have those discussions.

Right now just practice the breathing. Then you can practice taking criticism and letting it hit you. You can filter out the truths vs bull shit like a kitchen strainer. Hold onto the truths and see if you can learn a little from it. You can relate to them and see if improving your actions can improve a situation. If nothing is your fault, then it's on them. 

The other time is sometimes you can do your best and it never works. I think I'm an expert at speaking to people and understanding social situations and that one person just hates me and can't communicate to me what their problem is. I can't help that. After some weeks I build the strength to not let it phase me and I move forward.

You're doing great. I'm glad you spoke with your parents. Let this be your beginnings to a new form of strength.

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7 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

The 5 love languages is pretty good stuff for relationships. But it's not really going to help you that much with finding a date.

It's alright, NMMNG isn't explicitly about where to find a date either.

7 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Speaking of dating. I think I'm too depressed and otherwise neurotic to be dating. I am down to read books on the subject, but I don't think I'm ready to be putting myself out there much at all. Even if I did I wouldn't know where to go to try to meet people.

That's OK as well. I sometimes enjoy just watching people in groups or pairs interact with each other. Unless you start going to bars, you are probably meeting your future dates via work and hobbies. You have to choose the right venues for yourself, but you can obviously try new ones if you feel that something has sparked your interest.

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Day 112 NF 81 Np 66 Med 52

@BooksandTrees thanks for your input. I am glad I'm on good terms with my parents again and I'm improving at dealing with criticism from them. My mom said she was sorry she hurt my feelings. I don't think she means to be hurtful she just gets stressed at night sometimes and I've got to hide from her or risk getting burned like I did. It's not ideal, but all I can do is accept her and work with how she is. I can't change her really. 

@Ikar Good point on the venues and work. I can always checkout new venues just to see if I can meet some new people. I lost the nerve to read those books, but I found other ones that I'm trying out. Right now I'm on conversation Casanova which is at least readable. I also found one by a christian dating coach that might workout too. 

Well today was one of my three days off. I only work 23 hours a week so I have three days off. It's pretty chill. I think I'll be getting up to thirty hours soon. I'd be okay with it if I just work about 34-40 hours a week. I'd get my full time and hours towards licensure. After reading about having a purpose and not making women your number one priority. I feel much more solid in my pursuit of my career, hobbies and spirituality. They feel like they aren't going anywhere regardless of where my dating life is at. I don't want to lose my life to a demanding girlfriend who demands I spend all my time with her like last time. The next time I date I'm going to make sure I prioritize my life before the girl I'm dating. She'll still be important, but won't become my life's purpose. 

Reading that back I'm pretty brainwashed sounding. I read a lot today. On that note, I'm really enjoying my mom's kindle. I'm glad I bought it for her all those years ago. She's really good to me. I'm grateful for her. Thinking about the corvid-19 I keep praying that my family stays safe and doesn't get the virus. I don't know what I'd do if my mom died. My functioning is largely dependent upon her caring for me as she does. Without her I don't talk to anyone else in person outside of work. Ah I forgot about positive posting....

positive post: I went on a great walk today. Now I know a new trail near my house. It's super secluded and goes along a gigantic river. It's so beautiful. I hope to bring friends and a gf there someday.

I smiled at the super fine drawing of Hinata in episode 270 (I think) of Naruto Shippuden. 

I accomplished walking a new trail near my house and not going crazy on my whole day off at home basically.

I am grateful for hot water, herbal tea, Hygge, my hygge krog, my office, medications and my family.

God bless

Erik

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Day 113 NF 82 Np 67 Med 53

Positive post: Oh man it's hard to stay positive right now. I wasn't exactly happy with going to group therapy, but going there had somewhat miraculously made me stop being suicidal. Now it's a battle everyday to not slip into feeling like I want to die again or just depression. I'm reading the proverbs and psalms each day and that's helping a lot. I woke up thinking about how to make my life heaven on earth because I won't get to go to heaven for a while most likely. I take pretty good care of myself with my diet, exercise and spiritual practice. I want to do something to be more of a 'producer' and not just a 'consumer'. So I think I might try spending a Pomodoro 25 minutes on singing each day. That'd be a nice thing to do perhaps. I think that's about the only artistic thing I could do. Everything else is too upsetting to me to do for long periods of time. Trying to draw today made me feel all messed up. Like I couldn't hardly get through the next moment. Hopefully singing works out though.

I only have to work like a couple hours a day over Skype and that counts for 5-6 hours of work with the new Telehealth system we're on to prevent corona virus. I'd honestly rather be working my regular job. I miss going to see clients and getting to interact with humans other than my mom. I don't know if the Buddhism meetup would workout for me because my main religious interest is in reading the Holy Bible. And I'm not that into reading buddhism lately. But the anime meetup might workout. Other than that there are mindfulness meetups and maybe even Qi Gong to lookout for. It's kind of slim pickings for my prospects to join groups once corona subsides, but I'm not giving up on the hope of finding people to socialize with just yet. God help me.

I smiled at the quiet night outside. 

I accomplished my first day of Skyping clients.

I am grateful for myself, my mom, dad, medication, mousepad, sleep book, odin book, bible, notebook, practicum hours.

God bless

Erik

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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 113 NF 82 Np 67 Med 53

Positive post: Oh man it's hard to stay positive right now. I wasn't exactly happy with going to group therapy, but going there had somewhat miraculously made me stop being suicidal. Now it's a battle everyday to not slip into feeling like I want to die again or just depression. I'm reading the proverbs and psalms each day and that's helping a lot. I woke up thinking about how to make my life heaven on earth because I won't get to go to heaven for a while most likely. I take pretty good care of myself with my diet, exercise and spiritual practice. I want to do something to be more of a 'producer' and not just a 'consumer'. So I think I might try spending a Pomodoro 25 minutes on singing each day. That'd be a nice thing to do perhaps. I think that's about the only artistic thing I could do. Everything else is too upsetting to me to do for long periods of time. Trying to draw today made me feel all messed up. Like I couldn't hardly get through the next moment. Hopefully singing works out though.

I only have to work like a couple hours a day over Skype and that counts for 5-6 hours of work with the new Telehealth system we're on to prevent corona virus. I'd honestly rather be working my regular job. I miss going to see clients and getting to interact with humans other than my mom. I don't know if the Buddhism meetup would workout for me because my main religious interest is in reading the Holy Bible. And I'm not that into reading buddhism lately. But the anime meetup might workout. Other than that there are mindfulness meetups and maybe even Qi Gong to lookout for. It's kind of slim pickings for my prospects to join groups once corona subsides, but I'm not giving up on the hope of finding people to socialize with just yet. God help me.

I smiled at the quiet night outside. 

I accomplished my first day of Skyping clients.

I am grateful for myself, my mom, dad, medication, mousepad, sleep book, odin book, bible, notebook, practicum hours.

God bless

Erik

Do you like to read other books? I found a great deal of freedom while reading some fantasy books because I could escape from my problems in a healthy way without being addicted. I'm sorry you're feeling depressed. I think you're at a point where most of your habits seem good, but maybe there's some sort of fun and escape you're not doing. I sometimes think the self improvement process is difficult because it infects your life. You start to always be aware of your issues and it becomes a burden. That's why a lot of people relapse with gaming when they try to fix everything else in their lives. 

Do you have an outlet besides working out? Singing is a good one and it's pretty fun. I just wonder if you're allowing yourself to have any fun during this new life of yours. I didn't allow myself to have fun until I started rock climbing almost 35 weeks into my recovery. 

You got this.

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@BooksandTrees I tried to have fun, but for some reason I just don't feel well when I do fantasy books, poetry, instruments, or drawing. Singing is like on the borderline of discomfort that's possibly the only thing I might be able to do, but I usually feel so tired all the time I don't want to do anything. I just read the Bible and sometimes I'll watch a tv show. That's about all I do outside of work, exercise, meditation and prayer. Maybe I'll give singing another try.

Day 114 NF 83 Np 68 Med 54

Positive post: I read some book on Norse Mythology today and I felt bad after. I think I'm just going to read Christian religion books. The come down is happening. I go through the same cycle of trying to push my anxiety, realizing nothing's going to give. Then accepting my life without all those fun things I used to love. Spending most of my free time reading the Bible with the occasional self help or other christian book. My ideas for other things to do are singing and having a paper journal. I've always felt comfortable journaling on paper, I just never stuck with it. Doing barbell rows in the living room is kind of sketchy. I don't like dropping the weight down on the floor. I'm concerned it might break the floor. So I'm going to try the rows where you're kind of standing more upright with it rather than the pendlay style. 

I'm still getting all my work hours in. It's mind numbing to Skype with people all day, but that's what my job is for now. God willing this pandemic will be over soon and I can go back to work. 

I smiled at God.

I accomplished my work for the day.

I am grateful for my hands, weight training, walking, warm weather, nature, clean air, and my accordion folder.

God bless

Erik

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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

@BooksandTrees I tried to have fun, but for some reason I just don't feel well when I do fantasy books, poetry, instruments, or drawing. Singing is like on the borderline of discomfort that's possibly the only thing I might be able to do, but I usually feel so tired all the time I don't want to do anything. I just read the Bible and sometimes I'll watch a tv show. That's about all I do outside of work, exercise, meditation and prayer. Maybe I'll give singing another try.

I'm going to write about this in my journal.

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