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Erik2.0

Erik's Daily Journal - A Better Life

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Day 45 NF 14

Two weeks NF yay!! 🎈 

Well. I seem to feel a lot better when no one pressures me to game and tells me I’m not aS good an employee for not gaming. So today was nice in that regard.

 

The fabric of my mental health feels kind of thin. Like it could tear easier than I’d like. I’m feeling like I just want to do my weights cardio and a little yoga for exercise. I recently tried out basketball and swimming. While they were fun I don’t really want to detract from my focus on weight training. I felt really tired from the swimming today and unable to go lift. We’ll see what happens of course.

Im wanting to go try out a fantasy writing group. While it’s kind of early in the day for me, I can still do it. I guess it’s just a matter of reading and writing some fantasy now . Hehe. 
 

I watch a good amount of tv and I like sitting on my couch. I dunno if I really want to leave that comfort for fantasy novels. But it would be nice to be around other people. It’s a lonely life when the only people you see are your mom and work related. I pretty regularly feel alone depressed and anxious just sitting around the house watching tv. Still I’m glad I’m not just laying in bed. It’s an improvement from my bottom when everything was overwhelming for my anxiety.

God bless

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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Day 46 NF 15

I feel kind of alone on here and in life sometimes. Maybe I am but maybe it’s not so bad. The gyms good, my parents care about me. I’m getting into therapy so we’ll see how that goes. My clients still ask me to game with them and are sad I don’t game with them. So that’s hard but idk it’s not unbearable. 
God bless

Erik

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45 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 46 NF 15

I feel kind of alone on here and in life sometimes. Maybe I am but maybe it’s not so bad. The gyms good, my parents care about me. I’m getting into therapy so we’ll see how that goes. My clients still ask me to game with them and are sad I don’t game with them. So that’s hard but idk it’s not unbearable. 
God bless

Erik

It takes time to connect to people on this website. I even complain about it in my thread lol. The community isn't as much of a community as it used to be back in 2018 and early 2019. But I won't open that debate anymore, so I don't want anyone commenting on this part of what I wrote since it took up maybe 20 journal entries on my diary. I'm just saying I agree with you.

Don't be sad that your clients are sad you don't game with them. They're asking you out of selfishness to make themselves feel better. When you reject it you're only rejecting their selfishness. Do you hang out with them in real life outside of appointments? Are they important to you at all? They basically mean nothing to you in life and you're just doing your job helping them. So don't hinder your gaming addiction recovery for their sake. That's just hurting your progress and hurting you socially as well.

Therapy is good if you're seeking it as well. I'm not sure if that's the focus of your third sentence or if you're just getting more excited about your job.

What are you doing for social activities? 

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@BooksandTrees
 

Oh no I meant I’m going to see a therapist for myself next week. I see your point with my clients. They don’t really care if I have addiction so long as they have someone to play with. It is a selfish request In that way . I can continue to keep in touch and befriend clients after I stop working with them although I haven’t chosen to do so so far. You’re probably right with gaming again messing up my social life and recovery in general. Another eight months and I can probably move to an office setting therapy job. Hopefully I can move to something where I don’t get pressured to game with like the platform right there. Still this site helps me stay off games. 
 

Im trying to checkout a meetup for fantasy writing and go to church. Hopefully my sleep improves and it’s not so hard to get up and meet someplace at 10am on a Saturday .

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Day 47 NF 16 NP 1 Meditation 1

Just to be clear I’ve meditated pretty consistently for about three or four years. I just haven’t kept track of the days since I first established the habit. I’d like to keep a log of it and see how many day’s I can go with at least five minutes logged.

Today was difficult with my client who insisted on playing some form of game albeit non video the whole session. I eventually refused and he wasn’t too happy about my not playing a card game with him. It’s necessary though. He’s got to learn boundaries and I needed a break. They’ll learn to share time hopefully he seems to be doing better than the last one. 
 

I keep hearing about other employers giving better perks but I don’t think I’ll look for a new job. I’m becoming a somewhat resilient and consistent counselor. I keep showing up so praise god I give him all the glory. 
 

Im wanting to go to the gym but it’s so crowded after work and especially New Years rush now. It’s okay though the New Years vibe is kind of cool. It makes me feel like I can do anything. NP is not popping any pimples. My dermatologist told me to just apply stuff to them instead and let them be. So yeah I’m putting that up here because it’s been a problem for me.

 

Im seriously sticking to just weights and cardio. When I do other sports I end up getting too tired and don’t have energy to lift which is my main focus for exercise. I used to lift a lot back in undergrad and I feel like I’ve fallen back into it. I like it and I’m healthier about it now as I do cardio and don’t overeat. I feel the best after weight lifting With some cardio and yoga after. Swimming and kickboxing always made me feel too agitated after. Man I’m thinking about this a lot. Well I’ll just keep focusing on my weights cardio and yoga. Then see what happens from there.
 

God bless

Erik

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On 1/7/2020 at 9:51 PM, Erik2.0 said:

Day 45 NF 14

Two weeks NF yay!! 🎈 

Well. I seem to feel a lot better when no one pressures me to game and tells me I’m not aS good an employee for not gaming. So today was nice in that regard.

 

The fabric of my mental health feels kind of thin. Like it could tear easier than I’d like. I’m feeling like I just want to do my weights cardio and a little yoga for exercise. I recently tried out basketball and swimming. While they were fun I don’t really want to detract from my focus on weight training. I felt really tired from the swimming today and unable to go lift. We’ll see what happens of course.

Im wanting to go try out a fantasy writing group. While it’s kind of early in the day for me, I can still do it. I guess it’s just a matter of reading and writing some fantasy now . Hehe. 
 

I watch a good amount of tv and I like sitting on my couch. I dunno if I really want to leave that comfort for fantasy novels. But it would be nice to be around other people. It’s a lonely life when the only people you see are your mom and work related. I pretty regularly feel alone depressed and anxious just sitting around the house watching tv. Still I’m glad I’m not just laying in bed. It’s an improvement from my bottom when everything was overwhelming for my anxiety.

God bless

Erik

Hey Erik. Keep at it. You've already made it a month and a half without gaming, and then threw No Fap on top of it. That's great! 

If you keep with these small changes, you'll start surprising yourself with how much you've changed by the end of the year. Just a thought on the loneliness part, is there any small habits you can start that would help get you around other people more and making more connections?

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@DaBest thank you 🙏! I do think I’m doing better now than I was six weeks ago with accomplishing real life stuff. I’ll try to keep with the changes. This is the best I’ve done on nofap like ever. I’m grateful for your support and this site. I’ll be trying to make it to a 10am meetup on Saturday for fantasy writing. Hopefully I make it and it goes well. Church would be the next day at 1030am. I can socialize a bit there and they have a young adults group that meets weekdays. I’ve been reading Buddhist books too but I’m kind of like what’s the point if I’m just going to do christian stuff anyways hehe. Well it’s still got good info in it I suppose.

@WhatAboutToday? thanks! I never felt able to stick with quitting till I found this site so I’m lucky to be here. The pimples thing is hard. Have you thought about trying NP. If you can’t afford to see a dermatologist there’s a site called cureology that sells dermatology meds for like 20$ a month too. 

 

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36 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

thanks! I never felt able to stick with quitting till I found this site so I’m lucky to be here. The pimples thing is hard. Have you thought about trying NP. If you can’t afford to see a dermatologist there’s a site called cureology that sells dermatology meds for like 20$ a month too. 

I think I will give it a try, thanks for the suggestion! I use some dermatology meds on a daily basis, that's a habit that I want to incorporate in my daily routine.

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@WhatAboutToday?Oh yeah my skins a lot better since seeing and getting meds regularly from my dermatologist. You don’t need that website if you see a dermatologist. Let’s take care ourselves better, go team!

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Day 47 NF 16 NP 0 Meditation 2

Heyy so my streaks are going well. I scratched at my ear this morning so that resets NP. Referees ruling there. Haha. 
 

Quitiing gaming is still tough! My clients want me to game with them but I’m resisting. My supervisor may have implied that I’m someone who has an addiction to it and it’s best that I don’t play. 
 

I like to think that my life is better since I stopped gaming. I’m pushing myself to do soo many things I never did before like watch tv, exercise, join meetups, go to church, and write fantasy. Even play dungeons and dragons and watch anime. 
 

That list used to just be comprised of one word, “gaming”.

So...

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7 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 47 NF 16 NP 0 Meditation 2

Heyy so my streaks are going well. I scratched at my ear this morning so that resets NP. Referees ruling there. Haha. 
 

Quitiing gaming is still tough! My clients want me to game with them but I’m resisting. My supervisor may have implied that I’m someone who has an addiction to it and it’s best that I don’t play. 
 

I like to think that my life is better since I stopped gaming. I’m pushing myself to do soo many things I never did before like watch tv, exercise, join meetups, go to church, and write fantasy. Even play dungeons and dragons and watch anime. 
 

That list used to just be comprised of one word, “gaming”.

So...

I think that you're going to have to be firm with your clients that you're not going to game with them. It's honestly like helping a recovering drug addict who wants you to shoot heroin with them, especially if you were a former addict. Fuck them, no offense. It's your life and your challenge.

Keep up the good work. I think the fantasy writing group is a good idea. I've been doing that with friends for a cartoon I've been writing. I've enjoyed it.

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Agreed with @BooksandTrees... I have a hard time with it too. All my close friends from my past are nerds who play a lot of videogames and watch a lot of movies/TV/consume a lot of media. Some of them are able to do it responsibly. Some are not. Even at my IT university now, most of the guys I talk to game on some level, and may have one or two games they are fairly serious about (a competitive shooter for example). They all express disbelief at my claims it's dangerous for me and that I literally cannot play AT ALL.

But it's not unlike alcoholism. There's loads of people who drink in moderation. But some people are alcoholics. That said, if a 'normal' drinker expresses disbelief to an alcoholic ''Aww why not just one drink at the pub on Friday?", THEY'RE the jackass, not the alcoholic. The lack of respect for your problem is on them, not you. Don't let them weaken your resolve. At the end of the day, you know what's best for yourself.

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@BooksandTrees I won’t game with them. I might not even permit them to show me their games or for a limited time if so.

@ElectroNugget I understand what you mean when you say they’re the jerk for not respecting my sobriety. I just can’t play because I have gaming disorder or am Ana edict however you want to put it

Day 48 NF 17 NP 0 Med 3

I listened to the podcast by the marathon runner on here. It made me want to spend more time off electronics. And to keep a paper journal. I started on antidepressants today so that’s a good thing. I’m starting to get at least thirty minutes of cardio a day to try to sleep better. It seemed to help a bit when I did it yesterday. I’m also thinking I’ll sleep earlier. Got to make due with what you have. 
 

God bless

Erik

 

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On 1/6/2020 at 9:43 PM, Erik2.0 said:

Day 44 NF 13 Sober 1yr 4months

”A Fork in the Road.”

So my clients I have now both want me to game with them. One of them pretty much begged me to play with him today. 😭. I feel like I don’t know what to do. If I play games with him then I lose this forum. And this forum has helped me become more serious about keeping on with my hobbies and pushing myself to join social groups. I felt happy quitting gaming until now . . . 
If I game with my clients they’ll be happier and work will go better. But who knows what’ll happen to my personal life. I could easily become addicted to gaming for hours a day again. Even if I moderate I don’t know if I’ll be happy. This site has been the only thing that ever allowed me to quit gaming and do nofap. 😞  

If I stick with GQ though my clients will always have some discontentment with me because I don’t game with them..... it sucks. Either there’s a rock in my shoe at work or there’s a monkey on my back at home. I guess I’ll go with the rock in my shoe. 
 

The pressure from my client to game is really causing me significant distress. I need to be medicated. My anti anxiety pills are supposed to arrive in a few days. Trying to keep it together while I’m recovering from a suicidal episode is heavy. 
 

p.s. I tried to talk to my mom about work stress. She shamed me for being on gamequitters and finding support here. She said, “That’s weird you rely on a forum for support. I only rely on myself.” Sometimes I really can’t talk to her about things that don’t fit with her view of the world. I think being in an online community is just too new age of an idea for her. Oh well. What can I do. This is why I have no relationship with her. She’s always putting me down and doubting me. 

God bless 

Erik

Erik what is the nature of your counselling work? Is it specifically addicts helping addicts or something? It seems to me there's a lack of respect for what you do from your clients. They don't seem to understand why they're there. Are they there voluntarily? I'd love to hear more about this.

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@seriousjay I’m like their friend mentor person. So of course they want a friend who plays games and thus they tend to be disappointed that I don’t game with them . 

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Day 49 NF 18 Np 1 med 4

im feeling kind of tired of screen time. I’m wanting to break from it but still watched tv because I don’t know it’s a habit. I’m still pretty sleepy but that’s just become my life for now. I’m trying to get cardio in to sleep better. It seems to be helping some. 

 

God bless

Erik

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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

@seriousjay I’m like their friend mentor person. So of course they want a friend who plays games and thus they tend to be disappointed that I don’t game with them . 

This is where boundaries come in. You can be their friend and confidant. You can do other activities outside of gaming. But you have to draw the line at games. 
 

It’s tough when they are disappointed, but you should not internalize their feelings.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

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1 hour ago, Icandothis said:

This is where boundaries come in. You can be their friend and confidant. You can do other activities outside of gaming. But you have to draw the line at games. 
 

It’s tough when they are disappointed, but you should not internalize their feelings.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

Totally agree. The problem with even thinking about giving in to them is that it gives them justification to continue doing what they're doing. If they're there because they recognize that they have a problem but the person helping them has the same problem, it makes it hard to take the help seriously.

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@Icandothis I get it. I’m okay with drawing the line at gaming . I like the not internalizing their feelings about gaming idea. I can feel positive about quitting. 
 

Day 50 NF 19 Np 2 med 5

Well I’m making my way back up to 90 days. Today went well with my client. We took a long walk and watched tv. He didn’t push me to game or anything. Maybe, like me, they’ve accepted more that I’m not gaming. It’s just what works for me. 
 

I’m getting up early for a work meeting tomorrow. I may just come home and sleep after. Working out has been good and getting more cardio is helping me sleep better. I think my sisters going to get back into playing music late into the night. She stopped briefly when my whole family pressured her to . Well, I asked ... there isn’t much else I can do. If she doesn’t get assigned to move back to the west coast in March then I’ll try to move out. I’m saving my money as best I can in the hopes of moving eventually if my sis doesn’t leave. She just makes a lot of noise at night that keeps me up and has refused in the past to be quiet. So we’ll see. 
 

im grateful for my client and my mom who takes care of me. My dad who is there for me now. And my job which while difficult is the best job I’ve had.

God bless

Erik

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Day 51 NF 20 Np 3 med 6

I want to just try writing only positives and see how it goes. 
 

Im still working. I’m fighting to keep a client on board so I hope and pray that happens. I’m in good health. I’ll be seeing a therapist and psychiatrist soon. That’s nice. I’m getting along better with my sister now. I’m making a commitment to spend more time reading books because I think that’s generally better for me than watching tv. Although I’m okay with watching tv. I’m hopeful that drawing, writing or some other hobby will manifest so I can have more things to do with my free time . 

Im grateful for my job, my faith, and Christian music which I’ll start trying to sing more often in the day time. 

God bless us one and all 

Erik

 

 

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Day 52 NF 21 Np 4 med 7

I tried out creative again and that was a bust. I’m trying out a new church hopefully that’ll work out, wel see. The gyms been good to me. I’d like to buy a workout routine from a YouTube person but idk that’s expensive 40$. 
 

My sleeps improved since I started getting cardio everyday. Thank god. 
 

God bless

Erik

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First of all. I can see you fighting. I can slowly but surely see you transform into a different person. I have nothing but respect for that. 🙂 Howver, I would not spend that money on a workout routine. I think all the information are out there for free. It is really about just doing it. Even if you do it badly at first. You will improve and learn over time anyway. And I often see you trying out things and then thinking about them as busts, if they did not plan out the way you wanted. Which makes me wonder: What do you expect from activities like drawing or creativity? I did something similar many years ago. For like half a year, I was barely gaming and really spend a lot of time drawing. And guess what: I was terrible at it. xD I think I learned some skills and for me it turned out to be a nice hobby. Maybe it is just my thing a bit. However, I not only once started writing a book. This is the closest thing for me, which I would call a "bust". I have absolutlely no talent for that and I really suck. I am even not really reading books anymore, like I used to do like 15 years ago. Maybe over time with not gaming anymore that passion will come back. If not, who cares. 

My point is: If you try to fill a hole with something like drawing, you suck at first. For quite some time. I mean, you can study this in universities. It will also not fill the hole the same way, gaming did. There are no scores, no graphical motivations. Nothing. Just you and that piece of paper. If it is not something that gives you good vibes, don't do it. Instead, do something that helps you pursue your goals. Whatever your goals are. For me, I have this huge goal to take care of myself, like I would take care of another person, I am responsible for. So I really adressed my diet, worked on my self discipline, beat procrastination and work on my social skills. Those goals can give you a good direction, if you think about them. And then you just jump right into the process and focus on becoming that person that you always wanted to be. That you have to be in order to have the life you want. Become a new person and leave your old life behind. You can do it man! xD
And remember: Fail! Fail big time! If you are scared and you are failing, it means you are on the right track. Expand your comfort zone. 🙂

Edited by Alexanderle
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@Alexanderle thanks for your post. I do start and stop things a lot. Mostly it’s due to injuries or anxiety. Maybe with medication and therapy I’ll be able to do more hobbies wise like draw again. Working out is working out though so that’s kind of enough for me for now. I would like to expand my comfort zone if I can do it safely. I expect things to be comfortable and safe enough for me to feel okay continuing them. Most things cause me too much anxiety type discomfort to keep doing. 

 

I like how you took taking care of yourself seriously. I’d like to do the same. I think eating less sugar and junk food would be the way to go. I could keep watching videos on social skills. 
 

Day 53 NF 22 Np 5 med 8

Well today was pretty good. I got to exercise and didn’t have to work. Then I got some clothes and groceries with my mom. I’ve gained some fat but don’t totally know how to get it off. I think cutting sugar and eating more home cooked meals is best. Well maybe a little sugar. 
 

I’m moving towards finishing practicum hours. I started the class for it now I’m just waiting for my teacher to send me paperwork to legitimatize my hours. Then I’ll be done with practicum hours and apply to be a resident and start being able to accrue those hours towards licensure. It’s a long journey with a lot of hurdles to get over but I’m doing it. I’ll keep going. I hope my work goes well enough.

God bless
Erik

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@Alexanderle Great post! I'm glad I got to remind myself the some of the basics of self-care and attitude towards failure after reading your post.

@Erik2.0 If you can, try to find other like-minded individuals who share your interest, in order to ease your anxiety in that particular area, even if you are both just starting out. It can be drawing, working out or going out, whatever, but once you team up with somebody else, you gain extra incentive to do these things again and not back down. I find this especially effective if you already have some kind of a foothold in the area on your own (i.e. working out, but irregularly or reading about social skills, but not going out enough), rather than conjuring up a plan to be great in something you have never done before.

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