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TheNewMe2.0's Journal - A Better Life


TheNewMe2.0

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Day 62 NF 33 Np 16  Med 2

@Icandothis Thank you! Two months no gaming phew. I can replicate anime pictures. And I can sort of write poems. I would try writing fantasy but it's kind of overwhelming for me it's so vast. Although I like it. I think it'd be good for me to pick one and spend some time each day on it. I draw anime pictures for my clients sometimes and they appreciate it 🙂 .

I'm going to start watching my clients game some of the time, hopefully that goes okay. I'm happy I made two months without gaming and one month no fap. Even no pop is good too at two weeks. Meditation I've always done regularly, but I don't think I've done 30 consecutive days, usually I miss a few within the month. So this will be awesome to do 30 in a row. I would of course prefer not to see people game. But, it's sort of a thing we do to have them do therapy and then we do what they want some of the time. They're taking an interest in doing what I want so it's fair to do something they want. I don't have to play. I remember reading @Cam Adair post about someone relapsing because he started watching gaming. That's a little concerning for me. But, my supervisor basically told me to watch them game as a reward for doing therapy. Is watching something I can do without crossing that line into actually playing the game? If I feel overwhelmed with temptation I'll just see if they can not game while I'm there and ask my supervisor what to do. This one client is like . . . possibly unable to refrain from gaming for the 3 hours at a time I see him though. I'll text my supervisor tomorrow.

 

I'm reading the psalms. They're nice and soothing in a way. I'm trying to lose a little body fat by eating less. It's so easy to overeat after lifting weights, but I think I can eat less and continue training . I just have to get used to it. I'm watching videos by Jeff Nippard on YouTube on weight training. I'm also watching some game quitters videos and plan to listen to their podcasts while I do cardio tomorrow. My medication's weird, I'm getting off hydroxyzine. My anxiety with anime, poetry, cartoons, fantasy. That seems to be going okay. Although I felt like reading and writing fantasy was too big of a commitment for me to take on. I drew what I thought was a good pikachu today. Still got it! Ok it’s not perfect but I’m happy. I used to watch Naruto and try to draw the characters. It's probably my best artistic skill. Ironically watching and drawing anime gives me anxiety. But, I still managed to draw some today. If I keep trying to write poetry I'd get a small book and try to figure out what the templates are and stuff. I'd want to do that to connect with a friend of mine who's into it. 

I hope everyone's doing well. That all your game quitting is working out and you're living wonderful, fulfilling lives.

God Bless

Erik

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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 62 NF 33 Np 16  Med 2

@Icandothis Thank you! Two months no gaming phew. I can replicate anime pictures. And I can sort of write poems. I would try writing fantasy but it's kind of overwhelming for me it's so vast. Although I like it. I think it'd be good for me to pick one and spend some time each day on it. I draw anime pictures for my clients sometimes and they appreciate it 🙂 .

I'm going to start watching my clients game some of the time, hopefully that goes okay. I'm happy I made two months without gaming and one month no fap. Even no pop is good too at two weeks. Meditation I've always done regularly, but I don't think I've done 30 consecutive days, usually I miss a few within the month. So this will be awesome to do 30 in a row. I would of course prefer not to see people game. But, it's sort of a thing we do to have them do therapy and then we do what they want some of the time. They're taking an interest in doing what I want so it's fair to do something they want. I don't have to play. I remember reading @Cam Adair post about someone relapsing because he started watching gaming. That's a little concerning for me. But, my supervisor basically told me to watch them game as a reward for doing therapy. Is watching something I can do without crossing that line into actually playing the game? If I feel overwhelmed with temptation I'll just see if they can not game while I'm there and ask my supervisor what to do. This one client is like . . . possibly unable to refrain from gaming for the 3 hours at a time I see him though. I'll text my supervisor tomorrow.

 

I'm reading the psalms. They're nice and soothing in a way. I'm trying to lose a little body fat by eating less. It's so easy to overeat after lifting weights, but I think I can eat less and continue training . I just have to get used to it. I'm watching videos by Jeff Nippard on YouTube on weight training. I'm also watching some game quitters videos and plan to listen to their podcasts while I do cardio tomorrow. My medication's weird, I'm getting off hydroxyzine. My anxiety with anime, poetry, cartoons, fantasy. That seems to be going okay. Although I felt like reading and writing fantasy was too big of a commitment for me to take on. I drew what I thought was a good pikachu today. Still got it! Ok it’s not perfect but I’m happy. I used to watch Naruto and try to draw the characters. It's probably my best artistic skill. Ironically watching and drawing anime gives me anxiety. But, I still managed to draw some today. If I keep trying to write poetry I'd get a small book and try to figure out what the templates are and stuff. I'd want to do that to connect with a friend of mine who's into it. 

I hope everyone's doing well. That all your game quitting is working out and you're living wonderful, fulfilling lives.

God Bless

Erik

93201C9F-003C-49D9-99A2-FAEFC5075388.jpeg

I just started watching pokemon again. It's my favorite show as mentioned in my diary. Congrats on 2 months. 

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Day 63 NF 34 Np 17  Med 3

It's my new aim to post to forums right after the gym to get off technology before bedtime. Meditations going well since setting the timer. My workout advisor is saying to take rest days, that they're important. This is okay with me, but if I fully rest like, nothing but walking around and sitting. I'm going to have extra free time that I don't know what to do with. hmm . . . I guess I can read more. Maybe write a poem or draw anime. 

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Day 64 NF 35 Np 18  Med 4

I was reading @BooksandTrees post about finding balance. I feel like I don’t do that too well. I either watch no tv or too much. Maybe there’s some other way to occupy my time that’s more positive and productive. 
 

I just watched the office today. It was ok. I just felt reminded of how cam was saying its no good if you quit games and just watch Netflix. So I guess I’m still just looking for other things to do. I can learn stuff from YouTube . Maybe I could get into cooking.

I actually put in a request to permanently delete my league of legends account after watching the video on GQ. I feel good knowing it'll finally die. I think it'll be final in the beginning of march. My job's going good. I guess I just had a bad day because during intake my therapist asked if I watched tv or other things to distract myself in a healthy way. I then took that as a green light to go watch TV and started binging for a couple days. Coming back to write here on my laptop and watching some of the GQ videos I feel refreshed. I realize it's a lot better to spend time posting to these forums than it is to be watching TV. I hope the rest of my life just comes naturally. I know it's slow to develop. It's a marathon, not a sprint recovering. 

That being said working out has really been going well. Both my parents complimented me on my physique improving. I've been consistently going every day and although I don't lift everyday I still do cardio and yoga just about everyday. Except legs day it's really hard to do cardio after haha. When I was powerlifting my abdominal wall would hurt while using the belt. So I started lifting without it. Now my back's hurting from not using a belt. So I figure I'll try lifting with a belt again, but hopefully it won't hurt this time around because I'm only doing one exercise with the belt on twice a week. Before I would do three exercises a day three times a week using a weightlifting belt. So the volume is going from 9 to 2. Also I'm going to clamp it on the right side. Previously I would clamp it on the left and the left side would hurt. So I'm hoping this will balance out any potential abdomen compression from the belt. I'm really not putting the belt on tight. I don't know why it hurts my abs to use it, but I'm just really hoping I'll be able to at least squat with it on without pain. If I can do that much I can continue my workout program at the gym. 

I'm doing a 5 day modified 'bro split' from Jeff Nippard's YouTube channel. It's really got me doing a lot of exercises per day. Before I did his program I was doing a slightly less intense version of what he prescribes. It makes me wonder what the game quitters 'health mastery for normal not genetically gifted people' workout plan is all about. I don't want to pay money, maybe they'll give me a free one 😄❤️ 

God bless

Erik

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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

I realize it's a lot better to spend time posting to these forums than it is to be watching TV. I hope the rest of my life just comes naturally. I know it's slow to develop. It's a marathon, not a sprint recovering. 

I think that's true. Sometimes when I get to the point where I am making changes in my life, I tend to get excited to change more things, faster. I can get to excited, it first gives me a boost of energy (like a sprint) but it also makes the possibility of giving up in the long run bigger. I feel I have to develop a mindset that is more future resistance, more patient and committed. 

Thanks for your input. Keep up the good work!

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2 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I guess I just had a bad day because during intake my therapist asked if I watched tv or other things to distract myself in a healthy way. I then took that as a green light to go watch TV and started binging for a couple days.

Look at it this way:

You have been very strict on yourself removing multiple forms of pleasure while on this brief beginning on a long recovery. You have been very hard on yourself because of it. When you finally had a confidant communicate to you that you can give yourself a break, of course you indulged. You've experienced this with dieting, too, I'm guessing while you body build. You eat clean and then finally get a chance to have a cheat day and then eat way more than just 1 cookie. 

So it's natural that you wouldn't just watch one 20 minute show and say "oh, I'm good now". You're gonna enjoy it. The fact that you recognized that you watched too much means you set your limit. You know what is too much TV, but you also know you feel better sometimes when you watch TV. So this is how you judge it. Keep playing with amounts of times or days to watch. Don't set specific days to relax. Just recognize when you feel like you might need to relax and then set a time limit for that day only. Maybe only do 3 days a week or something.

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Day 65 NF 36 Np 19  Med 5

@Tomas @BooksandTrees @WhatAboutToday? Thank you guys for your encouragement and feedback. I will try to give myself a break with being allowed to watch some tv. As long as it's not too much. I really have cut back a lot on forms of pleasure in the past couple months. I'll keep adjusting my tv intake till it's at a level where I feel it's helpful for me.

My sister's moving out in a month so that'll probably help reduce my stress levels. I'm also going to a yin yoga class tonight which will be my first yoga class in months. I hope it goes well. Two of my clients are into collecting knives. It's making me want to get a knife too. *morbid disclaimer* But then I was told to get rid of my knife because I was having suicidal thoughts of killing myself with it. So I don't know if I'm ready to have a knife or if I will be at any point in time soon. I was told to check into a suicide prevention group 9 hours a week for three weeks. But, I didn't have time because I work so I'm doing 3 hours a week for three weeks instead. We'll learn about coping. I really hope I get something good and lasting from the group to help me cope better. It starts on Monday. Wish me luck 🙂 . 

 

I've been watching an episode or two of anime lately. It's a struggle for me because I really enjoy it. But, it's causing me anxiety so I've been feeling more anxious lately and it's kind of hard to deal with. I think I'm getting better about it. Like it's not as anxiety provoking as it was before. Drawing them is cool too, it used to be my peaceful time where I didn't think about much of anything. Creating things makes me thing about God and how he created us. He has such a tender heart for his creation. Always loving and forgiving. Caring and guiding.

God bless

Erik

 

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8 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Two of my clients are into collecting knives. It's making me want to get a knife too. *morbid disclaimer* But then I was told to get rid of my knife because I was having suicidal thoughts of killing myself with it. So I don't know if I'm ready to have a knife or if I will be at any point in time soon. I was told to check into a suicide prevention group 9 hours a week for three weeks. But, I didn't have time because I work so I'm doing 3 hours a week for three weeks instead. We'll learn about coping. I really hope I get something good and lasting from the group to help me cope better. It starts on Monday. Wish me luck 🙂 . 

Why did you have a knife in the first place? What was the purpose of it? Myself, I think basically anything can be used as a weapon, depending on how creative one is.

Good luck!

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17 hours ago, Ikar said:

Why did you have a knife in the first place? What was the purpose of it? Myself, I think basically anything can be used as a weapon, depending on how creative one is.

Good luck!

I got one for self-defense. Sure you can use anything for a weapon, but it takes less time to get out a knife from your pocket. I don't think I'll be getting one though.

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Day 66 NF 37 Np 20  Med 6

I'm increasing the severity of my No Pop. Instead of just not popping pimples I'm also not allowing for rubbing the skin hard enough to detach abrasions. I'll just have to make peace with it and apply medication. I guess I'm looking forward to group. I think I'm going to take the plunge on respawn. I hope it's worth the investment. I did superman holds today for my low back. It seems to already have had an effect on my low back pain that has been plaguing me. Maybe I won't even have to use a weight lifting belt after all. I'm glad I've got the superman holds and will continue doing them at least once a week. I forgot to do cardio today. I was just kind of adjusting to my new client so it's a lot to take in. I haven't figured out what he and I can do together aside from going on hikes and walking the mall. God help us. 

I'm grateful for

My mom and all that she does for me.

Food, water and shelter.

God. GQ, the few tv shows I can watch, my clients, work, and my school class. 

God bless

Erik

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2 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 66 NF 37 Np 20  Med 6

I'm increasing the severity of my No Pop. Instead of just not popping pimples I'm also not allowing for rubbing the skin hard enough to detach abrasions. I'll just have to make peace with it and apply medication. I guess I'm looking forward to group. I think I'm going to take the plunge on respawn. I hope it's worth the investment. I did superman holds today for my low back. It seems to already have had an effect on my low back pain that has been plaguing me. Maybe I won't even have to use a weight lifting belt after all. I'm glad I've got the superman holds and will continue doing them at least once a week. I forgot to do cardio today. I was just kind of adjusting to my new client so it's a lot to take in. I haven't figured out what he and I can do together aside from going on hikes and walking the mall. God help us. 

I'm grateful for

My mom and all that she does for me.

Food, water and shelter.

God. GQ, the few tv shows I can watch, my clients, work, and my school class. 

God bless

Erik

Do arts and crafts with the client.

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@BooksandTrees I agree with your idea. However, I have this bad feeling that comes over me when I do most things. Including all forms of art, most tv and books. It's a really bad feeling that worsens the more I do these things and causes my skin to breakout in acne when I do them. So my hands are kind of tied. I mostly am just able to go to the gym, go hiking, meditate, read christian/psychology books and run errands. Literally almost everything else I can not do because of this strange condition I have. I don't have a ton of hope for myself although maybe psychotherapy will help. Until some miracle of a breakthrough happens for me I'm stuck doing just about nothing. 

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Day 67 NF 38 Np 21  Med 7

If you read my previous reply to books and trees you know I'm severely limited in what I can do. I'm trying to stay focused on what I can do and stay positive about that. I'm doing respawn and reading the respawn book now. It's pretty cool so far. Although it's hard to be reminded of why I gamed in the first place. It's good to clarify the reasons why I don't game now. I'm also watching a youtube series on bodybuilding which is nice to learn about. I'm trying to reclaim my 5 compound lifts which I took a break from due to injuries. God willing I'll reclaim more of my life.

God bless

Erik

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21 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

@BooksandTrees I agree with your idea. However, I have this bad feeling that comes over me when I do most things. Including all forms of art, most tv and books. It's a really bad feeling that worsens the more I do these things and causes my skin to breakout in acne when I do them. So my hands are kind of tied. I mostly am just able to go to the gym, go hiking, meditate, read christian/psychology books and run errands. Literally almost everything else I can not do because of this strange condition I have. I don't have a ton of hope for myself although maybe psychotherapy will help. Until some miracle of a breakthrough happens for me I'm stuck doing just about nothing. 

Is it a skin condition or is it stress induced? That's very strange and I'm sorry to hear this.

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

Is it a skin condition or is it stress induced? That's very strange and I'm sorry to hear this.

I'm not sure. I think it might be stress induced. Stimuli > stress > acne. 

I get upset sometimes, but I think it's God's way of limiting what I can do for now so I can focus and get good at the few things I'm allowed to do. Then he'll let me have things back in my life once again. I hope. : ) 

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3 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I'm not sure. I think it might be stress induced. Stimuli > stress > acne. 

I get upset sometimes, but I think it's God's way of limiting what I can do for now so I can focus and get good at the few things I'm allowed to do. Then he'll let me have things back in my life once again. I hope. : ) 

Are you practicing any skincare methods to take better care of your skin during breakouts and not during breakouts? You might have a situation where you need to take care of your skin with certain creams every day regardless of stress management systems just due to the oils, diet, and lifestyle you live. My friend had to do it for a while until he found solutions to it. Now he doesn't break out. I know you're religious, and the perspective you have will certainly maintain a positive mindset, but I also suggest visiting your primary care physician to seek a referral for a dermatologist if you haven't done so already. It might help you get past certain things. 

If you've done this already then I apologize. Just offering suggestions.

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20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Are you practicing any skincare methods to take better care of your skin during breakouts and not during breakouts? You might have a situation where you need to take care of your skin with certain creams every day regardless of stress management systems just due to the oils, diet, and lifestyle you live. My friend had to do it for a while until he found solutions to it. Now he doesn't break out. I know you're religious, and the perspective you have will certainly maintain a positive mindset, but I also suggest visiting your primary care physician to seek a referral for a dermatologist if you haven't done so already. It might help you get past certain things. 

If you've done this already then I apologize. Just offering suggestions.

That's alright. I do use creams and special soap everyday from a dermatologist/online. I haven't found a solution for how to not breakout anymore. I am looking to eat more vegetables for what thats worth, but i don't think it'll cure my acne. As long as I use all my creams and avoid the many triggers my skin stays somewhat good.

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Day 68 NF 39 Np 22  Med 8

I'm grateful for: medication, doctors, life, God, plants, my 'desk pets' charlotte and sparky, my lamps, my necklace, the bible and my good health.

I've been really wiped out this weekend after eating some slightly raw chicken. I think I'm also just tired from all the not sleeping much since my sister moved in. Good news, she's moving out in ten days. Thank God. I'm maybe going to go checkout a meditation group and a church. We'll see. That'd be nice if I could find someplace social that I'm comfortable going to. I hung out and ran errands with my mom this weekend. It was kind of nice. The big plus was that she helped me file my taxes and figure out my financial plan. I'm realistically planning to: in the next two years achieve licensure as a therapist and to be debt free in the next three years. Just knowing that these were realistic estimates made me much happier and less stressed about my future. I took an extra four years to get it together and pursue a career. But, I'm happy that I'm this close to making a good salary and being debt free. Prior to today it felt like it was going to be forever, or that I wouldn't ever pay off my debt. Now I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's bright. 🙂

My friend didn't call me like they said they would. I guess they forgot. I was planning to just not text them for a while to see if they'll text me, but I feel like they're just going to forget about me . . . lame. Maybe they'll remember and text me, but after they said they'd call and didn't I don't really want to be texting them like, hey did you forget? Idk. I'm kind of tired of just forgiving everyone and giving them more chances all the time. If she actually wants to talk to me she can remember I exist and send me a text. Then I'll say, "How come you didn't call me last weekend?"

Yep. 

Well. Another week is coming. I hope it goes well.

God bless

Erik

 

 

 

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32 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 68 NF 39 Np 22  Med 8

I'm grateful for: medication, doctors, life, God, plants, my 'desk pets' charlotte and sparky, my lamps, my necklace, the bible and my good health.

I've been really wiped out this weekend after eating some slightly raw chicken. I think I'm also just tired from all the not sleeping much since my sister moved in. Good news, she's moving out in ten days. Thank God. I'm maybe going to go checkout a meditation group and a church. We'll see. That'd be nice if I could find someplace social that I'm comfortable going to. I hung out and ran errands with my mom this weekend. It was kind of nice. The big plus was that she helped me file my taxes and figure out my financial plan. I'm realistically planning to: in the next two years achieve licensure as a therapist and to be debt free in the next three years. Just knowing that these were realistic estimates made me much happier and less stressed about my future. I took an extra four years to get it together and pursue a career. But, I'm happy that I'm this close to making a good salary and being debt free. Prior to today it felt like it was going to be forever, or that I wouldn't ever pay off my debt. Now I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's bright. 🙂

My friend didn't call me like they said they would. I guess they forgot. I was planning to just not text them for a while to see if they'll text me, but I feel like they're just going to forget about me . . . lame. Maybe they'll remember and text me, but after they said they'd call and didn't I don't really want to be texting them like, hey did you forget? Idk. I'm kind of tired of just forgiving everyone and giving them more chances all the time. If she actually wants to talk to me she can remember I exist and send me a text. Then I'll say, "How come you didn't call me last weekend?"

Yep. 

Well. Another week is coming. I hope it goes well.

God bless

Erik

I think these are all positive developments. It will be nice to have your sister move out. The new pay will be great and I think it propels your career in the way you're hoping. Friends can be a major disappointment and people flake at times. It's tough finding the difference between holding a grudge and just remember that someone isn't as true of a friend that we'd like. I hope you can continue that progression. I wouldn't get too down about it. 

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@BooksandTrees yeah I kind of am holding a grudge. I know they are dealing with an injury and also just aren’t good/inclined to talk on the phone . It’s kind of sad to accept the limitations of others but idk she might be not wanting to change. I have another friend who will call but won’t text me. Trying to make them do both may just not bet happening.

Day 69 NF 40 Np 23 Med 9

Today I accomplished going to work and playing a card game without throwing too big of a fit.

Im grateful for water, food love people friends family kindness butterflies even though their big eyes are weird and journals!

I went to coping skills group today. It was nice. I look forward to improving mentally and hopefully getting better sleep too. Life is a struggle but today it feels like it’s gonna be okay. 🙂

 

God bless

Erik

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43 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

@BooksandTrees yeah I kind of am holding a grudge. I know they are dealing with an injury and also just aren’t good/inclined to talk on the phone . It’s kind of sad to accept the limitations of others but idk she might be not wanting to change. I have another friend who will call but won’t text me. Trying to make them do both may just not bet happening.

Day 69 NF 40 Np 23 Med 9

Today I accomplished going to work and playing a card game without throwing too big of a fit.

Im grateful for water, food love people friends family kindness butterflies even though their big eyes are weird and journals!

I went to coping skills group today. It was nice. I look forward to improving mentally and hopefully getting better sleep too. Life is a struggle but today it feels like it’s gonna be okay. 🙂

 

God bless

Erik

Glad today was better. Have you considered ever joining a board game group on a meetup website or app? Would you ever consider a movie watching group where you watch a movie and grab food after?

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Some people do just forget things, not necessarily out of malice. She might have just gotten really busy. There's a whole host of reasons why she may not have called you. Does this happen frequently? Would you otherwise consider yourselves good friends?

I wouldn't think too much of it. Just send her a hey, how you doing text and see where it goes. But if you ever get to a point where you feel you're putting in a lot more than her, it's OK to take a step back as well. Just don't do it as a "test" or to see how good of a friend she is... that never, ever ends well.

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Day 70 NF 41 Np 24 Med 10

I accomplished finishing work gym and exposure to anime.

im grateful for my mom my computer my books bathrobe friends new friends the gym knowledge long hair healthy food.

@seriousjay We made up we’re good now. I was just hurt she didn’t call me. But I forgive her she had a lot going on.

im pretty flatlined right now. So sleepy but have insomnia lately. I’m hoping it’ll be better tonight as my sister left. It’s nice driving the better car now she’s gone. I finished the res pawn book. It was kind of triggering because it reminded me of gaming. Otherwise it was helpful in that it encouraged me to do things that are good for me. Trying not to have spoilers here. God bless you all and help us all quit games and live good lives. I know we can do things that are better for us. We can live life without games. It may be hard and take time. But eventually you find yourself rattling off ten different activities to do in your spare time and realize life without games is possible. It can even be a better life.

God bless

Erik

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