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Erik2.0

Erik's Daily Journal - A Better Life

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Hello,

My clean date is 11/25/19. This is My Story

It’s 11/14/19 and I decided to recommit to quit today after just thirty minutes of gaming. I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I’m 31 and single. I’ve wanted to be stable with someone forever so it’s dismaying for me. I just feel like it’s really difficult for me to find someone. 
 

I have a job but haven’t saved much money. I’m kind of thin and don’t have the best skin. And I have schizoaffective disorder. That’s a combination of depression and schizophrenia. It means I’m at risk for getting depressed and sometimes have delusions that people are out to get me. 
 

My therapist recommended me to a group for people who are chronically mentally ill because I was continually having suicidal ideation for months while working with her. I’ve really got to continue with that group. 
 

Anyways. Things didn’t workout with a couple of romantic prospects and I got pretty down. Then I was playing a game and realized. “Playing isn’t making me feel better. It’s making me feel worse.” That led me back on here and now I’m adding to the forums. 
 

I've never been an online poster, I don’t even use social media. But for some reason this site has given me the power to quit gaming when I felt completely hopeless. When I get paid I’m thinking I’ll try to complete the respawn guide. 
 

If you read my intro you know I’ve been on vacation trying to quit again. It’s hard, it hurts and I’m not really sure what my identity is. “Who am I?” Is a question I’m trying to answer now.

 

I am a Christian. I workout, I practice yoga and mindfulness. I love to read, especially the Bible. I love my family and even though it’s challenging for me to get along with them sometimes. I keep trying. I’m a counselor and I hope to become a licensed therapist some day. I used to be a gaming addict. 
 

I just feel like my whole life is at risk when I play a game for even a second. It’s a pretty intense reality, but I think it’s true for any gaming addict. The only solution for me is to stop gaming for life.
 

Sincerely,

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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I think that gaming is just a medium through which your problems manifest themselves. The gaming addiction is not a cause of your problems, but a secondary effect of something else. Even if you could defeat the addiction, I'm afraid that would not help you as it would find ways to manifest in other areas of your life. You must discover what the underlying problem is and usually it's something a person tries to avoid. You must bravely consult your conscience and ask yourself "what am I doing wrong in this situation?". Sorry, I don't want to sound like I'm blaming you, but assuming responsibility for the bad things that happen in your life is really helpful, because then it's on you. You're not a helpless victim in your situation but an active agent upon which everything depends. That's what I do with my problems.

And I understand that not having a girlfriend at 31 sucks. I'm 23 and I never had a romantic relationship, even though I wanted that with my whole heart. But I also believe there are valuable lessons that can be learned when you are alone. It may be painful to admit this but another person, no matter how wonderful she might be, can't make you happy. Nobody's perfect and nobody can carry the weight of responsibility to make us happy. That load is ours and even though its a hard load, its a liberating thing too. A well developed personality is independent and relationships from his or her perspective are optional, not mandatory.  

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Hi Erik,

Glad you're here. I can relate to a lot of what you said. You can absolutely 100% get through this. You've already taken some great steps forward.

In my opinion the hardest part is the start, but as you start building the structures and habits around you that you'll need, things will get easier. And even if you step backwards, you'll start being able to recover quicker, so to speak. And it's really interesting that you said you didn't know yourself. Thinking back on my own experience, these past 7 months have been hugely informative for me. I've been able to push a few comfort zones of mine, and I ended up challenging a few notions of myself which ended up being completely false. I wouldn't have been able to attempt any of that if I hadn't given up games.

Good luck to you!

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On 11/15/2019 at 9:25 PM, DaBest said:

Hi Erik,

Glad you're here. I can relate to a lot of what you said. You can absolutely 100% get through this. You've already taken some great steps forward.

In my opinion the hardest part is the start, but as you start building the structures and habits around you that you'll need, things will get easier. And even if you step backwards, you'll start being able to recover quicker, so to speak. And it's really interesting that you said you didn't know yourself. Thinking back on my own experience, these past 7 months have been hugely informative for me. I've been able to push a few comfort zones of mine, and I ended up challenging a few notions of myself which ended up being completely false.

Hi!

 

Great post thank you for your reply. It sounds like you’ve excelled in increasing your comfort zone and overcome some negative beliefs that weren’t true about yourself? Either way, good job being seven months off. I’ll try to post again. It’s been about ten days for me now. How did you get into your hobbies? What are they?

Erik

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Hi Erik,

First of all, congrats on the ten days! That's a great first step. 

Yeah, I've been more successful in pushing my comfort zone in some areas rather than others, probably first and foremost was that I did not consider myself a funny person. I kind of knew things changed a bit once I opened up to people, but I had a harder time doing so. I started doing improv this past year and I ended up joining an indie team. We've been doing a bunch of shows and I found out today that we might be getting a paid gig, which is absolutely wild. But the best part from doing all this is that I'm a much more open person in general, not just with humor.

Right now my three main hobbies are improv, bodybuilding, and salsa dancing. Improv for the aforementioned reasons. Bodybuilding is recent due to back problems I am having, and I've always wanted to be an athlete of sorts. Salsa dancing I'm picking back up because I need help with romantic relationships with women. There are others too, but I've had too many that I've started and dropped for one reason or another.

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Hello da best,

Thats awesome you’re going to do some paid improv. You guys must be fun to watch. I’m doing bodybuilding too. I also got into it to fix up my lower back pain. I like doing introverted things like journaling or reading. Salsa and improv are Outside my comfort zone I think. Although I haven’t tried improv. Is there a way to message people on here or can we only post in forum? 
 

Erik

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Hi again! 

Yeah, it will be if it pans out. Even if I get paid once, I can say now and forever that I am a paid comedian, haha. 

Bodybuilding really is awesome! I should've started along time ago instead of playing the sports I did. If you're still dealing with your back and don't know what's going on, I find the videos from Upright Health really intriguing. I'm using the stuff I learned there to really begin experimenting with my back and understanding my joint and muscle dysfunctions. Have you found anything that's worked well for your back in particular?

I'm a huge introvert too--this was way out of my comfort zone, but I'm glad I did it. That's kind of the point with quitting video games.

You can message directly too. In forum, if you quote someone or use the @, like @Erik2.0, you'll get a notification. You can also DM by hovering over the person's icon, and hitting message.

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On 12/4/2019 at 12:36 AM, DaBest said:

Yeah, I've been more successful in pushing my comfort zone in some areas rather than others, probably first and foremost was that I did not consider myself a funny person. I kind of knew things changed a bit once I opened up to people, but I had a harder time doing so. I started doing improv this past year and I ended up joining an indie team. We've been doing a bunch of shows and I found out today that we might be getting a paid gig, which is absolutely wild. But the best part from doing all this is that I'm a much more open person in general, not just with humor.

Hey, DaBest!

Interesting that you started doing improv, I'm thinking about getting some acting lessons and that's really out of my comfort zone. How did that went to you? When thinking about it, I'm flooded with discouraging thoughts like "you will be so embarrassed, you're too old (26), etc".

At the same time I know that it's gonna be good for me, because I'm a huge introvert too. I am looking for singing classes too, which is another thing that I'm interested in and is out of my comfort zone too (less than acting lessons, so I started by this). Fuck, I need to take the leap, just taking the courage to that.

 

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On 11/15/2019 at 2:10 AM, Erik2.0 said:

It’s 11/14/19 and I decided to recommit to quit today after just thirty minutes of gaming. I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I’m 31 and single. I’ve wanted to be stable with someone forever so it’s dismaying for me. I just feel like it’s really difficult for me to find someone. 

If I can contribute with something, don't worry too much about being single. Focus on improving every aspect of your life (appearance, hobbies, work, etc) and the romantic part is gonna come together. The first step you already made: taking the decision to change. Now keep at it and don't give up. I don't have the intention of leaving de forum very soon, so we are together in that. Good luck man!

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On 12/10/2019 at 8:35 PM, WhatAboutToday? said:

If I can contribute with something, don't worry too much about being single. Focus on improving every aspect of your life (appearance, hobbies, work, etc) and the romantic part is gonna come together. The first step you already made: taking the decision to change. Now keep at it and don't give up. I don't have the intention of leaving de forum very soon, so we are together in that. Good luck man!

Thanks man. I see how focusing on myself goes back and forth with a romantic interest. I'm looking at different hobbies to try to get to know people and develop my own life too now. Keep it real!

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Yeah man, just go for it. I have some good news for you--you won't die if you do!

I was 26 last year when I started too. I sucked big time when I started since I was so trapped in my head and so self-conscious. I nearly quit this past spring since I felt was struggling mightily with one of the classes I was taking, coupled with all the stress of giving up games at the same time. However, I stuck with it, and I'm starting to learn to enjoy the progression more than the results themselves. As long as I keep improving, it's worth it. 

And that's awesome you're thinking of taking singing classes too! That sounds like a lot of fun. 

Out of curiosity, what is it about acting and singing you like in particular?

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10 hours ago, DaBest said:

Out of curiosity, what is it about acting and singing you like in particular?

 

Curiously, that's not a thing that I reflexed on beforehand. Being more open is naturally a factor, but it is more of a consequence/benefit from this activies than a reason to do them. Thinking about it right now, I think singing/acting involves a lot of "expressing yourself". Some people express themselves exceptionally well, for example, by painting. Or drawing. Maybe just talking. I don't think I already found my form of expression. But I like singing, for example, and I want to give it a try.

By the way, thanks for the question man, made me reflect a lot about questions unanswered in my life, I appreciate it.

Edited by WhatAboutToday?
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Day 20 

Hey,

I’ve been sleeping funny because I don’t do well with the central heater now that it’s winter. I use this as an excuse to not do much, it also hinders my energy levels. In my free time I’ve been watching a lot of tv which isn’t the best, but at least it’s not gaming. 
 

I do enjoy going to my room at night and reading And journaling which is a good ‘real world’ couple of activities. I don’t know what to do otherwise as most things seem to cause me too much anxiety to continue with. I’ll see if I can get health insurance to continue with my therapist or see a new one that’s closer to my home. 
 

I basically need a hobby to take the place of watching tv. I just don’t really know what to do and even though I looked through the hobby took I couldn’t really come up with anything I could do. Maybe I could give poetry, writing or playing music another try.

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0

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Day 21

Hello everyone,

Today was hard. I watched some gaming videos with my client and it was really triggering. He also refused to get off his television even though it was time to do so. This really upset me because I thought he was reasonable. But, he turned out to be acting just like a previous client who was addicted to gaming. Totally unable to get off of electronics when asked to even if they had previously agreed to get off at a specific time. I think it just goes to show that a lot of people are so addicted to electronics they put those before everything and everyone else. 

It was trying for me. I really wanted to game, but thinking about game quitters and that my supervisor encouraged me not to game helped me overcome my urge to game. I didn't give in. I went to workout at the gym instead which was overall really nice. I love getting to do all the things I do at the gym. I'm even starting to enjoy hitting the sauna and showers after. When I finished and was walking to my car I thought, "This life is so much better than one with gaming was." Working out, putting in the effort to make friends and a girlfriend, holding down a job etc. Life is often hard, but it is always good too! 

When I talk to people I feel like I have something to offer and I'm willing to stand up for myself in my relationships. I don't stay up too late anymore and I'm even starting to move towards veganism to help aid with an inflammatory health issue I've been having. I've been struggling a lot with anxiety and depression. I'm currently on an antipsychotic known as risperdol for my diagnosed schizoaffective disorder. The struggle has been so real lately that I'm just thinking it might be a good idea to add on anti-anxiety/depression medications. When things bother me I feel like I'm in danger of losing self-control and getting really angry at people. This is not good. I pray that God helps me with this as I don't currently have health insurance. Also that he guides me to the right psychiatrist and possibly a therapist and therapy group as well. Because my recent care providers were all about a 50 minute drive from home so when I get insurance again I think I'll be looking for a closer group of care providers. Eating vegan makes me feel kind of hungry and I'm concerned I'll lose weight (naturally on the thin side here). God willing I'll get like those natural vegan bodybuilders.

God bless us one and all. God bless and help anyone who is reading this to overcome gaming addiction and in everything. Amen.

Respectfully,

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0

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Quit date 11/22/19

Hello

I’m sleepy lately. On the upside that makes it nice when I do sleep. My dads visiting and that’s good. I’ve been eating a vegetarian breakfast each day to cut down on meat. It’s been going good although I’ve realized it takes a lot more veggie food to be full than meat. I’ve possibly found a church to go to. Datings been okay, I’m still just continuing to swipe for matches and message whoever’s talking with me each day. No dates yet. Quitting gaming a going well. My client doesn’t push me to do it anymore and I have this community of great people to lean on. 
 

God bless us one and all amen

Erik

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I've switched to 6/7 days vegan around 2 months ago, it's surprising how much you have to eat to get a decent amount of calories in from veggies. Glad the situation with your client is improving.

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@masqueradeThank you. I’m leaning towards low meat intake. Like maybe once a week when I go out to eat and vegetarian otherwise. No fried foods. That’s really good you’re doing the 6/7 vegan. I couldn’t deal with all the beans 

Edited by Erik2.0

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No vg Day 29 nofap day 1 (12/21/19) no substances 1yr 3 months. 
 

I caved after seven days no fap. It was that I started imagining sexual things. I’ll try to visualize something else like...Jesus next time I get urges. 

I was at 90 days no vg and maybe a month nofap before and it felt good. I hope to surpass those numbers . Just taking it one day at a time till then.
 

Thanks for reading.

Erik

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Day 31,

Nofap Day 2,

No Substances 1 year 3 months.

No water only soda (just kidding).

Today I'm grateful for:

  • My family
  • God
  • Healthy food and clean water
  • Love
  • Kindness
  • Humor
  • Happiness and positive energy 

Hello,

I just wanted to reboot my journal with a new title that makes more sense for a daily journal. In short I was a big gamer for many years. Much of my younger years were spent smoking pot and playing games with others. I liked to just sit and zone out, especially with company and marijuana. I stumbled across this site when I started wondering if I was an addict. Then I tried a 90 day de-tox, I tried moderating after as it said you could and didn't like it. Now I've decided I want to quit gaming indefinitely. 

Some people in my life (read on) think that I just have anxiety around gaming and there isn't any real addiction or need to quit. However, I don't care, I want to quit and that's my choice/right to do so. It just makes me feel a lot better. After my 90 day detox I felt a lot more clear headed, healthy etc. 

This site has a warmth to it that I don't feel anywhere else on the internet. I like it and I feel comfortable posting to the forums here. I went on the Nofap.com site to get some info and help in pursuing nofap life. I found it a lot more difficult to keep reading their posts than the ones here on gaming. However, I'll still go back on there whenever I'm struggling with nofap and could use the extra help. It's a lot for me to be on two forums at once. 

Anyways, I was encouraged to game today. I"m a counselor and my client was trying to get me to play space invaders with him. It was a scary moment for me. He was saying, "You've got to get over your gaming anxiety! This will be good for you!" And I told him that I really don't play games. That I'm even part of a community (ironically online) that doesn't game anymore called game quitters. He was shocked that this actually exists, but at the mention of the community he stopped pressing me. I think it's really a good thing to be a part of a group that doesn't game. The strength in numbers aspect seems to have deterred my client from pressing me to play. So, thanks GQ. 

Sincerely,

Erik

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We're glad you're here. I try posting on nofap, but it's not a real community. It's kind of a place where people post and don't receive traffic or help on their daily journals. Only on questions etc. I have thousands of viewers and hundreds of replies here and almost nothing there. Most people there are toxic game addicts as well from reddit, which is also a shithole. 

People coerce others to play games like drunks want you to drink or join them at the bar. Good job staying strong today. 

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@BooksandTrees

Thank you! I feel good about not gaming. It reminds me a lot of when I first quit doing substances years ago. It seems like there's suddenly so much time! Posting on this forum is nice, I'm reading more and I'm starting to have an interest in singing and learning how to write a memoir. Thanks again for the encouragement.

 

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Day 32

I didn’t think about games much at all today. I like days where I don’t think about much. I met someone for a date off an app and decided I didn’t want to see them anymore. God help me, the search continues.

 

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Day 33

Not gaming has been good. I wish I could change my name. When I made it erik2.0 I didn’t think I’d actually post. Now I want a different name, can you change it? 
 

I’m starting to read fantasy again. it’s nice to have reclaimed this from my anxiety. I don’t know if I’ll reclaim anime or keep avoiding it forever. I used to enjoy anime a lot though and look to Goku as a paragon.

 

Erik

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2 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 33

Not gaming has been good. I wish I could change my name. When I made it erik2.0 I didn’t think I’d actually post. Now I want a different name, can you change it? 
 

I’m starting to read fantasy again. it’s nice to have reclaimed this from my anxiety. I don’t know if I’ll reclaim anime or keep avoiding it forever. I used to enjoy anime a lot though and look to Goku as a paragon.

 

Erik

Private message cam and he'll get you in touch with a moderator to change your name. Either that or maybe ask hitaru.

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