20 y/o lady ready to change, here we go

[Rumati]

Greetings everyone!

I've always been really attracted to MMORPGs and mobile games. I'm pretty sure the final straw for me was when I took out over 50% of my credit line on in-app purchases (we're talking $1,200+)and I outright financed a $2000 laptop behind my parents' backs. My grades are dropping, my weight is rising, and my mood is worse. 

I've been down this road before, and I know too well what it leads to. It's only a matter of time before I spiral back down into more self-destructive, and ultimately suicidal, tendencies.

I know I have to stop this, but I'm pretty spooked. Gaming was my only real source of stress relief. I don't have to socialize, I don't have to work to please anyone, I don't have to think about my responsibilities and  insecurities...why should I burden myself with that, when I could be a rocket-shooting, double-jumping, monster-blasting space ninja/pirate saving the galaxy from devastation?

At least there, even if it was just some made-up story online, I meant something. I was worthwhile. I actually achieved, and got rewarded for achieving.

Of course, my real life would still go down the drain, no matter how many zombies I head-shotted. 

I'm tired of hating myself. Today is the day I put an end to my self sabotage. It's going to be hard: there's so many updates I will miss out on, so many one-time opportunities that will never show up again for months, possibly years. I don't know how I will fill the void. I don't have many friends, and the friends I do have either are too busy or too far away. I'm an only kid, and I don't have any pets. I don't want to stay at home studying all day, but there's not much else for me to do...

Wish me luck, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯