FenderUser Posted October 8, 2019 Posted October 8, 2019 Hello everybody, my name is Christopher Garneau and I'm a 30 years old male from Canada. Ever since I've been 5 years old or in other words in 1994, I've been a gamer. From the moment I laid my hands on that Super Nintendo controller back at my uncle house and started playing The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. Then came Earthworm Jim, Super Mario World, Final Fantasy V, Super Mario RPG, there was no limit to how much I would play and I guess my uncle loved it because it kept me occupied. LOL And I was less turbulant that way. From elementary school through high school to college and now university, my friends have been gamers but that was when I still had friend because nowadays, I have ''friends'' but I never see them and am extremely isolated from the world. Apart from my father and workmates and people in shops or restaurants, I never see anyone. No friends, no family, I haven't seen my mother in 2 months, old high school friends in 2 years so more reasons to be drawn to video games more and more. To furfill my needs and survive in all this isolation and this life of seclusion. I haven't had a girlfriend in 18 years, I'm not afraid to admit it and I haven't kissed or touched a woman of my life. Most people would find this not normal and have done something about it before 18 years but I must take responsability, I was severely addicted to video games and also pornography so I filled my life with all that instant gratification, all that dopamine and felt okay with being a recluse for almost 20 years. This is not entirely true as until around 1 year ago, I cried often, probably had a few depressions and lots of suicidal thoughts. I was in pain, felt like a failure, felt like I was betraying my parents, betraying all those who loved me, I felt like a weight for them and just wanted it gone! Then I started playing World of Warcraft until today and WoW became my life, my purpose in life and my reason to live. It filled all my needs better than anything I ever encountered but there was a big problem: I was alone and probably too addicted to realise how sad and depressed I really was. But I finally woke up from this extremely long slumber and feel like changing things. Feel like I got a problem (probably more than one, more like a half-dozens LOL) and I want to fix them! When I was playing WoW, I was ''happy'' but I felt numb, I feel numb when I spend long periods of time in front of a computer. Even weeks or years ago, I felt something was not right because gaming never made me feel as ALIVE as when I was with friends IRL or when I was playing bass or talking with women. I played a lot of bass this morning and I get this euphoric feeling, it cannot be matched by anything gaming ever produced! I was laughing and brimming with happiness as I was playing Legendary Child by Aerosmith or Bitc* by the Rolling Stones. The longest I ever spend without gaming was 2 years when I had a long-distance relationship with a girl also living in Canada and she was so out of this world. In many regards, I would call her a soulmate and we were so happy together ...but I chose gaming over her and often contemplated suicide over that thought. When you think that most will never find a woman so wonderful you could call her a soulmate, you had one and you dumped her because you wanted to play Zelda, I got over it. I got past that trial but I still feel bitter and ashamed at myself. We haven't spoke in 8 years and life went on. I don't love her anymore and I hope she does not too, we went on with our respective lives ...but what we had was so incredible, those 2 years were the best years of my life and I felt so alive. To this day, I still feel angry at myself for letting her go. I probably caused her so much grief as she really loved me and those that know me irl know I am the sweetest person you will ever find. I wouldn't hurt a fly and I go out of my ways to help others, everyone loves me (almost ;P), I'm really a good person and to think I could hurt such a sweet girl, it still enrages me after 8 years. I say I do not like her anymore, this is true but there's a catch. I would go back with her and recapture all that we had in a heartbeat. I stopped loving her so I could move on but yeah, can you really move on from such a big love? Who knows. But what I really want to know is what my life will be without gaming? I am tired of being alone and wasting my life away. Tired of having no real friends, tired of having no human touch in almost 20 years, tired of hurting others and frankly, tired of gaming and pornography. I feel it inside my very soul and even inside my body, I want something different and I want it now. I want change! And with Respawn Elite and Cam and you guys, I feel like this is my best shot at getting what I want. Getting my life back under control, living it to the fullest and as Cam said ''Waking up every day excited to live it to the fullest''. Living my dreams and my aspirations. I wanted things, I had dreams back when I was 4 years old, back before I learned about gaming. It feels like I spent all my life playing video games and in some ways, it is true and I suppose that is why they had such a powerful grip on me and I found it so difficult to call it quit, I don't remember life without before gaming, I FORGOT! But I want to remember and I will, during the course of Respawn and I think there's a 90 days detox. I plan on doing it, see how my life changes, the changes operate on me, this will be fantastic, no doubt about it! I have so many objectives and things I want to do and fix but I will take it one day as a time and even when trials occur, I will hold on. I will hold on till the end and we'll see how it goes! Thank you for having me here and God bless! Best of success to everyone and talk to you again soon. ? Best regards, Christopher 5
liam Posted October 11, 2019 Posted October 11, 2019 Hey Christopher - that was quite a read, I resonate with a lot of the things you said. I too have sabotaged friendships, relationships, jobs and education in order to continue playing games as much as possible. I always felt it was the one things I truly couldn't live without. It's not a good situation! Reading about your social isolation, I just wanted to say that there are so many hobbies out there that enable you to meet people naturally. I'm no expert (I'm literally in the same situation as you - very start of my quitting journey!), but I do think that getting out of your comfort zone is a great way to experience more in life. Hope to see you more on here as we progress together! Liam 1
FenderUser Posted October 11, 2019 Author Posted October 11, 2019 2 hours ago, liam said: Hey Christopher - that was quite a read, I resonate with a lot of the things you said. I too have sabotaged friendships, relationships, jobs and education in order to continue playing games as much as possible. I always felt it was the one things I truly couldn't live without. It's not a good situation! Reading about your social isolation, I just wanted to say that there are so many hobbies out there that enable you to meet people naturally. I'm no expert (I'm literally in the same situation as you - very start of my quitting journey!), but I do think that getting out of your comfort zone is a great way to experience more in life. Hope to see you more on here as we progress together! Liam Hey Liam! Yes, when I start writing, it can go for a while… lol No, it isolates us and the more we play, the more we feel isolated (when we can still feel the feeling of isolation and are not too shrouded by ''gaming cloud''). Haha, yes, we are new to this journey but if you just started, keep going! In my case, this is day 4 and already, I am making tremendous progress. It is a great idea, the one of getting out of my comfort zone and I agree, there are so many social hobbies everywhere, all we have to do is get out of the house more and get social! I went to the gym yesterday. Talked with a couple people, it felt good. Thanks and likewise! Christopher
Ikar Posted October 11, 2019 Posted October 11, 2019 Good luck! You've got your work cut out for yourself; it won't be easy, but it's the best shot you have! 1
choijiah Posted October 14, 2019 Posted October 14, 2019 Hello Christopher. I can feel almost everything you had been through. And your story motivated me. I decided like thousand times that today is the last day i play online game but I kept coming back again and again. Game is not interesting infact but the skills I have, the community, the history, memories, the habits ... it was so hard to let go , gaming was my life for such wasted 10 years. Visiting this forum, reading stories is the most powerful method to give it up, . Thanks. 1
FenderUser Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 On 10/11/2019 at 3:09 PM, Ikar said: Good luck! You've got your work cut out for yourself; it won't be easy, but it's the best shot you have! Yes, it is a daily battle but in the end, I will prevail! ? No matter the relapses, like a boxer with knockdowns during fights, what matters the most is that I get up by the count of 10, right? I relapsed and played WoW like a maniac for the past 2 weeks but woke up in time and am back, stronger than ever. I'm really looking forward to see the results this time, I was really doing well the second try. 1
FenderUser Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 On 10/14/2019 at 4:43 AM, choijiah said: Hello Christopher. I can feel almost everything you had been through. And your story motivated me. I decided like thousand times that today is the last day i play online game but I kept coming back again and again. Game is not interesting infact but the skills I have, the community, the history, memories, the habits ... it was so hard to let go , gaming was my life for such wasted 10 years. Visiting this forum, reading stories is the most powerful method to give it up, . Thanks. Hello Choijiah, Yes, we are many, living the same sort of things. It makes us feel less alone. Good, I am glad to hear that! Yeah, I know what you're saying. I work the night shift at my job so during my free days, I am very drawn to gaming as there is much less to do during the night (at least, socially! and I hate going to bars). I would go back to working during the day but I can't do that yet, I have 11k of student debt to repay and night shift is really worth it money-wise. Well, don't lose hope, I hear you and I wish you tremendous success in this challenge! My pleasure, thanks for replying on this thread.
Jason Park Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 Hello Christopher I also had depression last year for 3 months as I played an online game for 10 hours until 3am or 4am every day. And I thought my life was suck and I was a loser when I fell in sleep. This self-downing and going to bed late made deep depression. Now a days I go to bed around 10pm or 11pm, I haven't any depression anymore ~ I hope you succeed to quit playing games and get some better hobbies. Don't come back in front of a game monitor!! ?
FenderUser Posted November 27, 2019 Author Posted November 27, 2019 On 11/1/2019 at 7:34 AM, Jason Park said: Hello Christopher I also had depression last year for 3 months as I played an online game for 10 hours until 3am or 4am every day. And I thought my life was suck and I was a loser when I fell in sleep. This self-downing and going to bed late made deep depression. Now a days I go to bed around 10pm or 11pm, I haven't any depression anymore ~ I hope you succeed to quit playing games and get some better hobbies. Don't come back in front of a game monitor!! ? Hello Jason, that is very interesting! It is true that sort of lifestyle must not have been giving you a ton of true happiness and a sense of furfillment, of accomplishment… I'm truly happy to hear that your depression is gone, that is a great thing! Thank you, I fell off the wagon AGAIN but no matter what happens, I will always get up and return on the right track. Perhaps this time will be the last and the good one, it is my greatest dream atm!!. ?
Artemis Posted November 27, 2019 Posted November 27, 2019 Hey! Thanks for sharing your story. I think the bass sounds amazing. I like playing piano to relax. The euphoria is great. It likely won’t happen every time one practices, but each practice is important and worthwhile and the euphoria does return. As for human touch. I dated a person with a similar inexperience with human touch. It’s possible your own proprioception with your own body is also a bit dusty. I highly recommend getting active NOW. Even if just a walk or stretch this second as you read this. Also as a primer for when you begin interacting with whoever you choose in a loving way, I recommend taking up something like massage therapy to get that development happening. I noticed after long times of being out of our bodies and “in games” it can be challenging to be present with what is happening with our own bodies and another person’s. Playing bass is great for a tactile interaction. Could try massage therapy, partner acrobatics, hair styling, medical care, ballroom dancing, rock climbing, dancing in general, tennis, or lots of other things to get confident of being aware of your body and another person’s body during physical activities. If massage school is not in your budget, even some massage classes on youtube would be good (then practice on a friend/family member!). Seems you want to share touch with a woman based on what I’m reading. Get practice with your body to be more confident with your body (and more respectful of hers ) for the romantic situation. Good luck! 1
FenderUser Posted January 13, 2020 Author Posted January 13, 2020 On 11/27/2019 at 2:46 PM, Artemis said: Hey! Thanks for sharing your story. I think the bass sounds amazing. I like playing piano to relax. The euphoria is great. It likely won’t happen every time one practices, but each practice is important and worthwhile and the euphoria does return. As for human touch. I dated a person with a similar inexperience with human touch. It’s possible your own proprioception with your own body is also a bit dusty. I highly recommend getting active NOW. Even if just a walk or stretch this second as you read this. Also as a primer for when you begin interacting with whoever you choose in a loving way, I recommend taking up something like massage therapy to get that development happening. I noticed after long times of being out of our bodies and “in games” it can be challenging to be present with what is happening with our own bodies and another person’s. Playing bass is great for a tactile interaction. Could try massage therapy, partner acrobatics, hair styling, medical care, ballroom dancing, rock climbing, dancing in general, tennis, or lots of other things to get confident of being aware of your body and another person’s body during physical activities. If massage school is not in your budget, even some massage classes on youtube would be good (then practice on a friend/family member!). Seems you want to share touch with a woman based on what I’m reading. Get practice with your body to be more confident with your body (and more respectful of hers ) for the romantic situation. Good luck! Hey Artemis! Thanks for replying to my post. Yes, it makes me feel so alive. Whenever I play video games, I feel so empty inside and just longing for doing something that is meaninful, of significance. When I play bass, I feel furfilled, at peace with myself. Sorry, my what?? LOLL ''Proprioception'', jesus, English is not my primary language, I'll have to Google that. :P Oh wow, I did know it existed but did not know it was called like that. Hey, I guess we learn new things every day! Yeah, all you mentionned sounds great, I have to get back in touch with my own body and other people's bodies. These 18 years spent in the prison of my isolation made me so out of touch with people and the mere act of accidentaly touching someone's hand make me feel uncomfortable and giggle, it is really weird. lol I feel like a teenager sometimes and considering I pretty much stopped interacting physically with others at this age, it would be logical I have to restart where I left off. If I speak in true honesty, I believe I am lacking love and physical touch like you would not believe. Not necessarly in a sexual way (I would be afraid I think, due to past traumatisms) but hugs and touches in general. Holding hands, cuddling, etc. Those are some great ideas you bring up! I got insurance at my job and massage therapy, whenever I'd go, it would cost me like $10 for 30 minutes, that is really cheap. I will start from there and climb the stairs little by little. Thank you very much and good luck to you as well in your journey! :)
ceponatia Posted January 14, 2020 Posted January 14, 2020 I feel like all of our stories have similarities. I'm a little older than you (38) but can remember getting hooked on all of the same games you mentioned. While I have had girlfriends, I haven't had a "serious" relationship in over a decade and haven't even been on a date in 4 years (despite trying quite hard, lol). For me, there's a lot of regrets about my past in that there were amazing beautiful and intelligent women who were interested but I ignored them in favor of booze and games. The saying goes "don't compare yourself to other people" but it's difficult when you're almost 40, a freshman in college, and all of your friends (all 2 of them) are working in extremely high paying professional jobs and married with families. Most days that feels like something I'll never have... it's just too late now. But that's defeatist thinking. We can always start to get better and our future will be better than it would have been if we just kept doing what we were doing. Maybe it is too late for me to have a family but I can at least live a life where I'm not a slave to purposefully addictive entertainment. Cheers to you and I look forward to seeing you get better.
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