Jump to content

NEW VIDEO: Has gaming disorder been cancelled!?

Rualani

Journal 2: From gaming to choice.

Recommended Posts

Detox(38)
Nofap(0)
poms(???) JUST KEEP WORKING BRUH SHIT IS DUE
Food <- Fail, with a tofu block at the end
Mood <- DESPERATION

The connection between fapping and social hopelessness within me is fairly interesting to note. I think I'll continue trying to do it just as a canary in the coalmine. It can mimic when I'm doing things right?
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(39)
Nofap(0)
Poms(0)
Food <- more fail
Mood <- Dissapointed

Went to museum with family. Mistake. I need to start the day off on a productive note or nothing happens. I have to be strict with them. Influence may be dangerous caution needed. Acknowledge loneliness but don't let it mislead.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(41)
Nofap(0) God Damnit this is hard. I'll keep trying.
Poms(5)
Food <- (fail) BUT I have some vegan recipes lined up for the week. I think my best chances of success are when breakfast and lunch are already prepped for the day. Hopefully tomorrow is a success
Mood <- a trembling amount of focus.

So, I'm doing better at the poms. Will edit in more if I happen to get more done tonight. I really want to push the limit and actually work all the way to bedtime. It's like exercise. I want to see what my MAXIMUM lift is. Doesn't mean I'll do it all the time, but I gotta keep pushing that boundary.

 I still get worn out and have no way to recharge. I feel so damn mentally sluggish most of the time. This is why it's so important diet is fixed properly. I have a feeling that it's a very large factor behind my mental strength. Hopefully that will give me enough of an edge that I don't drown.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(43)
****(0)
Poms(6)
Food, (2 days vegan) Huzzah. prepping breakfast/lunch for the next day is indeed to solution.
Mood <- I feel accomplished

Went to the job fair today. Will need to follow up all leads tomorrow. Yay. I'm hoping I came off well, but I don't really know. I felt like I was present with the recruiters and everything. Also, getting an orangutang to play tic-tac-toe with a dolphin is of the highest priority. Okay, I wasn't completely present. Learning to withhold myself and let someone else fill the presence for some time takes some practice. +3 for meditation, for sure. Which, BTW, I've been on a hot streak, lately. I'm over 25% towards it becoming an official habit... well according to this app at least. Speaking of which.... IMMA GO DO THAT LOL.

I really tried hard to push out these poms. Really, it's more like 8 poms for job preparation and this is my busiest school day AND I AM COOKING SLOW. So, ehhhh. It's not to bad. As I make more vegan recipes I'll get a sense of how to create a stable breakfast or lunch with no plan. Which will be so very very important due to them grocery store costs. That flexibility is everything I am fighting for. And I need a lot of experience actually eating homecooked meals. 

I'll make a good househusband one day. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(44)
****0
Food(3 days vegan)

The temptation has returned. How much I long to lose myself in a game. I feel like I've gone through so many state changes but still one thing remains. Do I have it in me? Can I keep up. Do I have what it takes to get a job in this field. Hell, I don't even care if the pays bad, I just want to know I invested all this time for something. But, it's so darn hard to keep up. Dangit.

3 days vegan... but an over reliance on oil and nut butter. *sigh* 

If anyone else is out there, and you have someone who home cooks for you. Show a little gratitude. Just a little, all thing in moderation after all.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(45)
****0
Food(4) -homecooked

Disregarding vegan label and focusing on --homecooked label. That's far more important of an objective, right now. Delightfully so, the food I got is lasting way longer than I thoguht it would. Cool.

Also, feeling super unproductive. Ah, I'm just so bad at gearing myself up to do long term projects and open ended research. I don't know. I feel very low on dopamine. Watching SC2 gaming videos. I keep cutting myself off from dopamine engaging activities. Going silently into the dark with nothing to want or care for. It sucks. Ah,well, hopefully I figure it out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(47)
Food(6) -homecooked

So, I actually feel pretty positive today. I find that if I try and actually BELIEVE that the stuff I'm doing matters and could be something that would go on a resume or that my work could become valuable and impressive, I find myself a bit more motivated. It's like the sky opens up to me really.

I kind of trap myself in this hell of OH HURR DURR, I gotta do this or I will never find a job, become dependent on people who can't help me and then kill myself, durrrrrr.

Okay, that was a tad bit dark but c'mon, there's some hope that I won't just be another death of despair in the end of this journey. A little hope. And all it takes is that I delude myself into thinking my work is valuable and important to the world. Muahahahaha. So easy. 

I'm really envious of people who really feel as though their work is an impactful heroes journey enacted out in the world. Really really fucking envious.

I have done MOSTLY plant based this past week and it's causing all sorts of crazy state changes. I think I have realized that dropping too many noodles down the hatch is pretty bad. It's not really filling given the amount of calories going down. Also, really ADHD when I do. The tofu and veggies I ate this morning are sitting well. I stocked up fruits and peanut butters for lunch. Honestly, I think I'll just have veggies and fruits with nutty dips//hummus for lunch from now on. It's simple. The tofu scrambles for breakfast aren't too bad and OMG do I crave hamburgers sometimes. Like, just imagine a giant ... burger... hmmm. It's amusing.

I slept like a lot last night. Like, 6-7-8 then 1-10ish. Normally I'd say it's pretty bad but I'm feeling more positive right meow, so, uhm, what? Maybe I'm just really sleep deprived. With that terrible noise coming from the construction facility nearby at night, and smoke drifting in occasionally, AND THE LIGHT, it's pretty inhospitable actually. Pounding my eardrums with fan sounds to keep my mind calm is just really really not cool. Or, I just really really don't do well when I wake up early. Could be a thing... 

Problem -regarding sleep- is I've been having some pretty bad lows lately. I think my best response when a super low hits is actually to take a nap. Cause, I really do need to be investing my mental energies towards these ... productive and valuable contributions to society(assignments) and being in this low energy state makes it impossible to think. I guess it's the case that I actually can't just keep hitting my head against the wall and getting productivity out. I'm just not that type of person. Maybe others really are. But, I'm not. Time to acknowledge that.

I feel warm too. God, what is happening to me. Was it all this meditation? I've hit a 10 day in a row streak today so I've been rocking it. I'm glad Sam Harris slowed down on the, "find the observer" stuff too. That game is absolute agony. 

 

Anyways, to all those gaming quitters out there. It's really tough. But I do believe that are more positive and productive states to be found out there. It's important we set our sights and make our plans when we are on top of the hills, not trapped in the valleys. If you're in a valley right now. Take a step back. Breath. Maybe a nap. Maybe you just got to struggle. You got this. A new day will always come and there's always a chance that you can find your mind in a better place. I believe in us! 😁

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(49)
Only Cooked Food (0)
**** (0)

Whew, what a roller coaster ride. Monday was god awful I think I ended up in Hell somehow. I ate sugary foods at the end of Sunday. I ate mongolion beef. Monday I legit slept through my classes and felt out of touch and hung over. I finally got over it around 6 and just worked into the night. Woke up this morning using the 8a alarm clock thingy. Felt awake and I went through the routine. It took me from 8 to 12 To know out, Food, meditation, exercise, traveling, and settling down which is kinda long. I think I spent an hour in the middle there reading 'Atomic Habits' randomly. Spending money I don't have. To learn things about habits I already know. The usual stuff.

During the lows I was watching a lot of Starcraft 2. A LOT. I backed off and held fast, but DAMN WAS I CLOSE. Almost downloaded the blizzard installer and just went for it. You know, dopamine lows just make me feel FOGGY ALL DAY. I don't get anything done. Blah blah blah. So, why not just throw in an hour of gaming. I mean, I'm watching anime and wasting time anyways? Thta was the argument. I held fast though. ALMOST DAY 50.

Blegh, I'm almost over the pain of sacrificing possible social interactions for a possible financial future, but damn, I just... I'm still kind of shocked deep down you know... I could actually go to a club like that and become more expressive and experience more warmth. Like, I didn't know that was possible. But, doing that, cost me precious time that I should have been using to stabilize core habits and get ahead in schoolwork. It's just really smarts. For a brief 5 weeks I had the drama of a teenager and wasn't really getting much done. Now I'm deathly afraid I won't really pass this semester. Jeez. I really feel like this is a story of my life. I always felt like I couldn't experience these things because REASONS but now I actually do have a REASON and it feels really surreal. 

Like, oh wow, that possibly actually exists? Like oh wow, I can't engage in it due to my financial circumstance. This is a common thing for most people sure, but you gotta understand. Actually believing I could take a part in social things and take baby steps towards belonging somewhat. That just didn't register as a possibility.

Strange times I'm in. Hopefully I can put in the hard work and survive. Otherwise... I don't know what I'll do. Anyways, I'm going to get to work on my game development class now. Feeling tired but I think that state is good for that environment. It's terrible for research though. Research takes a lot of wakeness. Organizing information takes a lot out of me. But putting things together doesn't and playing around on blender. That's alright.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(52)
Cooked(0)
**** (0)

RIght, simplifying comms again.
Keeping up with school is tough. Very tough. I thought I could be open about something that troubling me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(53)
**** (0)

It is not enough. Foggy minds. Falling behind. These failures are unacceptable.
I'm done using willpower. IT'S TIME TO SHIFT THE ENVIRONMENT. ANY ADVANTAGE MUST BE UTILIZED. ALL OR NOTHING.

NOOTROPIC SHIFT
CAFFEINE POWERS IGNITE
GREEN TEA ACQUIRED

 

Edited by Rualani
That poster was completely unnecessary.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(54)
**** (0)

Ughh, I was all about trying my bestest with caffeine but this day has been terrible... Maybe the ... hype and energy method doesn't work for me. Gosh. So annoying. Blegh.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

detox(56)
****(0)

I'm simplifying this stuff. No more trying to freak out or hype up or beat myself up over failures. I'm just going to slowly plan out the next day and build good habits. Truth is, I'm just the end result of bad habits. That's all there is to it. Until stabilized I'm not sure how much of this 'mental' stuff I agonize about is going to help. It's unfortunate that I never lived a life where I built up good habits and now I'm reaping the consequences.

Well, there's one bad habit I'm taking down for good.
No gaming 56 days... Gonna keep pushing. 

Dreams:
Had a stressful oversleeping kind of dream. I woke up and found myself in a dorm somewhere. Panicking. Not belonging. Not home. Like, I had just joined a new college for the first time. It's was filled with stress and panic. I wonder if that's what it was like when I was younger??? Also, dreamed ABOUT PLAYING STARCRAFT 2. I LEGIT WOKE UP AND THOUGHT THAT I HAD BROKEN MY STREAK. I woke up feeling completely defeated. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(58)
****(0)

Green tea + pomodora improving productivity rates.
Cooking and eating normal food is hard, Fast food moving in to cause addiction. This could be a problem.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(62)
****(0)

Breakfast and Lunch
Breakfast and Lunch

Keep it hydrated
Keep it moving
Keep it cooking

Step by step I move somewhere else.
Step carefully now, or I fall way down.
No need to stress for this life is a mess.
Just take the steps needed to be somewhere better.

No stress, No stress
 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(63)
****(0)

Lots of cleaning and organizing today. Getting lost in all the things I have to to do. One full day of no digital consumption. Mind turned off as I slowly move. It's so annoying. So tiring. So agitating. I feel listliss and can't focus. 

Another day another day. Tomorrow we resume a healthy work day. 

Just remember your
breakfast and lunch.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(65)
****(1)

The day is becoming ordered. Being at home makes me realize that I had no order to getting things done. When I was at the library, at least the social pressure and the presence of the place inspired me to study. But in this lethargic room... where I would usually game... it felt as if there were no hope to get it done. 

Well today I got 6 hours in Pomodoros inside this room done. It was unfocused work. Sometimes I would dive into slight hits of dopamine through music. I found that listening to the Arc of Scythe series through audiobooks on my natural breaks to be a natural reprieve. Guess I'm reliving that Young Adult fiction reader I used to be. Audio books are so fast though. 

I must keep pushing though. I must install it into my mind and body that this is normal. That a section of my day will always be discipline and struggle. I will not wish that it were easy. I will work so that it may become easier. 
 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(66)
****(2)
Unproductive day again. I mean, I tried. I was on and off focusing, but there's this terrible foggy state I find myself in so often. It surely is bound to the sheer amount of oversleep I get usually. O'well. 

Also, I find myself being hungry a lot but I felt like I ate enough today. My concerns about body weight are conflicting with my hunger. The worst part is I can't tell when it's justified. When is my hunger something I can ignore and just how far am I overeating when I finally put the damn beast to rest. This is a common situation for me the more I reflect on it. A dance between hunger and satiation. Even in high school I always felt like I was starving. But, then I was quiet skinny so it matched up. Now, I have fat on me. I'd peg myself at around 27-30% right now. Obviously I want to trend it down, but if hunger is the main thing I use to determine if I'm getting too many calories, I'm kind of confused.

Also, hunger usually coincided with this lack of focus. But, I'm fat. How can that be. How can I have too much energy on my body but still feel unsatisfied and as if my mind needs more. I oversleep and get low energy and depressed. 

I'm going to try having a salad for lunch everyday... on top of what I normally do. I... have a feeling that that's a good first step forwards. I for one have no clue if my hunger is accurate or not, or if I'm merely eating food that leaves me feeling empty. But gods... the urge to get something else right now is so powerful. It distracts me from the day.

This endless scavenging.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Monday Posting
Detox(68)
****(0)

8 poms game development accomplished. I hate working at too high a abstract level.
Focus Estimation:  37%

Must wake up at 7. Will fight until goal achieved.
Secondary Goal. Continue making plant based recipes. Slowly and surely, I will find a way.

Light based alarm clock coming in. The two things my waking self fears. Light and water.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(70)
****(70)

Pfft, screw Poms. I just... need to... do it.
I hate this, I don't know how to keep focused.
Caffeine don't help.
Trying alcohol. Whatever the heck keep me working and not distracted. At this point. I don't care what it is.
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In my opinion the thing that keeps you focused is passion. A huge interest and happiness to do something. If you for instance enjoy the gym, the lifestyle, your resulting body and overall the experience how you perceive yourself as a fit person, you will be focused. The strategy to rage yourself through it, to battle and to turn it into a fight can work. But it will also cost you energy. So expect moments of failure, relapse and loss. Once that happens, don't give up, but try to learn from it. I see a lot of elements of fight in your posts.:

On 3/24/2020 at 5:38 AM, Rualani said:

Must wake up at 7. Will fight until goal achieved.

 

6 hours ago, Rualani said:

I just... need to... do it.

 

On 3/20/2020 at 2:24 AM, Rualani said:

I must keep pushing though.

 

On 3/20/2020 at 2:24 AM, Rualani said:

I will not wish that it were easy.

I did it exactely the same way. Until I hit my first moment of regression after a couple of months. I learned so much from that. Now I am a bit more balanced. When I wake up at 5, like I did today. I feel pleasure, I feel good, I feel motivated and work quite a lot. But despite that, I failed to do it for weeks. Before, I would have perceived myself as a failure because of it. Now I just don't care. I wake up at 5. Good, I wake up at 10. Also fine. My goals and passions are motivation enough. I also tried out things like learning new languages. It was very hard and not enjoyable. So I stopped. It is also fine to start a new book and don't finish it. Just doing something is all that counts. And than focusing on what you perceive as your passion is the most important thing. But I am not sure, if alcohol will help you in any kind. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself like a beautiful person. Give yourself good sleep, good food, exercise and productive work with breaks in between. 🙂

On 3/8/2020 at 2:50 AM, Rualani said:

These failures are unacceptable.

I think, failures are acceptable. Not only that - they are inavoidable. They are a good thing. They are like a feedback mechanism to help you adjust yourself. I think that you are a killer. You have a tough warrior mentality. You will achive your goals. I know it. I just want to tell you that there is a chance that you will fail eventually, you relapse on certain things or shortly burn out. Be prepared for that. Expect it and that learn from it to become more balanced. Keep fighting my friend!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(73)
???(0)
 

On 3/26/2020 at 3:37 AM, Alexanderle said:

In my opinion the thing that keeps you focused is passion. A huge interest and happiness to do something. If you for instance enjoy the gym, the lifestyle, your resulting body and overall the experience how you perceive yourself as a fit person, you will be focused. The strategy to rage yourself through it, to battle and to turn it into a fight can work. But it will also cost you energy. So expect moments of failure, relapse and loss. Once that happens, don't give up, but try to learn from it. I see a lot of elements of fight in your posts.:

Yeah, problem is I still don't really have anything passionate about what I do. This means that I will be stuck in a loop of exhausting myself for awhile. Still, I feel like I need to fight to establish something as basic as a early morning sleep schedule. I just have such an issue forcing myself awake early. I know some people who could stay up late and still pull through waking up early but I'm not there yet. It's frustrating.

 

In other news, I managed to wake up early once... haha. Now I woke up at 2!!!!. Blegh. #feelsbadman

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

well if it is hard to establish a morning routine, maybe start with something that is easy. A morning routine does not need to start early. Doing a couple of things right at a later time is also great. Maybe establish some grooming, regular shaving or not checking emails at first. Or spending your first time for mindfulness, meditation, yoga or a good healthy delicious meal. I don't know, what you might like. 🙂

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(77)
****(0)
chef(0)

Primary Focus: Wake up at 7. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Ideal Morning routine.
Awake.
Running. Habit was successful until winter came. Surprisingly my cardio endurance is still intact despite my swelling body fat ratio. I wonder what exactly it is that keeps my able to jog further? Heart strength? Once again, something that my reckless hunger preserves even if fatness is a consequence.

Secondary Focus: Screen Time dangerous. Use app to block off all distracting websites until end of work hours.

Habit Apps. Habit Habitica

Keystone Habits To keep an eye on
exercising
food journaling
G.T.D followup and review every week
gratitude journal


Naturally all these thoughts have once passed. No need to stress, for life is made of cycles. Embrace and don't resist.
repeat repeat repeat until they are me.
repeat

 

Edited by Rualani
extra keystone habit additions

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Adding Food journaling to this as a possible keystone habits. 
This will be a place where keystone habits are examined.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
“Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear?”

 Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

 

Detox(78)
****(0)
chef(0)

Woke up at 7:20 'ish. By the time the shower was over and I was finally in the moment it was around 8:00. 
Had tofu, peppers, avocado for breakfast.
I think my mind was full on and good to go by around 9 'ish. Got a solid 8 pomodoros within the span of 6-7 ' ish hours.
It all so inefficient but the sad truth is, this was a good day.

Still, I made a mistake. I grabbed a bunch of ... treats... from a convenience store instead of eating (peanut butter, oatmeal, blueberries) for lunch. Beef Jerky. Poptarts, Cream crackers. Basically Shit food. After indulging in two poptarts, beef jerky, and way too many crackers I grew horribly drowsy. Maybe just an hour nap I thought. 1 turned to 2. 2 turned to 3. Eventually around 7:30 ish I awake... 

9:30 'ish have eaten salad poke bowl for delivery. I should seriously learn how to make my own poke bowls. It was delish.

Now panick working on my project to make a 3D game. Another disappointment. I keep getting stuck which might be a result of the alpha state of the system or my own incompetence. I can never tell which it is.

Anyways, back to trying to figure out collision detection with Armory3D SINCE THIS getContacts METHOD IS FREEZING MY SYSTEM ARGH

 

Still, I awoke early and cooked breakfast. This act alone made the day so much better.
Also, making it so the alarm simply lights up the room may have been an act of genius. If the alarm yells I attack it and silence it for the day, then sleep. But when it shines, I begrudgingly try and sleep through it, slowly waking up.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Detox(80)
****(0)
chef(0)
Focus Booster( 1:40 )

Woke up around 11:40'ish. 
Ate... rest of poptarts and Oreo knockoffs for breakfast and prepackaged rice mix.
Kind of just watching anime or w/e without thinking. Reading articles. Search and cease to exist really. 
Brain was sort of processing around 2:00 ...
I was able to take a breath and hit the book around 3.00
I got a solid 2 hour pomodora session in and lingered on the assignment for some more time.
Eating Chili around 6. Beef, macaroni, tomato bases, onion and garlic.
More of obsessing over the assignment.
Now it's almost 9 and I'm down for winding down.
Between anime and untracked time I don't really know. Honestly, my days are pretty blurry when I don't discipline down. This virus outbreak doesn't change much. Though, I felt like it was easier to do when I could get to the library.

Drinking green tea and bracing myself seems to be a good start when I do get going. It's very very hard to get going. Gaming felt more proactive...
Hell, there's this gaming demo I was looking at for inspiration for my own game development class and I just found myself jumping around and testing the system they built. It was fun... Then I stopped. It was a rudimentary pre-alpha wall running build. Simple. Not fun. NOT FUN. DAMNIT. IT wasn't fun!

***Current day notes***
feel acidic. the sugar really just pushes my stomach over the edge. I'm pretty reliant on acidic tomato bases whenever I make soups. Very hard to make a high calorie meal for sustenance without making it lean too much acidic.

***The Next Day***
I want to wake up properly at 7.00
Going to aim to shower -> Teeth -> dress -> breakfast

***anticipated obstacles*** 
I"M OUT OF TOFU FOR BREAKFAST. I've been doing so well with tofu, pepper, garlic, onion scrambles. It's simple. I can do it.

***plans needed***
need a shopping plan. Probably Instacart. Something to get food for delivery. Becoming dependent on roomies for rides is not the way. Though, such rides can be optimized by always having a list of things to get.

 

repeat

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...