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Rualani

Journal 2: From gaming to choice.

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Detox(15)
????(2)

Well, I managed to to go the thing last night. It was once again more fun and rewarding once I got into the dance groove. That seems to be the case. I just have an infinite amount of social fear that debilitates and makes it hard for me to even THINK. Which is not good for a Senior in College. :<

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WARNING *** EXPLICIT LANGUAGE *** WARNING

 

Detox(16)
????(3)
Everything is so red omg.

Super feeling depressed today. I'm trying to meditatively monitor it and it feels low energy in many ways. One is my heart feels like it has a chain wrapped around it dragging it down, mind feels foggy yet super distracted, zoning out with negative emotional outcomes and past experiences. I want to withdrawal from this retarded attempt at dancing. I mean, I'm basically trying to dance with another generation. That's fucking weird. I'm weird. So I should fucking leave. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT THIS IS ANNOYING. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING I TRY AND ENJOY HAS SOME BULLSHIT ATTACHED TO IT. Like, I can't go out and enjoy fucking anything unless I've met all the criteria, because all this shit does in fact affect me and makes me this awkward fucking weirdo. I hate it so much. Can't go hiking because being a single male traveler might as well be the same as hauling around a fucking bazooka. RUN AWAY IN FEAR. HE HAS COME TO DROWN YOUR HYPE OUT IN HIS WEIRDNESS.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

+1 brief moment of suicidal ideation. Woohoo.

On another note, 

.

.

FUCK

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Why do you think that you a weird? I don't understand. You don't appear to me as a weirdo. At least not more than I am a weirdo. It might be hard right now, but you started the right path. Keep going. And pls stay with us. I don't know you a single bit, but I don't want you to have moments of suicidal ideation. 😞 

Take care man. You are not alone!

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Detox(18)
????(0)

Food is an issue. 
I need a transition to work phase.

Foggy, tired. irritated. 
But, stepping back, and focusing on either of those issues... Truly coming with a solution... 
I don't know.

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Detox(20)
????(0)

Meditating to start the day is probably the best practice given I have a habit of digital distraction instilled. It must be broken.

Utilizing Chamomile and Lavender tea to calm self down before transitioning to workflow. Seems counter-intuitive but I think I need to keep calm to work on. Work related stress and pressure will be more than enough for the job market when the time comes.

Nofap is far harder than I could have imagined... Just cleaned all my sheets so I better not falter again. That's usually a way to keep myself under control. Also, no horrible noise wavelengths coming from the construction facilities cooling/heating networks. That's nice. Weekends are nice. It's the one nice part of my life.

Anyways, dance at 6, I messaged the recruiter about how I felt with the age gap and everything and she just told me not to be so harsh on myself.  I think I'm going to practice alone a lot and work on modulating my energy. Try to gradually get comfortable with being energetic and ...

Image result for Gaz Invader Zim"

Happy. 

Anyways, we'll see if I get kicked out... I really don't know why I'm struggling so much for this. I guess I feel like it shouldn't be that big of a deal and the fact that it is quiet a big deal disturbs me and forces a confrontation. Also, this music is like literally the opposite of what I listened to growing up. Just imagining if anyone from high school saw me trying to do this is just hilarious. Oh god the shame.

There's... a lot there about generations and values and culture and stuff ... but the central question of what I want to do always remains unanswered and examined. Maybe that's why I'm doing this.

 

Edited by Rualani
specificity

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Detox(21)
????(1)

Tired again, ate a bunch of fast food in one sitting again. It's a common thing that occurs. I have so much to do. I need to get that pomodoro timing thing going. BLegh

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Detox(22)
????(2)

Well, I passed out at odd times yesterday.
Heart racing cause... went hungry and bought fast food. AGAIN. HNGRHGHH. It's like I hate my DNA or something.

Apparently... going to be dancing... in front of people. Haha. HAH. Cause, I just keep saying sure, yes, I'll do it. WOOH.
Seriously though, I think I understand why I'm doing this. It's me trying to shift my personality into a more... sociable state... I think ... Still, this is all very odd. I feel like I need to appreciate just how odd my situation has become. Still, I feel like all this moving around is helping my mental clarity, which is pretty much money. Mental Clarity = Money essentially.

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Detox(23)
????(3)

Morning Tradition. I wake up at 8 more commonly, but always exhausted. Very difficult.
Nighttime Tradition. Going to sleep later and later again and just will-powering through wake-up. Blegh. It's all frustration. Freedom has failed because there's time at which I...
                                     Alright. I'll change it so it eliminated high intensity levels of distraction but not everything.

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Detox(24)
????(4)

Mornings: Must awake at 8.
Evenings: Nights getting later. It's actually much harder for me to go to sleep after physical exertion.

A thought: I did yoga and boy I'm insecure about waving my ass around. I secretly wish I had a sexy ass though. Damnit. Glute Goals.

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47 minutes ago, Rualani said:

Detox(24)
????(4)

Mornings: Must awake at 8.
Evenings: Nights getting later. It's actually much harder for me to go to sleep after physical exertion.

A thought: I did yoga and boy I'm insecure about waving my ass around. I secretly wish I had a sexy ass though. Damnit. Glute Goals.

What do you do before bed? I've found reading to calm me down a bit and help me fall asleep it's helped me sleep before midnight ever since I started. Glute goals are real. It's very important because you can look at yourself and say "GUUUUUURL, HOW YOU DOINNNN" and be proud, no matter your gender lol. 

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Detox(25)
????(5)

 

15 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

What do you do before bed? I've found reading to calm me down a bit and help me fall asleep it's helped me sleep before midnight ever since I started. Glute goals are real. It's very important because you can look at yourself and say "GUUUUUURL, HOW YOU DOINNNN" and be proud, no matter your gender lol. 

Bah, I try everything. I feel like there needs to be a conscious choice to halt my mind.

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Detox(27)
????(7)
Aight, I'm seriously bad at going to sleep after physical exertion. SERIOUSLY BAD. Honestly, I need a 10 - 6 job or sumthing like that because omg waking up early is just too terrible. TERRIBLE. Also, need to squeeze my nighttime routine. I usually want to ... look up shit and meander on about whatever when there's no time to do. I'm dependent on the energy levels in my mind at the end of the day. The physical exertion stuff is nice but there's a level of intellectual stimulation I'm missing.

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Detox(29)
????(9)

So, just practiced dance for 5 frigging hours. It was fantastic. Being part of a team and improving a series of coordinate physical movements is really fun. But..

Goddamnit, I can't stop thinking about the time I'm engaging in this. Like, why did I not reach out to a club like this my first time in college. Why did I not do anything when I was of the proper age. Why, why, why. I don't understand. I feel an itch coming on. A need to parse the past again. But why. Why, why, why. Why do I have to parse the past. It's torture. What's there to be gained. I must though.

I must look at all of it. Fairly. It's like watching a train wreck though. Watching something wretched, neglected, and abused fall into itself. 

Maybe I'm hyping it up in a negative way too much. Far too much. Still, the past calls again. Begging to be reframed with this new experience. 
*sigh*

 

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Oooh I know that feeling all too well. To be dwelling in the ruins of our past. It sometimes helps to just absorb that enormous feeling of regret, take a deep breath and focus on the task ahead. It tends to turn in to nostalgia instead of sadness, if you know what I mean. 

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Detox(30)
????(10)
Poms(4)
Food: (2)
Work: (3)

Score: Give yourself a pat on the back, for the journey has just started and plenty of hills to climb.

 

Correlating Thoughts:

this itchy itchy scalp, that I decry
I just wanted Qdoba, is that so wrong.
But, I didn't cook, I didn't even try.
Haven't had a decent plan in so long 
So transparent these issues may be,
pound for pound,
they take a piece out of me.
Willpower or strength
Mindfulness or courage
Which of these is the key?
What would it ever take,
to be dandruff free

 

TL:DR
Fast food sucks.

Edited by Rualani
Peanut Butter and Jelly Time. Where You at, uh uh uh oh yeh.

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Detox(31)
????(10)
Poms(1)
Fastfood(yes): Chinese :<
Work: Blegh

Score: Gotta be able to perform under pressure.

So... I did a kind a performance today. Apparently a fraternity was auctioning themselves out as a ... date? Or something? And yeah, we danced and stuff. 
It was CRAZY. But honestly, all I really saw was a giant light glaring in my face. Judging me, silently.

Anyways, in review... I think I find myself slightly regretful. The show was on and over in a flash and it really felt like I wasn't 'present' with the dance. I just remember trying to find my spot int the formation desperately instead of channeling energy (if that's possible). Also, VERY HARD to fit in this social world. Not really surprising and personally I am pretty sure there is 0% chance of me belonging in any way. I'm not sure I can even change it ,but if I quit nothing will happen FOR SURE.



 

 

 

 

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I think you'll start to fit in more the more you do it. We adapt to the behaviors of people around us, that's why people who never go out are always weird. Lol

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Detox(32)
Nofap(11)
Poms(4)
Fastfood(rest of chinese)

Work: I SPENT ALL MY TIME WRESTLING MY SEXUAL URGES. AHHHHHH. I just wanted to, hnghh, FOCUS and get my data science competition score higher. I wanted to USE XGBOOST. BUT NO, COULDN'T EVEN. *sigh*

So, I've been doing this weird thing with libido. Kind of like, using dance, yoga, tai-chi -SOMETHING- motions to distribute the libido throughout the body. Like, Sort of following the energy flow and trying to psychically take it back from my fucking balls. It's fun and productive feeling to redistribute it, but it really doesn't help my focus up. If I can figure out how to deal with that issue maybe. 

 

 

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Detox(33)
Nofap(12)
Poms(0)

Spent time with family. State got worse. Food? Alcohol? Family? I don't know. Something is weakening me when I'm around them though. Something... draining me. I must become independent and create a new environment. I don't know what went wrong with their environment. But for now, I'm going to say it's dangerous to me. Too many of those experiences and I'll withdrawal away from the few things I'm doing to try and improve. And if I give up on improvement, I will surely become less attractive. Psychologically, Socially, Culturally, Energetically, Physically, Spiritually, all of it. If that happens.

I won't make it.
 

 

Edited by Rualani
I can't count

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Detox(34)
Nofap(13)
Poms(5)
FOOD(Ate moRE CHINES E FU:CK)
UGH WORK SO HARD UGH

So, today was better. This dance thing I'm going to really is a driver of good feels for me. But, every-time before I go, I almost convince myself not to. It's like... I don't get it. I make such a big deal out of these things because I perceive myself as being unwanted, disgusting, and a total drag on others. I guess my fear is becoming a little less vague. I still don't know how I'm continually going.

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Detox(35)
Nofap(14)
Poms(6)
Food(chinest, lol)

So, I couldn't do it.

I called the quits.
I retreated.
Felt horrible.

I'm just tired of having this stony and broken look to me. My gaze reveals the torn up imprisoned one inside and in turn casts the same light. Where I look, prison bars appear and silence people into an awkward uncertainty. Well, I'm not taking any more people with me. I'm just not doing it. Not anymore. 

I have my goals. Do my homework. Become competent in a domain within Computer Science. Get the job. Get the place. And hopefully I don't shoot myself when I sign the lease.

Life Goals

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Detox(36)
Nofap(0)
Poms(3)
Food(last... half chinese)

Well, i printed out a vegan meal plan at 2000 cals for 4 days. Hoping that incorporating more of these recipes will cause a change. I think I jumped a little too far. Need to have a better foundation. Food is wrecking havoc on me. I just need some stable high cal recipes that aren't terribad for me. ANything to keep me from fast food. I'm willing to bet a lot of what happened yesterday was made worse by this issue. I'm not taking back that decision, but, eh, I gotta learn from it. Eee,gods my stomach is in agony..

Some notes on nofap. The impulse is... shockingly devoid of hope. I felt it last night as I struggled. It's not like there's an overwhelming amount of sexual energy. It's more like... the very notion of sexuality is just too painful to me. Too distant and painful. It makes me want to eliminate it. That's why my streak failed. I'll have to keep searching for another group.

On the work ethic part sleep is a major problem. I'm having a huge issue staying productive and on task.  Slept 5 - 8:30 P.M. Today. Just woke up. WTF? God, everything is a mess. EVERYTHING. I've been struggling to bad about things. Trying to shake it off is a pain. Once again. I think food is a major contributing factor.

Everything boils down to what I eat. Even money management is critically effected by it. *sigh*

This all just ... hurts. The worst thing is... When I was younger I might have had a freakout or a cry down. I remember a few times this happened. But there was not an ounce of comfort from the people around me. I had the same issue when others needed comfort. I am from a very cold place. I'm sick of it. I don't know the way out. I can't tell if it's simply too late. I'm STILL FIGHTING FOR SOMETHING AS BASIC AS NUTRITION. It's all just so overwhelming.

I don't really care about my degree. Some people enjoy thinking about those problems. My mind is just forever trying to get away. I was hoping a dopamine reset would fix that but god knows how long that will take. I've lost my religion. I've lost my one chance at being more socially attuned so I'm not the awkward freak that everyone sees. 
And I'm still killing my body with fast food.

I simply don't know how to get out of this. I feel like there's just too many damn thing clawing me back in the dark where a desperately hack it off one limb at a time. They just keep coming.  I keep telling myself that it's simply a matter of having the resources to open the door to opportunities since our culture has made all social opportunities dependent on such a thing.

The therapist don't know. The groups don't know. The medicine don't know.The self-helpers don't know. I don't know. No one fucking knows.



 

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Detox(37)
Nofap(1)
poms(6)
Food <- taco bell
Mood <- Agitation

At least breakfast was good. I got a sheet printed out with vegan recipes for 4 days so If I grab that and successfully build those that will go a long way I believe. A little too dependent on rides from roomates...Perhaps I should just get out there and bike all my food home... Need storage... and stuff. Grr.

 I still feel like my heart got ripped to pieces over that one thing. I desperately need a group/social/team/ thingy. Looks like I should have been playing sports as a kid. Once again. Too little, too fucking late. *sigh* I don't really know where to go with this. Only reason I'm typing right now is trying to focus on this 3-d game engine crap is annoying me. I feel like I'm just washing away hours upon hours for no reward. None at all. I think I need to step back.

Opened my old skillshare account and reopened the guitar lessons. Since a major point of friction with the club was the values/style of the music I was listening too, perhaps I should try constructing something of my own. Ah shoot, a visual migraine is kicking in... Oooohhshh, spots everywhere. I hate these. 

Anyways, where was I? Typing blind? Right, I feel shit about the dancing that is not happening right now. I feel shit about the social tuning that is not happening. I need an outlet. Bad. Also, never knew I needed an outlet. 

Worse, my mind doesn't naturally want to stick with the assignments I'm doing for my degree. This hints at a lack of compatibility between my personality and professional focus. Taking all these factors together, how is it not game over? I'm genuinely curious about why I'm struggling so much. Perhaps it's just that the alternative still  scares me more. Maybe I believe that I can still salvage this situation and find one shred of human belonging and warmth out there. It all seems so far away. I've spent my life looking away from this faint warmth drifting off in the distance. This distance flame far far away. My life is like a game of Dark Souls. Except, that I got sick of the game play and abandoned my save, lol.

It's all rather hard to believe in any of that though. *sigh* I TRY TO FOCUS AND TELL MYSELF TO MAN UP AND DO HOMEWORK, BUT HOMEWORK IS CREATIVE and CAN'T ... BE...FORCED. HWUUUUARGH.

So, yeah, I have to find the right state of mind and there's no 'hard logic' that can save me anymore. No more disciplining myself up and "JUST DO IT" happening. Congratulation me, I placed myself in a situation where I would be 100% flow or blow up fantastically. I do so enjoy torturing myself with the lofty challenges. 

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