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mansauce

Someone to talk to

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Hey,

I'm having a moment of lucidity and it's one I want to use to try and reach out. Embarrassment is apparently par for the course when talking about this stuff, and believe me when I say its a very uncomfortable place I'm in right now, but I wouldn't do this if I didn't think I had to. I'm pretty sure I have to. 

I don't know if I'm in control anymore. I come home and sit down at the computer, and go to sleep. Whether that is 3 hours or 10, doesn't matter. I can't bring myself to cook, to clean, to do laundry. I take time to groom, sure, but that's because I'm far more mortified of being unhygenic than I am of being messy. I keep telling myself tomorrow, or just this one day, or one expansion... but I never hit the point of going "okay, time to put this down and ignore it for other things."

I do have a very addictive personality. I've been a smoker, switched to vaping and now find myself in the same spot with that. Recreational marijuana user (Canadian here), though I take the sobriety breaks seriously for 3 months at a time. I think that is what makes this all the more frustrating for me - I can give up smoking weed for a long time and I enjoy it too, but I honestly can't remember the last time I spent more than a week- no 3 days without playing something on my computer. I gave away my high end rig for my brothers old alienware laptop thinking the reduced graphics would knock my desire to play off. Nada, I just switched to games that demand less off of my PC. I binge youtube when I get burned out with something.

I am looking for some help. I know the problem, I recognize it is colouring so many things about my experience, but I have NO IDEA what to do now. I want to find a way to frame it in my head such that I can move on to a "proper" way of living, much like I had before. I was very dedicated to being fit and healthy, but it's taken a backseat to this. (I'm not unfit, I have a very physically demanding job, I mean more as nutritionally and sleep schedule-y) I have other things I'm currently dealing with as well but that's only tangentially relevant to what I think is a far bigger problem. I don't know if such a thing as a sponsor exists, but I would love to just talk on a one-on-one basis to someone about this.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this. I'm sorry if this is coming across as sterile but I would rather get it out somehow than not at all. 

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I know this goes against every instinct as a man, but I actually got myself a counselor.  Someone not in my family, church, or work that basically listens.  I can't say it's revolutionized my life, but sometimes just hearing myself say the idiocy I am engaged in helps me.

I advise against Psychotherapy, my opinion of them is that they're drug pushers.  My mental state should not come from a bottle.  That's just my opinion. 

It sounds to me like you have depression going on, but ask a professional.  I found a local counselor on the Psychology Today web site.

Barring that, you can spill here.

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Breaking the cycle is tough, but you're here talking it about it now, so congrats! I'm an ex-pot user (not legal in Aus), for 3 yrs I smoked heavily everyday and didn't take any breaks (Only forcibly when I couldn't get ahold of any, but would be spending all my time 'sober' trying to get more). I'm 1 and a half yrs sober now.

I only quit pot cause I found something much more important to me. It's something that really connected with me on a personal level, where I felt like I NEED to do it. Before then, I distanced myself from my buddies (We haven't been friends since) and began focusing on myself. I did that because I felt like I was losing myself, not staying true to who I was and was nothing how I was before. I just kept smoking alone, but started to explore all day - what I want to learn/know? What do I want to get out of life? What do I think is cool? It was like a process of re-discovering myself. The best thing about it was I was never focused on quitting and actually had no intention of quitting pot. I was just so involved, excited and happy to be focusing on myself again and learning.

I highly recommend you explore your interests. Especially explore on youtube if you don't know what you want to do. Watch videos about specific things you'd want to try or have interest in as a hobby. Find things you want to learn about. A next step above that would be to set yourself a goal (an intention) based around something you WANT to do. Gaming always has progression - but ppl don't really set themselves goals irl (A system of progression).

As for one on one talk, i've got a counsellor (I'm a woman btw) and she's more of a life coach to me than what I expected from a counsellor (Tho i've been with her for almost 5yrs now). If you're not wanting a counsellor, surely there's some life coaches or something alike to that out there that could also help you. I'd try looking around locally first before the internet to look for one. It's hard to keep your honesty without physicallity imo.

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Hey mansauce, one thing to try is play a compulsive little game called  "Start -> Shut Down". Every time you are on the computer, if you touch the mouse or keyboard, you play the game. So every time you start the computer you have to shut it down. It's very silly, but it uses impulsivity to waste your computer time. After a few shut downs you'll probably be so annoyed by the computer that you don't press the Power on button for a while. Once you are sitting next to the computer staring at the power button and not really wanting to switch it on, try to write something or maybe clean/tidy one item in the room.

Have a notebook and a pen handy and just write what you think. You may learn a lot about what you want, how you feel about things, what you are curious about.

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