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FIghtingForLife

Trying again - this time taking on both Gaming & Alcohol

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Hi All. 

I tried last time doing this on game quitters reddit. It did help alot, however I have realized that my cutdown in gaming has been replaced with drinking..and now they are connected. So I no longer play 10 hours a night, but I play 1-4 hours a night with a couple shots and a couple beers. Some nights are far worse than others, having 10+ drinks affecting my work the next day. Today is another one of those days, and I am sick of it. All gaming did was piss me off, I drank too much, only got 4 hours of sleep, and today my brain is fried. I work in a "brain intensive" industry so being limited from drinking/lack of sleep/ lack of focus due to thinking of games - is very impactful on my quality of work.

Brief back ground: Started gaming at 8, really picked up at ~11. Grades slipped, and I had little social life in high school. Only social life I had was drugs and alcohol, then I would go home and game. During the school year I would play 6+ hours a day, during the summer I would play 14+ hours per day. The games varied. Now I am 31, been through ups and downs. Found gamequitters a few years ago, and it helped for a bit, ~ 6 months. But over time it faded, drinking and gaming picked back up, and depression came along with it. I love being outside and exercising, but the lack of energy I have from lack of sleep/drinking/depression has been decreasing my ability to exercise, which increase the amount of time I game and drink..a great cycle here.

Recently, I have started feeling suicidal again. It was getting bad the first time I "quit" gaming, and it helped after working on the reddit. Depression meds I am taking are not as effective as they once were. I believe it is truly due to me not being happy with my life, because I am losing it to sitting on my ass at home. I have three kids, and I sit on my ass...drinking and gaming. WTF. Oh man. Well. This is why I am here. With me the drinking leads to gaming, and the gaming leads to drinking. Trying to just cut one out is not going to work for me, its gotta be both this time. Going to use one of the templates. I am so glad GameQuitters is here, I doubt I would be here today without it. Thank you! I hope to post here daily, for at least the first 60 days. No replies needed for sure - this is a journal for me. Fighting for life, for sure.

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I really respect what you are doing and I can only begin to imagine the war that raging within you. Your handle says it all. Fighting for life. 

"I have three kids, and I sit on my ass...drinking and gaming." Speaks volumes to me. Let them become your motivation to fight. Get pictures and put them around your neck. 

I am and others here will be praying for you. If you can, I highly recommend getting into counselling. The drinking, gaming, drugs, they are all coping mechanisms to hide from the pain or anger built up inside. Find someone you can trust to talk about it with. If you don't face your pain, the gripe or need for coping won't go down. Toss all that nonsense away that men can't talk about how they feel, it leaves you bottled up like poison in your soul. 

A man's spirit will endure sickness,
    but a crushed spirit who can bear?
Proverbs 18:14 ESV
 

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So, weekend went alright. Not as well as I would hope, but more good than bad. We'll see how it goes going forward. Going to put a "90" for days to give me a goal, but I plan on stopping for life on gaming. Drinking will be limited to social events, most likely no alcohol at home. Still working that one out though.
DAY: 1 or 90 (5/3)
Time I woke up: 730am
Time I went to sleep yesterday:  2am
Physical task: Couple 10 minutes walks at work
Mental task: Work! 😓
Projects: None
Miscellaneous accomplishments: No games or drinking
Summary of Day #: Went to work, did alright. Though still feeling the effects of the previous nights drinking and gaming.
What I am grateful for today: My kids - they are growing, but they have great hearts

DAY: 2 or 90 (5/4)
Time I woke up: 620am
Time I went to sleep yesterday:  930pm
Physical task: 4 hours of flag football
Mental task: Created a website I have wanted to start for a long time. Just a start - but its the first step. This is a general website for hobbies and such, will evolve as I go for sure.
Projects: Website
Miscellaneous accomplishments: No games or drinking - Finally got out to play football!
Summary of Day #: Sore, that is all I can say. Haha. Extremely fun, but man my body has a way to go
What I am grateful for today: Opportunity to play football! My legs didnt get injured like they did last year, just sore. Excited to play more football over the summer!

DAY: 3 or 90 (5/5)
Time I woke up: 630am
Time I went to sleep yesterday:  9pm
Physical task: Finished arranging a couple rooms that I started last week. It was very slow going, outrageously sore today. 
Mental task: None
Projects: None
Miscellaneous accomplishments: Actually moved through my soreness to get some stuff accomplished
Summary of Day #: I finished the alcohol at the house and gamed (Rocket League and Madden 19) for 5 hours. I made the excuse of "finishing the alcohol in the house", and everything hurt (too sore). I dont feel bad about it since I had so much fun at football and I was recovering. However it will depend on how I handle everything going forward. Restarting my counter.
What I am grateful for today: The ability to relax while I recover. I did not need to do any major physical activities. Everything physical I did is stuff I wanted to do.

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DAY: 1 or 90 (5/6)
Time I woke up: 615am
Time I went to sleep yesterday:  10pm
Physical task: Couple 10 minutes walks at work
Mental task: Work! 😓
Projects: None
Miscellaneous accomplishments: No games or drinking. Great progress on some work projects
Summary of Day:  Day went well. Work, then watched some tv with the family, and worked on one of my hobbies for about an hour. Got to bed on time. If I can be happy with these days going forward, should be good to go. Got a ciuncelling appointment set up for next week, not sure what to say at it, but hopefully it'll help.
What I am grateful for today: My wife. For sticking through this with me, through all my crap.

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4 hours ago, FIghtingForLife said:

DAY: 1 or 90 (5/6)
Time I woke up: 615am
Time I went to sleep yesterday:  10pm
Physical task: Couple 10 minutes walks at work
Mental task: Work! 😓
Projects: None
Miscellaneous accomplishments: No games or drinking. Great progress on some work projects
Summary of Day:  Day went well. Work, then watched some tv with the family, and worked on one of my hobbies for about an hour. Got to bed on time. If I can be happy with these days going forward, should be good to go. Got a ciuncelling appointment set up for next week, not sure what to say at it, but hopefully it'll help.
What I am grateful for today: My wife. For sticking through this with me, through all my crap.

Very glad to hear this. So beautiful that you have someone beside you and great you made this decision. Hoping it continues like that, wish you all the best!

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DAY: 2 or 90 (5/7)
Time I woke up: 630am
Time I went to sleep yesterday:  930pm
Physical task: Couple 10 minutes walks at work
Mental task: Work! 😓
Projects: None
Miscellaneous accomplishments: No games or alcohol.
Summary of Day:  Irritible day today. Not too sure why, but made it through with no games or alcohol. So, a positive for sure
What I am grateful for today: Having a stable job, with managers that support me

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DAY: 3 or 90 (5/8)
Time I woke up: 600am
Time I went to sleep yesterday:  1015pm
Physical task: Couple 10 minutes walks at work
Mental task: Work
Projects: None
Miscellaneous accomplishments: No games or alcohol.
Summary of Day:  Decent day, though really bad cravings for gaming and alcohol. Made it through. I have been spending too much time on my phone reading nfl stuff and watching Netflix. Need to figure out how to approach this, as it is not helping.
What I am grateful for today: The sun! Man the past few days have been beautiful! Hopefully the west coast doesn't catch on fire this year.

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DAY: 4 or 90 (5/9)
Time I woke up: 630am
Time I went to sleep yesterday:  1020pm
Physical task: 2 20 minute walks
Mental task: Work!
Projects: Not much
Miscellaneous accomplishments: No games or alcohol.
Summary of Day:  Grumpy again, decent day though. Just work then home to keep then sleep. Nothing special. Physically having some issues (headaches + stomach issues), making this more difficult (normally I would zone out playing games to ignore these issues).
What I am grateful for today: Chance to catch queen ants today. Alot were flying, it helps distracting myself from cravings having something like this to focus on.

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As a father of 3 kids, I'm supporting you here !

I relapsed many times, and each time I got up quickly, it resisted better so you have the right move here.

If your kids like playing soccer or with a ball, you can play with them as an exercize, works well to sweat and have fun.

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Hi all,
Going through a fairly big "depressive episode" I guess you could call it. Setting my "anti game" stuff to the side for now to keep an escape, as I definitely need something currently. Alcohol is still out, and starting counselling today. After I get a bit more stable, I will work on tackling my gaming. But to keep myself from doing something stupid, an escape from life is needed. Ill hop back on this one when I am ready, one thing at a time. Thank you all for your support, and I hope to be able to take this on later this year!

Edited by FIghtingForLife
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