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Gaming the System 005 - The Link Between Gaming and Depression

Ikar

Ikar's Diary

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Day 124:

Alright, the time is finally ripe for a big update. Some of it are gonna be my own thoughts of my past and some of them are gonna be things I discussed with the people I know. 

Going back to my past, I am inclined to believe that the relationship was the classic romantic love. There was passion, there was connection, but no lasting trust/commitment. All of that was done unconsciously.

That is probably nothing new, however it might be the explanation for my drive for connection/sex I am working on experiencing again, BUT also consciously throwing in the responsibility/trust factor in to make the next relationship last longer. I am still new to the concept of responsibility, but I believe I made a good headway the last 4 months.

I also notice the "savior" complex to try and help someone (without going into much detail IF they actually deserve/need help) is still present in me. It was there when I tried to "help" my ex out of depression, it was still partly there when we had some issues on the workplace recently.

I have to be conscious of that and try to cop around for the justice of others less. Their problems are theirs and my problems are mine. That's that.

Another one I found out is that "If you want peace, prepare for war." applies to human relationships as well.

It sounds strange, but for example if I call out someone on lying to me, I do not do it to invalidate all the good things they have done before and show them they are completely untrustworthy. I do it because I want to make them aware of it and find out why they were lying AND I will be happy if they return the favor sometime in the future when I might get out of line myself.

Honestly, I do not think one can maintain this kind of a relationship with everyone they regularily meet. Family, romantic partner and friends, and that is probably all. It will probably not include a random Joe at work, though maybe if you call him out and he accepts the callout gracefully, you might become friends through that. Who knows, life is weird!

Back to the saying, I would say most people are not prepared for war with most people, so peace (which I guess is friendship in this analogy) is impossible and rather, they have an armistice. Chances are there is plenty of unmarked mines laying around, ready to blow up and send them both to war.

And a classic to top it off, you cannot make someone change. They can be a liar, racist, arrogant prick, stomping kids' sandcastles on a beach - whatever. You can perhaps try to make them aware of the issue, but that is all you can do.

It was sure a long entry, but it sums up my summer work experience and a few other bits that help me understand myself and others.

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Day 125:

Nothing special happened today.

Yesterday, I could not sleep for a while, because I napped too much during the day. I know I did about 6 days of true nofap and 18 days without ejaculatory masturbation up until yesterday. My thoughts regarding this are positive now.

Tomorrow:

monthly rep, 4 months, short walk, cook (money invest), podcast GQ, (book+write), laundry, GRS.

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And a classic to top it off, you cannot make someone change. They can be a liar, racist, arrogant prick, stomping kids' sandcastles on a beach - whatever. You can perhaps try to make them aware of the issue, but that is all you can do.

Right on in agreement! I think it's around 1 in 25 people that are sociopaths and whenever I encounter one I go "Oh look, there's one of those assholes. This increases the chance the next person I meet will not be an asshole!" and when we are forced to be in proximity to them, all we have is our influence and what we choose to do with what is presented to us! Glad you are finding time to make connections around you and figure things out for yourself!

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4 hours ago, BrassWolf said:

Right on in agreement! I think it's around 1 in 25 people that are sociopaths and whenever I encounter one I go "Oh look, there's one of those assholes. This increases the chance the next person I meet will not be an asshole!" and when we are forced to be in proximity to them, all we have is our influence and what we choose to do with what is presented to us! Glad you are finding time to make connections around you and figure things out for yourself!

Thanks for the comment, made me write what I thought about before.

I think this might have something with the fact that I am still young and perhaps not as acceptant when people do not go in line with my values (this particular one was honesty). This was the section I am talking about:

On 8/22/2019 at 10:36 PM, Ikar said:

It sounds strange, but for example if I call out someone on lying to me, I do not do it to invalidate all the good things they have done before and show them they are completely untrustworthy. I do it because I want to make them aware of it and find out why they were lying AND I will be happy if they return the favor sometime in the future when I might get out of line myself.

It stems from the fact moral relativism/nihilism messed up a lot of my life. I think I would be able to justify a murder, if I was set out in some circumstance for a longer time.

I do not think true integrity can come from such behavior. I think integrity needs rules. Those rules need to be revised time from time, but they also need to be actually acted out. Only then you can perhaps push through harder times without fretting, even if lying would be the easy way out.

What is perhaps interesting is that lies are generally inactions ("I will do this tomorrow."), rather than the act of consciously saying something you know to be untrue.

Kinda wish I was in better focus now, but I hope that my reaction is still somewhat congrugent.

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Day 126:

I searched for investment advice during the morning. I am still somewhat confused, but I think I will be able to make a somewhat informed decision in several days if I keep researching daily. I also found some time to chill and read some articles.

In the afternoon, I spent 3 hours outside. I am leaving home soon, so I am trying to make the most of my stay here.

Evening I spent writing to friends and here. I did not do a lot of my list, but I nailed the most important thing, so I am fine with today!

Tomorrow:

monthly rep, 4 months @ home, cook (moneyinvest), podcast GQ, (book+write), laundry, GRS, meditate

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Day 127:

In the morning, I researched finance again and did laundry. I cooked quite a bit for lunch, then I meditated. I wrote a substantial part of the monthly report, but I will wait one more day to see if I think of something more to add. I also talked with my parents. I listened to some music and watched some Peterson in the evening. I did not go outside today, because it is raining and the wind is strong.

Very good day.

Edited by Ikar
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Day 128:

This is my last week at a full-time job for quite some time, at least that is what I think now! I am trying to end up on a good note.

After work, I ate, wrote, then read some interesting articles here on finances and thrifty lifestyle. I also wrote my grandma. I was outside only for a little bit, as the weather is fairly bad. I am currently cooking a chicken for dinner.

Another good one for the count. Diversification for each day works.

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Day 129:

I think it is nearly impossible for a person to not enjoy the end of their employment, but hopefully I am doing it for the right reasons this time.

After work, I ate, wrote and went to visit the Icelander, likely for the last time. We discussed some interesting topics.

We discussed food, prices, nutrition values and the overall logic behind these. He also mentioned his near-vegetarianism, which is actually a good way to save a ton of money (and enviroment) for meat!

Myself, I have been eating a lot these days, especially vegetables, and somewhere along the way in the last few weeks, I gained about 5 kilos of weight, meaning I am back to my army weight a year ago. I like that, because I have been planning to get heavier a notch.

I also mentioned my memory got improved by planning my days, or at least doing mindful activities, even after work. I do not schedule my days in Iceland per se, but I know where to put my focus and that is good enough. I hope to keep this up even after I return home!

Last thing I mentioned was trust and self-fulfilling prophecies.

If my boss does not trust me to do my work well (and decides to put his doubts out loud), then I indeed have one less reason to do it well. 

Another example is this. If my girlfriend thinks I am cheating on her, I might as well do that, since I am guilty in her eyes no matter what anyway. The second option is to leave, but either way, the relationship is in a bad place.

After the talk, we said goodbye and parted.

I did not manage to do anything else for today otherwise, but the long talk was worth it.

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2 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 129:

I think it is nearly impossible for a person to not enjoy the end of their employment, but hopefully I am doing it for the right reasons this time.

After work, I ate, wrote and went to visit the Icelander, likely for the last time. We discussed some interesting topics.

We discussed food, prices, nutrition values and the overall logic behind these. He also mentioned his near-vegetarianism, which is actually a good way to save a ton of money (and enviroment) for meat!

Myself, I have been eating a lot these days, especially vegetables, and somewhere along the way in the last few weeks, I gained about 5 kilos of weight, meaning I am back to my army weight a year ago. I like that, because I have been planning to get heavier a notch.

I also mentioned my memory got improved by planning my days, or at least doing mindful activities, even after work. I do not schedule my days in Iceland per se, but I know where to put my focus and that is good enough. I hope to keep this up even after I return home!

Last thing I mentioned was trust and self-fulfilling prophecies.

If my boss does not trust me to do my work well (and decides to put his doubts out loud), then I indeed have one less reason to do it well. 

Another example is this. If my girlfriend thinks I am cheating on her, I might as well do that, since I am guilty in her eyes no matter what anyway. The second option is to leave, but either way, the relationship is in a bad place.

After the talk, we said goodbye and parted.

I did not manage to do anything else for today otherwise, but the long talk was worth it.

I think you're making a lot of mindful decisions now compared to what you were doing months ago. Planning creates a dependable routine and organization that prevents you from having to keep memorizing things and ending up forgetting something you had planned. The healthy eating and exercise is important to every facet in your life. Keep this up.

As for the relationship. I think you should just move on. I seem to remember talking to you about it when I first starting reading your post a few months back. I think you're better without her and will find somebody else who supports your life in a good way and just loves you for you eventually.  But I have no say. Just a thought.

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9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think you're making a lot of mindful decisions now compared to what you were doing months ago. Planning creates a dependable routine and organization that prevents you from having to keep memorizing things and ending up forgetting something you had planned. The healthy eating and exercise is important to every facet in your life. Keep this up.

As for the relationship. I think you should just move on. I seem to remember talking to you about it when I first starting reading your post a few months back. I think you're better without her and will find somebody else who supports your life in a good way and just loves you for you eventually.  But I have no say. Just a thought.

It is more about always having something useful in mind and taking some time to do it on a daily basis. If you manage to put some at least 30 minutes daily towards some bigger goal (right now mine is personal finance), so it does not bite you in the ass in the future, I think that is a good start. Add one or two more things to that daily and there is gonna be a huge difference between you and a TV couch potato in a few weeks. 

Haha, I actually did not think of her writing that (at least not consciously!), as I do not think she ever thought that, but who knows. It was meant to be a hypothetical scenario.

Anyway, she did love me for me (as I did her), but in the wrong way. You are right I am better off without her and that she is (hopefully) better off without me as well. It makes me think that we kept reinforcing each other in out bad habits/attitudes, so in this regard, the relationship actually worked out nicely, if that was our goal 😄

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

It is more about always having something useful in mind and taking some time to do it on a daily basis. If you manage to put some at least 30 minutes daily towards some bigger goal (right now mine is personal finance), so it does not bite you in the ass in the future, I think that is a good start. Add one or two more things to that daily and there is gonna be a huge difference between you and a TV couch potato in a few weeks. 

Haha, I actually did not think of her writing that (at least not consciously!), as I do not think she ever thought that, but who knows. It was meant to be a hypothetical scenario.

Anyway, she did love me for me (as I did her), but in the wrong way. You are right I am better off without her and that she is (hopefully) better off without me as well. It makes me think that we kept reinforcing each other in out bad habits/attitudes, so in this regard, the relationship actually worked out nicely, if that was our goal 😄

Lol you are much less spiteful than I am at times. That is good. I'm trying to work on that. 

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Day 130:

After work, I wrote, did laundry, cooked and went outside for about an hour today.

The last couple of days, I am noticing a shift in my eating patterns. I no longer eat only when I feel hungry and I can eat bigger meals. I did something like this consciously about 2 years ago, but only for about a week. Oddly enough, I think this only started because I started eating more vegetables. I am happy for this, as some 70-75 kg weight for me is good in my eyes. I will tackle the food situation when I get home as well, I noticed I did not eat almost any bread for the past two weeks.

I also read up some articles about early retirement, investing and such, basically building up my knowledge, so I can make some decisions when I get home.

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Day 131:

Afternoon after work went by so fast I barely noticed it. I ate, wrote with a friend, cooked, tried out some gear, ate again and it is now 6 hours later. Tomorrow is my last day at work and I planned to leave right after it.

I think I stress myself a bit more than I need to now. I still need to pack myself and plan, but I do not suppose that should take longer than an hour or two, so I am waking up a bit earlier tomorrow. 

I guess facing the unknown will always be the same!

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Day 132:

Last day at work was actually super busy today, so I had to step on it. After work, I decided to get dropped off at a campsite not too far away, so I am back to sleeping in a tent. I ate and wrote a little, but I am fairly exhausted, so I will just go to sleep soon.

Tommrow I plan to just relax with some small hike and swimming pool afterwards. I have earned every last bit of it.

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Here's my monthly summary. I actually already wrote it a week before, but I forgot to post it after a day or two.

Game Quitters - I'm still reading the journals I am subbed to, I subbed to a few more even.

physical development - The work was generally not very physically demanding, but I keep moving for the majority of it. I take a longer walk once a week, but make sure I spend at least an hour outside every day, except when the weather is horrible.

mental development - I read some of the "Subtle Art" from Mark Manson, I generally get around to read an article or few a day about psychology/philosophy/self-help. I am currently focusing personal finance though.

going out/screen time reduction - Since using a phone for anything (compared to desktop computer) feels obnoxious, I try to put in the time I have generally into something substantial. I learn, read and write a lot, while not watching almost any videos. There is not anything to do as for events outside though.

uni - I feel happy for it. I can see some connections between "economic geography" and "personal finance" as well. Semester starts in less than a month.

English teaching/my business - This has to be tackled when I return, perhaps even more than the university. I did some job scans this month, I plan to do some paperwork to make it official when I get home.

family - I have been keeping in touch every few days. We are gonna do a small late birthday celebration and I will have something small to say about my past four months.

dating - Quiet, for now. 

Takeaways from Iceland:

Tourism - I had the opportunity to be in Reykjavik for a week, so I am sure I saw most of the interesting stuff there. I will have a few days after I am done working. However, my gear is somewhat clunky and I generally prefer to set up my tent, grab a bag with a few kilos, go for a hike and then return back. I do not think I ever seriously planned for week-long hikes or renting a car to drive around. Neither did I make a list of things I wanted to see.

Work - I worked a dirty job in a meat factory. It helps a ton I am fairly disgust insensitive. I have a feeling this is not a job for me, however I am grateful for the experience and, of course, for that hard cash. I am convinced that university education will still be the better path for me over the long run though.

I cannot change people.

People generally try to be good (even if we lack the self-awareness to sometimes tell what that "good" is).

I am fairly adaptable.

I can work hard enough for a goal (job) and get decent results.

Diversity or work/life balance is important. I spent the first week in a tent, with searching jobs in the morning and walking around/touring later. I will spread out my personality even further when I get home. I have put all my eggs into one or two baskets before and the result was not pretty.

I plan to invest most of my money during the next 30 days/a month.

I learnt how to cook on a basic level! :V 

AFTER ICELAND - priorities:

hobbies: modeling (WWII stuff), paintball, geocache, drumming (yoga?)

Meditate

my business/English teaching - schools (both state and private), websites for teachers, jobs

university

(whatever happens and springs to mind while there)

Self-authoring

Money investment

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Day 133:

In the morning, I went for a short hike. Then I cooked lunch, went for another small hike, visited the swimming pool and sauna.

I think I am fairly justified to feel trashed after all this. I have a longer hike planned for tomorrow with all my gear, so I hope everything will go fine!

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Day 135:

I relaxed pretty nicely today. Visited a museum, swimming pool, had an interesting encounter and wrote a bit. Gonna relax tomorrow as well, with more writing though.

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Day 136:

I visited a museum in the town today. I have a weird thought that I actually do not spend enough time on my phone to research my money investing options. It is kind of strange to come back to having all the time for yourself again!

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Day 137: 

I went for a walk, did the groceries, wrote, went to the swimming pool and wrote more. Pretty happy with how today went. One more night here and I am going home. 

Mission accomplished.

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Hi, Ikar, I am Lea. I haven't read all of your entries yet, but your journal has some interesting takes, like choosing a job in a place a person would not choose (or at least like to be in). From there, you can build up your resilience, courage, and good work ethics, along with learning how to be grateful in all circumstances.

On 8/31/2019 at 7:10 PM, Ikar said:

I cannot change people.

This is exactly what my family have been telling me as well because I am not them, like they are not me. It is the fact that we ultimately make our own decisions and must be responsible for them. I struggle with this as well because it can be scary. So enjoy your time in Iceland while it still last.

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2 hours ago, Lea said:

Hi, Ikar, I am Lea. I haven't read all of your entries yet, but your journal has some interesting takes, like choosing a job in a place a person would not choose (or at least like to be in). From there, you can build up your resilience, courage, and good work ethics, along with learning how to be grateful in all circumstances.

This is exactly what my family have been telling me as well because I am not them, like they are not me. It is the fact that we ultimately make our own decisions and must be responsible for them. I struggle with this as well because it can be scary. So enjoy your time in Iceland while it still last.

Welcome to my diary Lea!

I think the point is that nobody really wants to work those jobs, not by default anyway. It still does not change the fact that they chose the job themselves. I think you are in some trouble if you choose to do something you really dislike, especially if that goes over the years. I think a nice symptom of that is when you come off work, then watch TV/stay on computer for 6 hours straight and then do the same thing the next day. That seems to me like the recipe for disaster (spoiler alert: I lived like that).

I am not sure if resilience and courage are something that is built up, rather than discovered. I am inclined to think to think that I am (and actually everyone is) capable of doing anything, except a few things I have troubles doing.

Making decisions and being responsible is scary, but if you do not do that, you are just gonna end up bitter and resentful about how everything is out of your control. So while it is hard, it gives your life some meaning and that is worth the effort in my opinion (unless the whole of humanity plans a mass suicide!).

I am at home already, but thanks anyway :)

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Day 139:

I dodged the entry on Day 138. I came home at about 3 in the morning, so there were no thoughts about doing that. I had two nice little chats with Icelanders I managed to meet on my way to the airport. One of them was a retired pilot and the other one was a retired airport worker who drove me to the airport!

Today, I checked on some school things, job things, money, Duolingo (I started Spanish and even German, for whatever reason, alongside Russian), went for a walk and unpacked my stuff from Iceland.

I actually felt some small cravings to game. They went as quickly as they came, but it was interesting to notice them regardless. They were probably caused by the second large change in environment in the past several days (Iceland work -> Iceland camp -> home), because I kept my days largely unstructured.

-----

I was wondering whether one of life's mechanisms is that the stream of pain/problems is more or less constant. For example, if you go daily through the pain/problem of staying fit, you will not have to face a bigger pain/problem later in the future, like getting obese and having your let cut off because of diabetes. I believe that to be the case, so doing your homework daily pays off, once you have identified it, which proves to be quite difficult.

-----

Tomorrow: I will try to nail some one-timers tomorrow, alongside with planning the next week. I have a lot of stuff I marked down in Iceland (and even here) to mess around with.

I am going to an event in the evening too, so it will be nice to get social.

Edited by Ikar
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Day 140:

Writing a bit earlier, because I am going out tonight. I was helping out around the house, as we are currently reconstructing the bathroom. As a result, I got my day fragmented to an extent I only got small things done. I sorted out some things in my room, did Duolingo and watched a TED talk. I also got a bit of my planning for the next week done, I will finish it tomorrow. Getting back on track after two months is somewhat difficult! I am gonna do some shopping for good food while I am out.

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On 9/7/2019 at 2:23 AM, Ikar said:

For example, if you go daily through the pain/problem of staying fit, you will not have to face a bigger pain/problem later in the future, like getting obese and having your let cut off because of diabetes. I believe that to be the case, so doing your homework daily pays off, once you have identified it, which proves to be quite difficult.

This is interesting and true, as there is a saying that "what you sow is what you reap."

I hope that you are adjusting back to home life well. 😄

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