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Ikar's Diary


Ikar

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10 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

What do you mean questions you truly cared about? Was this a potential dating prospect you're interested in and the questions are to gauge who she is and if she is somewhat your type?

Basically yes. I just met her there, so I wasn't really too prepared for that. Moreover, I am also still figuring out what type of a girl I want myself. She seems older than me, she studies and she makes a living by teaching piano lessons, so she is independent and responsible which I like.

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10 hours ago, Ikar said:

Basically yes. I just met her there, so I wasn't really too prepared for that. Moreover, I am also still figuring out what type of a girl I want myself. She seems older than me, she studies and she makes a living by teaching piano lessons, so she is independent and responsible which I like.

This is the point of dating and meeting women anyways. I've learned a lot about what kind of woman I want to date just from the female friends I've made over the past few years even. I've been really narrowing down who suits my needs and makes me excited to live life. Doing things like this and getting yourself out there is how you'll find her.

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Day 293:

I worked out and wrote. I went outside for another English event. Initially, we were talking about the upcoming Valentine's and later on the conversation took an interesting turn towards our first romantic experiences and dating today. I think it was mainly tanks to one woman in her 50s and me, because we both seem to have the prankster/joker personality. We got talking afterwards. I'm continually getting convinced that age is just a number. I also set out for a couple of beers with my neighbor and we had a relaxed evening.

Day 294:

We celebrated mom's and grandma's birthday today, so I spent some 6 hours in the family circle today. It was alright. I worked out in the evening and stepped it up a bit again. I'm slowly beginning to see a six-pack on my belly thanks to all the sit-ups I do. I might need a way to track the progress on my arms too though.

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Day 295:

This has been one of the more disparate days. I did everything, but nothing at the same time. I scheduled my events for the next week, worked out, sent out job applications, messed around a bit in the software for making websites, skimmed through one book, wrote a bit of my monthly report and researched some nearby sites I'd like to go when on a date.

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5 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 295:

This has been one of the more disparate days. I did everything, but nothing at the same time. I scheduled my events for the next week, worked out, sent out job applications, messed around a bit in the software for making websites, skimmed through one book, wrote a bit of my monthly report and researched some nearby sites I'd like to go when on a date.

I'm sorry you had this day. It kind of reminds me of being in purgatory. Just be glad you didn't falter. You could be tired of doing so much as well. You've been very busy and could be on the verge of burnout. Take some time for yourself?

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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm sorry you had this day. It kind of reminds me of being in purgatory. Just be glad you didn't falter. You could be tired of doing so much as well. You've been very busy and could be on the verge of burnout. Take some time for yourself?

 

1 hour ago, Amphibian220 said:

Sometimes I get a day when I cannot really stick to any of my common tasks.

This is when I try a completely new exercise (standing on my hands yesterday and leaning against the wall with my feet). I also start conversations with the local store manager and at times they are very uplifting.

 

It was strange, but I wasn't depressed because of it. I think I got caught by surprise by the fact I wasn't as tired as I thought I would be and I didn't have anything to do socially. I had three days off now, since I passed the exam on Thursday, but they were social, so I kept myself busy. I think I just needed yesterday in solitude to re-calibrate for the "next big thing" which in this case is my website. As a matter of fact, I did more than usual in regards to common tasks, it just felt haphazard.

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I'm using the template I used the last time. 7/1/20 - 10/2/20

"L" will stand for the (last) plan for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term.


Books:

L: Finish “Gulag Archipelago”. I got my hands on a printed copy of "The Game" by Neil Strauss, so I will probably get after that and then glance over "No More Mr Nice Guy" and "Models" by Mark Manson, to make sure my philosophy/psychology/dating game is up to speed.

T: I finished the rest of the volume II and volume III of Gulag Archipelago. I re-read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr. Glover. Personal reading clashed with university reading this month heavily.

N: I'm picking up "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It's been about a year since I read "The Power of Now" and I remember I was fascinated by it, even though I hardly understood it.


English - Personal (1) + Business (2):

L1: I plan to study the materials my mentor gave me a couple of days ago, as I feel I need some of the academic knowledge of English, as the next logical step in my effort to further improve my English.

L2: I want to get my 10-15 hours a week, with a higher pay than before.

T1: I didn't do the above, because if I studied, I studied for exams at the university. I've been keeping in shape by going to two English speaking events per week though. I write here and on my blog.

T2: I was unable to set up any classes that would suit me, but I managed to at least take the shot at those interviews during the exam term, so they know about me. I sent out a lot of applications yesterday, so I plan to get some more interviews in February.

N1: I'm happy with the current state of things. I remember one heavy academia-based test, but I'm doubtful this investment is better for me at this point than the one below.

N2: I'm currently working on my webpage and at least a few interviews should be coming up.

 

Family:

L: Maintain the relationships as they are, I'm happy with them as they are!

T: I've been talking over my parents' and brother's relationship with grandma every now and then. It's been quite helpful to help me understand my relationship behaviors as well.

N: Maintain the relationships as they are, I'm happy with them as they are!


University:

L: Nail the exams and papers the the next couple of weeks. I have to put more time in now the exam term is here. Uni provides me with many benefits and freedom and I don't think I am there yet emotionally/mentally to appreciate it to the full extent.

T: It took some work, but I passed the semester on 100% in the end. I am currently very happy and grateful I got closer to this lively environment.

N: I have classes on Thursday evening and Friday morning and afternoon. I wanted to give myself a few hours a week to study/write papers outside of the lessons the last semester, but I never got around to doing it and scrambled to finish the papers, even though not as badly as the semester before that. I'll get after it this semester on Saturday mornings.


Being social:

L: I think I would be okay going out socially every other day, let's say for the whole evening, depending on my current work/study load, as by default I am at mine reading, writing, working out etc. It's work-in-progress to balance this.

T: I had no lessons to teach, so my urge to go out and be social increased. I mostly see the same people every week on these events and all of them are either free or low-cost. They all complement my hobbies/things I want to get better at or maintain. It's also a good opportunity to network. I'm able to go out almost every day for a few hours, because I get enough me-time during the rest of the day. I imagine this sounds a lot like madness to people with a 9-5 job, but I am happy I put in the work on my projects whenever I want to and moneymaking currently doesn't concern me, as I have enough saved up for several months.

N: I'm happy with the current situation.


Exercise/movement:

L: I think I can work out every day. It's about an hour of daily activity that never gets lost. I keep track of my workouts too.

T: And so I did. The free gym on the dormitory is quite small and basic, but great for me regardless. I'm usually there alone, so I get chatting with people during the workout if anyone else comes, although the exam term just ended, so I think I'll be seeing more people. It's also a great way to express myself physically and I love observing that I am getting better.

N: I did the same pull-up, sit-up and bike routine all month. I'm gonna get into some mobility workout too, because I would like to be more flexible and less prone to injury.

 

Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (150 days streak). I'll try to get my neighbor to converse with me and I'll help him to get into the gym.

 

Women/dating:

L: We've arranged to talk on Monday. I want to see whether we were just emotionally charged and tipsy or whether there is some rationality and compatibility. The sex has to wait. 6/1 - Got flaked on, but that's not a problem for me. I gave her a chance.

My current thoughts on dating:

If a woman interests me (unconscious decision = she looks good), I talked to her (conscious decision - determining whether she is at least remotely interested as well and not a total deadbeat), and I have the opportunity of seeing her regularly, it naturally comes to me that I want to spend more time with her to get to know her and ask her questions that I care about.

Words have to be followed by actions and facts however. I said I wanted to exercise after leaving the army, but I never really got into it. It would be like saying "I love you" for the first time, but not going for any kind of touch whatsoever. It was strange. Fact-checking is boring and hard, but necessary in order to make the relationship work long-term. In a way, this diary is the best fact-check anyone could get on me, including both my actions and my thoughts, even if not 100% of them. However, I think neither emotionality nor fact-checking should lag behind each other too much.

Manson's Models and Glover's NMMNG were both big help regarding this. I'd like to ease into the relationship. Let the sex be the icing on the cake, rather than the brute animistic force that forges the basis of the relationship. I might fail at remembering that in the heat of the moment, but I'd really like to have sex as the last objective checkpoint/barrier.

I could write more, but I think it would be blog material with insights rather than something I'd like to to abide by.

T: I'm currently talking to a few women. I get myself out there on a regular basis.

N: Be cool with whatever the outcome is. That's how I learn.

 

"When sex is good it's 10% of the relationship. When it's bad it's 90%."

 

Projects/misc finished this month:

exams

interviews

I fasted on 24th Jan.

 

Projects/misc upcoming next month:

website

money? (March)

gun license (March)


Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

Spoiler

 

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had in March/April, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.


I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

 

 

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3 hours ago, Ikar said:

English - Personal (1) + Business (2):

L1: I plan to study the materials my mentor gave me a couple of days ago, as I feel I need some of the academic knowledge of English, as the next logical step in my effort to further improve my English.

L2: I want to get my 10-15 hours a week, with a higher pay than before.

T1: I didn't do the above, because if I studied, I studied for exams at the university. I've been keeping in shape by going to two English speaking events per week though. I write here and on my blog.

T2: I was unable to set up any classes that would suit me, but I managed to at least take the shot at those interviews during the exam term, so they know about me. I sent out a lot of applications yesterday, so I plan to get some more interviews in February.

N1: I'm happy with the current state of things. I remember one heavy academia-based test, but I'm doubtful this investment is better for me at this point than the one below.

N2: I'm currently working on my webpage and at least a few interviews should be coming up.

This is going to be tough to do while you're studying. Try to make sure you're not overwhelming yourself with the additional studying. I remember in college I was so burnt out all of the time and just wanted to relax after studying.

Family:

L: Maintain the relationships as they are, I'm happy with them as they are!

T: I've been talking over my parents' and brother's relationship with grandma every now and then. It's been quite helpful to help me understand my relationship behaviors as well.

N: Maintain the relationships as they are, I'm happy with them as they are!

I'm happy that you're happy with your family. This is something I've dreamed of for my entire life and it never comes true, not even in small percentages.


University:

L: Nail the exams and papers the the next couple of weeks. I have to put more time in now the exam term is here. Uni provides me with many benefits and freedom and I don't think I am there yet emotionally/mentally to appreciate it to the full extent.

T: It took some work, but I passed the semester on 100% in the end. I am currently very happy and grateful I got closer to this lively environment.

N: I have classes on Thursday evening and Friday morning and afternoon. I wanted to give myself a few hours a week to study/write papers outside of the lessons the last semester, but I never got around to doing it and scrambled to finish the papers, even though not as badly as the semester before that. I'll get after it this semester on Saturday mornings.


Being social:

L: I think I would be okay going out socially every other day, let's say for the whole evening, depending on my current work/study load, as by default I am at mine reading, writing, working out etc. It's work-in-progress to balance this.

T: I had no lessons to teach, so my urge to go out and be social increased. I mostly see the same people every week on these events and all of them are either free or low-cost. They all complement my hobbies/things I want to get better at or maintain. It's also a good opportunity to network. I'm able to go out almost every day for a few hours, because I get enough me-time during the rest of the day. I imagine this sounds a lot like madness to people with a 9-5 job, but I am happy I put in the work on my projects whenever I want to and moneymaking currently doesn't concern me, as I have enough saved up for several months.

N: I'm happy with the current situation.

Happy to hear you're being more social. I know this was a huge goal of yours near the end of last summer. Enjoy this period while you can because, as you mentioned the people with a 9-5 job, you'll miss it lol.


Exercise/movement:

L: I think I can work out every day. It's about an hour of daily activity that never gets lost. I keep track of my workouts too.

T: And so I did. The free gym on the dormitory is quite small and basic, but great for me regardless. I'm usually there alone, so I get chatting with people during the workout if anyone else comes, although the exam term just ended, so I think I'll be seeing more people. It's also a great way to express myself physically and I love observing that I am getting better.

N: I did the same pull-up, sit-up and bike routine all month. I'm gonna get into some mobility workout too, because I would like to be more flexible and less prone to injury.

As long as you're exercising this is very important and beneficial. Even just doing stretches and basic strength exercises each day gets your blood moving, your brain functioning differently, your mood changes for the better, and your body will thank you for it.

Russian: I am still on track on Duolingo (150 days streak). I'll try to get my neighbor to converse with me and I'll help him to get into the gym.

For some reason I thought you were Russian already. Where are you from if you don't mind me asking?

Women/dating:

L: We've arranged to talk on Monday. I want to see whether we were just emotionally charged and tipsy or whether there is some rationality and compatibility. The sex has to wait. 6/1 - Got flaked on, but that's not a problem for me. I gave her a chance.

My current thoughts on dating:

If a woman interests me (unconscious decision = she looks good), I talked to her (conscious decision - determining whether she is at least remotely interested as well and not a total deadbeat), and I have the opportunity of seeing her regularly, it naturally comes to me that I want to spend more time with her to get to know her and ask her questions that I care about.

Words have to be followed by actions and facts however. I said I wanted to exercise after leaving the army, but I never really got into it. It would be like saying "I love you" for the first time, but not going for any kind of touch whatsoever. It was strange. Fact-checking is boring and hard, but necessary in order to make the relationship work long-term. In a way, this diary is the best fact-check anyone could get on me, including both my actions and my thoughts, even if not 100% of them. However, I think neither emotionality nor fact-checking should lag behind each other too much.

Manson's Models and Glover's NMMNG were both big help regarding this. I'd like to ease into the relationship. Let the sex be the icing on the cake, rather than the brute animistic force that forges the basis of the relationship. I might fail at remembering that in the heat of the moment, but I'd really like to have sex as the last objective checkpoint/barrier.

I could write more, but I think it would be blog material with insights rather than something I'd like to to abide by.

T: I'm currently talking to a few women. I get myself out there on a regular basis.

N: Be cool with whatever the outcome is. That's how I learn.

 

"When sex is good it's 10% of the relationship. When it's bad it's 90%."

We're all focusing so much on women it seems. After reading many diaries over the past few weeks there seems to be a huge theme regarding finding women we're truly interested in, understanding what sparks our interest, confronting issues regarding sex, and moving forward with goals to naturally find them. I say we all keep it up and see what happens.

Projects/misc finished this month:

exams

interviews

I fasted on 24th Jan.

 

Projects/misc upcoming next month:

website

money? (March)

gun license (March)


Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

  Hide contents

 

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had in March/April, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.


I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

 

 

I think this is the first time you've written more on a post than I have lol. This is a lot to keep track of. How are you going to track this moving forward? Do you have a spreadsheet with a progress bar associated with them? I find I can only focus on a few things per month and move on from there. 

I wrote my responses above in red.

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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

This is going to be tough to do while you're studying. Try to make sure you're not overwhelming yourself with the additional studying. I remember in college I was so burnt out all of the time and just wanted to relax after studying.

It helps a lot nobody actually forces me to attend lessons from Monday to Friday. I think part of the reason why I got addicted in the first place was that I just got hammered by society/parents all the time ever since I was 6 with some 20 hours at school, up until I was 21 with some 50 hours at work. It felt like there was no choice. I think that's the case for most of the burnouts people experience. I want those few hours on Saturday mainly to get a head-start on the papers.

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm happy that you're happy with your family. This is something I've dreamed of for my entire life and it never comes true, not even in small percentages.

Truth to be told, I do keep them at an arm's length. I think I wrote this before, but my ex's and my parents were very similar and it was the first relationship for both of us. They got their issues and I have mine. I just come over once a week for lunch, play Scrabble with mom, hear what's new and get out.

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Happy to hear you're being more social. I know this was a huge goal of yours near the end of last summer. Enjoy this period while you can because, as you mentioned the people with a 9-5 job, you'll miss it lol.

It's just been two months and it's great. I think I have at least one more year of this ahead of me.

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

As long as you're exercising this is very important and beneficial. Even just doing stretches and basic strength exercises each day gets your blood moving, your brain functioning differently, your mood changes for the better, and your body will thank you for it.

I also noticed I tend to look at myself in the mirror at times. I never felt ashamed for my body, but neither I gained any confidence from it, but it seems that now I do.

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

For some reason I thought you were Russian already. Where are you from if you don't mind me asking?

I'm Czech. I picked up Russian in April 2017, but it's never been a really serious endeavor.

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

We're all focusing so much on women it seems. After reading many diaries over the past few weeks there seems to be a huge theme regarding finding women we're truly interested in, understanding what sparks our interest, confronting issues regarding sex, and moving forward with goals to naturally find them. I say we all keep it up and see what happens.

I didn't mention this, but I got to know a few guys closer I can meet and talk to, compared to when I was with my ex. I'm also on the NMMNG forums, so these things keep me grounded, so I do not spiral out of control again to treat myself like shit while in a relationship.

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think this is the first time you've written more on a post than I have lol. This is a lot to keep track of. How are you going to track this moving forward? Do you have a spreadsheet with a progress bar associated with them? I find I can only focus on a few things per month and move on from there. 

I wrote my responses above in red.

 

4 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I didn't really think about tracking my goals with a spreadsheet and progress bar that's a good idea. Especially if you have a lot of goals like I do. hoo. That means more spreadsheets . We got this.

The template I copied from the previous monthly post. I also have an Excel spreadsheet, where I track my activity in rough shapes during the day. The main thing is to just execute.

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I will give my insight on this. One area journaling really helps in is if you have a specific result-oriented goal to achieve.

 America's swimming champion Michael Phelps tracked his time in a journal and made it a principle to make improvements every consecutive training session no matter how small.

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5 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I don't think I'm ready to do a spreadsheet and try to track my goals. -_- it makes me feel tired and overwhelmed just thinking about it...

 

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I tried last summer and didn't like it. I overwhelmed myself. Don't worry. It helps some and not others. Just do you. 

I started experimenting with spreadsheets way back at the end of 2016 and I'm still not at the point where I would have my days fully lined up.

2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

I will give my insight on this. One area journaling really helps in is if you have a specific result-oriented goal to achieve.

 America's swimming champion Michael Phelps tracked his time in a journal and made it a principle to make improvements every consecutive training session no matter how small.

I do that as well, although I'm not trying to increase my goals daily but every couple of days. It is a good thing to do.

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Day 297:

I read, got through mails, did Russian, worked a bit on my web and then watched some old Peterson podcasts, which is something I haven't done in a while. I found myself somewhat restless during the day, so I found some solace going back to the basics to keep me grounded. Since yesterday, there are weekly quizzes where I met some people I met way back when at the New Year's Eve. The highlight of the night is me talking to one girl and noticing she was playing with her hair. I still need to work on my conversation skills and vigilance though.

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Day 299:

I did a couple of smaller things today. I backed up my diary here, got through more mails, Duolingo, washed the dishes, sent a classic mail and worked on some exercises from Manson's Models. I had a class later afternoon about regional development and it was quite interesting, so I took the business card from the presenter.

I went outside to the English speaking event afterwards and I had alcohol-free beer (perhaps it works as placebo anyway?). I am experimenting with whether I need to drink alcohol at all, as while it's easier to combat whatever anxiety early, it makes me dip into the state of drowsiness sooner and harder and I do not like when I'm not as acute in my social interactions as I could be.

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Day 301:

I spent most of my day visiting classes my friend teaches. I saw and participated in these types of lessons after two months. It was great to get back in touch with all of it. I fit in a bit of mailing and a workout in the remainder of the day.

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Day 302:

I did Duolingo, read, visited my parents, watched a shorter Peterson lecture, worked out, cleaned my room and I'm currently doing the laundry.

I got my next week lined up and I'll try to get something done for the web every day. I didn't have any bigger project I was working on this week, so I'll try to make up for that.

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Day 303:

Today, I went to the shop, thought about the design for my banner for English teaching and did Russian.

I afterwards went to the gym and met the same girl I did last week at the same time (Day 296 - didn't write that down here). I already knew she did some graphics designing from the week before and meeting her again gave me the opportunity to ask her whether she'd be interesting in designing something for me, as I think some artwork might be required for either the banner or the website. But she told me she is not very happy about her artistic capabilities so far, so I let that thread go.

I ate, took a shower and went ahead to meet with the local group for geographers, but there were only three of us. I got engaged in small talk for a bit afterwards.

I then went to the library, where they hold English events every now and then and today there was a Taboo desktop event. I met with the older lady from Day 293, but she left a bit earlier, so I was left alone with the married librarian in her 30s I met for the first time and played Scrabble with on Day 268.

To top it off, I went to the philosophy lectures in the evening. It helped me sort out some of the things below.

-----

I noticed that I know of two cases of sharing food in the past several days, while asking the person if they want subconsciously without thinking. There could obviously be more cases of this recently (and in a non-materialistic way too), but in the past I felt that sharing was more of a duty I had to do. When I was a kid (about 12), I have a memory where I actually hated sharing a pack of Mentos with another guy. I'm also fairly eager to volunteer nowadays. I'm planning on going for the nature clean-up day with the people who run the philosophy courses, as they also all volunteer to give these lessons.

 

I also enjoy employing the idea of continuous concept talk. I generally meet people on a weekly or semi-daily basis. That gives me some time to ponder what thing during our conversation caught my attention and I try to expand on the idea the next time I get to talk with them.

That way, I got to sense that the girl I met at the gym was fairly disciplined and get her to mention she had a boyfriend, without explicitly asking that or laying similar overt questions.

That way, I got to sense that the married librarian might be making a few too many sexually-themed references during the game.

 

On Saturday, my friend told me he went to an event. The talk was about being present among other things. During the event they would receive and try to bend solid stainless spoons, without applying excessive force and using only two fingers of each hand to achieve that. My friend managed to bend two spoons out of four. I don't know if he managed to just accumulate enough heat in his fingertips to bend them. But he told me that when he started caring too much about the result or even being scared about what is happening, he would no longer be able to bend the spoon and stay present.

This was EXACTLY what happened to me on Day 297. I was talking to a girl who was playing with her hair while talking to me. I read that it is supposed to be a classic flirtation signal. I noticed that and I got scared, because it was so damn novel to me. I probably saw a ton of women playing with their hair before, talking to me or not, it's just I never made that connection.

 

I could be making all this shit up of course, but maybe I am slowly consciously figuring out the basics of human (sub)communication. I'm getting after it.

Edited by Ikar
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