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TimetoWalkAway

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GOAL: Fully Detox and Get Back what I lost.




4/9/19

"I break the people around me...Who did she date for a Year...Did I Ever Show her the real me for any considerable amount of time?"

These are the questions I ask myself on the day I put gaming to an end...looking back on the damage I caused...the thick fog blurring my vision as I shot shots into the dark and shot the ones I loved the most. I lost the one who kissed me and made me feel human for the first time. I lost valuable friends as I ghosted and didn't make the effort to keep in touch. I lost valuable time that could've went to school. I lost a lot.

But I still got chips in the game of life and I'm not giving them up. 

I'm going all in.

I gave my PC Plug to my father and admitted I needed help.

He was happy to acknowledge it but the reference to her reminds me of her...how our beautiful comforting fire of romance turned into a damn funeral pyre.

But...

Did I really have a relationship with her?


Yes or No. It's Action Time.

Quit or Bust.


Day 1

Emotions:

Bowling ball?


Mourning...

Depressed.

Accomplished

Hopeful.

Actions Taken: 

Going to Afterschool for Academic Studies.

PC Power Plug Removed. 

Apology sent to Ex.

Joined GQ.

 

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END OF DAY 1 UPDATE.

"Life has given me a new lease and I actually feel happy to be away from my gaming PC. I had a good time working on schoolwork and I finished my day with a nice long elliptical workout.  (3 Miles in 28:46!) I feel genuinely tired but accomplished. I talked to my Ex and she's more than willing to give me a second chance...to let the love we started to flourish and grow once again. I have another goal to work towards and I feel as if I truly made a step forward today!


Accomplishments:
Made Schedule
Worked Out After 6 Month Hiatus
Started to Apologize to the Teachers I fought over my addiction
Made up with Ex.
Looked at the Hobby Guide

Feeling: Accomplished 


Grade of the Day: A+ 

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Day 2

"Finally Feeling Better. After that workout and good rest. I actually felt refreshed and relaxed, took a long and refreshing shower before starting my morning, I still occasionally sift around online but it now has a goal instead of just screening for killing time."

Mood: Content

Actions Taken: After School Tutoring Today.

Possible Game Night Made for Friday?

USNA Application Sent

Gym Time with Ex

 

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END OF DAY Report.

Day 2 Comes to a close and I feel happier and more refreshed, I discovered that I have a tendency to roam the internet out of boredom but as soon as I start my brand new hobbies, I see this behavior likely shrinking. I went to the gym and worked out for a full hour feeling stronger than ever and finally sent my West Point Application. All I can do is wait until tomorrow to see what life gives me.


Emotion: Content 

Actions Taken:

Gym Time

Home Cooked Meal.

Relaxing 

Homework

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Day 3 

"Today was a lovely day, calm morning and clearer head. I woke up a little earlier than usual but I used the time to rest and stretch before taking a calm and relaxing shower. My Ex Came to stay with me for the day and I've been happy after we got to talk. She actually remembered seeing the real me come out and she truly wants to give me a second shot. My Heart Still Gets Fluttery Whenever I'm around her but I've gotten better at keeping it in. I still miss her tender touch and cuddles...but they're just a goal for when I'm out of here. Beyond my Love Life. I've gotten contacted by West Point and I'm getting my GPA up so I can really do my best to be considered. I still need to call USNA. 

I was also listening to music and found the song with a video that made me relive our relationship for a moment...How I slowly got corrupted, met her...how we became lovers and how she drags me away from the flame...

There was also another song where it showed an old movie I used to like but couldn't understand..."Perfect Blue." I became Rumi. I became disillusioned and became my character instead of myself...It scared me...

Then...there was a song that made my heart flutter and tear...I never changed her ringtone. "The way you move...The way you move...Her..." How did I move her...But another song just showed the contrast and everything became clear.


Emotions: Lovesick and Motivated


Actions Taken: 

Talked to Counsellors

Talking to Teachers for Recommendations

Work Out More.

Found new Hobbies

Her Magic Ways

Song of the Day
Fear
Her...  
 

Edited by TimetoWalkAway
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Mid Day Update.

Is it the stress talking or is it Jealousy.

Ex Came to my school but she's just been with my friends hanging out with them despite saying she was going to be here for me...I know they're all good friends and all but...sometimes I just want a moment alone with her...the moments that...that bastard that lived in my shell had on demand while I only have these public moments...How Jamal had every single private moment with her. Now whenever I see it it's always with J or M in the general area. I don't want to open up around her when I'm with my friends as they likely wouldn't understand the pain I'm in. J tries to act like he understands but he really doesn't and M is well. M. I just can't get the one moment I need to truly vent...and that hurts but I know I'll never get those moments again. They say she's trying to play with me in the DnD Session but she never even took the chance to even say anything. Just talked to everyone but me. I feel like a Rodney Dangerfield Joke. 

"She'll kiss the dog on the lips but she won't have a drink from my glass." 

I always feel as if she doesn't care for me. She only shares her emotions when there's no one else like she's embarrassed by me.
why is that technology always feels as it's my only loyal friend? Maybe it's because I never had friends or relationships before...sometimes...I just wish I lived in my persona again...at least then I could play off my pain with a mask...but...being real is worth it.

 
Despite that cold shoulder, the session with them was ok though. It kept me away until 6 and I'll do the Gym Tonight.


I'm angry...sad...and I just don't know what to do...I'll probably sneak in a beer tonight to chill. 

Emotion: Stress and Insecure.

Edited by TimetoWalkAway
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End of Day 3

My breakdown passed and I feel mentally clear but still saddened, I skipped the Gym and Finished with my Academic Studies...I saw the Air Force ROTC Program and gave it more thought. I feel vulnerable on all fronts and without my Gaming PC to Comfort me, I feel like a surrounded ship...I just want to survive this volley of stress and pain...I hate the fact my persona took so much...but it's hard to not be him when He took every single damn thing and all I'm left with is a shell...My Friends Can't Understand...and I feel as if no one cares....

Emotions: Pained And Weakened

Song of the Evening

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Day 4.

Mentally Clear and Relaxed. I'll probably spend my day writing on the book "The Awakening" for English class and disputing other grades for an absence. I'm ready to tackle today and Bring these grades to the top, the fires from last night still burn but I can't cry over spilled milk and I just need to sometimes let things go and just coast for the morning. If anything...I'll see if she'll stick with me on Thrusday Next Week or Goodfriday. I'm not in the mood to spend the weekend alone. If there is a brightside, I've been too busy to care for my games


Emotions:Calm and Lost

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End of Day 4.


The day was uneventful, got my Email from USNA Rejecting me for the Summer Seminar but I took the blow with grace and I know that I can and will push forward...My Academic Life is slowly stabilizing as well as my life on the homefront, slowly mending broken relationships with parents and friends that my Addiction has created rifts with. Some repairs being more successful than others...As for the Weekend. I have stuff planned to help me kill time and liven my spirits...if that goes through...I'm sure some well-deserved rest is in order.


 


I feel my heartburn and break whenever my she talks to me...she says I'll have those moments in time but...the reason she won't give them hurts my soul even more...She's afraid of my Persona Crawling out when it's just us and it only hurts me more...I cried after our call ended. I feel unworthy and damaged. I just want one moment of privacy...but I feel as if I'll never get it. I'm burned...Somedays...I wish I wasn't like my father...carrying the strong voice and anger...add an aggressive persona that took charge and all that makes is a recipe for hell...only time will tell if I can make an antidote but as they say...Time Heals All Wounds.


For now...I fight a battle I truly cannot run from. As It's Impossible to Run From Yourself. I won't perish...I've made my stubborn nature serve me.


Talking to an Enemy turned friend did help though. Skyy was able to clear my mind and helped me look through her eyes...the horrible things I committed won't wash away. Trust is like a Mirror. You can fix it if it's broken but you can still see the cracks in the reflection.

Emotion: Tested

Edited by TimetoWalkAway
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Day 5

Enjoyed some family time with my mother and I got studying to do for my SAT and ACT. All I go is just hope for the best and enjoy the ride. The weekend is just right for me...right now I'm just gonna jam to Travis Scott and Study. 

Skyy's Advice and Everything is slowly starting to make sense now...
 



Mood: Relaxed

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Day 8 

Skipped the last two days due to schedule but I've been slowly getting better and My Academics are slowly rising to the roof! 
I tried to visit her yesterday but our schedules are broken till May. She's slowly growing trust in me again and I just want to show her the real me at the end of the detox, I'll make it. 

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Day 8 
 


 



End of Day.

Class was uneventful and is slow as usual, I congratulate myself on a successful week without gaming, taking the opportunity to enjoy life and slowly find meaning again. I've found hobbies and today is just another challenge to beat as I make it towards the halfway point...She keeps checking my journal which is nice and shows that she cares for me...but I can't help but feel as if I'm annoying her for needing support...I just need a strong net to crash on and I feel as she's the net I can truly land on...the showers of april are invigorating and represent the struggles I fight through as I sail these 90 Days...I can only wonder what will be the benefits at the end of everything...I keep having dreams about her...except...there in a different time period...or better days? I see us gently cuddling on the couch at home but there's no father to come at us...we're happy and enjoying each other...and we slowly fall asleep in peace and enjoying each other embrace. I want to live in that world but...I know there are other priorities but as they say...love is supposed to hurt...it lets you know that the relationship was legitimate and worth every second...I just want the moment with her...A night to sleep in peace...alongside her...I just want to be better now...but I know the longer it takes ... the better I'll be for the world.

 

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Day 13.

I recently found small group of friends to play with on the Nintendo Switch. Surprisingly. I don't feel the same energy suck with PC Gaming and It feels nice to compete and talk with them again...I realize Gaming is still apart of me but I've found a way to control it and turn it into a positive experience. Spring Break is here but I have little to do besides study and deal with assignments...Hopefully something comes up.

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Hi TtWA!

To start off, I read your story in Introduction, as well the whole diary and damn, some of the metaphors you use are powerful. Here are my thoughts:

As for ghosting and not being "present"; there's a great book by Eckhart Tolle called "The Power of Now", I think Cam himself might've mentioned it in his videos. It's available online in pdf as well. Reason I am writing this is it was actually my (ex)girl who gave it to me, even though at that time she was already thinking my case was lost. I can't say I understood most the book, I can't say I understood even half the book, but it gets you thinking in the correct way.

Working out is great, I'll do it tomorrow for the first time after a long hiatus too! My (ex)girl tried to get me into it after I quit the army, but I just spent too much time gaming and watching Twitch. I had the wrong mindset, took it personally as an attack on my manhood and justified it by the fact I'm not gonna do it just because SHE wants; more so, when she doesn't work out herself!

Second flaw I had was with my mindset. I desperately struggled to get an hour or two outside of my computer, instead of questioning the fact I daily spent literally 16 hours on a day off there. Since I ask the better question now, gaming and Twitch is the first thing to go, but my second goal is to cut down on computer time itself.

Today, after I started yesterday, I got enough enough courage to contact my (ex)girl way ahead of time since the ex-com we were having for a few weeks. She's been my single most important achievement in the past year. She showed me her support and I am grateful for that. I'm unsure if we'll get back together, but I'll be seeing her in June, so she'll be able to compare whether all this was just talking or acting. Talking (and writing) is one thing, doing a whole damn different other thing!

You seem to be keen on joining the army, but as a former soldier myself (maybe a future one too, who knows, but not until I graduate from the university), I ask you one thing: do NOT underestimate the # of people serving solely for the paycheck (and paid gym time). Make sure you're not wasting your potential there, stuck in the 9-5. Put meaning into your work and try to make your passion do the work for you. Going into the army won't automatically make you a better person. This is my army experience from the CZ army, being an "ordinary" soldier. Feel free to PM me, if you wish to know more about my experience there.

As a last point, here's a great TED talk I stumbled upon a few days ago. I tried to dodge it by the title, but after several dodges I gave it a go and it's great and his presentation screens are super easy to follow and apply.

 

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8 hours ago, Ikar said:

Hi TtWA!

To start off, I read your story in Introduction, as well the whole diary and damn, some of the metaphors you use are powerful. Here are my thoughts:

As for ghosting and not being "present"; there's a great book by Eckhart Tolle called "The Power of Now", I think Cam himself might've mentioned it in his videos. It's available online in pdf as well. Reason I am writing this is it was actually my (ex)girl who gave it to me, even though at that time she was already thinking my case was lost. I can't say I understood most the book, I can't say I understood even half the book, but it gets you thinking in the correct way.

Working out is great, I'll do it tomorrow for the first time after a long hiatus too! My (ex)girl tried to get me into it after I quit the army, but I just spent too much time gaming and watching Twitch. I had the wrong mindset, took it personally as an attack on my manhood and justified it by the fact I'm not gonna do it just because SHE wants; more so, when she doesn't work out herself!

Second flaw I had was with my mindset. I desperately struggled to get an hour or two outside of my computer, instead of questioning the fact I daily spent literally 16 hours on a day off there. Since I ask the better question now, gaming and Twitch is the first thing to go, but my second goal is to cut down on computer time itself.

Today, after I started yesterday, I got enough enough courage to contact my (ex)girl way ahead of time since the ex-com we were having for a few weeks. She's been my single most important achievement in the past year. She showed me her support and I am grateful for that. I'm unsure if we'll get back together, but I'll be seeing her in June, so she'll be able to compare whether all this was just talking or acting. Talking (and writing) is one thing, doing a whole damn different other thing!

You seem to be keen on joining the army, but as a former soldier myself (maybe a future one too, who knows, but not until I graduate from the university), I ask you one thing: do NOT underestimate the # of people serving solely for the paycheck (and paid gym time). Make sure you're not wasting your potential there, stuck in the 9-5. Put meaning into your work and try to make your passion do the work for you. Going into the army won't automatically make you a better person. This is my army experience from the CZ army, being an "ordinary" soldier. Feel free to PM me, if you wish to know more about my experience there.

As a last point, here's a great TED talk I stumbled upon a few days ago. I tried to dodge it by the title, but after several dodges I gave it a go and it's great and his presentation screens are super easy to follow and apply.

 

Personally, I like the Military as it opens a variety of career doors depending on your field, I'd likely find myself going into Piloting or Medical. Both fields having easy transitions into the civilian field if want to work as most airlines and cargo airlines like those with experience flying military aircraft. Personally, the US Military has one of the best Pensions, Paychecks and Benefits. Allowing me to further my Education after my service or simply Retire at 40. It's a Mixture of Passion and Options that makes the Military My Option. It opens the doors that I want to go through and I'm happy.

As for my Ex. She's coming to my Birthday Party in May. It's her first opportunity as seeing me after taking off the mask and seeing me for who I truly am. It'll be hard not to activate my defenses but. It's worth it. I still want her back and she laid the option on the table if I can get squared away. I don't see it as a challenge of manhood. Rather a Reasonable Demand. She finally gets to see that I'm improving and that's all I want her to see...I want her to see the person she fell in love with on Day 1...The mask a fleeting memory. Thanks for the Video, I'll watch it when I can.

 

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Good! Hope it works out for you and you'll do something you like.

You make a great point with this:

2 hours ago, TimetoWalkAway said:

I want her to see the person she fell in love with on Day 1...

Exactly this, I have the same objective.

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Day 16
 

Took the Opportunity to head the gym and did some cardio and some boxing, Did a Standard 12 Round Fight before heading home and relaxing. I felt completed and felt as if I earned my meal. Had a good video chat with my Ex and I realized her father had some of the worst and I mean the worst Christmas sweater.

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Day 19

Mood: R E A L     N Y C    H O U R S

Had a really good weekend and despite the lack of travel. A Fulfilling Spring Break. I recently got to see my sister get inducted into an undergraduate honor society before her graduation in May. After that. I'll have someone in the house to help me keep my father in check and a shield to allow me to be more mobile around the city. Me and My Ex have been talking more and I realize it's way more fun to be relaxed around her...I occasionally reach for my mask but...It's a thought in the back of my mind at this point. I've made peace with J and we've successfully separated...I wish him the best and I'm back to working on what truly matters in life. The man made me feel the need to wear the mask upon me is gone...He's taken his dark road and was lost to the addiction. Putting him in a similar state of delirium.  He did horrible things to me and threatened my Ex but...looking back in the distance. I can see who made it farther in the end. I wish Valentine Well.


I still got a way's to go but...I'm getting better. I'm still endlessly surfing the web out of boredom but that problem will eventually fix itself. I got friends and clubs now...I'm liking the real me and I'm sticking the course.

Might see if I can visit my Ex Next Week after my birthday.

I feel good.

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Day 20

Climbing and Teasing~.

Had a nice and calm day after spring break. Got my assignments of the week and I'm just putting myself in cruise control as I get back into the flow of things. My Ex and I started to flirty and things got a bit heated. She's a bit of tease with signals but I think the gates are slowly starting opening again...I'm taking control the seat this time and well. If things go through...I might have an additional gift for my birthday evening.

My work pattern is stable and A-Ok.  Looking back on this month, I can safely say that I've made considerable progress! 

I'm so close to getting the flame of my heart back...I'll need showers of love tonight as I let my dreams soar

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Day 22

Ladies and Gentlemen.

We've crossed the hellfire and I reaped one of the best rewards I could...I got my darling, back. Seeing the message of Love you, too lifted a weight off my chest as everything falls into place. I feel alive and free again...The only thing that would've made this moment was a fairy tale kiss on the lips and a gentle embrace as our bodies rest on each other...Those Small Moments that I'll never take for granted again as the 24th Day Marks Two Important Days. One being the eve of a T-5 countdown of a 1 monthDetox and the other being my 17th Birthday...The New Year and New Change Solidifying as I'm at the final year of "Childhood." I came into GQ a broken and burnt out man but I returned a strong and ready man. I finally feel free, the mask that I wore slowly shriveling up and flying away in the wind as I embrace the world with my eyes. I truly earned my second chance and I'll never let K Go again...Never Again.

As for K...

As I go to sleep and let the dreams of that summer and dreams of future mesh. Just know that I'll be the man I promised to be for you...I'll be there at your lowest as you were there for mine and I'll hold you dear for as long as you want me to...I love you from the bottom of my heart and We'll soon dance in the beautiful moonlight before a gentle rest...I love you and I'll see you soon.
 

 

Edited by TimetoWalkAway
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Stay the course. Take it from someone who is 36 and losing EVERYTHING right now because of not letting go of my escape devices sooner. I'm glad you got her back. Don't get complacent. The hardest part will be when a storm comes. Make up your mind now that any relapse is not worth the respect you lose for yourself and that is more important than what anyone else could think. 

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Great job with having her back!

That said, if you have learned your lesson with gaming, do yourself a solid, try to make sure she learned hers.

It sounds odd, but in my case my (ex)gf broke up with me, because she couldn't change me. Paradoxically, once she was gone, I could focus on myself. It took me alone time to realize my addiction affected everything in my life. I think you had a similar realization.

I'm putting it out here because of my day 11. Gaming and general neglect about my life were probably the biggest reason we broke up on my part, but I have a sneaking suspicion I know what the biggest neglect on her part was as well (and it wouldn't be that she wouldn't love me) and I'd hate to be denied the opportunity to tell her that face to face.

I suggest you and K have a conversation about it! You can do this ?

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Day 24


Happy 17th Birthday to me. 

Today felt like a perfect birthday despite my obligations. My girlfriend spent time with family while I tended to my school's tour. Representing my school and bringing home silver for Beginning Band. I then celebrated with my stepmother and father, detached from my phone and enjoying friendly and cheery conversation over Dallas BBQ. After that My Father got me some new sport and sleep shorts. It felt nice to savor those precious social connections and just enjoy life. 

Complacency is for those that feel as if they reached the summit because of a false peak. There's no point in stopping until you're at the top...because why have a good view when you can have a legendary view.

P.S I recommend Mac Miller's Swimming. It's about fighting internal demons and internal rebirth. It's quite soothing and interesting.

Edited by TimetoWalkAway
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