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Question of the week: What's your favourite quote?

ElectroNugget

John's Daily Journal

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20 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

I talked to my girlfriend about it today and she made it clear that it's had a huge effect on her, more than I knew or expected.

Hey ElectroNugget,

I'm really interested in that sentence you've written. Could you tell more about it? Because I'm asking myself how someone can notice that.

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48 minutes ago, Sapuverell said:

Hey ElectroNugget,

I'm really interested in that sentence you've written. Could you tell more about it? Because I'm asking myself how someone can notice that.

Hey man.

Well, I'm going to have to get a little into the nitty-gritty to fully explain it. I'm going to try to be a little vague for her sake and mine, but to be short my girlfriend has had some mental health issues in the distant past. I have had troubles with porn-induced ED (erectile dysfunction). When we began our relationship I felt it would be best to be honest with her about my ongoing attempts to quit porn, and that sometimes things in bed might go sideways due to that. Basically, that's happened a few times and she seems to have taken it as a slight against her body image, and feels like she has an impossible competition vs. porn for sexual attention. That's really impacted her self esteem, and that's fair. I really don't want to hurt her in this way, so it's been an extra motivator for me to quit for good this time.

I'm also reading a book called 'The Porn Trap', by Larry and Wendy Maltz, which goes into further details on how porn can affect your sex life and your relationships. It's really eye-opening. I've traded temporary pleasure for real love, affection and my own self-esteem my whole life, having to hide this dirty secret from everyone. Now I am trying to liberate myself from it and be open about it so I can change.

I hope that's clear without being too graphic. 🙂

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DAY 29:

Whoah, one day away from a month now. 

Today was OK. I finished up some more drawings for my portfolio, chatted with my girlfriend to try and smooth things over (things have been a bit rough lately), and then went through my old portfolio and deleted a lot of my old art.

Funnily enough, deleting my old work felt kind of cathartic, and like I was making space for a new chapter in my artistic career. There's now a huge hole in my online portfolio, so now I have no choice but to fill it.

I am having pretty intense ups and downs emotionally right now, and I definitely feel a high level of stress, but I am not sure where it comes from since I who knows if it's about life, craving games or porn anymore. I'm just very stressed. But at the same time, I feel hopeful (at least right now) that I am slowly getting on the right path for the future.

I've attached my latest artwork below.

john-muller-lineup-style.jpg

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2 hours ago, Sapuverell said:

Hey ElectroNugget,

I'm really interested in that sentence you've written. Could you tell more about it? Because I'm asking myself how someone can notice that.

 

1 hour ago, ElectroNugget said:

Hey man.

Well, I'm going to have to get a little into the nitty-gritty to fully explain it. I'm going to try to be a little vague for her sake and mine, but to be short my girlfriend has had some mental health issues in the distant past. I have had troubles with porn-induced ED (erectile dysfunction). When we began our relationship I felt it would be best to be honest with her about my ongoing attempts to quit porn, and that sometimes things in bed might go sideways due to that. Basically, that's happened a few times and she seems to have taken it as a slight against her body image, and feels like she has an impossible competition vs. porn for sexual attention. That's really impacted her self esteem, and that's fair. I really don't want to hurt her in this way, so it's been an extra motivator for me to quit for good this time.

I'm also reading a book called 'The Porn Trap', by Larry and Wendy Maltz, which goes into further details on how porn can affect your sex life and your relationships. It's really eye-opening. I've traded temporary pleasure for real love, affection and my own self-esteem my whole life, having to hide this dirty secret from everyone. Now I am trying to liberate myself from it and be open about it so I can change.

I hope that's clear without being too graphic. 🙂

Indeed, talking from experience, my ex also suffered from mental-induced self-worthlessness, low self-esteem and low self-confidence. She would never say "I love myself". Frankly, my answer on the question "Do you love yourself?" back then would be "well, I kinda like myself", which wouldn't be very convincing either.

I would tell her she's beautiful and she would just brush it off, yet I can't even begin to fathom what would happen if I told her she was ugly!

I'm fap-free until Monday myself, so good luck! Nicely done on 29.

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DAY 30-34:

I hit the one month mark! Pretty cool I guess.

I must admit, I've been away from the site as it feels like the gaming is slipping away from being my primary focus of change, to porn being the big battle. I don't know if I'm biting off more than I can chew right now, but I feel like since they both represented a release, or a dopamine high when I was feeling bad, it makes sense to try and tackle them together. 

That said, porn has been much, much harder to quit and I am battered by extremely powerful urges and temptations every day. I'm now on day 11 of NoFap, with 12 days being my longest streak, this seems to be a hump that I struggle with as today has been excruciating. I've also experienced far more severe symptoms of some of the side effects already discussed on gamequitters: fatigue, mood swings, poor sleep quality, and most annoyingly, painful headaches that don't really respond to medication. I've also felt jumpy and anxious at night. Overall, it's been rough.

I'm really determined to quit and change my life but the forces arrayed against me seem overwhelming, especially since my career also seems to be in the dumps. I've found myself browsing Youtube and Reddit mindlessly, clearly also a shoddy attempt at escaping reality which I will also have to quit or curb severely at some point. Just how deep does this rabbit hole go?

So yeah, really rough couple of days. I will try to get back to regular posts again soon.

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DAY 35-37:

Hit the two-week mark of NoFap today, so that's cool. It's my longest clean streak ever. So setting records pretty much every day now as long as I stay away from Porn and Gaming.

That said, I've still been in a really bad place. Quitting porn and games has shown me very clearly just how much time and energy I dumped into them, because with them removed there's actually very little going on in my life. No wonder it's a mess and my career is in the dump! I guess it's a good revelation to have, but it does feel disheartening. Despite the intensity of my urges, I can see now that quitting is just the very beginning of the journey. Now I will have to build a whole new life, with new habits and completely new routines.

Normally I think I would find that premise very exciting, but since I'm having major career and employment problems right now it feels like a bit too much to handle. Remodeling my whole lifestyle while trying to either A: take the necessary steps to get my career back on track or B: figure out that I don't want to be an artist anymore and pivot, seems like a lot to do all at once. I wish I was a stronger person, that I could face these things and know that I would surmount this challenge. But the matter of fact is that deep down I believe I am weak, and I have no faith in my abilities to rectify this situation.

In light of this intense pressure and rampant self-doubt, I've found myself having suicidal thoughts again. I hope in time they will pass, I guess I just need to hold on while the slow change takes its course, and perhaps carries me to more fertile grounds.

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Hey, coming to you from the post on my journal (after I responded there). 

I think one thing that you should keep in perspective is that you aren't going to change your lifestyle overnight. I've tried that in the past. It doesn't work. It blows up and you end up back where you started. Instead of trying to take on a ton of changes at once, start small. You already quit gaming and are doing NoFap and that's huge. Now you could try adding 1 habit for a trial period of three weeks. If the habit is works well and you are comfortable, then maybe try adding a new one (and so on and so forth). A really solid habit to start with is reading or writing. You can do it as much as you want, whenever you want, wherever you want, just like gaming. This helps fill that void. Then, if you want to branch out from there it becomes a lot easier, because you have a Plan B if something doesn't work out and you need to fill your time.

You are a lot stronger than you think. Weak people are the ones who are still gaming, who haven't hit the two week mark of NoFap and who aren't doing the best to better themselves. It's similar to the difference between a talented person who doesn't work and an untalented person who does. The person who lacks the talent will go much further because they were strong enough to be willing to make a change and acted upon that desire.

Stay strong. You will figure this out, but beating yourself up isn't the solution. Keep in mind that this too will pass and that you need to decide what kind of person you want to be when it has. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy and you're taking on something that is hard. But the respect that you can build for yourself through this journey has no price; it really is earned. I respect you just for being here, for expressing your thoughts and for making it as far as you have, as I believe anyone else on this forum would. We're all trying to better ourselves. So are you.

Wishing you the best and hoping to hear from you soon 🙂.

 

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Hey @ElectroNugget, I really identify with your post. Quitting PMO and gaming and realizing my life was really screwed up by it--check. Career low caused by these things and second guessing career choices (mine was three-to-four years ago)--check. Feeling weak, overwhelmed, with intrusive thoughts of suicide--triple check. 

You're pretty aware of your own problems, so I'm confident you can figure this out. I agree with what George said, a lifestyle change doesn't happen overnight. The only thing you can try and do is be 1% better relative to yesterday, every day. Eventually, that'll compound and you'll realize you've come a long way. While I still feel like my life is in the shitter in many ways, in some ways it is much better than it once was. I take some solace in that, and that will come with time for you. 

And by no means do I want to come off as preachy--this is the same advice I need and struggle with every day. I just want you know that I believe in you and hope you will find your way, because if you figure it out first, that will give me more hope for myself, too. 

And I apologize since this advice was completely unasked for. Again, I just felt like I saw a lot of myself in this.

Oh and by the way, your art is dope!

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Really dig your journaling style, and I see a lot of my current problems in the things you are describing. I too am at a confusing time for myself career wise and it causes me stress each day. I went thru the same thing you described about the porn addiction and ED problems with my EX a couple years ago and she also had a negative body image of herself. Do you find yourself with a lot of free time? Do you have enough activities to fill up that time you used to dedicate to gaming and porn? You mention "fatigue, mood swings, poor sleep quality, and most annoyingly, painful headaches that don't really respond to medication. I've also felt jumpy and anxious at night." Have you tried weight lifting or working out? I think that could potentially do wonders for these issues. I'm only 10 days in myself but I've thrown myself into lifting and exercise and I'm already noticing increases in sleep quality, energy levels, mood, ability to focus, capacity for learning.. etc   

Anyway, hope the best for you friend.

 

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