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John's Daily Journal


ElectroNugget

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@James Good Thanks man! I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes as well. This is kind of my last gasp at art for now I guess. Then it's off to study Software Design.

It's not sad at all to want to supplement your DnD games with personal art! A lot of the stuff I drew when I was younger was during/for DnD sessions, and now often a session involves many sketches from me as things unravel. It's really good fuel for the imagination.

As for advice for drawing fantasy stuff... It really depends what you wanna do. Do you want to draw characters, creatures, buildings, props? The reality is that drawing is just a skill, like carpenting. Some people might have an eye for it but anyone can learn to do it well with enough practice. But there's a big difference between knowing how to draw a person and how to draw a building. Drawing from life will improve your understanding of shapes and improve your eye (a big part of life drawing is just learning to actually look at things properly). But if you want to focus on characters for example then there's books or websites I can recommend for you. 

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DAY 65:

Work on the portfolio continues. I have a really big self-esteem issue when it comes to my art. Almost as soon as something is done, I dislike it. I can't think of a time that I thought my art was ever 'good enough'. I want to work as a concept artist, but the skill bar is really high in that area, where I might be much better as a storyboard or comic artist. Jobs are thin on the ground though, and I take it personally that I'm not 'good enough' to find stable employment. Sadly I can't separate my job from my self-worth. 

Anyways, still really tempted to play games. Thinking about it all the time, but resisting.

That all said, I made a lot of progress today with my portfolio! Attached below.

 

PF_ART_RockSketches_001_JHM.png

PF_ART_TreeSketches_001_JHM.png

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On 6/12/2019 at 8:53 PM, ElectroNugget said:

Almost as soon as something is done, I dislike it. I can't think of a time that I thought my art was ever 'good enough'.

That's because you are in this phase that you are aware of where you are, skill wise, and you are also aware of where you want to go. To say you're not good enough is firstly vague and we should be specific when we tell ourselves things, especially bad things. Good enough.. for what? For a job? Maybe you are not up to par with those artists you admire yet. Yet. But are you better than 2 weeks ago? Because we have to be realistic and know that everyone who is at this point a leader in a field, once was a zero in that field. So remember that, and just try to find time to practice as much as you can, to earn time. If you are getting into challenging things and thus getting better learning from mistakes, you should at least tell yourself that side of the story too.

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DAY 66:

Today I was just completely exhausted. I'm still not fully recovered from my flu and it seems to be taking a vengeance on me for working so much yesterday. So today was slow. Accompanying that were urges to play that were the strongest they've been in perhaps the past month or two, I really sit and seriously consider opening another steam account to buy a game so I can play without having to ask my mom for my account back. I'm still resisting but it's amazing how tempting it is. The side effect is that I can feel that I lack meaningful things to do if I don't do art. Despite the fact that I've quit gaming, I haven't been great at changing the rest of my lifestyle yet. Most of my time right now is spent isolated and on meaningless commutes and Youtube. 

I'm really looking forward to getting back to university where I'll have some external goals and a social life forced on me.
 

1 hour ago, fawn_xoxo said:

That's because you are in this phase that you are aware of where you are, skill wise, and you are also aware of where you want to go. To say you're not good enough is firstly vague and we should be specific when we tell ourselves things, especially bad things. Good enough.. for what? For a job? Maybe you are not up to par with those artists you admire yet. Yet. But are you better than 2 weeks ago? Because we have to be realistic and know that everyone who is at this point a leader in a field, once was a zero in that field. So remember that, and just try to find time to practice as much as you can, to earn time. If you are getting into challenging things and thus getting better learning from mistakes, you should at least tell yourself that side of the story too.


@fawn_xoxo Good enough for stable employment is probably my bar. I guess I have improved somewhat recently, but right now I am in such a hurry to replace my portfolio that I don't really have time to improve. At the end of the day, the reality is that I've wasted a lot of my time up until now, and my art is really not good enough to make me a steady income. It kills me that I might have to quit art because I fucked up the past few years. And at the same time, the sheer pressure of having to always worry about if I'm good enough makes me second guess my career choice. I don't know if my 'passion' is worth all the pressure and self-esteem problems I feel every day.

Hopefully, I'll make more progress on the portfolio tomorrow. Can't wait until I'm back to full health either!

P.S: @James Good, I think we should continue this discussion in PM's or else it's gonna take over my diary. ?

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DAY 67:

Started out slow today as well but got several hours in working on the portfolio nonetheless. Finished my first piece for it! Feels good. Then I spent the evening playing board games with some friends. Its definitely nice to scratch the gaming itch from time to time in this manner, but I see the time as a lot more productive as the social element is so much bigger than just playing online together. Cravings for gaming seem to have subsided, even before the board games started up which is nice. And now that the portfolio is going I'm starting to feel like I'm on a roll. I just have to keep this momentum up, maybe in a month or two, I'll have something I'm actually proud of.

john-muller-pf-art-treesketches-001-jhm.jpg

Edited by ElectroNugget
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DAY 68-69:

Not an entirely unproductive weekend. On Saturday I relaxed and read some books all day, which was nice. I am noticing that I am starting to crave drawing since it's one of the few things in my life that gives me satisfaction currently. I guess it's a sign that the gaming detox is working. When I'm bored, I can't play games or do anything else really that I used to use to 'satisfy' my boredom since I am tired of the internet and Youtube. That leaves only one option: drawing. It's nice. I feel like it might actually result in more work getting done, and making some progress again as an artist in the coming years.

Today I finished up a second page for my portfolio, the rock formations I posted earlier. So this was a good week, despite being sick I managed to put in some good hours and actually finish two pieces. I guess that's not half bad. It's a hell of a lot more than I've managed in the past year or so that's for sure.

PF_ART_RockSketches_001_JHM.png

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DAY 70:

Last night my girlfriend and I broke up. I am absolutely crushed. The past years of my life have been difficult, and my relationship with her was one of the few things I could point to as an indication that things were finally getting better. The reasons were purely logistical, life is taking is in different directions with my upcoming studies and her plans to study abroad, and we just can't keep the long distance relationship going. So, great, we don't hate each other. We still love one another, but we can't be together.

Obviously, it's really tempting to give up on everything now. A big part of my motivation and help with quitting games and porn came from her, and now she's gone. I'm all alone again. I've managed to stay my hand today, but I must admit I am having extremely dark thoughts. I feel as though anything good I've managed to grasp since my depression has been taken away from me. 

All that said, I got to work today and put in the hours on my portfolio despite my feelings. This is a larger environment piece which is actually looking kinda cool. So I guess there's that.

When will life just cut me some fucking slack?

PF_ART_HeroBuilding_005_JHM.png

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Whew well, sucks to hear that. Take your time on it and see what you can make up of it and don't do anything fatally stupid. Judging from the way you wrote it, you didn't expect that in the slightest and it was likely more or less on her decision.

Even if her reason is valid and running a long-distance relationship is not easy (my ex would travel 3 hours by train to see me and I would have to drive half of that if I was seeing her), there's some merit in knowing that "sooner" (for women) or "later" (for men), you want to start living together and have some joint, shared vision of future together, because women are tighter on the biological clock (again, I think might've been relevant, if you dated for several years). Perhaps she couldn't articulate that well enough, perhaps you turned a blind eye to that aspect, who knows.

Again, this is purely my perspective from your writing and don't you dare do anything fatally stupid. You'll get by, with or without her. Feel free to PM me, if you want!

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Life is challenging, but no matter how your relationship goes in the future know that God infinitely loves you and all of us and wants us to actualize the potential that he has granted each one of us. Things will get better as you continue to improve yourself and your life: do not fall back into a relapse. Praying for you and best of luck ?

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Thanks to everyone for the support. @Ikar, it wasn't so much a suprise, we have been struggling with long distance for a long time. I had felt that maybe we wouldn't make it, then suddenly in one conversation it was over. It was an amicable breakup, but I don't think I appreciated just how much she meant to me in terms of my recovery lately. Not that I never told her that, just that it came as a very severe blow despite my expectations.

DAY 71:

So more bad news. This morning we had to put my cat down. Like my ex-girlfriend, this was not necessarily unexpected, I knew the vet was coming today for the past week, and that my cat was getting very very old (17 years), and that putting him down was a possibility. That said, it still destroyed me. My cat, Tiger, was my first and only pet. I've known him since I was 11 years old. He was a loyal companion. This week has had a huge amount of suffering for me. As I was bundling his limp body into the vet's car I just completely broke down. I've felt numb all day.

All that said, I still managed to go to work and get more time in on my portfolio and finish my next piece. I guess it's a good sign that even in all this pain, I'm choosing to try to be productive, to keep creating, rather than just laying back and moping around playing games to escape my feelings. In fact, I've probably been more productive these past two weeks than I have in a long time. So it's not all bad. But yeah, man... When it rains it pours.

R.I.P. Tiger, I'll miss you.

64710909_361394924561369_4197268158794432512_n.jpg

Edited by ElectroNugget
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Hey John,

I second what James and fawn said. I'm really sorry to hear about your past couple of days. Life really just tries to beat us down sometimes, and there's not much we can do to stop it. I hope you catch a break soon--you deserve it after all of this.

Your attitude throughout this is actually very inspiring to me. I would've been flattened by this for days.

Hang in there, bud, and RIP to Tiger.

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DAY 72:

Thanks guys for all the wishes. I want you to know I really appreciate all your kind words and support. 

I'm just going to be really honest here because I think I need to get these feelings out of my head and onto the page. Maybe writing things down here will be cathartic.

I'm really, really devastated right now. I've been holding back tears all day. I went in to work and did a drawing of Tiger for my mom, to make a print so we can commemorate him. It was nice to spend a lot of time looking at pics of him, remembering good memories and trying to capture his essence on the page. I'm glad I did it. And as I've said before, while I'm not always getting an 8hr work day in, I'm glad that I've reached a space where I feel like working most days and at least produce something. It's a lot better than the past year or so, where I'd often come to 'work' and get nothing done, just sitting and playing Civilization. I've been talking about my portfolio since February of last year (feels like aeons ago), and it's nice that I'm FINALLY getting something done. I suppose that's progress.

All that said, man I am hurting. Last year, I was clinically depressed for a few months, and I can feel all the telltale signs and thoughts again. It really boils down to this: my life is in shambles. I can't hold down a job, a relationship, or even change bad habits like my porn use. I feel weak and worthless. I feel like everything I've attempted to do since I left university 4 years ago has ended in misery and failure. I am willing to take on responsibility, but I feel like I'm in a place where nobody is willing to give me any. When I had a job last year I was doing much better, I had a schedule, people to talk to and work to accomplish and feel good about. Life had a direction, and my days had some meaning. Now my life is void. I work alone every day, on a project that I'm not even sure will pay off, and now my pet is dead and my latest girlfriend is gone. All events beyond my control.

Am I just weak? In some areas, I am reaping the results of years of lax behaviour. Days spent playing Civilization instead of painting. In others, I have been extremely unlucky. Every relationship I've ever had (four now) has ended due to long distance. Every good job I've ever had has been temporary, and I've been canned when projects fell through. I've battled with chronic anxiety and depression. I've had two big breakups now that were closely followed by a death. So many of the things that have assailed me in the past four years were beyond my control. Am I cursed? Or do other people live their lives with the same bad luck and just keep going? Am I just not strong enough? What am I doing wrong here?

I don't know. I'm really struggling. I want to play something, but I know it won't solve anything. I want to be free of this pain. I'm so, so tired of feeling inadequate, fundamentally broken, and life going out of its way to kick me while I'm down. I can't stop living in the past, looking at old lovers and seeing how happy they are now. I look around and see people with jobs, houses and kids at my age. It's not that I necessarily want that, but then to look at myself and see just, a fucking mess, it's just so disheartening. I couldn't have those things now even if I did want them, and right now I don't feel like I ever will be able to.

I just don't know how much longer I can hold on.

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Damn, you are indeed getting hammered, the past catching up to you and the present stacking up together to get you. However, there's always possibility for redemption, especially if one is able to alter his approach and mindset.

I've put in my feedback on long-distance relationships before. At some point, the couple has to close in the distance and actually start being together and so that means at least one of them is moving. It's quite the commitment and the clock doesn't stop, so I'm seeing a faulty pattern there. She can still support you if you are friends too.

Don't idolize your past work experience. At some point, you realized that it's better if you do your own thing. Unless it was legitimately as enjoyable, fun and meaningful as your painting hobby is right now, you did the right choice. Don't judge yourself too harshly, you wrote yourself that the past weeks you're making significant progress.

The future is still there for you, even if there's still gonna be several nasty surprises connected to the past. If everything else fails, you have two goals. Don't game and live. As for responsibility, it's something you adopt yourself, it's not something you randomly get. University might give you the paper that you are a student, but studying is on you.

I hope I didn't sound like too much of a preachy SOB, I'm trying to work with whatever information I've been given and I might be missing something. Hope this helps!

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I understand your state of mind very well. I have never been diagnosed, but I'm sure gaming and previous efforts at quitting had me depressed at some points in my life. Right now, as I'm trying to repair my shame and fear towards gaming, I'm experiencing anxiety fairly often, and I know that nobody outside of myself can help me with it, it is my responsibility. I think I understand how you feel, if not fully then in part. 

With that said we have to understand when we are overwhelmed by emotion and how that twists our way to view the world. Right now all the negative feelings have flooded you and as a result you are not capable of reason to the degree you were before these events. And that's expected and human. But when some days will pass and the pain will not be as intense, and time matters for that, I suggest that you look online for a worksheet on cognitive distortions and how you might be looking at yourself from an unpleasantly biased point of view. I have and still struggle with considering myself a certain type of bad person and I've found it all starts from those wrong opinions I've created in my mind. I also suggest that you look into the Socratic method in psychology which is similar.

My experience with negative feelings all these years tells me that I have to take different actions than I have been taking thus far if I find myself in an anxious or depressed state, and also take action despite being in such a state. That's why I said you were brave before.

Hang in there.

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Thanks again to everyone who's actually taking the time to read my huge posts and write such thoughtful responses. It's really appreciated. @Ikar I appreciate the advice. You are right, the future still awaits. I am just struggling to overcome my own negative bias. I will write more about that below.

 
 
1
16 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
 
1
15 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

With that said we have to understand when we are overwhelmed by emotion and how that twists our way to view the world. Right now all the negative feelings have flooded you and as a result you are not capable of reason to the degree you were before these events. And that's expected and human. But when some days will pass and the pain will not be as intense, and time matters for that, I suggest that you look online for a worksheet on cognitive distortions and how you might be looking at yourself from an unpleasantly biased point of view. I have and still struggle with considering myself a certain type of bad person and I've found it all starts from those wrong opinions I've created in my mind. I also suggest that you look into the Socratic method in psychology which is similar.

@fawn_xoxo, this is some great advice and I think it truly cut to the heart of my problem. Of course, it's OK to feel grief in a rough week, but perhaps I need to reflect on why and how my negative emotions overwhelm my ability to have any sense of perspective in my life. I can't afford to crash like this every time something bad happens to me in life. There will be more bad things ahead, but also good. I need to find a way to turn my normal way of looking at things around.

DAY 73:

I decided to take the day off today to get some rest. I desperately needed to get some extra sleep, as I've probably been deprived for a few weeks now since I was sick. There are pretty big bags under my eyes and I think my sleep deprivation wasn't helping with my ability to manage my feelings. So I slept in, and although today was still tough, it was a lot easier to keep things in check.

Fawns comment got me thinking about why I crash so violently every time something bad happens to me. I think it's my mindset. I've always had low self-esteem, and probably been more negative than most. There's a lot of reasons for this in my childhood, but there's no point in going into it. The point is, I process the world with a negative frame of mind, and the only time I really feel good/neutral in general is when my life is giving me a lot of positive feedback - good working environments, financial security, good social life. Yada yada. The sad truth is I haven't had much of those things these past few years, and my struggles with depression and anxiety have only made my negative worldview worse. All that time spent locked up in my own head, ruminating on how fruitless life is, or living in constant fear of a heart attack or something, has laid an easy and quickly accessible path to very negative thoughts that I can travel at any time. No wonder I'm unhappy all the time.

I really need to work on changing how I perceive the world, and even how I perceive negative events and feelings. And especially the past. Rather than worrying about my past relationships, I should be glad I had them, and happy if my former lovers are currently doing well. After all, if I truly care about them, is that not the most important thing? Wanting their happiness to be tied only to myself is a selfish desire. Likewise for former experiences good and bad. I should be happy for the good times, glad I got to experience them, rather than sad they're gone. And as for the bad times, I should look for lessons in them, and try to see the silver lining, rather than screeching about how unfair it is.

It's not going to be easy. I have been a very negative person for a very long time. But if I want to actually enjoy the existence I've been handed, I need to start looking at it differently.
 

john-muller-pf-art-herobuilding-002-jhm.jpg

Edited by ElectroNugget
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Sorry to hear about all of the negative things going on in your life. But I'm happy to see some of the positives as well.  I tend to struggle with a few of the same mindsets you have as you've read from my posts. One of the things that works for me when I'm about to go into a downward spiral is just plain old catching myself. It sucks because I'll want to ruminate in negative thoughts. These thoughts distort my perception of reality. I'll become visceral and cut-throat with my words and thoughts towards myself and others. Only through experimentation can we find what the solution to changing our thoughts.

I've found that changing my environment is a big one. If my mother bothers me for example, I leave the house and see friends. During this time I listen to loud, emotionally pleasing music and sing to it. By the time I see my friends I'll have all of the explosive energy gone from singing or ranting. I can then tell my friends jokes and get myself laughing. Laughing has always been the way to my heart and finding happiness. Being in the company of others who treat me better than I treat myself, laughing, changing my environment, and participating in an engaging activity like board games or cooking really help clear the mind. If I can't change my environment then I will go watch something incredibly stupid on YouTube like the Paula Dean or Billy Mays YouTube poops where they poorly edit the videos. They're so random, unpredictable, and funny, that it breaks my chain of negative thought.

When I get angry I see the world as black or white. I see things as "I hate that" or "that is ok to me". I start to predict things that I'll hate and wait for things to turn into something I hate and then I've now proven that I was going to hate it. I say this because those random comedy videos that are so clever that I can't predict them helps clear that thinking pattern from my head. Randomly Billy Mays will tell some child to go fuck themselves for not eating hamburgers, but he's trying to sell people laundry detergent. It's so unexpected, but hilarious, that it changes my mindset and I start to realize I don't need to be that angry or negative. Then I can drift off for a bit and start thinking of things I enjoy and work my way out to being happy again.

I think you should be proud of what you're doing. If you look at what our peers are doing in their forum diaries, you can be vigilant enough to realize you're the only one consistently producing great art. We're all improving in certain areas and trying hard to get there. Others are making career improvements or relationship improvements, or just behavioral improvements. Be proud of yourself for doing this art, but don't compare yourself with others on here and don't beat yourself up.

Look at what we're all doing. We quit video games, right? That can't be too hard, right? Wrong. Video games are a keystone lifestyle. They're not a hobby or a habit. Video games are a lifestyle. If you want to socialize you play multiplayer games, if you want to focus you can do puzzle games, if you want to adventure you can do an elder scrolls game, if you want to build your skills and track improvement you can play world of warcraft or runescape. If you want to date you can just have a stupid online relationship with a fake person for emotional affection and watch porn for sexual satisfaction (temporary). 

When you give all of that up you realize how hard it is to replace it all. Finding enough hobbies to replace video game usage is difficult. You gotta find out why you gamed through the types of games you played and the environment you craved. For me, I loved social interaction, tracking my growth, and competition. I played RuneScape and ran a 200 person clan, tracked my growth, became the best NHL player in the world for 3 years, and competed all of the time. I had to replace RuneScape with seeing my friends and doing things like board games, vacations, restaurants, etc. I then found recreational sports for competition (albeit friendly and not as satisfying), and I'm developing my cartoon and YouTube comedy series for venting stress, creative flow, and humor. But I still wake up and hate my life a lot recently and I know it will pass. It passes when I keep a good sleep schedule, eating schedule, and work full time. Setting calendar goals has been good for me for the past 4 years. 

So I'd cut yourself some slack and do some studying on how to catch yourself spiraling with negative thought and move forward. You probably already know what makes you happy and what changes your mind and thought patterns. It's ok to cut yourself slack. This self improvement stuff drives people insane. We constantly think about how to improve ourselves and don't appreciate any progress we make. We constantly seek perfection, but perfection changes in our eyes every few months. I bet months ago you'd be happy to just draw. Now you might want to draw perfectly or something. This might not be the case, but I'm just giving an example of how our perception of perfection is a skewed line and our minds work against us. If someone called you pathetic and no good, you'd want to kick their ass, right? Don't do it to yourself. It's hard, but it starts with catching yourself and setting attainable goals. Self improvement is the ultimate marathon and most people go into it with a sprinter's mindset.

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@ElectroNugget Myself, I shared my opinions on my childhood phase with my family quite recently, just so they know and perhaps can follow my train of thought and I slowly begin to see that problems are there to be solved, not to be ran away from, otherwise they'll just bounce back on top of other new problems. Problems are good. Taking a break to see that things are going well is also good. You don't even need anyone else to help you solve yours, so that's even better!

Exes are rough to deal with. On one hand, they know you better than anyone else (and there's tons of value in that, especially if you can get an honest conversation going), on the other, there's something in that why you parted (and usually not on good terms). If it was serious, both of you did something wrong along the way (so you can't blame it on the other) or there was something wrong to begin with. There's also gonna be a point when you have to draw the line, where you just stop worrying about what they might tell you, because it's been such a long time ago that the information isn't valid (something I am figuring out myself right now). And no matter how close you are to someone, telling the truth is rough and they need to not only trust you, but trust themselves to trust you and you can't trust yourself, if you keep questioning everything, because you are depressed (generally for the reason you're not honest with yourself and don't trust yourself).

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

When you give all of that up you realize how hard it is to replace it all. Finding enough hobbies to replace video game usage is difficult. You gotta find out why you gamed through the types of games you played and the environment you craved.

Good line, I've read it before, but it is important to realize that.

4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

We constantly think about how to improve ourselves and don't appreciate any progress we make. We constantly seek perfection, but perfection changes in our eyes every few months. I bet months ago you'd be happy to just draw. Now you might want to draw perfectly or something.

This is why I like monthly summary. It helps keep progress in the grander scheme of things and it's also a good indicator of where you are heading and what your goals are. I don't think anything is a goal, unless you work towards it at least once a month.

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On ‎6‎/‎18‎/‎2019 at 7:49 PM, ElectroNugget said:

Hi Electronugget, thats a lot of amazing art there.

I hope everything is going better and sad to hear about Tiger. That has got to be a lot of good years, as well as for tiger. 

?

 

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Greetings John! 

What programs do you use for your digital drawing? Do you use drawing tablet? With display or without? Good job on your drawing btw! What do you suggest to do when someone starting learn how to draw? 

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Hey all, thanks for the messages as usual. ?

@BooksandTrees You are so right about a lot of things. I think especially one thing that rings true and that's starting to frustrate me is that videogames are, as you said, a lifestyle. Without them I really have nothing left. Yes I can draw, and it's OK, but my social life is in complete shambles without it, and I don't feel like I really have a way to 'unwind' right now which might be contributing to all my frustration and negativity.

@Ikar I have one ex in particular who I was with for five years who I somehow still carry a torch for, four years later. She's married now, and here I am, unemployed, depressed and alone. I don't know if it's her I really miss, or more just the validity, purpose and support she brought to my life. I don't know if I'll ever feel like that again. Anyways, what's the format of your monthly summary?

@The radtech Thanks for the kind words. ? They were good years, hopefully when my grief passes I can focus on that.

@katsudo19 Thanks man. I use photoshop and a wacom cintiq tablet, sometimes drawing directly on the display, other times using it as a regular tablet. As for starting, you can find pretty good cheap classes on Udemy.com, otherwise I'd look around on Youtube. Really the best way to begin is just to get a pencil and a sketchbook and go out and draw everything you see. Life drawing is the foundation of all good art.

DAY 74:
Today was another hard day. I am swimming around in negative emotions that come and go as they please. Sometimes I feel OK, then all of a sudden I get really sad, angry or frustrated. I am at constant war with myself. 

I went to see my therapist today and she said I had 'complicated grief', and outlined basically all the symptoms I'm experiencing. Overwhelming negative emotion, inability to tell where it's coming from, etc. She described it as being bowled over by a wave in the ocean, and only being able to come up momentarily for breath. That's a pretty good description of the past week imho. I'm sad, angry, frustrated, sometimes by themselves or all at once, my body is stiff with tension. I feel like I positively radiate negative emotions. When I came home tonight and talked to my parents about it my mom got really upset about it. I can tell being here so long and my long struggle with depression is starting to wear them down.

Without games, I don't really know how to vent these feelings or deal with them in a positive way. Or even just, you know, unplug from everything for a while. I guess having an escape like games isn't a solution, but this constant stress isn't helping much either. I really end up doubting if I have 'what it takes' to be a successful adult. Somebody has to fill those suicide numbers after all.


My therapist encouraged me to practice self-compassion, which is similar to what I was thinking yesterday: I need to get better at talking to myself and improving the way I look at myself and my prospects. I hope I can figure that out before it's too late.

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8 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

I am at constant war with myself

Dude you need to start loving yourself unconditionally. Accept yourself with all good and bad.

8 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

I'm sad, angry, frustrated, sometimes by themselves or all at once, my body is stiff with tension.

Give up control. Tell yourself You Can't Control Everything in Life. It's okay. Trust me. 

8 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

Without games, I don't really know how to vent these feelings or deal with them in a positive way.

Music helps me a lot. 

Book recommendation: 

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

https://www.amazon.com/Iron-John-Book-About-Men/dp/0201517205/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=iron+john&qid=1561183427&s=books&sr=1-2

https://www.amazon.com/Jack-Donovan/e/B007LF4QJS/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1

Check also:

https://www.artofmanliness.com

 

Dude fuck motivation books. You need find your masculinity.

 

 

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8 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

I have one ex in particular who I was with for five years who I somehow still carry a torch for, four years later. She's married now, and here I am, unemployed, depressed and alone. I don't know if it's her I really miss, or more just the validity, purpose and support she brought to my life. I don't know if I'll ever feel like that again.

You can feel like that again, I am sure of that! There's not gonna be any shortage of hard work while doing that though.

8 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

Anyways, what's the format of your monthly summary?

I go over my diary, write down whatever important areas of my life I can think of and track progress on them. If it's a priority, I should progress towards it at least once a month!

8 hours ago, ElectroNugget said:

I feel like I positively radiate negative emotions. When I came home tonight and talked to my parents about it my mom got really upset about it. I can tell being here so long and my long struggle with depression is starting to wear them down.

This is an interesting observation and I think it's correct. I also feel like people around me (primarily parents) are getting better, since I quit gaming. Just the mere fact I spend more time with them or do the household chores when asked more often.

I also get this "comfortable tiredness" feeling at the end of the day more often, literally feeling I did some actual work to justify my existence today. One of my friends called that happiness and he might be right, because it's the moment when you are enjoying the good work you did during the day and you are taking a few minutes to appreciate that at the end of the day which should be gratitude.

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Hey John.

I've been off the radar for a week dealing with my own shame. Just catching up with your journal now. Really sorry about all the struggles and losses man. Sending love and good vibes your way, I really hope you can pick yourself up and start to shine. You're a really talented artist and an articulate guy. You will come thru this stronger than ever, I have a good feeling. I want the best for you buddy. Rooting for you.

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