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Question of the week: What's your favourite quote?

dahankus

Relapsed after completing my goal, back at it now

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Day 47. Saturday.

Habits completed counter: 26

I am thankful for the opportunity help others.

Nothing much happening today.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 48. Sunday.

Habits completed counter: 26

I am having difficulties to keep habits on the weekends. Life is too unpredictable when there is no routine.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 49. Monday.

Habits completed counter: 27

I was very distracted during the weekend. Didn't do much of anything, and sort of drifted. I don't feel bad, just tired. Had some cravings on the weekend, but they went away quickly. I want to work more during this week, and hopefully make some improvements on my project.

I am not a gamer.

 

 

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Day 50. Tuesday.

Habits completed counter: 28

After my great high of last week, I fell to feelings of tiredness and despair. Maybe I am affected by external factors more than I would like to be. I remember getting very angry, maybe a repressed some of that anger which then turned into this down feelings. I used to do that when I was younger. In therapy I learned about this, and I was told to say what makes me angry when it makes me angry. To guard my boundaries and don't let others step into them. This has never been clear to me, how to not let others stepping on my boundaries. I try my best, but I know I am not very effective.

I also got a promotion, sort of, I get more responsibility and additional work as team leader, organizing work, splitting task and delegating then to others. I have done this before on smaller projects and bigger teams. Here the work is overwhelming and the team is ... 3 people. I will do whatever I can to make this work, and organize this mess. This along with me moving with my gf back to my parents to be able to pay for the loan we took to buy a piece of land to build our future home. Its a stressful time for me alright.

Some times life gives us this huge weight suddenly, to take up the hill. But we know, that every step under this load makes us stronger, and takes us closer to the top. This is my life, and I am not a gamer.

 

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Day 51. Wednesday.

 Habits completed counter: 29

Have to put my project on the site for some weeks, because I have a lot of new materials to learn for work. I am glad because now I have real reason and motivation to learn this things, and apply them which will give me additional experience on my CV for the future.

I have had some cravings for gaming, but they were just echoes of my mood swings. Some nostalgia here and there. I acknowledge and let go.

I have been going to the gym 3 times a week for 40 / 60  min. But still I am gaining the "belly" xD. It has to be genes and age. I don't eat that much sweets and I don't drink beer. Its freaking me out a bit lol.

I am not a gamer.

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Day 52. Thursday.

Habits completed counter: 30

Its astounding how fast this 50 days have past. A variety of things has happened, and many changes to my way of thinking and behaving. I miss games, I miss the feeling of simplicity, and control. The way I knew what I was supposed to do and the way to do it was right in front of me. Right now, my life is growing in complexity and I find myself longing for simpler times. This is life, the greatest challenge we all get to face, I can keep running from it, or face it with arms wide open.

I know how it makes me feel when I run from it, sadness and despair. Clinging to the easiest source of dopamine possible. Destroying the mind, and desecrating the body. This I know. And I am not choosing that path again. 

I am open. I am willing. I am ready. To give all that I can be to this world. Today and tomorrow, I am not a gamer.

 

Edited by dahankus

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Day 53. Friday.

Habits completed counter: 31

Day by day, i see improvements. Before quitting gaming most of the time I felt sad,depressed,down, some times i got this surges of positive emotion. Now its the other way around. Most of the time I feel positive and motivated, and only some times I feel down. And it has been only 53 days. I cant wait to see how I will feel at 100 or 1000!!!

I am not a gamer.

 

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Day 54. Saturday.

Habits completed counter: 32

Today I have cravings, not for games specifically but for recreation. I want to have a good time, I want to play something, have fun. This is very odd, as the only way I can think of that would scratch that itch is video games. I feel that after all the effort I went through I deserve a prize. I feel playing for a while will not be so bad. And I am right there.

But, why would I play a video game? Why that specific mode of entertainment? Why would my brain release dopamine on the thought of me playing anything? 

Lately the thoughts of a future with videogames has been coming back to me stronger than ever. As see my personal future brighter I see my gaming possibilities expand. Bigger screen! Better surround audio. VR stuff!! Amazing game room!! I would have so much fun.... wouldn't I? Would that make me happier? Will that room fill me with that happiness?? No. It wouldn't.

It would be amazing, but that's about it. No real essence. No meaning. Like a personal "pub" filled with drinks for an alcoholic. Or a personal stash of 5 kilo of a drug for an addict. It is just there to scratch the itch. To make the wounds deeper, and the itch stronger. I don't want that future, that is why I will never play video games.

I am not a gamer. 

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Day 55.

Habits completed counter: 33

Reading my yesterdays post fear appears in my heart. What if I will never find something as pleasant and enjoyable as video games? I have been around this world for 33 years, I have 33 years more to go in order to retire. During my time, the world changed drastically in many areas, and it will not stop changing. I also changed, and will keep on changing, improving. That is why I don't want video games in my life. They block change. Any activity that prevents you from changing is dangerous as it goes against the natural order of things.

Maybe one day, games will not do that and then It will be fine. Maybe one day, our civilization will move in a direction of virtual worlds where everything is possible and its meaningful. But right now its not.

 

I am not a gamer.

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