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mattso

mattso's late journal

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Day 34

I started off with being full of scorn towards my life, bored with gaming, and saw a damn clear path forward. That's why so far I haven't had the need to block gaming-related YT channels or websites. Sometimes, in my browser I type "pathofe", look what results come up, laugh at them and come back to what I was doing.

I haven't read anything valuable in over a week. I'm going to start reading "The Slight Edge" again, but this time differently- one chapter every day. And every day I'll have one major thought to take from. What's the point of finishing an entire book in 3 days if I won't remember 2/3 of it?

I need to apply this sort of consistency in more and more areas of my life. I'm used to living in a spiky, inconsistent way, while that's not what it takes to really improve. Now that I can't really say "I can't exercise, I'm still recovering" I'm going to do pushups daily. That's my new discipline. And then when they're not enough, I'll add more things to my exercise list. And also my new daily discipline will be to listen to something valuable while commuting. I can turn my downtime into uptime, so why would I miss an opportunity to do that?

If I didn't start a new life, right now I'd  be refreshing my phone like a maniac and happily preparing to once again beat the same story, go through the same map system, kill the same old bosses, do a few insanely boring grinds only to get another meaningless golden trophy to showcase in my hideout, all of that over a course of two months, while still struggling with loneliness, no perspectives for my future, and no interest in anything in life. I only regret that I hadn't started my journey earlier.

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Day 35

Today it's been 5 weeks. To me that sounds more impressive than the same number in days. How did 5 weeks already fly by? Just a really solid day that I'm happy with. All my disciplines fulfilled, I wasn't grumpy. Found Cam's video on how to make friends- solid stuff, I didn't even realise how simple daily steps compound to reforged social skills. From tomorrow I'll do my gratitude list in the morning, not evening- start strong, finish strong. Or even look at it, should be the same. And then I have an entire weekend to find out how to continue learning to play a guitar. Awesome.

Happy with:

- A nice place to sleep.

- Not feeling like shit because of playing.

- Enjoying social contacts rather than seeing them as an annoyance.

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Day 37

In the evening I went on the internet to read some about exercising, as that's the next thing I'll pick on, and stumbled upon this intriguing video:

This man is basically an extreme version of me a year ago (not that everything matches, obviously), but it seems that he entered a new path, just like all of us did. If anything this makes me grateful that I didn't go deeper into a path of loneliness. And that he stopped too. I'll most likely never meet him and why do I even care, but it's relieving that people around the world decide to put their lives together at any point.

Lately I haven't been writing much about how my day goes, because I feel like I am just doing the right stuff daily. I should still work on being more purposeful with my time, perhaps an agenda, because I still find myself not knowing what to do next from time to time.

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Day 38

Try to find a moment every day to think about what or who you appreciate. Don't try to force this feeling, but rather remind yourself of it. Your mind doesn't have to go very busy, just drop the question into the mind and see what comes up naturally.

I still need to figure out my exercise plan, because otherwise there is nothing I can really work towards. Same with a couple different things. But I think it's okay to have some stuff pending, since introducing everything rapidly would overwhelm me most likely. So as long as I catch up on one thing every few days, I feel okay with it. Better start low and go slow than overdo it in first few days and get put off because I don't succeed in everything at once.

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Day 39

Hm. For the first time in a bit I got tired in the middle of the day, but still did what I was supposed to do. Nice. I should be sleeping rn. My evenings are weird. Tomorrow I'll take my first steps towards a new morning routine, that is having my phone alarm on my other desk so that I have to walk to turn it off, drink a glass of water, splash some cold water over my face, exercise for 5 minutes, eat, meditate, appreciate, brush my teeth, go. I probably won't manage to do everything in my first attempt, but I have to start somewhere. Thankful for:

Putting the effort into having valuable conversations today.

How my friend gave me the impulse to start my journey.

Spending very little time on browsing irrelevant things on YT.

Building a better version of myself every day.

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Day 40

Morning tourned out to be a lot better than I anticipated. The only thing that was missing was additional five minutes for meditation, because I had to kinda meditate in a hurry, which is never a good thing. When I was bringing up things that I was thankful for, I couldn't summon up anything that seemed worth... appreciating... but that's the wrong way to think about it. As I noted on day 38, it's not about forcing the feeling, just remembering. If nothing particularly obvious comes up, no matter. I should just be at ease with my mind.

Our school organises open days in a week. I was thinking of being one to show new guys around the school. But I doubted if I wanted to do it. As soon as that doubt came, I also thought "It's not the first time doubt hinders me. And I'm 99% sure I'm going to regret it if I let it stop me this time." I talked to a friend, who was also considering it, and we both signed up. It doesn't sound like much, but holy crap am I happy about overcoming fear for the unknown. That's bound to be an awesome experience, because I'll see sooo many new people on those two days. So much social skill practice! Even if I stumble here and there, I'll still improve by a bit.

Big goals are what I need. Right now I only have one that is vivid, has a timeline, and I know what steps to take that might bring me there. Something that I can look at every day and think "Today I did this and that, which brought me closer to that big goal! Awesome!"

Things that went well:

- It was a really good day of programming. I didn't improve much knowledge-wise, but solved a couple practical problems. Such a refreshing feeling.

- Plenty of energy to do everything.

- Morning was a blast, sleepiness didn't exist.

- Overcoming fear of social interactions. I told myself some time ago that I'll need to take the opportunities to meet people. I finally made a step towards this goal of becoming more social.

- 40 days of no gaming. 40 is a nice number.

Day 41

Morning was even better. I woke up an hour before my alarm went off, tried to sleep but it didn't come. And in that way I had time to everything I wanted. I honestly don't remember much from today's events, but I listened to GQ podcast episode about productivity, and I really took it to my heart. Not that I'll do everything it suggested tomorrow, but I can definitely see the benefits of applying visualisation, writing down goals and breaking them into small ones. That topic was really what I spent most of my day on. I also had a lot of energy, but today it seemed to almost get out of hand and turn into... aggression. It's not the first time that it happens.

This week's goal is to contemplate on what I want to work towards and put it in words. I need this always available reminder of why I'm doing the things I do. Really badly. And to know which things are worth doing.

If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable.

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Day 42

I'm lost. I'm lost in the woods. I didn't meditate or exercise in the morning. I don't remember why. I had some unreasonable feeling of stress. And I think I ate something bad. It's 8 PM and I don't want to do anything. My daily disciplines, whatever they are, are futile if I don't know what they are supposed to lead to. I am repeating myself, but this is crucial for me. A bad day, whoop dee fucking doo.

Am I the only highschool student around here? Why does everyone seem to be in college or working or even having kids?

Edited by mattso

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Most people don't have it catch up to them or realize that it is a problems until later in life.

I can't sit around and spout inspiring stuff, but there are always bad days.  Accept them and move on.  They happen and the next day, they are history.  Just learn from them.  

I can suggest reading my post under general discussion "Be Bored".

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13 minutes ago, SilentQ said:

Accept them and move on.  They happen and the next day, they are history.

Well that's why I threw a whoop dee doo at it. I know my journey isn't going to be only sun, flowers and rainbow-farting unicorns and I'm okay with it.

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Maybe change the mind set.  Don't consider the things that you are losing or how difficult it will be.

All I can think of is how good it is that I sold all of my stuff and how much better things will be.  Clean house, more piano time, healthy dinners cooked, books read, more workouts completed, more time on my road bicycle, kayaking on lakes from my childhood.  All of these things that actually mean something.  It will be great.

 

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Day 43

I did my morning things, but later I got hit by a stress attack. I have self-destructive thoughts when under those, the most common one being imagining jumping out of a window. Then I started to feel my symptoms of loneliness, aka seeing hostility everywhere and focusing entirely on negative interactions. After coming back home I knew I wasn't well, and decided to simply put my thoughts down on paper. As I got to the interactions, I stopped for a moment. At this point I already knew how loneliness distorts my view of others, and with that in mind I reviewed my day once again. Turns out that there were actually only 2 negative interactions, and many more neutral and positive ones. And that alone managed to cheer me up enough to take some action, which is exercise and vacoom the house, and I returned to a functional state. I am so damn proud of myself that for the first time in ages I managed to deal with loneliness instead of succumbing to it or escaping it.

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Day 44

I spent an entire day fulfilling many different duties. A few days ago I mentioned setting goals- well, I did something related to that, I just wrote down all goals for the weekend and really enjoyed crossing them off.

Day 45

I had a dream about gaming. And I stopped after some time because of guilt. Day's been pretty similar to yesterday, but almost everything was schoolwork. And 2 hours on a new GQ video. Didn't manage to do everything I planned for the weekend, but no crucial stuff was left behind.

I noticed that I only need 7-8 hours of sleep to be comfortable, down from 10. I should experiment with not using technology for 3 hours before going to sleep. And in general going to sleep earlier, because I still do it around an hour later than I'd like to.

@fawn_xoxo Does "Mind Over Mood" cover the topic of cognitive distortions? I'm planning to check out that book soon.

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Day 46

My phone is weird, it just removed a big chunk of my post for no particular reason. A bad day, who cares. Does it even matter outside of my head? I don't know if I mentioned it in my posts but on some days I get so stressed out that I have an irresistible urge to wave my hands and head like a maniac while making undefined noises. That's how I let go of pressure that's been collecting inside me. Or hitting various objects works too. I did very little today, spent lots of time on YT/pointless internet browsing. Did next to no reading. I might have underslept.

Thoughts about gaming have been coming lately. Is relapse inevitable? If so, should I just make it happen immediately and get through it?

Tomorrow is a pretty important day so I should do my best to set myself positively for it.

- My maths test went exceptionally well today.

- I guess I can go to sleep and that's cool?

- Tomorrow will probably be better, I can't see it being worse than today.

Nah, I just need to go to sleep, it's the best antidote. No more thinking.

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