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WuqingDi

Life changing journey

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Hello! This is my first diary ever and also my first attempt to quit gaming. I am a lazy person, but I'll try to update in daily.

https://forum.gamequitters.com/index.php?/topic/7058-im-gonna-say-bye-to-the-gaming/  This is my story (a little messy, but I tried to be more specific and less wordy. Maybe later I'll change it more accordingly to my tastes, but for now let it be)

I'd like to indtroduce myself as a person who grew up with not only offline/online-solo gaming, but also the termine "e-Sports" (which I kinda hate, but netherless). I started following professional scene of Dota from 12-13 years old and as I was growing up, e-Sports accompanied me throughout my teenage years so now it's become an inseparable part from my being. As I grew up, I started to play more games (like CS GO, LoL and HeartStone) and, also, become a fan of corresponding competitive scenes. It sounds normal, but from this I have a lot of problems:

1. As I play a game and encounter a bad day (it happens when you lose 2-3 games consecutively and as I play a co-needed games sometimes the lose is not because of me), so I try another game instead of stoping playing. As you can see the pattern, I can kill a day just playing games totally ignoring RL and all I must do. Also it gives me my second actual problem: toxicity.

2. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I'm very toxic in games. I know it's not my true nature, but more like an environment defence instinct. I think a lot of people who play online games will understand me: sometimes we don't bother ourselves with that we say and how we behave in internet. I dont like it. I want to be myself in every possible way and if in real life I can be quite, in online games I don't even try it. You can say it relives stress which isn't a bad thing, but after swearing on someone I'll feel upset because of what I've said. No stress relived, but more acquired.

3. Time. Priority. I can give gaming all I have to get nothing in return. I don't like it. And there are many more reasons.

Summarizing:

At first I didn't want to admit to it, thinking "can gaming really be an addiction?". But, after honestly asking my innermost feelings, I have to admit that I'm addicted. I couldn't admit if before because I knew the reason, but never had the balls to admit it: without gaming I'm nothing. Seriously, all I did in my life was gaming. There was a period when I couldn't talk about anything with my CLOSEST friends other than gaming. It felt so shameful and frustrating that I had no other interests/hobbies in life. There was a period when I was thinking about becoming a pro gamer, but ultimately gave up: I'm not even excellent in the game I've played most of the time. Because firstly I did it for fun and later just for a habbit. I've never tried to reach the apex.

So, now being aware of my situation, I want to change it. I have no particular dreams/goals in my life, maybe only one: be true to myself and be free. I want to control my own life, if I feel like I'm wasting my time and recources on the things which give me nothing in return, not even satisfaction, then what's the point in doing it? I reassured myself that I can't quit because I've put up money in some games, buying hats and continue playing just for this wack reason. Screw it. For now all I want is to try 90 days challenge. I know I can easly take 5-6 days without gaming, but one month? two months? even three? I can't be assured, so I'll try it with my utmost determination.

Hope this journal will help me passing through this period and reaching my ultimate objectives: bringing new things in my life and becoming more aware.

For now I don't have anything in mind that I want to try, so I'll just stick with some books I wanted to read.

DAY 1

I was studying all day long, which surprised me, because usually I'll take a pause and play some games for maybe 1-2 hours (sometimes it became all day of playing instead of "pauses") and only after that I'll reassume my studies. You can imagine how disctracted I was usually. Feels great to study all day long in a while. I know it's not something to be proud of, but it's a good start, isn't it? Later, around 9 p.m. I opened youtube and just like that I've been watching some video games content for 1-2 hours straight. Feels bad to dedicate so much time to it, I need to cut it little by little later.

DAY 2

The day went normally, except I again have been watching youtube for 2 hours (and maybe more) and it's not even the evening. I think I'm trying to fill the gap of gaming using it, so screw it. 1 hour a day till the saturday. Good thing I started reading more, but it bothers me that other than reading I have nothing else. It feels like I need to find something new, or pick up which I left behind because I "didn't have time". So I decided to continue learning programming. Now I have time and possibility, but why it feels like I'm rejecting in internally? Feels like my inner self is speaking to me: "you have better options to do, like gaming or watching youtube". Funny. eh? Never knew I'd say it, but screw my inner self!

Edited by WuqingDi

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@WuqingDi welcome! That's good you decided to start journaling. It is a great tool to get to know what's going on. 

Grayscale your phone, it will make youtube less interesting. 

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DAY 3

The day passed smoothly. Today I've been watching youtube for only 1 hour. Though I didn't have any more time to watch it, even if I wanted to😆. My sister took me out, she broke up with her boyfriend not too long ago, so I was helping her today, but in reality (maybe) I was helping myself. I'm single for some time so it'd be a lonely Valentine's day. In the end, I can't say I'm happy (I'm an indifferent type), but at least I didn't think about games today. Feels great, hope it'll continue like this. I still have a little more time before bed, so might just study programming.

Also, happy Valentine's day, everyone! Hope you all had a great day!

Edited by WuqingDi

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DAY 4

Morning was good, but had a little headache when it was nearing midday. Now I need to go to the library, it opens at 2 pm. I can't study at home, it's sad that I have only 1 hour to get from college to library (with house as an intermediate point where I can have lunch). This is the busiest time of the day for me. Also, I have a test tomorrow.

After 2 hours of reviewing test materials I think I'm ready. Still have around 3 hours before it's closing, so might as well study something else.

Oh, and I've tried DuoLingo. It's funny I didn't know about it before. I wanted to study chinese for some time already, but didn't have any resources and always was saying to myself "it will take so much time to collect the resources". And that time was always dedicated to gaming. Now I can learn it in meantime, while doing what I have to do for now: getting driving license, not falling behind in my college and aslo lerning more programming. After finishing my driving exams I'll go to the gym. Didn't go there for 3-4 years, it's gonna help with disciplining myself I think (hope to cop with it, no snapping, no escaping and no gaming, amen).

After going home I've studied some programming, now I plan to watch something on netflix and go to sleep. Bad thing I nearly had a snap: a desire to play some heartstone with my new deck is so big I can't expresss it. But still, I persevere.

Edited by WuqingDi

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DAY 5

Today was great, I've learned the numbers in chinese (and also a little of names, but I'm still bad at it) with DuoLingo. Later just spent time watching youtube, which feels ok because I didn't watch any game's content. Surprisingly, I've found a good film on netflix. It was about Einstein with a typical catchy title (something like "inside the mind of..."). Nevermind the title, it was really interesting (not novative, but it's my first film about Enstein, so I took a pleasure watching it). Bad thing, I again had some thoughts about gaming. It's getting harder to controll myself, but for today I'm still ok. The only problem is that right now I feel literally exhausted without doing anything. I think it's like this because I had two free hours when I didn't have to do anything, and usually I'd play some games in times like this, but now I don't know (and neither want) to do anything. How can I describe it? Frustrating. I've finally casted aside gaming hoping to do more productive things, but I still pity myself and laze around. Hope I'll be able to cope with my desires...

Edited by WuqingDi

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I also experience this feeling of wanting to lay down, think of nothing and do nothing. I can recommend that, whenever you find yourself feeling that way, you think of anything to do, and no matter how boring and pointless it seems to be, you start doing it. Worst thing that can happen is you'll find it boring, but there's a chance that you'll get hooked and forget about your wearyness. It doesn't have to be anything extraordinary, for instance, I usually read in those moments. It's normal that sometimes you want to rest- it's one of your needs, Cam talks about it in this video

Remember, noone said this was going to be easy. But I believe that you'll find strength to get through.

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@mattso thx for sharing your opinion (and for the video, didn't know there was an youtube channel) and also for encouraging. I came to the same conclusion: if I don't want to do anything because I think games are an better option then moreso I just HAVE TO do something.

DAY 6

Today I bought some new courses on udemy, it's always fun to learn new things (at least at the start :D). Also, it feels great because being busy had me not thinking about games. Oh, and I watched pilot of Prison Break (which my friend called the best tv show ever). I found it interesting, but usually I can't watch more than one episode per day, because it becomes boring somehow, which is sad because I won't have time for at least next 2-3 days (have a test at wednesday, need to prepare). Good monday to you guys, hope you'll cope with it (wish it never started T_T)

Edited by WuqingDi
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DAY 8

These 2 days I went ahead with my course, it's really a good way to not think about games, just need to be busy enough. (I have a test tomorrow, so I couldn't work a lot on my course). The downside is stress and some emptiness, when I don't want to do anything, but ultimately force myself. In the end, by today's evening I've decided to skip a day at college tomorrow. I know it's bad to run away from the problems, but better that than gaming out of stress. Maybe I pity myself too much, but better safe than sorry. I'll just find a caffe and read a book for some hours, maybe I'll code something interesting. Nothing in common with that college dictates me to code. I need to refresh myself out of this vicious cycle before it'll eat me whole. I don't know if somebody can relate: you don't do anything special, just your normal routine, but if you do it for so much time if starts to kill you from inside. Some family problems also played a part. Good thing I didn't game and even took less time watching/associating with any game's content, so even in these conditions I feel a little proud and hopeful about future.

Some thoughts: gaming addiction is a bad thing (as is any other type of addiction), but seeing some progress (even a little) is giving you joy. For me, even the smallest amount of joy is giving me strength. So, I hope nothing major will happen and I'll continue like this (didn't mean escaping my problems by that, I'll try to avoide it in the future)

Edited by WuqingDi

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DAY 9

Didn't really skip the college, dunno why but after waking up I found strength to do things in the right way. The only awful part of the day is that I have a headache for nearly half a day: from the morning till around 5-6 p.m, frantically, I was killing my mind trying to code a program in the wrong way. Funny thing, I knew it was wrong, but still kept persisting up, hoping to find a good solution to a hopeless case. Good thing: I, indeed, have resolved it, only to find out in the end that I can't run my programm: I couldn't apply my solution to a real-time run. Finally gave up with satisfaction (I know it's kinda vague, but it'll take too long to express it all, so summarising: tried to do something in a stupid way, knew it was stupid but still kept doing it, only to find out (nearly after half a day of effort) that it was impossible. Well, it's a good thing to give some "food" to your brain, but then you become zealos it always ends bad...)

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