Jump to content

NEW VIDEO: 4 Reasons Why You Should Quit Gaming...

JustTom

JustTom's Journal 3

Recommended Posts

I do not know the main point of the argument with your dad, but perhaps one day he decides to be approachable. You can stop seeing a friend, you can break up with a girlfriend, you can perhaps even weasel out of a marriage, but your biological family will stay the same and you can not quit it and neither can he.

Do not worry, in time you might find common ground again 🙂

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 77 | Work: 14p | Music: 0p | Misc: event

Day 78 | Work: hard to gauge | Music: 0p | Misc: social

Day 79 | Work: 0p | Music: 0p | Misc: 

Day 80 | Work: 0p | Music: 0p | Misc: 

ERHM. A lot of things have happened since my last update. My roommate graduated with a fantastic grade and left the same day to travel the world. I was quite sad about it, he's a great person and I really think I grew in a way I couldn't without him. Not just because I was able to stay sober for 80 days, but also my mindset changed considerably. I think I went through my bi-annual change of worldview or mindset. Before, I was hyper-focused on career achievement and when I couldn't do it through gaming, I was hating myself quite deeply. Of course I was always aware that there is more in life and career is not the only thing I wanted, but nevertheless, that was my #1 thing in life. Now I value life much more. Experience, presence and acceptance. I accepted myself for who I am. That, however, didn't mean that I want to change myself any less. It simply means that I am less resentful, or even accepting, towards my current self, while still striving to become better every day. I just don't obsess as much. On top of that, I now want to explore life first, before diving into a career. That means seeing new things, exploring opportunities, talking to new people, seeing new cultures. Yes, it includes travel, but it's not travel for travel's sake. I'm being aware of this romanticized fantasy of travel, but the truth is, I want to experience something that doesn't necessarily have a specific desired outcome. That's the exploration part. The benefits of it are unknown, but I believe they will be huge, and will overshadow the small sacrifice of money. ESPECIALLY because I can always return to my home town and live there for almost no cost. 
I had a meeting with my supervisors and I proposed an ambitious deadline for the thesis. They didn't think I could do it, so I made them a deal that if I show more-or-less half of the report written by the end of August(chapters were specified), then we'd settle for the earlier deadline. If not, then it's the end of November deadline, which for me is much worse because of the last exam I have to take in October and other reasons. 

This was friday. I got very excited to work super hard, but then one of our colleagues was leaving and having a goodbye party, so I went there and made a huge mistake by drinking. Quite a lot. Not to get hammered or anything, but I wasn't able to work for the rest of the day, went home and because it was my old room where no one will enter again, I went into my unconscious zombie mode. Just watching videos, series, browsing reddit and just kind of laying around doing nothing until I fell asleep. This wouldn't be a big deal - I was drunk and tired afterall, but because I didn't do any evening ritual, the next day was the same. And all sunday as well. It was even worse than that because I overslept until afternoon on saturday, and then even longer on sunday, essentially reversing my sleep schedule. Even though I didn't game, this kind of fucked up sleep feels very much like the old me. I've managed to not accumulate too much mess, but I'm back on the couch, which I used to game on during sleepless nights. My curtains are closed. I'm up at 4am to reset my sleep schedule with nootropics. I haven't talked to a single person for two days. I haven't worked, I haven't looked into music, I didn't do laundry, I didn't do anything productive, or unproductive but enjoyable. These states eventually lead to a relapse, it is guaranteed.

The fact that my roommate left is very significant to my addiction recovery. If I knew that somebody would eventually come in and hangout, I'd never go through such a weekend. I feel a bit scared. Because if I can't handle this now, I think I never will. 

Anyways, so my ambition of earlier graduation are 95% gone unless I somehow become a hyper-productive genius this week. I'll just try to reset sleep today, do as much as possible, and next week focus on recovering the habits that I started accumulating in the past two months. I really hope I didn't sabotage everything in the very first two days alone. If I didn't, I might be able to pull this off:

  • CGAA meeting or call with a person EVERY DAY
  • Leave laptop in the office every day 
  • 22:30 - shower, meditation, sleep
  • Wake up at 7
  • Affirmations every morning
  • No Reddit

The first one is my higher power that will make me recover. So.. yeah let's see what happens. 1 more month until my end of internship. It's time to work super hard. It's time to show everyone that I am different. It's time to be the legend!

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/21/2019 at 7:23 PM, Ikar said:

I do not know the main point of the argument with your dad, but perhaps one day he decides to be approachable. You can stop seeing a friend, you can break up with a girlfriend, you can perhaps even weasel out of a marriage, but your biological family will stay the same and you can not quit it and neither can he.

Do not worry, in time you might find common ground again 🙂

I strongly disagree. It's true that a biological link cannot be severed. No matter how much pain, anguish of anger is involved, you simply can't deny the fact that you are related.

But that does not mean in no way whatsoever that you are obliged to maintain contact. If something is toxic, beyond repair or has a severely bad influence on you, it doesn't matter who that person is to you. Weed out the bad apples. Mental health, self-care and self-respect are incredibly important. For example, my dad is an asshole beyond salvation, an alcoholic, compulsive liar and a thief who stole my life's savings. Sure, he's still my father. But hell will freeze over before I ever look to him for help.

You shouldn't take weeding people out of your life lightly though. But by no means should you just ghost people if they make you feel bad. Look at relationships very closely and with a critical eye. Marie Kondo them! Do they spark joy? Is it a relationship that goes both ways? Symbiotic? Or is it something that only takes energy and doesn't give back? In my opinion, parents are not to be left out of that consideration, just because they share half of your genome.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I strongly disagree. It's true that a biological link cannot be severed. No matter how much pain, anguish of anger is involved, you simply can't deny the fact that you are related.

But that does not mean in no way whatsoever that you are obliged to maintain contact. If something is toxic, beyond repair or has a severely bad influence on you, it doesn't matter who that person is to you. Weed out the bad apples. Mental health, self-care and self-respect are incredibly important. For example, my dad is an asshole beyond salvation, an alcoholic, compulsive liar and a thief who stole my life's savings. Sure, he's still my father. But hell will freeze over before I ever look to him for help.

You shouldn't take weeding people out of your life lightly though. But by no means should you just ghost people if they make you feel bad. Look at relationships very closely and with a critical eye. Marie Kondo them! Do they spark joy? Is it a relationship that goes both ways? Symbiotic? Or is it something that only takes energy and doesn't give back? In my opinion, parents are not to be left out of that consideration, just because they share half of your genome.

I am not sure what do you strongly disagree with in a mainly soothing post I wrote. I wrote that:

1) The responsibility is on Tom's father to communicate in a more constructive manner.

2) It is nice if families manage to stick together, because those 15-20 years of upbringing possibly meant something for both the child and the parent. I guess I camouflaged it by the biological connection.

3) There is hope that 1) happens.

 

As for your post, I agree some people just need to get cut.

My ex cut me off and, interestingly enough, even I think she made the correct decision, even if for the wrong reasons. I think she decided that I do not make her feel happy anymore and today I know that "making somebody happy" is not my responsibility, which allowed me to understand the relationship and finally myself. Sure, it took me longer (at least in the calenday sense) to get the relationship was over, but I think it made me more mature rapidly and radically, so I was ready to cut her off too. Just to quickly introduce her (and me, just change phone for computer), she was having a hard time in high school, addicted to phone, depressed and convinced of her honesty while actually being a liar.

I would be wary with writing someone is "beyond salvation".

First, there might have been people in your life when YOU were an addict that decided to think of you as "beyond salvation" and promptly quit interacting with you.

While not befriending addicts is a sound decision, if literally everyone thought you were "beyond salvation", what makes you think you would not be dead already? Or at least in some sort of a gulag? Why should they treat you equally, if there is no hope for you?

Myself, I believe my ex is not "beyond salvation", since I was a lot like her (that is why we got together) and I managed to pull away from my own addiction that easily consumed most of my waking hours. She might be in a dark place. She might be in a REALLY dark place. But there is hope for her, as there was for me and ultimately everyone.

15 hours ago, JustTom said:

On top of that, I now want to explore life first, before diving into a career. That means seeing new things, exploring opportunities, talking to new people, seeing new cultures. Yes, it includes travel, but it's not travel for travel's sake. I'm being aware of this romanticized fantasy of travel, but the truth is, I want to experience something that doesn't necessarily have a specific desired outcome. That's the exploration part. 

I really like this part. I know you follow my journal, but these are the exact reasons I am in Iceland for the summer. 

Edited by Ikar
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 81 | Work: 21p | Music: 0p | Misc: call

CRUSHED IT! 

Let's fucking GO! The hope for an earlier deadline is miniscule, but I will try my hardest to still make it. Even if I don't, working 60-80 hours per week is required until end of september anyways. But I think I can make it. I believe I can write my entire goddamnit thesis in a month, while still coding, running new experiments and analyzing. I have a goal in mind and I will stop at nothing to achieve it!!! All I need to do is tripple down on daily habits, get up in the morning, go to sleep at 11pm and while working - FOCUS - get into deep work, no shallow procrastination daydreaming bullshit. Just like I crushed it today, I'm going to crush it tomorrow. Get in the flow, stay in the flow. 

Yep - Meditation + sleep before midnight
Yep - Got up early
Yep - Store laptop in the office
Yep - CGAA/call
Yep - Affirmations
Yep - No Reddit

@Ikar @Phoenixking Thanks bros, I might reply later when I find the time hah

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Ikar said:

I am not sure what do you strongly disagree with in a mainly soothing post I wrote. I wrote that:

1) The responsibility is on Tom's father to communicate in a more constructive manner.

2) It is nice if families manage to stick together, because those 15-20 years of upbringing possibly meant something for both the child and the parent. I guess I camouflaged it by the biological connection.

3) There is hope that 1) happens.

I guess I had a bit of an itchy trigger finger there, sorry 😛 

My main thing was that it's not because there's a biological link involved, you're obliged to maintain contact. Sometimes it's healthier for a family to get some space instead of trying to hash it out.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

I guess I had a bit of an itchy trigger finger there, sorry 😛 

My main thing was that it's not because there's a biological link involved, you're obliged to maintain contact. Sometimes it's healthier for a family to get some space instead of trying to hash it out.

No problem! I think I know where are you coming from now. I did not mention what I meant exactly in the first post.

Myself, I would feel stupid for not connecting (or at least trying to) with my child, because it would negate the reason why I decided to have it in the first place. I even think I am partly responsible for being a "disconnected" child myself, but despite that, I believe all those years before were not wasted. I am 22, just so you know 😄

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 82 | Work: 16p | Music: 0p | Misc: social

Midday update: didn't manage to get up at 7,so I technically overslept for 3 hours, but it's not a big deal since last night I didn't sleep much plus I couldn't call asleep for a long time. Anyway, at the office I crushed it for 8 hours. Really good focus, all natural today. Going to a small goodbye bbq, but I'm setting a rule for myself to only drink a single beer and go home after an hour to hustle or two more hours. I'm pretty much done with all implementation, so now it's all about managing experiments, plotting, analyzing and WRITING. Tomorrow I HAVE TO write an entire chapter. Gonna be hard, but I can do it. Going to start with model architecture instead of introduction because I have to split my day in two blocks and four introduction I need a full 8-10 hours to write it like a novel. Technical details are now easily segmented.

Wish me luck to not get drunk. 

Morning the next day update: welp, I got drunk and overslept until 10:30 again lol. 

Edited by JustTom
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 83 | Work: 0p | Music: 0p | Misc: 

Day 84 | Work: 14p | Music: 0p | Misc: CGAA

Day 85 | Work: 18p | Music: 0p | Misc: CGAA

Don't feel like writing right now, so I'll just update stats for consistency. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey man, good going! Day 85! Looks like you're on a roll 🙂

It's been a while, but I actually still get your updates in my email, so I've been checking them once in a while.

How about a new update? Been a week 🙂

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...