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JustTom

JustTom's Journal 3

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Day 49 | Work: 18p | Music: 6p | Misc: 

I GOT UP AND WENT OUT IN THE MORNING WOOO! Two out of 4 days so far! Tomorrow might be too hard with only 6 hours of sleep, but hey, I'm not gonna guilt myself if I don't do it.

Work was unremarkable, couldn't really focus, but when I started doing music after some procrastination - wow. Got into a massive flow, 2 hours literally disappeared and I had to stop myself after realizing it's past midnight. I could continue with the focus of a thousand suns for hours and hours I feel like, but alas.

6 hours ago, Deku said:

Glad to hear you're doing better slowly but steadily. I know you don't feel 100% yet but I definitely believe that you will in the future, as long as you keep focusing on improving just a little bit every day. 

Or you could just get laid. That'll probably help too haha

Yeah. Just gotta get consistent enough with mornings/evenings so that I have that extra time for going out here and there. That would be huge. 

Edited by JustTom
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Day 50 | Work: 16p | Music: 0p | Misc: CGAA + talk

Three out of five successful mornings this week! Getting up willingly is such a trivial task for many, but for me it's absolutely monumental. Almost more difficult than recovering from the addiction itself. A bit of a spoiler for day 51: I did it AGAIN! So 4/6 mornings!

Literally didn't do anything at work though. Maybe the european heatwave, maybe the friday, maybe just my general burnout, maybe because I have nothing to code and should instead write, but I couldn't focus at all. Then had a fantastic talk with my roommate in the evening, worth it. 

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Day 51 | Work: 0p | Music: 3p | Misc: 

Day 52 | Work: 0p | Music: 0p | Misc: CGAA

This heat man. Couldn't do ANYTHING. I felt groggy and tired 24/7, so much so that on both days I fell asleep during the day for 4-5 hours. I was feeling really guilty about it on saturday because once again, I wasn't able to pursue my passion on a day off and that makes me really sad. That made sunday even worse. I even started having cravings in the evening, watched a lot of day9 playing MTG again. He is my de-facto teenage role model and in depressive times, I watch him for comfort, he has a really beautiful soul. The problem is the gaming content which reminds me of the gaming times. I even checked if I could still login to my MTGA account. Fortunately, I gave it to my dad and unlike my mom, I wouldn't be able to persuade him to give it back hahah.

Anyways there is no way I can relapse while my roommate is living with me, but he'll be leaving in a month and I'm afraid what's going to happen then. I feel like it's going to be the perfect shitstorm of psychological excuses: 90 days finished, master thesis written, roommate is away and apart from that one exam at the end of October, I will have no responsibilities. I need that time after graduation for self-care, I need some time to really do what makes me happy and find out what I want to do for the rest of my life. But if I once again fall for the "vacation gaming" trap, I don't know what I would do then. My only hope is to build some habits until then - evening and morning habits are getting there. And then bolster all my routines, double-down on everything that works, double-down on CGAA, start going every day again, call or talk to a person every single day, etc. 

Nevertheless, I slept through most of the weekend, but it's a fresh new week now and I feel pretty good. I have 2 months left for my thesis. I'm starting to get quite anxious about it, especially because I don't think my work is good at all. I also don't understand a lot of theoretical concepts that I definitely should. Huge impostor syndrome for sure. And I really have no idea whether it's justified or not. I'm just burnt out like crazy. I wish I could get a write-off from a doctor like Phoenixking did, but unfortunately, students have no benefits that employees have. It's crazy how it's expected of us to work all the time, even on weekends, holidays don't apply in the slightest(because your deadlines stay the same so holiday=weekend=workday). This really only works if you love what you do. And I hate it, so there's that. The fuck am I doing with my life. If I don't even get the graduation paper at the end of this living nightmare, I will actually go insane.

Five out of seven mornings successful this week. gg

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Hey dont beat yourself up over beeing tired from the heat thats normal for all of us poor european suffering under the wave. I plan a 15-30 min nap every day in the middle of the day i feel it realy helps to not completley crash for to long. There is a reason why people do Siesta in hot countrys.

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Day 53 | Work: 16p | Music: 0p | Misc: Gym

Didn't get almost anything done at work due to some problems with the server(as always), but felt pretty good. Woke up late, hence the low hours, but I worked out after months! Felt really good. Tomorrow is going to be good, I can sense it.

8 hours ago, Functional_Addict said:

Hey dont beat yourself up over beeing tired from the heat thats normal for all of us poor european suffering under the wave. I plan a 15-30 min nap every day in the middle of the day i feel it realy helps to not completley crash for to long. There is a reason why people do Siesta in hot countrys.

Yeah I should have escaped to somewhere with AC. I had the option, I was just super lazy. I am unable to take naps, unfortunately. I always sleep through the whole day. Oh well. Doing what I can, day by day. 

 

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Day 54 | Work: 13p | Music: 3p | Misc: Gym

Couldn't focus again, so I left early to go workout, hoping it would help me and it did, but then my roommate came in and couldn't work anyways ha. I also failed the morning again. It's ok. Tomorrow we're gonna be legends. Get up at 6:40, start working at 8 and just smash it.

Since I started working out again yesterday, I feel more motivation, energy, humor, and also libido. All of them being positive, of course. This confirms that I don't want to give up the gym for those extra weekly hours. The increased energy will make me more productive in the end. Just need to focus tomorrow, launch morning experiments, forget about them, and then just write. Starting with stupid bullet points, then split into sections, then expand to paragraphs. Fucking easy, let's go!

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Day 55 | Work: 14p | Music: 0p | Misc: 2x Doctor

The list of Fuck Yeah:

  • I'm able to focus at work despite not liking it, and get shit done
  • I use my time productively, actively working towards my dreams
  • I exercise. The feeling of muscle soreness gives me pride and I feel more energetic, happy and passionate.
  • I do intermittent fasting every day and I enjoy it.
  • I don't drink sodas, heavily limit sugar and have a good relationship with supplements and other substances.
  • I keep a dream journal where I record my dreams in order to increase recall, every day.
  • I do a few reality checks every day to train my subconscious to question reality in order to be able to lucid dream, like I once was.
  • I have a clear vision of who I want to be and how to get there.
  • I am witty and don't hold back from "inappropriate" humor 
  • I like to push through discomfort, mental barries and fear in order to grow. Every time I feel fear, I do it even if just for the sake of training the brain muscle of willpower.
  • I go to sleep on time and wake up on time(still getting there on this one, but soon!)
  • I have a community of people I can rely on for emotional support in times of need and I keep in touch regurarly. I have a sponsor, an accountability friend and a roommate who will not let me down, and I won't let them down.
  • I always take the next best action. I don't hesitate if it's uncomfortable.
  • I educate myself and listen to wise people as much as I can, but only to the extent of not throttling taking action. I don't get stuck in my head and prioritize doing over ruminating. 80/20 rule.
  • I consume unconscious media less and less. Steadily transitioning from a consumer to a producer.
  • I distinguish between exhaustion and discomfort.
  • I practice self-love. (need more)
  • I know how to push my own buttons to get into state: singing, power poses, jumping, nonsensical jokes/noises.
  • I protect my ears by no longer using earbuds for music and limitting loudness as much as possible.
  • I take good care of my teeth, brushing twice per day and applying toothpick twice per day.
  • I'm extremely creative, practically bursting with creativity.
  • I only think about gaming scarcely. And when I do, the trade off of time, energy and mood for what I could do with that time, energy and mood is not even close to worth it. Gaming just for a weekend? Heck, in those 20 hours I could write an entire song. Playing a full RPG game of ~150 hours? LMAO 

The list of Fuck No:

  • I want to never visit reddit unless for very specific and practical reasons such as DAW or coding solutions. Especially never EVER engage in comments, it's complete cancer.
  • I want to remind myself more of good posture, take a walk and stretch every now and then.
  • DO. NOT. GO. TO. THE. FUCKING. COUCH.
  • I want to call people I care about more often.
  • I want to smile and give genuine attention in conversations - ask questions, doesn't have to be on topic at all, go personal.
  • When in bad mood, I will remind myself to just put on music and sing. Or talk to someone - ask how they are and what they're up to. 

 

I probably forgot a lot, but this is the current state of things. Pretty good if I do say so myself. On a different note, I went to the dentist today and got my tooth repaired so I get to keep it(was a good chance I wouldn't). Failed the morning(the fucking couch again), but I was also able to focus at work and finally start writing. Tomorrow we're gonna be legends.

Edited by JustTom
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Day 56 | Work: 20p | Music: 0p | Misc: 4p other learning

Day 57 | Work: 6p | Music: 0p | Misc: 6p other learning + errands + gym + chores

Gotta push hard this weekend because I found a possibly crucial mistake in my thesis and it has to be resolved + I barely worked on friday due to trying to save my ears from tinnitus. 

On both days I got up at ~7am in the morning and went out! Huge!

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Day 58 | Work: 18p | Music: 0p | Misc: errand + 1p other learning

Oh? Oh? What's that? 9 hours of legitimate work on a Saturday? Fuck yeah. I'm the greatest.

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Day 59 | Work: 6p | Music: 1p | Misc: a long talk

Day 60 | Work: 4p | Music: 6p | Misc: 15p other learning

Chill sunday, worked a bit in the morning, which I'm very proud of, then chilled, had a nap, talked with my roommate, very fascinating stuff. I'd write some profound things here buuuuuut I want to get shit done today. I've procrastinated the whole 8 hours in the office reading about recent Chinese history, hence the 15 pomodoros for other learning lol. I really need to get some things done so today's gonna be a long night with little sleep. I haven't done one of those in weeks. Been sleeping 7+ hours each night, so we'll see what's gonna happen hah. 

Also, TWO MONTHS !! I'm closing in on my all-time record (63). 

Edited by JustTom
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Day 61 | Work: 8p | Music: 0p | Misc: 8p other learning + talk

Day 62 | Work: 8p | Music: 0p | Misc: 8p other learning + CGAA

Still procrastinating on learning about the atrocities of the communist regime. I don't think it's contributing to the quality of my life, but I can't stop myself 😮 I've also been watching the Good Omens mini-series in the evenings, therefore I didn't do any music, but I finished it now so I'm hopping back on the train now. As well as early mornings. Starting tomorrow.

Edited by JustTom

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Day 63 | Work: 6p | Music: 4p | Misc: doctor + CGAA

Looks like I do indeed have pressure in my ears. That's a good thing though, it could have been hearing damage. Well, it could still also be hearing damage, but I'll have a test for that in a month. Apparently my eustachian tube is genetically smaller, therefore more prone to blockage due to inflammation that in my cause is caused by allergy. Nice. Either way, it's not too bad even in this state but I have high hopes for improvement with this treatment. It also makes me optimistic that I can keep using certain supplements, but I'll take a break from them for a month just to be sure. 

I haven't really worked much this week so far lol. Not the end of the world, I'm running experiments so technically I can just supervise that and chill, but it would be nice to start writing the thesis itself too. I only have two months left. Shit, less than that. I only got 7 weeks. Uhh...

Music: I'm switching to Reaper. I've tried FL studio, I tried really hard, but it's absolute hot garbage. Some features it pulls off exceptionally well, but others are a complete disaster, or not even existing. It's nice and fluid, but honestly for anything serious it's a piece of crap. Reaper has improved significantly from the last time I used it and it does look like it's on par with Pro Tools and Cubase at this point. Cubase is the best, but it's also un-piratable and costs 600 euros while Reaper is free so I'm gonna pass on that one. Was setting up today and there's more setting up to do, but not nearly as much as with FL studio because this thing actually works. 

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Day 65 | Work: 0p | Music: 1p | Misc: a looong talk

Connected really deeply with my roommate, we made a yogi tea ceremony after his trip and then just talked for hours. Good stuff. Afternoon was spent mostly procrastinating and napping. The fact that I almost don't feel guilty about it signifies progress to me. Nevertheless, tomorrow I want to really focus and have a music production sunday!

Thanks, @RB1! One day at a time, repeated 65 times.

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Day 66 | Work: 0p | Music: 20p | Misc: Chores

Noice. Both saturday and sunday I woke up on my own at 9, which is pretty amazing. Let's rock this new week, no procrastination, no excuses. Just buckle down and write. I need to finish by october!!! Time is running out let's go.

Edited by JustTom
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Day 67 | Work: 16p | Music: 9p | Misc: 

Another successful morning. The day was mediocre, but in the end I couldn't stop myself from drawing expression curves so I'm going to bed late. 

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Day 68 | Work: 10p | Music: 10p | Misc: Instrument shopping!

Bought myself a midi controller! It's tiny, cheap and most importantly fits into my backpack! I'm vaguely planning some travels after my degree. I really want to do something adventurous after this is all over. I've been day-dreaming of going to Asia for so long, I have to do it. I could take my laptop together with the midi-controller just into my backpack and have a mobile music studio ready wherever I go. 

Anyways, I visited the music shop - oh my god. So beautiful. Super expensive instruments and equipment everywhere, I could even play around with stage lighting. There were a few electronic drum kits so I just HAD TO stay a while and play. Felt so good to play drums again after years. Some of them are relatively cheap too and even though the sounds suck, I could just route it to my PC and use any library. I will definitely buy a kit in the future, when I settle down for a city 😎 

It was a chill day, spent the evening setting up the controller and learning more reaper tricks. I think I have most of the advanced stuff down at this point and there shouldn't be much left to hinder me on the technical side. 

 

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Day 69 | Work: 16p | Music: 8p | Misc: a call

Work is still very unproductive. I just can't get into it, my energy is at its absolute minimum when I'm in the office and all I want to do is go home and learn music. If I don't pick up my productivity this week, I can't make the september deadline - and I need to make it. I'll try my hardest to force myself tomorrow. If I'm not productive by noon, I will take my nootropic and stay until late, even though I really really wanted to take a break from it for a month. 

I ditched the theme I was working on previously because I can't figure out how to make the sound more like the original, also wanted my ears to forget it. So I started with the Mad Max string theme to learn strings orchestration and midi cc control, since the next step in music mastery is to make an original string track focused on harmony. 

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