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Day 29 | Work: 16p | Music: 5p | Misc: CGAA

Today felt pretty average. Which is absolutely batshit insane in a good sense if this is now my average day. Just a month of sobriety and I feel like a completely different person. Not that this phenomenon is a new experience to me, but it amazes me every time. Hopefully this time it's permanent. The project is still looking pretty poor, but I think if I keep working 40-50 hours every week, I will get to to the finish line eventually. And then I'll be free to finally explore life. 

Picked a call from a CGAA fellow. This is important for me, because I define my higher power as connection to people. The more I am connected, the more I'm being pulled towards the light when darkness arrives. I no longer need to power through with sheer willpower, no longer do I need to do this all by myself. All I need to do is to stay connected and trust the process. When I'm faced with my addiction, I lose control. Because my brain is rotten, I become powerless and unable to "just stop", I become powerless to push myself with willpower, because my addiction immediately exhausts it. This is why I am now building a system, a deep emotional structure, that instead PULLS me out of it once I am faced with my addiction, without requiring me to do barely anything. That is the power of true recovery.

Because I have a hard-rule of 11am at the office, I do manage to get up at 10:25 at latest. Today though, I tried to match my roommate's alarm clock at 8am and although I did that, I also waited for him to go out because I felt guilty eating a sweet breakfast(so dumb..), and then I lay on the couch and fell asleep within minutes. Wasted 2 hours sleeping like this. Next time I'll just go out with him. The plan is to do the same thing - stand up, drink water and start doing the morning things without ever laying or even sitting down. Then, just go out as soon as he does. Screw breakfast or any other random shit my brain might make up. 

One day at a time. Patience.

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Day 30 | Work: 0p | Music: 8p | Misc: CGAA

ONE MONTH!!!!!! 🎈🎈🎉🎉🥉🏅🎖🏆

Other than that, a pretty unproductive day. I felt restless, irritated, looking for instant gratification all the time but didn't find it. I also fell asleep on the couch in the middle of the day for about 3-4 hours - I think that messed me up a bit. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment in the morning so when I get back home, I'll just take my nootropic and start hustling! 😄 I realized it's pointless trying to do composing exercises without having the right workflow for FL studio and the big orchestral template, so instead, I started doing another easy soundtrack cover. Already learned a lot of tricks today despite low productivity. Tomorrow I hope to write much more. 

Edited by JustTom
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2 hours ago, JustTom said:

Day 30 | Work: 0p | Music: 8p | Misc: CGAA

ONE MONTH!!!!!! 🎈🎈🎉🎉🥉🏅🎖🏆

Other than that, a pretty unproductive day. I felt restless, irritated, looking for instant gratification all the time but didn't find it. I also fell asleep on the couch in the middle of the day for about 3-4 hours - I think that messed me up a bit. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment in the morning so when I get back home, I'll just take my nootropic and start hustling! 😄 I realized it's pointless trying to do composing exercises without having the right workflow for FL studio and the big orchestral template, so instead, I started doing another easy soundtrack cover. Already learned a lot of tricks today despite low productivity. Tomorrow I hope to write much more. 

Nice job on the month. How do you feel right now vs times when you've relapsed? Remember the feeling and let it bet your light when the darkness of addiction may tempt you. Keep it up. It's what has kept me going for 37 weeks now.

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Day 31 | Work: 0p | Music: 0p | Misc: CGAA + social + chores

Chill day. Instead of music, I did a lot of chores, a dentist appointment and a long talk with my roommate. I'm not really feeling this upcoming week as much as last week, but we'll see. I'll try to get into the zone on monday by doing everything right - today's evening preparation, enough sleep, and not going back to bed after first alarm. 

20 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Nice job on the month. How do you feel right now vs times when you've relapsed? Remember the feeling and let it bet your light when the darkness of addiction may tempt you. Keep it up. It's what has kept me going for 37 weeks now.

You mean the times I actually relapsed at this time, or the times that I was off-games, but relapsed later down the line? For the former at least, EVERYTHING is different. My addiction is really strong and I get into extremely depressive states. I know I can't EVER touch a game again. Or at least a few YEARS. Cravings also strike fast like a lightning and I can go from feeling happy about my day to installing a game to playing it in 1-2 hours. Then it's just a few more minutes until I'm a lifeless husk. 

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17 minutes ago, JustTom said:

get into the zone on monday by doing everything right - today's evening preparation, enough sleep

That's it! @JustTom In the zone all cylinders on fire :337_fire: .. You know what it is ..
 

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Day 32 | Work: 16p | Music: 0p | Misc: doctor

Same old. Focusing on improving sleep schedule slowly but surely, going to bed earlier today. As in, before midnight - which is unheard of for me. 

Edited by JustTom

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Day 33 | Work: 26p | Music: 0p | Misc: CGAA

There is so much work to be done on this thesis that I'd need another 5 months to actually make something good. The question is: can I make something passable in THREE months? Answer: if I keep working like these last two weeks then probably yes. Today I worked for 13 hours, not bad

I once again fell asleep on the couch in the morning for another 90 minutes for no reason. Next morning, next attempt. I'll call a fellow in the morning. This morning pattern in my brain is incredibly strong and I need help. Calling parents doesn't cut it, and my roommate decided to start waking up at 7. Maybe I'll adjust to him next week, but can't do it this week, so I'll try to call someone from CGAA.

22 hours ago, goodvibes said:

Oxidative stress is reduced on many fronts, sleep is one of them

That's actually quite motivating to me. The threat of brain damage and shortened lifespan. I went to sleep at 1am instead of midnight, but it's a huge improvement. I'm working until late today so I'll go to bed late, but I make sure to get 7 hours every night. 

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Day 34 | Work: 19p | Music: 0p | Misc: doctor

I ACTUALLY GOT A DECENT RESULT IN MY GODDAMN RESEARCH!!! Of course it was a dumb fucking mistake that was needlessly making my experiments 3-4x slower AND converging at about 8% higher absolute error. I finally have a baseline that I can work with without being ashamed of myself. Great. Now to beat it somehow. 

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Going to the dentist now(again). I'll have some time left in the evening, but I'll probably just chill and go to bed. If I push out a few more pomodoros, I'll gladly update.

Edited by JustTom

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Day 36 | Work: 16p | Music: 0p | Misc: talks

Despite sleeping for 9 hours, I was completely groggy in the morning, barely got up to go to my job on time. While I was biking, a huge rain also started so that was fun. Worked for 8 hours and now I'm going home. Research is progressing so that's fine. I'd like to work a bit during the weekend as well, but if I won't feel like it, I won't do it. No cravings or dangerous patterns, but I did have a dream last night that I played cyberpunk2077. It was literally first-person, like I was a character in the game. It was the second gaming dream this week, so strange. 

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Day 37 & 38

I got sick on friday, probably because of having to bike in cold rain while my immunity is weaker during allergy season. So I spent the weekend sick, feeling like absolute crap, slight fever, did maybe 5 pomodoros of music and coocked food. That's literally all I've been able to do. It makes me really sad that I wasn't able to enjoy almost any music making during the entire last week, but I have to be patient. At least my thesis project is progressing. If all goes well, I might graduate this year, that gives me hope. 

Patience.

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Day 39 | Work: 16p | Music: 1p | Misc: CGAA + talks

Still sick, but somehow I managed to work for 8 hours. One hour at a time. Again, because I spend the evenings doing chores, procrastinating a bit and talking to my roommate, there isn't any time left for music again. But, I'm going to bed early for once, so that's nice. I want to match his early morning schedule. Not because I think it's better, but because I haven't been able to get up on my own without a threat of getting fired for years. I think this might be a rare chance at getting the habit sorted. Going to bed at 1, and then tomorrow midnight, which should be enough sleep to get up at 7.

Anyways. I've been having a pretty boring life this month to be honest. I guess there was the wedding, but other than that I'm not meeting any people, not working out, not doing anything exciting. Just going to work, coming home and trying to learn a hobby, but not quite managing to do so because of sickness. And watching the entire season 3 of stranger things last week, of course. That was a big reason too 😄

Patience.

Edited by JustTom
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Day 40 | Work: 16p | Music: 2p | Misc: 

Taking it a bit more chill at work because of the sickness, but I'm quite proud of myself that I'm able to keep up despite of it. I've relapsed many times around days 40-45 and I'm starting to see some patterns emerge. Maybe it's because of the extra anxiety and just general unwellness, but I've been checking the cyberpunk2077 subreddit ~2 times per day. I've also watched quite a long chunk of day9 playing MTG on youtube when I was feeling really horrible on sunday evening and I couldn't think of anything else to watch. I watched about 20 more minutes of it today during dinner before my roommate got home lol. I don't feel any cravings, but I know that my addict can be very sneaky and this is his way of avoiding my conscious barriers to start the triggers going. So despite forgetting about gaming more and more as the days go by, I've been now reminded of them. I've seen the visuals, heard the sounds, seen the gameplay, seen the personalities. I need to cut it out and get back on the forgetting process. This is a chapter of the past in my life, there is no longer space for it. I am no longer a person who watches gaming videos during lunch. I will be putting on Alex Moukala again, even though it's not very exciting at times. Or JunkieXL's studio time series. Those are pretty damn exciting all the time actually. 

Going to sleep at 0:30 and shooting for getting up at 7:30. I need to do this, start building up those habits. The structure and connection to people is the thing that will hold me back from relapsing when willpower gets exhausted. I'm still vulnerable because my habits are shit, so wish me luck tomorrow morning 🤞

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It's good that you're looking for these patterns man. Nip them in the butt! 

When I get an urge to do something that goes against my goals, the most effective strategy for me has been to.. wait. Really? Yes, for me, I say to myself sure you'll eat dessert.. in a couple of hours. Appease the addict, in a way, but weather the storm for some time. Thankfully the cravings go away usually in 30 minutes as long as I do something actively. 

Just thought to share a little strategy in case you need it at this time period. Good luck! Wait I don't believe in luck. Be vigilant!

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