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Day 3 | Focus: 70% | Pomodoros: a bunch + CGAA

Another nice day. Slept for 12 hours, but this time it was needed because last night I only slept 4.5 after being awake for 24. Missed the sunday gym opening hours, but other than that, I was making music, engaging in the CGAA community and talking to some buddies of mine. My friend will be moving in tomorrow already so that's going to be fun. A new experience for sure. Will help me through recovery. It has to. 

This time around, I'm taking the detox much more seriously though. I not only don't watch any gaming videos, but I also limit youtube and reddit very heavily. I locked them both behind a password and uninstalled the apps on my phone. In this way, I can still use them if I need them, but I stop for a second before alt-tabbing and decide whether I'm just procrastinating or not. My usage has gone down significantly. This trick is just one of many helpers. It's my commitment to change my lifestyle that lowered my meaningless internet usage. Feels good.

I still use videos to chill out a little bit, but I feel like in a healthy way - specifically, I put on videos from Alex Moukala, my favorite youtube channel for orchestral music production and composition. He makes really really high-value tutorials as well as "track from scratch" videos where he streams the entire process from the first note to last including mixing and mastering. It's mind-blowing stuff. 

TRIGGER WARNING! If the words "heroes of might and magic 3" mean a lot to you, don't click this spoiler.

 
 
 
 
 
3
Spoiler

While immersing myself in my passion of music, I checked out what's new with my idol composer - Paul Romero. Apparently, 3 months ago, there was a massive 20th anniversary full orchestra concert of HoMM3 soundtracks, adapted for live performance and expanded by Paul. And despite him being an American, it was in Warszaw, probably because of the huge legacy following the game has in eastern europe. I only listened to the first 2 pieces because I wanted to continue producing, but I already had such strong goosebumps during the second piece!

Warszaw is a 1-hour flight away. If I didn't game in the past 5 months like a maniac, I would have noticed it in time, like I did today, and went 100% I am very sad, this really breaks my heart.

 

Plan for tomorrow:

  • Wake up at 9 -> call with a fellow
  • Go to the gym (if it's not closed on a holiday)
  • AI Thehme reproduction
    • Finish velocity and expression tweaking
    • some light EQ, compression and we're done!
  • CGAA meeting
  • Friend moves in
  • Journal & Plan the day after

 

Edited by JustTom
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Day 4 | Focus: 50% | Pomodoros: a bunch + CGAA

ANOTHER nice day. What a time to be alive. I've managed to stay off games as well as heavily limit mindless internet browsing. Starting from evening today, I have a roomie, who's also a good friend of mine, doesn't game, knows personal development and has an open mind. I think this will be huge. It's certainly a change in lifestyle. I have to stay off games, I just have to. If I game, I die. And there are no exceptions. No "artistic" games. Any contact with gaming will make my brain snap and go insane. For me, games are poison and I will do everything it takes to stay away. Being connected with the community and friends is the most important factor. 

I stumbled upon a trailer of a game I've been "looking forward to" for months. It's coming out only next year, so it's not like I can relapse on it, but I still choose not to watch it. I want to forget about it, eventually I will. Right as I had the video open but paused at 0 seconds, I messaged the fellowship and my sponsor, instead of watching it. That action alone made my cravings decrease significantly. I am very proud of this behavior. I'm also very proud of myself that I managed to stay true to my commitment for these 4 days. 

Tomorrow I will know what's up with my career. Gonna be interesting. I'm not even sure which results I want myself so I guess either way is good for me. As long as I stay off games. 

Also, here's the track I practiced the very basics on, after years of essentially not touching it(0 mixing involved so the sound is imbalanced): 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/e1mlg12e531x1w2/Mixdown.wav?dl=0

Edited by JustTom
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Day 5 | Focus: 60% | Pomodoros: a bunch + CGAA + Gym

My thesis internship continues. I've been given one last chance, under the condition that if I miss a single day of work, I'm done. I think I needed this kind of a condition before. This means I have to stay clean for 4-6 months. A single relapse means I lose the job. Nevertheless, I'm taking it day by day. Slowly making my way through recovery. If I relapse tomorrow, so be it. But today, I will stay off games. 

Hit the gym as well and finished the day with orchestrating percussions. I love putting down every single note. When this exercise is finished, I'll post it here again. I still haven't watched the game trailer and at this point, I don't even feel like watching it, but again, taking it day by day.

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Day 6 | Focus: 75% | Pomodoros: 17 + CGAA

Quite a productive day, I'm slowly getting back into my stride. Besides gaming, there is also depression that sometimes creeps up on me and I was reminded of that today when I woke up - I didn't feel good at all, but in the end I picked myself up and went outside, just about an hour later. I have to remember to just take it day by day, hour by hour, and that if I don't game, I will recover my mental strength over the longterm. Today, I don't even feel the need to watch the trailer or check out the recent gaming news, so the principle of one day at a time has been successful. Always ask myself "Can I hold on until the next meeting? Can I hold on for these 5, 8, x, y hours? Yeah, sure I can." The present is all I have and that's what I'm laser focusing on. 

Edited by JustTom
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Day 7 | Focus: 75% | Pomodoros: 11 + CGAA + social

I was going to write on the topic of patience, my hyper-productivity-into-a-crash relapse pattern and how I'm going to deal with it in the upcoming weeks, but I'm too tired right now. Just putting it here to maybe write about some other day.

Been talking to my roomie instead of making music tonight. Which is okay, I value those activities about equal. Anyways...

1 week in, fuck yeah!

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Just want to share with you that I have had to deal with morning depression too and the mistake I did was counting on it feelings. If I'm feeling bad, something is wrong with me, and then I'd linger in that state of mind which was not the right approach. The right approach is what you said, we accept we have bad feelings but we make a choice to do some activity. It can actually change our feelings, whereas just staying static has zero chance to do that.

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Day 8 | Focus: 75% | Pomodoros: 16 + CGAA + Gym + Chores

Awesome day, I set my alarm clock the same as my roomie, which made it easy to get up and go. The plan was to do music in the evening, but after doing laundry and coming to say hi for an hour to some of my neighbours, I got really exhausted. Should have went to bed immediately, but instead I procrastinated for more than 2 hours from going to bed but instead of watching youtube or reddit, I re-watched one of my favorite movies, which is a huge difference in my mental patterns. I'm going to pat myself on the back for that one. I'm also pat myself on the back for completing an entire week! I can't exactly say I'm working hard at my job just yet, but I'm sure as hell working hard at my recovery. And that's the most important thing in the world right now. 

19 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Just want to share with you that I have had to deal with morning depression too and the mistake I did was counting on it feelings. If I'm feeling bad, something is wrong with me, and then I'd linger in that state of mind which was not the right approach. The right approach is what you said, we accept we have bad feelings but we make a choice to do some activity. It can actually change our feelings, whereas just staying static has zero chance to do that.

But that's exactly the hard part. 

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Day 9 | Focus: 85% | Pomodoros: 23 + CGAA

Woke up with bad allergy, but because my rommate was going out to study, I also left the house with him. Procrastinated a bit in the office at start, but after the first few hours, I got into such sick flow that I could not stop myself from producing. It's now 4am in the night and I'm leaving the office, still excited and barely even tired lol. 

My sponsor gave me homework to write out my thoughts about step 1, maybe I'll do it tomorrow cause I REALLY need to go to bed ASAP.

Edited by JustTom
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Day 10 | Focus: 85% | Pomodoros: 22 + CGAA

Crushed it. The track is finished -> will upload and post probably tomorrow. 

Edited by JustTom
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Day 11 | Focus: 85% | Pomodoros: 16 + CGAA

I might do a few extra pomodoros of music after work, in which case I'll update tomorrow. I'm trying hard, doing the best I can at my internship, but if results don't come soon, I don't think this is going to work out despite me being off games. I honestly think I don't have enough data and computational resources at this point. Anyways, on a nicer note, here's the track I've been working on! It's based on a percussion tutorial and I learned a TON I didn't know. I think I can write and produce percussion on a professional composer level(if I got my mixing skills up a notch):

 

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