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JustTom

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21 hours ago, JustTom said:

Yeah I'm... completely unable to function. It's been like this on and off for a few months. I really need help.

It's a véry healthy thing to be able to see that, let alone admit that to somebody else. Give yourself a tap on the shoulder for that 🙂

The next step is figuring out what things you could to do improve the situation. Dare to look in the mirror and ask yourself what you need or want and then the next step is figuring out how you'll arrange that.

Bit by bit, bro. Slow and steady.

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Day 4 | Pomodoros: 16

For 3 days, I've quite literally spent sleeping and laying on the couch watching youtube and re-runs of rick and morty. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. I don't feel particularly bad in my body, it's more like I have absolutely 0 will to do anything. Like even standing up, walking 3 steps to drink some water seems like an insurmountable task. Any movement or effort at all, no matter how miniscule, feels like... just not worth it. Like, I know drinking water or standing up or tidying up would make me feel better, but I just don't do it. It's like both my discipline and willpower have dropped to the absolute zero and I'd rather die than move.

But I FINALLY managed to revert my sleep schedule. On day 4, I repeated the same pattern of being in a vegetative state, but because I 'woke up' at 10pm, it is possible for me to stay up during the night as well as day 5 and go to bed in the evening, like a normal person. Somehow I managed to gather up enough willpower to take a shower, put on clothes and leave my dadrk room. I'm in the office at night now and I'm already feeling much better. I'm taking a few hours to hang out in the forums, read a bit, then attend the CGAA meeting and then get to work. 

Cravings are there, but not too bad. I'm quite confident I won't game this weekend. I don't even have anything to play, since I gave away all my multi-player accounts and there are no more single-player games I'm interested in right now. I will also talk with my potential sponsor soon, so I'm really looking forward to that. 

Attended another online CGAA meeting at night and I'm feeling very hopeful that I can keep the detox going this time. I will be attending the meetings every day that I can make the time. I think it's helpful to talk and share real-time. 

 

******************************************************************

22 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

It's a véry healthy thing to be able to see that, let alone admit that to somebody else. Give yourself a tap on the shoulder for that 🙂

The next step is figuring out what things you could to do improve the situation. Dare to look in the mirror and ask yourself what you need or want and then the next step is figuring out how you'll arrange that.

Bit by bit, bro. Slow and steady.

Thanks for the support friend, I really appreciate it! If I take the no-bullshit approach here, the best course of action would be to change my environment radically. Either go to a meditation retreat for a couple of weeks, or move out and live with a roomie. The problem is that the former requires me to quit my master thesis(which I could go back into later but it would be a lot of lost time) and the latter - well, I don't know how to pull off. I have a binding contract until december at my current apartment and I don't even know anybody who would like to share a room. Unless I'd go back to my home country and live with a buddy of mine, but that means quitting/pausing the degree as well. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo the third best plan is to... just get as much help from other people as possible and try harder with the same basic strategy. So I'm looking for accountability buddies/sponsors/coaches and getting on the detox again, hoping that my depression states become less frequent or go away altogether after a while.

It's really demotivating seeing that I've gotten WORSE since I started trying to quit about a year ago, but hey. What can you do. Life is hard. 😄

Edited by JustTom
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Day 5 | Pomodoros: 16

I pushed for 25 hours awake to revert my self-caused jetlag. God bless modafinil. And no, I don't think this is healthy haha. Did 16 hours of work, so I split up the journal entry to two days. I'm ready for some serious sleep now, but more importantly, I feel very happy that I pushed myself and I feel very confident that I will actually be productive this weekend. 

Edited by JustTom

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Day 6 | Pomodoros: 0 + Gym + Social

Went to the gym after an eternity! Felt really good, but because I didn't eat breakfast, the last 15 minutes got pretty weak. Then I got home and my energy CRASHED. I felt sick in the stomach so I couldn't even eat in the afternoon, then after I did I just fell asleep, woke up at 18 to have the first call with my sponsor, which was fantastic. Then I went to a small house-warming party to hang out with classmates a bit after a good while too. 

I will definitely complete the detox this time. 

****************************************************************************

@Phoenixking@BooksandTrees CGAA is computer gaming addicts anonymous. It mirrors the traditional alcoholics anonymous society. The meetings are helpful. People join a voice chat room and share whatever they want to share with regards to the addiction. There is always a topic for inspiration and you don't have to speak if you don't want to. It's interesting that it is not meant to be a place for advice, but a place for empathy and support. You can really feel that. But the biggest value for me is sponsorship. There are many things in AA I don't really understand or disagree with right now, but I'm staying open-minded because there's more to it. It has a very different feel to it than modern personal development, which I consider GameQuitters to be a part of. I do recommend it especially for hardcase addicts like me haha. 

 

Edited by JustTom
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CGAA sounds very interesting. I didn't know it even existed. The only thing I wish is that it would be in person, but I'm guessing there aren't enough people for that... too few realize that they're addicted or that it's harming their lives.

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Day 5 | Focus: 35% | Pomodoros: 18 + CGAA

OH THANK GOD. I finally found the source of a mysterious bug that has been holding my thesis project prisoner. I won't even say how long it took me, I'll just say that it's not worth measuring in hours. I can't even count that high. 

Why did the counter jump from 6 to 5? Because on day 0, I got rid of overwatch and committed to the detox again, BUT I kept a short single-player game that I wanted to finish for easy closure, so I did that in the first two days, ~4 hours each. Now that I'm feeling very confident about this detox run, I want it to be clean. It still doesn't include videos, but I have to take it one step at a time.

I'm still baffled and proud at the same time of not gaming during a weekend for the first time in 2019! Let's gooooo..!

@karabas Yep that's exactly why. There are sometimes in-person meetings for US east and west coast, but not much in my city. As a citizen of the EU, I feel like a 2nd-class citizen of the world, which is pretty solid, but I still get jealous of all the opportunities in the US. The more I learn, especially about finance, the more privilege that I don't have I see. Anyways, more awareness about gaming addiction is desperately needed.

Edited by JustTom

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Day 6 | Focus: 35% | Pomodoros: 14 + CGAA

Overslept. Finally managed to gather the will to get out of bed at about 15, but I didn't get myself down, ignored the guilt, messaged my supervisor that I overslept and went to the office. Focus was weak, but I made progress with my project again. Maybe there is a glimmer of hope after all.  I was also quite anxious the whole day. I find myself alt-tabbing to the GameQuitters forum, even checking the StopGaming discord channel for discussions, checking reddit, a lot of anxious procrastination. But, cravings are still at a minimum and I don't feel otherwise depressed. I think I'll crush it tomorrow.

 

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Day 7 | Focus: 35% | Pomodoros: 12 + Chores

A bunch of unlucky events happened simultaneously - my bike got stolen the day that public transport was disabled, so I slept in the office last night, but only got ~3 hours of sleep. Then I had to take a taxi to a store to buy a new bike, where I had to wait for over an hour, feeling sleep deprived and sick. When I got home, I did a bunch of chores and planned to go to the gym, but was so tired I just fell asleep, which was a good thing.

I listened to this Joe Rogan podcast with a sleep expert and realized how much I've been neglecting my sleep. While gaming, of course, but also during productive periods. It made me realize how crucially important it is to never sleep fewer than 7 hours. 6 hours even in just 1 night is already considered sleep deprivation and leads to a weaker immune system, attention and general functioning. 

But my usage of sleep is much worse than that. Almost EVERY WEEK for the past ~9 years of my life, I've had at least one night of less 3-4.5 hours of sleep. And on top of that, lately I've been doing this jetlag reversal by staying up for more than 24 hours every month. I believe I'm doing permanent damage to my brain and if I don't start sleeping for 7 hours every night consistently, I can be expecting relatively early neural diseases such as alzheimer's, as well as impaired daily attention, creativity, mood and even intelligence. 

I knew about this before, but never really did much about it, always said "meh, whatever I need to push myself". No, you idiot. You need to sleep or else you will be literally retarded. 

Edited by JustTom

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Day 8 | Focus: 40% | Pomodoros: 16

Day 9 | Focus: NA | Pomodoros: 0 + CGAA + Chores

I've been feeling really tired in the past few days. It's possibly a sickness catching on combined with long-term lack of sleep. Therefore, I've been sleeping a lot. Thursday was a holiday so I just chilled and did nothing. Going to the meetings, keeping in touch with my sponsor and talking to another person, is making me very confident I will succeed at this detox. I think I'm also experiencing withdrawal symptoms, where my brain is looking for that easy dopamine and not really getting it, hence the youtube binging. I hope I will be able to improve on this over time, but I'm not focusing on it. The priority right now is to not game and take care of myself. My dreams and aspirations will have to wait until I'm physically and mentally recovered. 

However, I will step up the detox and quit watching gaming videos. I've got plenty of non-gaming stuff to switch my mind off to, so I should be fine on that front. 

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Hey man, it's been a few days. What's been going on?

On 5/29/2019 at 10:08 AM, JustTom said:

my bike got stolen the day that public transport was disabled

Oh shoot man, I'm sorry to hear that. And on a day like that too!

On 5/29/2019 at 10:08 AM, JustTom said:

listened to this Joe Rogan podcast with a sleep expert and realized how much I've been neglecting my sleep

I think this is a huge factor in why so many of the folks here (including myself) relapse. Poor sleep, especially habitually, can really screw you up. Glad that you're doing something about it.

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On 6/3/2019 at 6:40 PM, karabas said:

Hey man, it's been a few days. What's been going on?

Oh shoot man, I'm sorry to hear that. And on a day like that too!

I think this is a huge factor in why so many of the folks here (including myself) relapse. Poor sleep, especially habitually, can really screw you up. Glad that you're doing something about it.

I relapsed again >{ 

I'm starting to think I'm a lost cause. Not just that I will drop out, but that I will never even be able to break out of my addiction. In the last year and a half, it's been getting worse and worse, with each relapse lasting longer and being more isolating than the previous. My bag of tricks is empty, I don't know how else to improve my strategy and just trying again over and over seems to be an endless cycle for me. 

I binged-played a game so much that I got sick of it after a few days, so now I'm having a tiny point of clarity which is why I'm on this forum. Writing anything at all. 

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5 hours ago, JustTom said:

I relapsed again >{ 

I'm starting to think I'm a lost cause. Not just that I will drop out, but that I will never even be able to break out of my addiction. In the last year and a half, it's been getting worse and worse, with each relapse lasting longer and being more isolating than the previous. My bag of tricks is empty, I don't know how else to improve my strategy and just trying again over and over seems to be an endless cycle for me. 

I binged-played a game so much that I got sick of it after a few days, so now I'm having a tiny point of clarity which is why I'm on this forum. Writing anything at all. 

Oh man, I'm sorry to hear that 😞

Have you thought of doing something more radical? Like getting rid of your computer entirely, or taking some time off from uni to go do things you're passionate about? Cam has that whole retreat thing now also. Or getting a roommate who's understanding of your problem and would be willing to help. I don't know if I could've done as well with my detox if I wasn't married...

I have a feeling that you're struggling because you're really not enjoying your day-to-day. Gaming is a good means of escaping that...

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Hi Tom,

There is no reasonable way that you're a lost cause. You just went 9 days without gaming and realize you have a problem. Just consider how many people like you don't realize they have a problem and will die an addicted gamer (*not saying all gamers are addicts, just the truly addicted ones*). You're already doing way better than those people. Seriously, be proud of yourself for that.

My mother was an alcoholic, but I guess technically still is, but we don't test that anymore. When I was growing up and witnessed the worst of it, I saw 5 years of consistent streaks and relapses. It was a really dark time. She went to rehab several times, the first time over Christmas. I was 9, and that sucked. On top of that, she was incredibly emotionally abusive when she was drunk, but a decent person sober, so I was always constantly on edge about what I was coming home to every day.

She hasn't drank in 15 years now. Go mom.

She is a completely different person now. She is a far happier, non-abusive, enjoyable person to be around. I asked her about what the turning point was recently, and she said it came with forgiveness of herself and others,  and taking responsibility for her actions. And she had a truly messed up childhood, and that's just from the parts that she would tell me, and I know I haven't heard all of it.

Don't give up on yourself. You are not going to beat this in a day. We've already confirmed that. It's going to take lots of streaks, and potentially lots of relapses. The withdrawals and depression do suck, but that's your brain telling you to do something to fix your scenario. It's hard, and sometimes it's hard to see that when you're in the middle of that scenario. Giving up your escapism and deciding to confront reality on a consistent basis can be terrifying if you've been avoiding it for years. You need to train to accept reality and not hide. This is your training. 

You got this, Tom.

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Never give up. It's a mindset and it's also the truth about life. Animals don't give up when they try to fly for the first time, or jump from the first time. They have no ego, no fear of failure. There's nothing to lose by trying again, quite the opposite. But you'll try smarter.

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Make or Break | Day 0

This is it. After another 1-week gaming binge, I got an e-mail from my uni supervisor that said essentially that they think the thesis project is over. Understandably so. I've been given way too many chances and every time I relapsed after a week or two and didn't show up for a few days. As I was saying before, I was expecting to be fired 2 months ago. Now, even though it's crazy, I think they are still willing to give me one last chance. 

I read the e-mail right after I spoke with my sponsor and decided to detox for the millionth time. This finally put me back to earth, so I did a lot of thinking and planning. Called my parents to get their opinion, really out of respect more than anything, but it was useful. The solution I arrived to is... a radical one. I think I've tried the optimal path for normal people more than enough times and my dad agrees that if I was able to solve this by myself, I would have done it by now. It's time for big guns, it's time to do absolutely everything it takes to get over my addiction and depression.

In short, the plan is to get a roommate, at all costs. I am unable to function by myself, however, being with someone in the same room has some magic social effect on me that I don't feel cravings, neither do I go into depression or escapism. Hell, I don't even feel like watching youtube or browsing reddit. This solves the one and only problem: suddenly relapsing while I'm alone at home. I've been using a multitude of tricks such as storing my laptop somewhere outside of home overnight, betting money to get out of the house in the morning and others. All of them help, but all of them, in the end, have a gap that my sick brain finds and exploits to get its fix. Having a roommate means my lonely dark room will stop existing. Or at least, it will never last too long.

Now, it's quite difficult for me to implement, because I have a binding contract to my solo-apartment and there is no legal way I can sublet it or replace myself with another tenant or any of that sort. Therefore, the only way is to get somebody to live with me here. That's also technically not allowed, but having a friend stay over IS allowed and because this will obviously be free for the friend, that's how I'm treating it. I will do anything it takes to make this happen. Where there's a will there's a way. I have a few candidates, but it's possible that I won't find anyone. If I don't, I will pause my degree and go back to my home country, to either live with a buddy there or stay at my dad's place. If I do find a roommate, I will ask for another chance and an unpaid extension in my internship. If they decline then I'll start looking for another project. Nevertheless, what I actually do is only secondary to my primary objective: cure myself of the addiction and occasional depression, set my sleep routine in order, establish a morning ritual including affirmations and live intentionally. I could literally be a billionaire, date Jessica Alba and have the movie version of the wolf of wallstreet as my best friend, and I would still be miserable if I don't fix these problems. 

I will talk with my supervisors on tuesday because of the weekend and another state holiday on monday, so I have until that time to find somebody so that I can sell my strategy. 

Some older, but proven things that I will be doing: stickk commitments for getting out of the house, storing the laptop overnight, blocking youtube, reddit and twitch, going to the CGAA meeting EVERY DAY for at least 1 month, checking in with my sponsor every day with a message at 9pm, a quick check-up chat with my sponsor on friday, saturday and sunday, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's about it for now. Maybe I forgot something. I have a lot of tricks. 

*************************************************************************************************************************

Buckle up boys and girls because there is a massive rant incoming. Though not a melancholic one. 

I gotta say, when I read that e-mail that basically read "You're fired." in my head, it spiked my stress VERY nicely, I've missed that feeling to be honest haha. This might sound pretentious, but I've always thought of myself as an unbelievable fighter that has been put into too soft of an environment. Like an absolute legendary hero that has no adventures to go on, thus he gets depressed because of his meaninglessness. Whenever I get a real challenge, a serious obstacle, or a threat that is in my face, close, visible and threatening, my instinct is not to go into isolation and escapism. My instinct is to transfmorph fear into excitement. My first reaction is always "FUCK NO, I will defeat this monster, NAY - I will smash it so hard it becomes my bitch and does my laundry for a year". My instinct is never to flight, but to fight. 

Here I will give three examples of this:

  1. We were hiking some of the highest mountains in my home country. When we were close to the summit(the highest point), it became apparent that it's going to rain pretty badly. Unfortunately, the way back was much longer and more difficult than the way forward. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard cock. The unluckiest thing happened. It started not only started raining just as we got to the summit, it started absolutely pouring down. And I mean it was one of the most intense storms I've seen. Lightning strikes all around, visibility beyond 1 meter non-existent, the rocks became more slippery than a used fleshlight and the only way to go forward was through a goddamn gendarme. So a very sharp upward facing triangle shape of about 10 meters length, where pretty much the only way to pass is to hang onto the top and go sideways, with the feet pushed towards the mountain and your butt enjoying an overview of a multiple-kilometer fall down. There were also ropes to use while moving sideways on the mountain. In general a dangerous, but fun passage. However, the danger part gets amped up to extreme during a storm. Obviously, we should have backed up hours ago, but it was too late. The way back was pretty much the same danger, but longer. The risk of death was staring us right into the face. One slip up on the wet rocks during the maneuver and you're 100% dead or disabled for life. There was about 10 of us and we legit thought someone is going to get unlucky and fall down for sure. We thought about waiting out the storm, but with the lightning strikes, that also didn't look very promising. If we passed that passage, the way down would be quite quick, so we went for it. Some of my friends were visibly scared, some were making jokes to alleviate the situation(including me) and some were keeping a cool face. The crazy thing is, I was barely even scared. Or rather, I was scared, but I turned my fear into excitement. I was SO hyped for this challenge! Take me on, mountain! Let's fucking go! It was one of the most fun experiences I've had. The ending of this story is not the point, but for the sake of closure, we all made it through fine. One of our friends did slip up and just barely held on, but he survived to cause me a knee injury a few months later, so hey. Unlucky for me. 
  2. This is not a story, but in all video games I've played, I've always picked the most mechanically challenging character. Getting higher in rank wasn't as important to me as getting higher in rank with something that is hard and other people admire. It's like my inner personality always seeks a difficult challenge and doesn't even want an easy win. The latest game I relapsed on was Mordhau, which is a 1st person medieval fighter game. Except for Chivalry before, I've never played fighter games and that thing is hardcore let me tell you. You get slapped 24/7, playing duels and winning at most 1 in 20 of them. The ONLY way to improve is to get buttfucked by players 100x better over and over until you finally get a hit in. Maybe you deflect a funky attack, pull off a combo and deal some damage, but still get murdered. Only after hundreds of lost duels, you start winning some. Same with other games, always playing the hardest character getting murdered by worse players than me, because they're playing something easy.
  3. During the very first block of my programme, we had by far the most difficult and math-heavy course in the entire programme. It was there at the beginning to sift out the losers, as well as give a solid foundation, and maybe even make sure the students are strong enough to go through the rest. For the first month, I worked SO hard. I worked the hardest in my life, 60+ hours of study per week, excluding food breaks, I mean I was going at it. I was convinced that this course is the make or break point and I was right. After the midterm was graded, I looked at my result - it was 3/10. This was absolutely devastating to me. I worked SO hard and I thought I did my absolute best on that midterm. I wasn't expecting a 10, or a 9, not even an 8, because my math background was weak before this study, but still, I thought I crushed it within my abilities. A 3 was like a slap to the face. I started freaking out, almost started crying in the main hall. I sat down, cleared my mind, put on music, closed my eyes and just started meditating to calm myself down. I was sitting on a couch in the middle of our campus like a goddamn buddha. Good thing I didn't start levitating. After about 15 minutes, I stood up and felt such an unbelievable determination to overcome this result against all odds by getting enough top grades to average above 5.5 at the end of the block that I went straight into one of the study rooms and just started ripping through the math book. I was gobbling up that nawledge like it was Hariot Ainsley's last meal. I had this burning rage in my eyes that I would work 18 hours per day until I got all 10's in every single remaining test. A few hours later, it was revealed that some of the grades got bugged out in the system and my real grade was 7.3 and not 3. That was such a huge relief! I then went back to just slightly intense studying.

There are more examples of course, but I'm not writing a book here. Yet. 

My point is that I'm a person who thrives in the face of a big and scary challenge. Perhaps it's specifically a NEGATIVE type of motivation that I've always lacked. Maybe it's naive or pretentious to think so, but it's possible that if I wasn't raised by a white middle-class European family, but rather somewhere in a ghetto, I would have led a happier and even a more successful life. I remember from a very young age, I secretly wished my parents would be a bit harsher/strict to me. I remember even in elementary school that I thought that shit was way too easy. I felt no pressure -> I couldn't thrive. Passed with average grades, no motivation, moved on.  Same in high-school. The teachers should have let me fail the finals. Not only would have I deserved that, but it would have helped me wake the fuck up. 

*************************************************************************************************************************

On 6/6/2019 at 12:52 PM, karabas said:

Oh man, I'm sorry to hear that 😞

Have you thought of doing something more radical? Like getting rid of your computer entirely, or taking some time off from uni to go do things you're passionate about? Cam has that whole retreat thing now also. Or getting a roommate who's understanding of your problem and would be willing to help. I don't know if I could've done as well with my detox if I wasn't married...

I have a feeling that you're struggling because you're really not enjoying your day-to-day. Gaming is a good means of escaping that...

Well, there it is! I'm going to do everything possible to live with a roommate. It's time for radical solutions only. There are many obstacles here for me, but I'll get it done no matter what.

15 hours ago, DaBest said:

Hi Tom,

There is no reasonable way that you're a lost cause. You just went 9 days without gaming and realize you have a problem. Just consider how many people like you don't realize they have a problem and will die an addicted gamer (*not saying all gamers are addicts, just the truly addicted ones*). You're already doing way better than those people. Seriously, be proud of yourself for that.

My mother was an alcoholic, but I guess technically still is, but we don't test that anymore. When I was growing up and witnessed the worst of it, I saw 5 years of consistent streaks and relapses. It was a really dark time. She went to rehab several times, the first time over Christmas. I was 9, and that sucked. On top of that, she was incredibly emotionally abusive when she was drunk, but a decent person sober, so I was always constantly on edge about what I was coming home to every day.

She hasn't drank in 15 years now. Go mom.

She is a completely different person now. She is a far happier, non-abusive, enjoyable person to be around. I asked her about what the turning point was recently, and she said it came with forgiveness of herself and others,  and taking responsibility for her actions. And she had a truly messed up childhood, and that's just from the parts that she would tell me, and I know I haven't heard all of it.

Don't give up on yourself. You are not going to beat this in a day. We've already confirmed that. It's going to take lots of streaks, and potentially lots of relapses. The withdrawals and depression do suck, but that's your brain telling you to do something to fix your scenario. It's hard, and sometimes it's hard to see that when you're in the middle of that scenario. Giving up your escapism and deciding to confront reality on a consistent basis can be terrifying if you've been avoiding it for years. You need to train to accept reality and not hide. This is your training. 

You got this, Tom.

Thank you wholeheartedly. Yeah I'm sure there are people who game as much or more than me and don't admit they have a problem as well as people who have lost much more to gaming than I have. But, I can't bring myself to be happy or proud of that. I take solace in that I'm not just a lazy person or have no discipline. I did neglect discipline and opened way for my addiction to grow, but at this point, it's really the case that my neuro-chemistry is absolutely FUCKED. Serious addiction is a disease, it doesn't matter how it was created, it's a disease and needs to be cured by whatever means it can be. So that's what I'm doing. The stakes have been finally upped and it's show time now. 

9 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Never give up. It's a mindset and it's also the truth about life. Animals don't give up when they try to fly for the first time, or jump from the first time. They have no ego, no fear of failure. There's nothing to lose by trying again, quite the opposite. But you'll try smarter.

Yeah, Tony Robbins says this nice analogy: What would you do when your baby tries to walk for the first time and falls? You pick it up, help it walk and let it try again. What if it still falls? It's going to try again! What if it falls a 100 times? Do you just give up on it? No, you're gonna have your baby keep trying until it learns to walk! And that's exactly how you should be treating yourself. 

 

Edited by JustTom
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Good stuff, Tom. You got this.

6 hours ago, JustTom said:

"I will smash it so hard it becomes my bitch and does my laundry for a year".

I laughed really hard at this! I might steal this.

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Day 1

Great day, I feel very motivated as well as tired. Had a lot of talks and did a lot of thinking, and I completely cleaned up my messy room. One of the two main prospects wants to move in, but there is a contract requiring him to give 3 months heads-up before leaving his current stay. We'll see what kind of a deal he can cook up tomorrow. 

Plan for tomorrow: 

  • Get up at 10
  • Go through the morning routine, take my time with it
  • Go to the gym
  • Go to the office
    • verify g2g
    • register course
    • check results -> if I think of something quick to do, do that
    • Install EWQLSO
    • reproduce the song
  • Store the laptop at the office
  • Update Journal & Plan the day after
Edited by JustTom

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Right on man. I was reflecting on this after your post: I really think being alone is the main reason people struggle with addictions, low willpower, depression, etc.

I live in a developing country where people still keep family & friendship ties (because they're not always on their phones/computers... because most of them can't afford them) and I've long ago noticed that people are happier, less ADHD, and way more hardworking than in US/Canada where I lived most of my life.

Living alone here is almost unthinkable. Either you live with family or you get married and live with your wife, or sometimes you get married and live with your family in your family's house 😄

Yes, family's not always fun and there can be drama, tensions, etc, but I think human beings are designed for this. We're not designed to live in one-man palaces with nobody to talk to except through a screen. No wonder Western countries have higher depression & suicide rates.

So, long story short, I think this will help a lot. Especially if the roommate is a friend who could be supportive of your problem. I did manage to continue gaming even while rooming with someone in college, but it's a completely different story now that I'm married, since my wife knows about my problems and is supportive.

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2 hours ago, karabas said:

Right on man. I was reflecting on this after your post: I really think being alone is the main reason people struggle with addictions, low willpower, depression, etc.

I think so too. Living alone - that is the extreme that was, for me, a choice based on my state at that moment in the past and my expectations for the future. But even just having your own room where you can lock yourself up and isolate, can be dangerous. I was living with my mom as a teenager after my parents divorced and because I had a PC next to my bed, I often just gamed nonstop in there, coming out just to take food. 

it's a double-edged sword. Phones, social media, internet, apps and all that create immense value, but need to be wielded carefully. If you think about it, we've only had widely available internet for about 30 years(in the west). Compare that to millions of years when human society was not even dreaming of that stuff. So the problem is not that technology is just damaging, the problem is that we just don't have commonly taught strategies how to deal with the dangers. Why? Because our parents weren't raised with the internet so not only do they not understand the issues in depth, but also don't know how to deal with them. I think millennials are really the first generation that will start tackling this and start spreading it into the mainstream as well as onto their children. At least that's what I'm doing 😄

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20 hours ago, JustTom said:

My point is that I'm a person who thrives in the face of a big and scary challenge. Perhaps it's specifically a NEGATIVE type of motivation that I've always lacked. Maybe it's naive or pretentious to think so, but it's possible that if I wasn't raised by a white middle-class European family, but rather somewhere in a ghetto, I would have led a happier and even a more successful life. I remember from a very young age, I secretly wished my parents would be a bit harsher/strict to me. I remember even in elementary school that I thought that shit was way too easy. I felt no pressure -> I couldn't thrive. Passed with average grades, no motivation, moved on.  Same in high-school. The teachers should have let me fail the finals. Not only would have I deserved that, but it would have helped me wake the fuck up. 

I think the underlying idea there is that a success and failure is (or at least seems to) be clearer-cut. Your "mountain hike" example is perfect - you either climb and survive (good) or you slip and die (bad). It is perfect, because it is so primordial. You'd really have to be mistreated badly by life (like literally NEVER seeing good) or work yourself into a situation where you'd want to slip and die. Your "ghetto" case is similar, as it's raw survival in some places that's valued.

I was in a similar situation on high school. My father was never really the family-type (generally coming home only for weekends, because of his work) and my mom wasn't the type to impose some kind of discipline or responsibility on me. I could blame them for not detecting my addiction several years down the road, but I guess that's the last thing they would want from me to do and I'd be a very despicable human being if I did that.

I think part of being a true adult is to be responsible, accepting things as they are and working forever to make them better, sometimes abandoning and adding things as they come. And you can't do that if you hate your life, if you feel overwhelmed or depressed.

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Day 2 | Focus: 70% | Pomodoros: 14 + CGAA + Gym

A nice day, woke up early feeling very refreshed and motivated so I even did affirmations. Packed up, went to the gym, then went shopping for a few things and then spent the rest of the day at the office downloading/installing music libraries, engaging with CGAA and also put down a few notes to start off. Dead tired once again because of sleep deprivation. Tomorrow my sleep should be completely stabilized as long as I don't wake up too early or too late.

That buddy of mine also struck a sick deal with his landlord, so he will be able to move in very early, without any real obstacles. Unexpected, but definitely welcome to have a bit of luck every now and then. 

Plan for tomorrow: 

  • Wake up at 10
  • Go through the morning routine (take my time)
  • Go to the gym
  • AI Theme reproduction
  •     - put in all the notes
  •     - determine the right patches
  •     - begin with velocity & expression tweaking
  • CGAA meeting
  • check-up with sponsor
  • Update Journal & Plan the day after
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