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JustTom

JustTom's Journal 3

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Day 3 | Focus: 85% | Pomodoros: 26

I'm starting to put in some real hours finally. Even though I come late, I stay late to push through as well. Unfortunately, results always lag behind performance, but still, things are getting better at my internship. 

I went to grab some cheese from the kitchen on an upper floor and randomly walked into the middle of a linkedin workshop, so I stayed. It was surprisingly good, but by far the best part was the "networking activity", where we would be forced to talk and get to each other in a certain, simple, structure. Got to know 4 interesting people, one of them luckily being a person who has successfully started and operated multiple e-commerce businesses and now does seminars and coaches people about marketing and sales in the digital sphere lmao. We chatted and drank some free beers, too bad I don't have much more value to offer than enthusiasm and good mood, but hey. Turns out he works in the same building as me(co-working space), so I'll try to stay in touch. I got super hyped by this. I never really 'networked' before, but today I understood it's really just a numbers game - you try to meet a lot of people and you will eventually find the one you need to partner up. 

Thesis first though. *sigh*

Forgot about this guy, but I'll try to keep in mind that when I feel like watching dumb videos and not be productive, I'll put some of his vids instead. I found it quite motivating in the past, plus being very educational as well. And I can also watch it just for fun, somehow: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWN3xxRkmTPmbKwht9FuE5A/videos

 

✔️ Morning Ritual (short)
✔️Evening Preparation
✔️Locked away the laptop

Edited by JustTom

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Day 4 | Focus: 85% | Pomodoros: 18 + gym

Totally crushed it. I'm writing this in kind of a hurry because I'm already in the office, starting the day late, but want to do as much as possible, so I'll be brief. 

Day 5 | Focus: 0% | Pomodoros: 0 + gym + chores

Slept through the whole day. Not sure why, but I'm not thinking too much about it. Weekends are hard. Visible improvement is happening. 

Day 6 | Focus: 35% | Pomodoros: 14

I watched the sc2 GSL finals today, it started at 10 in the morning and during the final game I just fell asleep on my couch. So I finally mobilized myself at around 5pm and started the day. Better late than never, I'll squeeze in as much productivity in these few evening hours as I can. Arrived at the office at ±6pm. It's already a thousand times better than last weekend, ha! Big progress, I think I will have a lot of momentum coming into the next week.

 

Edited by JustTom
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Day 7 | Focus: 60% | Pomodoros: 12

Did what I could today but once again linux decided to make my life a living hell. Then we had an escape room as teambuilding and dinner afterwards, it was nice but it took an entire half of the day. From 5 to 11. That was way too much time spent. Also, I'm starting to feel allergy coming up... my lifelong curse returns to ruin the best periods of my life again, yipee.

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Day 8 | Focus: 90% | Pomodoros: 28

Too tired to even write. Been fixing a dumb bug for literally 6 hours. Then I thought I would reward myself by opening a brokerage account at Degiro, but because I'm an expat student intern, I don't really know my tax residence, so will have to consult this with someone. Darn. I stayed at the office until 3am. Way too long. But oh well, tomorrow I'll go home sooner and get some sleep. 

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Day 9 | Focus: 45% | Pomodoros: 16

I overslept today 😮 I've been running on very little sleep for the past 2-3 days, and today is not going to be an exception, though I slept a lot during the day, so I hope that balances out. The thesis is going bad, I have to buy a new laptop and I can't find the time to go out or go to the gym. I've also been fixing the weirdest bug I've ever seen in my life. For 12 hours. 

I really hope I can stay disciplined throughout the next weekend so that I can knock off some of the todo-list entries. 

6 hours ago, Samon said:

Hey Tom, good to see you are still on track mate :)! 

Thanks! 

 

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Day 10 | Focus: 70% | Pomodoros: 25

The hustle continues. Felt a lot better than yesterday, mostly because I had fixed the bug and could focus on different tasks. The project is still looking quite desperate, but at least it's now enjoyable to work on. I also picked a laptop to buy. It's gonna be pretty sweet I have to say haha. 

Hm... I guess I'm a phase where I don't write a lot huh. 

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Day 11 | Focus: 60% | Pomodoros: 27

Crushed it again! Mediocre focus, but I'm happy that I'm able to push myself, get up in the morning and go to work. I've been sacrificing all social life as well as working out this week - I really just wanted to put in serious hours. This weekend I will go to a housewarming party, work out in the morning both days and perhaps finalize my investing research and buy. I've more or less figured out my complex tax situation and opened a brokerage account, so I'm very happy about that. I don't want to spend hustle hours on that anymore, it's time to get back to roots, time to get back to 100% ROI potential, time to get back to e-commerce WOO! I will shift my morning routine by an hour as well so that I will get to my desired schedule by the end of the month. The ideal schedule would allow me to work 40 hours on my thesis, go to the gym 3 times, go out 3 times(short-ish), do chores and shopping once and still leave me with 18 hours of side hustle time. If I can keep up my momentum throughout this weekend, I am confident I will reach this amount of discipline and practical motivation and finally WIN!

Edited by JustTom
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Focus: 70% | Pomodoros: 18 + social

For the past week, I've been gaming some days and not gaming some other days, overall it's pretty bad but I think I'm recovering again this week. I got a new laptop and of course I had to take the new GPU for a spin so that was a fantastic bait. I can't promise I won't game tomorrow(or even today), but I'm posting here for consistency. It's not all doom and gloom though. I mean, maybe it should be, since I haven't been to the gym for like 3 weeks, I'm over-eating, over-sleeping, gaming, missing work, not meeting people and generally being a lazy slob, but.. I've been worse too LOL!

In the end, I did put in the effort today and then watched game of thrones with classmates in the evening. It felt really nice visiting the uni again. I miss the community and hanging out with them more often, since now I only go to my internship. 

Edited by JustTom
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Tuesday | Focus: 70% | Pomodoros: 12

Wednesday | Focus: 70% | Pomodoros: 16

Still gaming, but not much. I'm trying really hard to show up every day for work and progress the thesis. Sleep is pretty messed up but I'm doing what I can. Because of this, I don't have time left for anything else. Let's hope I won't waste this weekend as I did all the other previous weekends.

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I hope you're doing well.  I recently just got out of one of the most difficult phases of my life and have managed to stay away from gaming and porn.  Keep working on your journey and see the end game.  But while you're in the game don't forget to not game and make sure you're living for yourself each day and not living to just meet that goal of thesis completion and quitting the bad habits.  You got this.

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AGAIN | Day 0

It's been 23 days since my last relapse and the last 10 days have been the most solitary and empty days of my life. I hate myself, I hate what I've become, I hate being in my head, I hate the looks people give me for failing over and over again, I hate giving empty promises and I hate my life. I've gone from ambitious, happy and wonderous person to - I don't even know what. Literally laying in my room on a computer, never going outside, getting fat and accumulating trash around me. In the past two or so months, I've played 200 hours of overwatch, not accounting for at least 50 more hours of watching overwatch videos. My life is a mess, and I'm dying. 

It's monday morning and after watching today's game of thrones episode(which was epic, by the way!), I've cleaned up my room a bit, changed my battle.net password and e-mail to a self-destructing address and I'm about to head off outside. I don't know what's going to happen and how people will react to me, if they give me another chance - maybe, maybe not. Either way, I still believe there is hope for me for a happy life. Even though I don't see it, I believe it is there. I don't have any practical strategy worked out yet, though I think my bag of tricks is empty at this point. My promises to others as well as to myself hold no value anymore, but even then, I would like to promise to myself to never play again. 

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Hey, Tom! It is nice to see you again and it is good to know that you want to try once more. There is hope, trust me. Sometimes we all make mistakes but our strength is that we can correct them. There is only one incorrigible mistake and it is not  a relapse. Don't be so hard on yourself!

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Day 1

The first day is almost always a sleep reset for me so I'm pretty tired now. My supervisor wasn't at work today so I could take it chill - did it a bit of work, read a bunch about gaming addiction, signed up for coaching, replied to people I've been ignoring, bunch of miscellaneous stuff like that. I also might have found a bug that has been holding back my project. 

I'm leaving my laptop at the office, as this was the single most impactful trick that worked in the past. Also setting up a stickk bet for tomorrow to get up in the morning. On top of that, I'm actively looking for coaching to keep me accountable or have some emergency solution. I'd also like to find a support group. Or make one. Again with the ideas...

Cravings are really really strong. I was thinking multiple times that I could just go home, get a new account and play today. Let's see if I can resist it tomorrow. 

1 hour ago, Catherine17 said:

Hey, Tom! It is nice to see you again and it is good to know that you want to try once more. There is hope, trust me. Sometimes we all make mistakes but our strength is that we can correct them. There is only one incorrigible mistake and it is not  a relapse. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Thanks, I'm glad to be back. 

On 5/4/2019 at 5:53 PM, BooksandTrees said:

make sure you're living for yourself each day and not living to just meet that goal of thesis completion and quitting the bad habits.

Unfortunately, that is all that I'm doing right now. It's been like that for a while and I hate it with every fiber of my being. I want to finish and then be free, do something else, do something that I genuinely enjoy. But because I'm struggling so hard with gaming and depression, the degree is getting longer and longer each week that I fail.  

Edited by JustTom

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Day 2

Afternoon update: I'm feeling very strong cravings. I'm waiting for results that will take 3 hours, so I'm very tempted to go home and play. "Just one evening". I'm just frustrated by trying to identify the source of a magical bug that makes no sense at all, so I'm trying to escape it. The fact that I have to message the blizzard support and at least somewhat explain the situation in order to get my account back is pretty awkward though. AAAhhh.

Evening update: I went home, and felt really 'exhausted'. I know it wasn't real exhaustion, but the brain fog was very strong either way. What I should have done is change my physiological state and I did want to go to the gym, but in the end I didn't go. I installed overwatch and fell asleep on the couch during the installation. Which was probably lucky for me, since I would have just played the whole evening and night. Instead, I woke up at ~6am, played for an hour, got really bored, then chilled, watched a few videos and went out to the office. 

How I'd wish to just be normal.

Edited by JustTom

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Non-Zero Day 3

So I played this morning for ~1 hour and it bored me. Still, even at the office in the morning, I'm feeling cravings and I think I will play some more in the evening. I want to keep some kind of a counter even if not a detox, so it's non-zero days. We'll see how I feel later in the day and if I manage to advance my project at least a little bit.

Will update at the end of the day.

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1 hour ago, JustTom said:

Day 1

Another one, let's go. Until I die trying. 

Same here. Back after a while. Day 1 will be tomorrow I guess; but still. Empathy!

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3 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Same here. Back after a while. Day 1 will be tomorrow I guess; but still. Empathy!

Oh man, I really wished you succeeded and just moved on! Let's change together then, for good. We have the same detox start day, let's see who finishes 90 days first 😄

EDIT: Oh I just read your entries and realized you're not talking about gaming. 

Edited by JustTom
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7 hours ago, JustTom said:

Oh man, I really wished you succeeded and just moved on! Let's change together then, for good. We have the same detox start day, let's see who finishes 90 days first 😄

EDIT: Oh I just read your entries and realized you're not talking about gaming. 

Relapse is relapse. Addiction is addiction. No matter what habit you're kicking, in my eyes. 

You are totally on, though. I've never had a detox-buddy before. Let's see if it changes the way we detox ^^

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Day 2

I practically slept through the entire day. Because I don't game anymore, I just avoid reality with sleeping, as is the tradition. Didn't go to my internship and generally felt like a piece of shit. I thought I would go to the office at least for the evening/night, but then I procrastinated and eventually felt asleep. Day 3 already started the same way, waking up at ~2pm. 

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3 hours ago, JustTom said:

Day 2

I practically slept through the entire day. Because I don't game anymore, I just avoid reality with sleeping, as is the tradition. Didn't go to my internship and generally felt like a piece of shit. I thought I would go to the office at least for the evening/night, but then I procrastinated and eventually felt asleep. Day 3 already started the same way, waking up at ~2pm. 

Just maybe do 1 thing? Babysteps, mate. If you feel like making yourself a proper meal or some other mundane thing is a feat, then it is and you can at least feel like you did something proper with your time.

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6 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Just maybe do 1 thing? Babysteps, mate. If you feel like making yourself a proper meal or some other mundane thing is a feat, then it is and you can at least feel like you did something proper with your time.

Yeah I'm... completely unable to function. It's been like this on and off for a few months. I really need help.

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Day 3

Day 3 was pretty much a repeat of day 2, except that I attended an online CGAA meeting. It was nice. Might have connected with a sponsor too. 

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