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JustTom

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Speaking of wake-up calls...Even if you think about your situation that way, it is a wake-up call. The thing is that talented or not we will never 'fail enough'. We will never be visited by a friendly murderer next door, who'll tell us how valuable our life is. We should figure it out ourselves.

Take all the time you need to recover and remember that you can always return and we will be waiting for you.

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On 3/14/2019 at 6:51 PM, Silverlining said:

If you have suicidal thoughts, you really need to see a therapist

Bahh, I'm still very far from that don't worry! 

On 3/14/2019 at 9:01 PM, karabas said:

I do get the sense from you that when you're on the detox, you're always "going". It doesn't seem like you allow yourself any downtime. It's like you always have to be doing something: gym, school, pickup, whatever. I think that's part of the problem of our modern lives: we're always plugged in and always trying to "maximize" our daily "efficiency". Our brains need down time. I'm Muslim so I end up grabbing at least 25-30 minutes a day by virtue of the daily prayers + some more time because of my spiritual routines. Whatever it is, I think you need to work in some down time for yourself. Think of it as a time investment.

 

I've noticed this as well. I think it can be one of the reasons why I go back to shit-mode so frequently, but it's weird because when I'm detoxing, I'm not FORCING myself to do all those things. It's what I genuinely want to do - I genuinely want to be productive all the time, be social all the time, squeeze every minute of the day towards progressing myself. Going to the gym for example, I never give myself specific goals and don't use any like motivation techniques to force myself to go. When I'm detoxing and I'm feeling good, I want to do some exercise because it makes me feel even better. So I don't know - should I actually force myself to slow down? Seems counter-intuitive. 

On 3/14/2019 at 10:02 PM, Catherine17 said:

Speaking of wake-up calls...Even if you think about your situation that way, it is a wake-up call. The thing is that talented or not we will never 'fail enough'. We will never be visited by a friendly murderer next door, who'll tell us how valuable our life is. We should figure it out ourselves.

Take all the time you need to recover and remember that you can always return and we will be waiting for you.

True. But you know how in the movies there is always some big event that triggers action? Something epic, something super dramatic like the protagonist losing their job AND getting divorced AND the car breaks down AND their dog dies or something, THEN the characters finally says "fuck it" and just goes for it... whatever "it" is. Like the movie American Beauty, have you seen that one? An absolute piece of art. Well actually there is no dramatic event that happens in that one to initiate the life-renewal, but you get the point 😄 

 

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Yeah so to actually update: 

  • still gaming, bad mental state, but not COMPLETELY fucked
  • reversed my sleep 'schedule' back to normal
  • got to my job(monday), but productivity is at like 5%
  • Got in touch with one of my best buddies from my home town, he's also struggling with gaming for years but he doesn't get into depression or solitude and he never committed to a real detox, though he knows he has a problem and tries to 'moderate'. We kinda joked around the fact that we're both super addicted at this very moment and went something like "yeah shit's fucked, let's play LoL tonight". So that's what we're gonna do. I know I shouldn't, but if I don't, I'm just going to play overwatch anyways. Or try to quit again, but I'm having hard time even starting again. I've failed so many goddamn times.. I'd like to see something to give me confidence to keep going beyond a few weeks, but other than completely changing my environment and doing something out of the ordinary like backpacking through europe for 3 months,  I can't see it. I know this is just looking for external solutions, but I just keep doing the same thing detox strategy and failing over and over. Do I even want to quit gaming? Maybe I want to be a gamer my whole life? No, that vision is like a nightmare to me, but the vision of QUITTING gaming is ALSO terrible. What the fuck, brain? I just don't know. I'm going to read through my old journals, maybe I'll see some successful pattern. 
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Hey, welcome back! Glad to see you here again:)

6 hours ago, JustTom said:

Something epic, something super dramatic like the protagonist losing their job AND getting divorced AND the car breaks down AND their dog dies or something, THEN the characters finally says "fuck it" and just goes for it... whatever "it" is.

I got the image, yes. But I think that we may be endlessly going into free fall without ever hitting the bottom. We need to feel that desire of change from within. Life isn't famous for being well-structured like an average movie or a book (or a game). I think American Beauty is about it, about reaching the point where you cannot lie to yourself anymore, when you are ready to move on. At the same time it may seem that life goes on and nothing special happens, it's all about small things and small changes that lead you to the greater ones, pushing you towards grasping this subtle image of happiness and true beauty of life.

Well, I got carried away a bit. 

4 hours ago, JustTom said:

Do I even want to quit gaming? Maybe I want to be a gamer my whole life? No, that vision is like a nightmare to me, but the vision of QUITTING gaming is ALSO terrible

Oh, that is very relatable. I am trying to believe that getting rid of the addiction will help me to get to the good place, but I cannot know for sure. I don't know whether anyone knows. Just stay on your path and never lose trust in yourself. 

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17 hours ago, JustTom said:

I've noticed this as well. I think it can be one of the reasons why I go back to shit-mode so frequently, but it's weird because when I'm detoxing, I'm not FORCING myself to do all those things. It's what I genuinely want to do - I genuinely want to be productive all the time, be social all the time, squeeze every minute of the day towards progressing myself. Going to the gym for example, I never give myself specific goals and don't use any like motivation techniques to force myself to go. When I'm detoxing and I'm feeling good, I want to do some exercise because it makes me feel even better. So I don't know - should I actually force myself to slow down? Seems counter-intuitive. 

Maybe try giving yourself some regular down time and see how it works out? Obviously should be away from computer.

Another thing I realized is the problem may be that you live alone. I made a lot of progress when my wife started working out of the same room as me, which meant that I couldn't game without her seeing and I stopped. 

It might help if you have a roommate... might also be a way to get that down time by hanging out...

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