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JustTom

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Still stuck at the moment and don't want to ramble yet, I'm just opening the thread so that I can post every day even if it's 100% failure reports. I've got the last exam on monday which, if I fail, I will have to re-take the whole course in November sooooo let's not do that yeah? So far it looks very likely, but eh, I've gotten lucky before so I'll give it a shot. 

I'd love to type in here a comprehensive plan and start a detox counter but I would just be lying to everyone here. Hopefully I'll pull myself up soon. 

EDIT: Even though I did go to the uni, I wasn't able to focus at all, I was sleep deprived, my thoughts are flying around, there is a ton of self-hate and on top of that, it feels like my brain is not used to thinking - I literally feel dumb. Communication is at a 0, I pretty much looked exactly how I felt - I'm a mess. I think I studied 2 hours total. 

Edited by JustTom

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I'm glad that you decide to come back here and to make baby steps.

You have been there so you know pretty much everything about quitting. I don't know what to say except to wish you good luck.

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28 minutes ago, Silverlining said:

I'm glad that you decide to come back here and to make baby steps.

You have been there so you know pretty much everything about quitting. I don't know what to say except to wish you good luck.

I honestly really don't want to. That's the worst part, I know I should want to quit, but I don't want to >{ I know my life would be so much better, but just the idea of going into the real life spikes my anxiety so high I feel like I just want to run. 

It's 16:00 and I've finally convinced myself to not give up on the exam and try to cram in as much as I can during the ~12-14 hours of studying that I have left before the exam. There's nothing more I can do at this point. I was considering for a very long time to just give up, which would allow me full two days of gaming. It's a resit so there is a small chance they will leave some portion of the questions the same which gives me some chance of success. Not a big one, but I will try my luck at least.

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28 minutes ago, JustTom said:

I honestly really don't want to. That's the worst part, I know I should want to quit, but I don't want to >{ I know my life would be so much better, but just the idea of going into the real life spikes my anxiety so high I feel like I just want to run. 

I feel you so much, man, I quit once for 3 months and it really did improve my life, but now I'm quitting again and it feels so weird. Btw, I'm having an exam this week too. I'm so unprepared it's unbelievable, but I've retaken exams before and managed to pull through even though I knew very little. I'd advise you to not give up now, what helps me a lot is imagining how I would feel after the exam if I'd given up. Even if you fail, you won't feel as bad because you actually tried preparing for the exam and didn't give up. I know it's pretty basic advice but I wanted to share anyway lol. Good luck!

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21 hours ago, JustTom said:

I honestly really don't want to. That's the worst part, I know I should want to quit, but I don't want to >{ I know my life would be so much better, but just the idea of going into the real life spikes my anxiety so high I feel like I just want to run. 

It's 16:00 and I've finally convinced myself to not give up on the exam and try to cram in as much as I can during the ~12-14 hours of studying that I have left before the exam. There's nothing more I can do at this point. I was considering for a very long time to just give up, which would allow me full two days of gaming. It's a resit so there is a small chance they will leave some portion of the questions the same which gives me some chance of success. Not a big one, but I will try my luck at least.

I understand the anxiety.

But the fact that you are posting here means that you want to get out of this mess. And you know the only way is quitting.

Are you really willing to give up your degree, your career and your social life for gaming? I don't think so, because you are still trying to pass this exam.

If you really don't want to quit, that's fine. That's your life. No one can make you "want" things. However, if you want to quit but can't, then that's something to work on.

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Oh hey! I was going to follow up with you and see where you're at. Glad that you're back (even if just to post).

What is it about life that spikes your anxiety? What are you afraid of facing?

Also, maybe this is a sign that your life goals aren't motivating enough? (Cue my normal pitch for figuring out your metaphysical beliefs since they're at the core of everything, but you know the drill :D)

It can also just be fatigue. I've relapsed myself and I haven't had the energy or motivation to properly re-start my detox. I think I'm just tired of constantly pushing myself. I figure if I get proper sleep a few weeks straight, I should be back in it. So it's just a matter of getting some rest sometimes. Fighting yourself all the time is exhausting.

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On 2/17/2019 at 10:23 AM, karabas said:

Earth to @JustTom 🙂

NO! I am NOT dead. How DARE you even suggest that IIIIiiii - I - would be out of the game? You fool! haHA! NO!

Unofficial Day 1/90 | Got up: Yes | Pomodoros: 18

Started my internship yesterday. First day at the job. Spent 9 hours in the office focusing quite well and also went to the gym in the evening, then talked to dad and chilled with some RSD videos. Felt... bad(to not make it too dramatic), but that's how things are nowadays. Better than yesterday though, so that's pretty good!

If I actually start consistently posting now then I will surely ramble about the past two months later, but the TL;DR is: Had a month off reserved for improving my social skills, meeting girls and exercising, instead I spent it all gaming and in the second heaviest depression period of my life. Had a resit exam at the beginning of february that I didn't even go to due to anxiety so I will need to retake the course in november. I've been feeling crushing loneliness, anxiety, sadness and massive, massive disappointment. I truly hate the person I've become and I don't respect myself at ALL. But that's okay, there are many second chances in life and I'm still young with lots of time remaining so I will try to crawl out of my despair and hopefully eventually have a day that I don't feel like crying. It's been a long time since I had one of those. Today I didn't game. Not really by decision, more like by exhaustion. But since that exhaustion was caused by me deciding to stay at the office longer AND going to the gym, I can chalk it up as a detox day. Even though I haven't fully committed in my mind yet.

Just kidding Karabas, don't worry

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@JustTom hey, showing up and admitting you have problems means you are already commited, even if for a teeny tiny bit. Being busy and doing hard but necessary stuff will help you. Keep going and keep journaling. :)

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58 minutes ago, katsudo19 said:

Do you love yourself?

I think so. Though in a similar way that a strict, successful father would love his drug-addicted dropout son, I think I do love myself, but I also resent and disgust myself. If that makes sense. 

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8 hours ago, JustTom said:

NO! I am NOT dead. How DARE you even suggest that IIIIiiii - I - would be out of the game? You fool! haHA! NO!

That's the spirit 🙂 Glad to see you back bro.

8 hours ago, JustTom said:

Today I didn't game. Not really by decision, more like by exhaustion. But since that exhaustion was caused by me deciding to stay at the office longer AND going to the gym, I can chalk it up as a detox day.

That's how my recent detox restarted as well. It just so happened that I stayed away from videos for a few days, but I'm more committed now. So hopefully it'll work the same for you 🙂 You've got this!

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1 hour ago, JustTom said:

I think so. Though in a similar way that a strict, successful father would love his drug-addicted dropout son, I think I do love myself, but I also resent and disgust myself. If that makes sense. 

Try love yourself unconditionally. It will be a way better than you might think. All you need is love. Other things will come naturally.

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1 hour ago, katsudo19 said:

Try love yourself unconditionally. It will be a way better than you might think. All you need is love. Other things will come naturally.

But how do you create that if it's not the case currently? Affirmations? I don't know. I should do affirmations though. I'll try to get up early enough tomorrow to squeeze it in. 

By the way, I got up in the morning and went to my job for the second time, so things are looking up! Still feel a gloom of despair and pain inside and there are lots of vision of the future that scare the shit out of me, but I try to not think about it and take it day by day. I know I'm in a bad place and these thoughts are just fake manifestations. 

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1 hour ago, katsudo19 said:

Try love yourself unconditionally. It will be a way better than you might think. All you need is love. Other things will come naturally.

There are two issues here. One is that unconditional love doesn't entail a lack of criticism. You can love yourself and admit that you have flaws. Otherwise, just go out and game until death do you part!

Secondly, what is the "self"? This is a metaphysical question, obviously. In the spiritual tradition that I belong to (Islam), the "self" or the "soul" is one's potential for perfection & Divine communion. The flaws are not part of it and you shouldn't identify with your flaws. You should identify with that potential for perfection that you have. The flaws simply prevent that potential from becoming apparent.

So, as I understand it, loving oneself would imply loving that perfection that one can uncover in oneself. But if you mean to say to not see the flaws as flaws... that's an entirely different thing and has some problematic implications...

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Actually, in retrospect, we're talking about the same thing here really, aren't we? Which is: don't identify with your flaws. Your flaws are not you, you are something bigger than that and you show love and want what's best for this "bigger" you.

Sorry for the rant lol, I get carried away sometimes 🙂

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I love myself with my cons and pros. That's all.

@JustTom Accept yourself with pros and cons. Tell yourself at the front of the mirror I love you! After some time tell me results.

Edited by katsudo19
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Unofficial Day 2/90 | Got up: Yes | Pomodoros: 11

Didn't game today. Huh. 

Had to go to the uni after lunch to talk to a prof. and then I didn't get much done because I was super tired. I haven't slept enough the last two days and I was pretty sore from going to the gym after a month or so yesterday.

In the afternoon, I went out alone just for an hour to cold approach really just for practice. I thought I would just give 5 compliments and go home - something to warm myself up after a relapse. For 40 minutes, I was really just walking around full of anxiety. I was over-analyzing everything and was in my head like crazy, which was expected so that's fine. The girl was always either 'too young' and I felt like I would be creepy, or 'too old' and I felt like I would be creepy, or not pretty enough or in too much of a hurry or on a 'phone call' or with a friend or other million reasons to not approach. All of them bullshit 99% of the time. And whenever I buckled up and started walking up, the SLIGHTEST thing would interrupt me, I would flinch, hesitate and give up. For example, a girl moving her head even just 2 degrees to where I was coming from - I flinch and pretend I'm going somewhere else - wouldn't want her to think I was stalking her or something right? Or even worse - that I would try to talk to her? *sigh* So after 40 minutes, I finally walked up to one, said she was looking nice and wished her a nice day, she was surprised and said thanks, bye in a very neutral way, which is a pretty normal reaction for something that random. Right after that, I got like a mini panic attack. And, this never happens to me, started hyper-ventilating for a few seconds. Had to go to the closest store to just breathe for a while. After that, I decided to pack it up for today and go home. Pretty sad, but as Tyler says: "You either get bitter, or you get better". So, to get better next time, I will keep in mind to just go with it once I start walking up. No matter what happens, even if she looks straight to my face and sees me going towards her. Just say hi and if she's weirded out, just calibrate, acknowledge the randomness, or even apologize if she's really uncomfortable(though this never happens). Because what's the worst that could happen? You won't see each other ever again. Cool.

I have to say I've been having a hard time breathing lately. I have a lot of negative energy built up. I will meditate with breathing focus after writing this and go to bed. 

Apart from getting up and going to my internship/thesis job, I'd like to start slowly working on some habits. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself by trying to do everything at once though, but I do feel like my mood is very slightly improving so I'll just write out things I will eventually incorporate(no commitments yet): 

  • Affirmations in the morning for 3-5 minutes
  • Push-ups in the morning to wake me up - I've been doing this before, it's great
  • "Go out or Work out" - the daily schedule allows me to squeeze in either a workout session or a social session on weekdays after work. I think this would be a nice thing to follow
  • Reading - before bed every day for ~30 minutes after journaling. Whenever I did this in the past, it was immensely therapeutic and helped me sleep better and wake up fresh. 
  • Meditation and/or visualization - daily. It's obvious to me that this is important, I just never did it for more than 3 days
  • Devise the "Emergency Plan" - set of actions to follow once I feel like I'm close to relapsing/going into depression and a set of actions to follow once I do fail, to get me back on track.
  • Think about what I want in life and write a mission statement

Just brainstorming here, there's probably things I forgot.

On 2/19/2019 at 2:31 PM, katsudo19 said:

I love myself with my cons and pros. That's all.

@JustTom Accept yourself with pros and cons. Tell yourself at the front of the mirror I love you! After some time tell me results.

I will try soon 🙂

Edited by JustTom
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Alright, yesterday I did game and it felt miserable. It usually does, but yesterday it felt particularly pointless. It set my mood back, it reinforced the brain fog, it made me oversleep and not work the whole day. I'll try to deliberately detox from today on. 

I will also attempt to re-frame my thinking. I've been focusing only on the negative for a very long time and, granted, I feel like most of my life IS the negative, but in order to move forward, I need to focus vastly on the positive. So whenever I catch myself thinking about how something about my life sucks, I will instead replace it with something that is good. I will try to remind myself of this at least when I update the journal. 

EDIT: Though I'm not sure what to do in the evenings and on the weekend currently. I have a few things in mind but definitely not enough to fill out every hour. Guess I will accept boredom and try to figure it out eventually. Or just read and spend time reinforcing my mindset. 

 

Edited by JustTom
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Detox Day 1 | Got up: No | Pomodoros: 16 + gym

It was almost hard to believe, but for the most of the day I felt okay! Like, normal! Which is a fantastic improvement. After work, I hopped into the gym and it felt soo good. I even talked to people around me a little bit and I had a moment where I genuinely laughed and smiled - haven't had that in weeks apart from some random chuckles from memes. It's so amazing getting from the head into the body, even if just for a few moments. After gym I 'wasted' 3 hours watching videos, but honestly I am more than happy with my mental progress. I do have to finish one thing for my supervisor so uhhh looks like I'm staying up till 5am and getting up at 8. Unlucky, but has to be done, so tomorrow will be a dangerous day to not relapse, so I will focus on not relapsing. I think the best plan is to push and workout after work again, which will just put me to sleep immediately after. 

Edited by JustTom
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Nice job hopping right back into it, that's never easy to do.  Live and Learn!  I also had a day where I almost relapsed a week ago and my dad helped keep me accountable so I just did absolutely nothing that day and was freaking miserable, but I got through it somehow and the next day was better.  You're probably already doing this, but it helps to have people keep you accountable.  Best of luck.

Also, I think your journal posts are my favorite.  Your posts are pretty funny and energetic, maybe it has something to do with your avatar.

Edited by Average_Guy
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You are probably still struggling and worried that you might relapse again. But clearly you have been making some progress since a month ago. So good luck. You can do this.

 

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Non-Zero Day 2 | Got up: Yes | Pomodoros: 16 + gym

I finally figured out how to call the counter! 😄 I definitely have things to write, but it's already too late, I'll update tomorrow

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WEW. I spent the weekend gaming. This was the first week that I was working full time so when friday evening came around, I went to the gym after work and I felt so great. Mentally, I was still very shaky but physically I felt so good. That feeling of relief and peace after what is essentially 2 months of being stuck in depression made it so that I just started playing. I wasn't thinking about it, I was just watching some videos or something and felt like playing, so I did. I did some casual mental gymnastics in my head and boom, I'm on the video game train again. Of course I gamed until 3-4am, then overslept on saturday so I missed the afternoon activity I had planned and what else is there to do than game when your plans get cancelled right? Great! ... It's the fact that I didn't *HAVE* to do anything on saturday that got me. So I didn't see a human face the whole weekend and I also haven't read the papers that I was supposed to read on sunday. I mean, it's not catastrophic, but I will definitely not shine bright on monday. Especially since it's 4am and I have to wake up around 8. 

Fuck. 

Detox Day 0

AGAIN!

I have to also avoid gaming videos because in this state it leads to a relapse real quick. I also need to give away my MTGA account, will do it tomorrow evening. 

*************************************************************

@Average_Guy Thanks! I don't really have anyone accountable to, except for my new internship supervisor. When I'm gaming, I dully avoid all friends and family, so they're either in the dark, or have stopped caring at this point because I've let them down too many times. 

The Avatar speaks from my heart, really. It's also from my favorite movie of all time.

@Silverlining Welp 😄 Yeah it's pretty sad to see where I've gotten if I look back a few months ago and see how excellent I was doing at life. Maybe it is just my soul's journey to always struggle. I really hope not. 

 

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