Moving on

[Vera]

My knees give me trouble. I can't workout properly because they flare up very easily even if I just walk on the treadmill. I decided to stop and give myself one more weekend to rest. 

My tablet suddenly decided to break. That's why I don't like Windows, I have almost no control over what my pc is doing on the background. And it's bloated. I think that Microsoft this and Microsoft that just takes up space and precious resources without being really useful. I thought the tablet would replace my pc, I've been searching for a part in my pc that makes strange noise, but it seems I'll lose the opportunity to study in the kitchen. That's unfortunate. 

I was looking for something to replace Anki with, and I found Memorion. I don't know yet how good the app is, it just seems to be fairly comfortable to use. 

I keep studying on my own. I can't say I enjoy the process, it just needs to be done and it's not that pleasant sometimes, but I keep going. 

[Vera]

Time flies by! 

My knees got better, did a long walk on a treadmill yesterday and I don't feel any pain now. I want to repeat the walk today because I really need to work out, and I will try to do half of my usual routine. I wasn't motivated to do much, but I feel more inclined to do something now. Something is always better than nothing.

 

Edited April 11, 2019 by Vera

[Vera]

The weekend is going well. I'd say I've slept for half of the time but I finally feel like I can do something without yawning my head off. My focus also got much better. I really need to make my sleeping schedule more consistent because I feel pretty bad if I don't sleep enough.

Well, I searched for a bicycle and found a nice one that's not ridiculously expensive. I might buy it after my summer vacation is over, if I still feel like it. I also did some math and was pretty disappointed with my salary. I'll also find a new job during vacation if no promotion will be offered to me. We'll see how it goes.

Still can't find the app that will be good for tracking my food. Might as well return to simply writing it in a random text editor and adding some notes, because I waste more time on searching for the app than actually writing what I eat. And my memory is pretty bad because I just eat stuff and forget it immediately, I don't remember what I had for breakfast. Guess a simple  editor with highlighting what I eat as good or bad will help me, it's a pretty good idea after all. 

I watched a stream a day ago or so, and it was boring.

I guess being mindful about what content I consume lead me to watch less yt and less pinterest pretty naturally. It happened almost without forcing anything.

[Vera]

I hate weekends. Really. I don't seem to be able to stick to my habits. I care for my fish, but I do not do the same for myself. I remember that Peterson talked about it in his book, and I think it is a pretty good point. I disrupted my routine, ruined every possible sleep schedule, didn't do a proper workout for a long time, and I deserve apathy as a result! It is all my fault of not planning ahead enough, not being mindful, not doing what I should and I will fix that. 

[Vera]

I'm slowly getting my routine together. I finally decided to make use of Blitz and this app is good, exactly what I need, no more and no less. I use it to make my daily to-do list and kind of create my schedule all the way down to mundane things like clean my desk or do a water change. I also use Google Keep to write anything that interests me to look it up later, I always have something nice and interesting to google if I'm bored. The last part of the triad is Markor, text editor which serves as a diary and a food tracker. I actually like to write and I need it when things get tough, it's the way to clear my mind. Once again, the editor on this site is behaving strangely, I can't use Enter. But it's not important. I found Forest app on my phone and decided that it would be nice to use it. So my goal is to get 500 points to "buy" a new tree. I'm very stressed today so I try to calm down without using my phone, and doing my tasks one by one, slowly and as good as I can is helping me a lot.

[Vera]

Planning helps. I stick to my simple routine and keep going. I usually start with the default list of things I need to do, like go to the gym or study a chapter from the English grammar book. As my day goes on, I can add different things, something to buy or a task that I would forget about quickly if I don't write it down. I also use Forest for two hours straight in the morning and it gives me time to work without any distractions. Or rather it forces me to do boring tasks I postponed yesterday.  I have more than 400 points so I'll buy a tree soon. I also try to figure out how to use Memorion, the app itself isn't that straightforward, but I like it.

 

[Vera]

Saturday was busy, I was helping my family and didn't have much time to do my own things. I had enough time to reflect on how many pointless and harmful things people do that are just a tradition. But I had a good Sunday. It was hot outside and I walked around for quite a while, ran some errands and bought new sunglasses. I was shocked by the prices, but I found cheap and decent-looking ones.

I am bored out of my mind today. I guess I broke youtube because there are no more interesting videos on my feed! So I check it from time to time, but it's pretty pointless and adds nothing to my life. I need to quit it too. Checked out last Cam's video though, it was quite good. I liked that he stressed the benefits of quitting gaming once again and in a very clear way, that was a useful thing to hear.

 

[Vera]

Life happens!

I got sick, then got better, after that had a good day and a bad day. I sleep better, try to watch yt less and be more mindful about what I eat. I still struggle with the gym, but I'm doing what I can, even if it is just showing up and doing cardio. Something is better than nothing. 

Watching gaming-related content makes me have urges and it also disrupts my focus and makes me tired because I have to fight with my urges instead of doing something productive. But I get over them every time without installing any games. I talk to people, look for new things to do, complete my to-do list as much as I can (the key is to have a small to-do list and a few things you know you like to do when your main tasks are complete). Time flies by with such a speed that small things really do add up, it is not a lie. Therefore showing up and making the most out of my time is important. The first Seneca's letter tells me how precious our time is and how much of it I spend doing unnecessary, empty things and self-sabotaging myself. What else can I do to make today count? 

[BooksandTrees]

Good job on the journey so far.  Avoid the gaming videos and keep focusing on your goals.  Your dreams in life are some of the most powerful and endearing things you'll ever own.  These will keep giving you hope and power to live life the way you want.  At some point you will stop focusing on the things you're doing wrong and fixing them, but you'll start focusing on the things you do well and what you can do better and right to lead you to accomplishment.  That journey will bring happiness and fulfillment.

[Vera]

Bought the new shoes for the gym and had a nice workout yesterday! I've worked overtime yesterday, so didn't have time to take a walk today as I wanted to. But I'm not sad, I've done most of the day to day things I have on my to-do list, and I can go to sleep without any worries. The day was good.

I keep an eye on news about the gaming industry, it's pretty interesting how AAA titles just crash one after another. This gives me no urges at all. I consider it disgusting to play such games now, they are filled with shady practices and hooks and tricks to make you spend as much money as you can, without giving you a really good experience and fun.

[Sapuverell]

3 minutes ago, Vera said:

This gives me no urges at all. I consider it disgusting to play such games now, they are filled with shady practices and hooks and tricks to make you spend as much money as you can, without giving you a really good experience and fun.

I really see the way video games can connect people and be fun, and for most gamers this is good, they can keep it healthy. So a question here: Is it really a goal to disgust games only because you quit gaming?

[Vera]

@Sapuverell I don't speak about all games. I only think that games designed to work against their players are bad. 

Edited May 8, 2019 by Vera

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

Good job. I read some of your journal. What day are you on for the 90 day detox? Keep up the good work. Stay strong! ?

[Vera]

6 hours ago, 30_yrs_of_gaming said:

Good job. I read some of your journal. What day are you on for the 90 day detox? Keep up the good work. Stay strong! ?

Hello! 

I finished the 90 days several days ago, but I had no idea, I don't count days. I pretty much moved on from gaming. What about you?

[Ikar]

20 hours ago, Sapuverell said:

I really see the way video games can connect people and be fun, and for most gamers this is good, they can keep it healthy. So a question here: Is it really a goal to disgust games only because you quit gaming?

The question stirred my thoughts; imagine in how that works in romantic relationships. There's very few people that can stay legit friends after they break up. There's a ton of resentment towards the end of it most of the time. Hate is a very cheap and effective means of dealing with the situation.

12 hours ago, Vera said:

@Sapuverell I don't speak about all games. I only think that games designed to work against their players are bad. 

Agreed. Some games are past the point of being just an innocent colorful combination designed to bring some joy, especially nowadays.

[Vera]

@Ikar hate is part of the coping mechanism. When I was dealing with the breakup, I hated my ex. I used it as a fuel to move on from what was tearing me apart. There was no other way to avoid depression, fear, guilt, and shame. I protected myself until I was able to actually shake the weight of it off my shoulders. And it worked really well since I'm not depressed and I don't have painful flashbacks all the time.

[Ikar]

2 hours ago, Vera said:

@Ikar hate is part of the coping mechanism. When I was dealing with the breakup, I hated my ex. I used it as a fuel to move on from what was tearing me apart. There was no other way to avoid depression, fear, guilt, and shame. I protected myself until I was able to actually shake the weight of it off my shoulders. And it worked really well since I'm not depressed and I don't have painful flashbacks all the time.

I was on the other side of it.

My ex broke up with me and she wrote me she took a really long time to manage to get herself up to the point where she'd just rub it into my face, as sometimes I did random acts of kindness along the way, which softened up her resolve temporarily. I was just so socially unaware/ignorant that I never saw it coming. We were practically the same and I think the thing she hated about me (and maybe what she still hates in herself today) was that we mirrored each other in basically being a pair of losers who never got anything done, even though I never got an answer from her on that.

I wrote her about the mirroring a while ago and I didn't get a response since (and got a bit angry with her after that), but truth hurts. I went on a month without her and in the progress I had to gut out of myself both being with her and gaming/watching streams. It was rough, but it had to be done.

As a result, I never had time to hate her, though she had a lot of time to hate me. If anything, I'm grateful she become my catalyst for being here today!

[30_yrs_of_gaming]

@Vera, I'm a little over a week into my detox atm. :)

[Vera]

@Ikar your story is a sad one. But you are alone now and you have all your time to improve. If anything is positive about being single, it is freedom from worries and overthinking. I appreciate that. 

[Vera]

I was outside for pretty much all day. I don't like sun baths so I was sitting comfortably in a house and knitted for quite a while, waiting for the sun to calm down a bit. I was in charge of the BBQ today, and it went well. Meat and fish were both tasty, I had a bit of fun with my family, but I was bored in the evening. Watered plants, helped here and there, watched yt, listened to the audiobook Im trying to finish for quite some time. Nice day. No gaming related content, no urges.

[Vera]

Went to the gym and did my usual workout. It was fun, but hot weather feels even in air conditioned rooms. I was weaker today, probably because I spent quite a lot of my strength on 40 min cardio. I'll try to do cardio after weightlifting, it might be a nice change to my routine. I'm starting to feel lonely and it drags me down. I am at a weird spot right now, I'd like to find a boyfriend, but doing so requires putting myself out there and I'm not that confident. It's complicated because I feel like I have a lot of things to deal with before I'll be good enough to actually start trying. 

[Vera]

I am in a bad mood today. I woke up feeling absolutely broken not only because I'm sore after workout, but because I can't bring myself to do anything. I spent some time reading my diary and I mentioned being tired in almost every entry. I sleep well, but I still feel tired. I tried to do something with my hair, do a simple hairstyle, but gave up because I couldn't do it properly. I stopped studying at the same level I used to, I was able to do two hours of coding after a whole day at work, I don't do that anymore. 

My first step is to actually start taking vitamins and see if that helps. Maybe some sleep is also good, but I doubt that. 

[Sapuverell]

37 minutes ago, Vera said:

I am in a bad mood today. I woke up feeling absolutely broken not only because I'm sore after workout, but because I can't bring myself to do anything. I spent some time reading my diary and I mentioned being tired in almost every entry. I sleep well, but I still feel tired. I tried to do something with my hair, do a simple hairstyle, but gave up because I couldn't do it properly. I stopped studying at the same level I used to, I was able to do two hours of coding after a whole day at work, I don't do that anymore. 

My first step is to actually start taking vitamins and see if that helps. Maybe some sleep is also good, but I doubt that. 

Look that your body is well and create some space in your head. Feeling the same way as you do and this helped me right now. Massage in the morning and now some silent hours in my room alone. 

[Vera]

I went to the gym today and had a really good workout. My mood instantly improved, I even enjoyed the day until it was time to discuss certain things with my family member. I couldn’t care less about it, but constant, day to day talking and planning and dwelling on it makes me cringy and irritated. Why should I constantly pay for what I don’t need? It makes our relationship so artificial, I sometimes think that she prefers the thing to me and it makes me sad, anxious and tired. I’m having a hard time fighting for myself, trying to keep going, to not fail whatever I still have, I just don’t have enough energy to care about her plans, especially when it’s simply forced upon me and I give up because it’s easier and she stops poking me with a stick once she can have what she wants. She says that she does it for all of us, but I don't enjoy it at all. And she doesn’t even understand that I agree not because I really want to do the same thing, but because I want her to leave me alone. So I’m tired and sad again, but I had a smile on my face for some time and I consider this a win.

[Vera]

I finally got 500 points in Forest. Time to buy a new tree and aim for another 500 points!