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Paul A.

Anger

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Anger is somewhat of an issue for me. I've never been the most levelheaded person I know, but mostly because I tend to screw around a whole lot. But last week, I guess something snapped. I was playing a football game as part of an after-school club, and I was running the ball. Unfortunately, I got the ball stripped, and the other team scored. I understand that everyone makes mistakes, but many people find it amusing to put me down for my shortcomings, and this blatant failure, culminating with my frequent bullying at school, was too much for me, and I proceeded to throw any object I could find, from soccer cones to rocks. Of course everyone told me to chill out our something like that, and I was given time to cool down, but over time I managed to get more upset. Playing a game of catch (somehow) calmed me down. But today, I played yet ANOTHER football game, with similar results. I kept dropping the ball when it was handed to me, and naturally everyone started getting on my case for it, and I lost my temper and flung my glasses against the wall. As is with the natural order, my glasses broke, or, rather, the lens popped out, and I spent time searching for them. I probably would have been in some trouble, but luckily my coach came to the rescue and (more or less) fixed them for me, but he also gave me a talk about controlling my anger. My dad also gave some advice, which was worded rather strangely: ' It's not like throwing your glasses against the wall will make those people suffer.' Okay, Dad... Anyhow, it doesn't really have to do anything with gaming, but I just thought I would share, and maybe get some help...?

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I had anger problems growing up. The emotion would consume me, and I would do bad things I never would have done if I wasn't angry. 

You need to realize that your actions hurt and scare away others. Yes, you are mad. Yes, you feel wronged. But in that moment you need to be conscious of the non angry real you and your real goals. You won't feel them, but, logically you can observe your true selfs morals, friends and goals. 

So yeah youre mad, but that doesn't mean you will like the consequences of destroying your friendships, your phone, or your family's trust in you. Try to be aware of your triggers. What makes you mad? Notice when those things start happening. You're playing a sport, you gotta prepare mentally for the anger and know that it will go away, and if you get too angry excuse yourself from the group to calm down.

A football player girl friend of mine practices flexing all of her muscles in her body and relaxing them all at once(to calm down outside of games at least) She has anger problems on the field. I could ask her some tips for during games?

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Anger is somewhat of an issue for me. I've never been the most levelheaded person I know, but mostly because I tend to screw around a whole lot. But last week, I guess something snapped. I was playing a football game as part of an after-school club, and I was running the ball. Unfortunately, I got the ball stripped, and the other team scored. I understand that everyone makes mistakes, but many people find it amusing to put me down for my shortcomings, and this blatant failure, culminating with my frequent bullying at school, was too much for me, and I proceeded to throw any object I could find, from soccer cones to rocks. Of course everyone told me to chill out our something like that, and I was given time to cool down, but over time I managed to get more upset. Playing a game of catch (somehow) calmed me down. But today, I played yet ANOTHER football game, with similar results. I kept dropping the ball when it was handed to me, and naturally everyone started getting on my case for it, and I lost my temper and flung my glasses against the wall. As is with the natural order, my glasses broke, or, rather, the lens popped out, and I spent time searching for them. I probably would have been in some trouble, but luckily my coach came to the rescue and (more or less) fixed them for me, but he also gave me a talk about controlling my anger. My dad also gave some advice, which was worded rather strangely: ' It's not like throwing your glasses against the wall will make those people suffer.' Okay, Dad... Anyhow, it doesn't really have to do anything with gaming, but I just thought I would share, and maybe get some help...?

Hey Paul.

I understand your struggle.Anger is a dangerous emotion cause we cant control our actions or use reason while we are furious.

If you want to place your anger under control there are experts or articles who know a lot more about the subject than I do.

But let me share some of my thoughts with your regardless, maybe they will help you maybe they wont.

It's interesting how you pointed out the triggers of your anger.You have to understand that you are not angry at the other people for picking on you. You are angry at yourself for supposedly failing and doing something wrong.In this particular scenario you said you got striped of the ball.

When we fall or fail there are 2 routes we can take.We can either get mad at ourselves and think "how could I allow this to happen?How could I drop the ball in such a clutch moment? I failed ..". This attitude is not natural!! The second attitude goes back to when you were a little kid and you fell out of a tree you didnt feel inadequate or lose your spirit,you just got back up more determined to climb that tree. Accept yourself UNCONDITIONALLY but still try to improve.Be COMPASSIONATE with yourself when you fail or come sort, cause it's normal and happens to everyone!!Lebron James has given his all and he still comes short .He's won 2 Championships in 6 finals .But he is still one of the greatest players ever to play the game.

Thomas Edison was trying to find materials for the light bulb and he "failed" thousands of times.

You know what he said? "I Have found 10.000 ways that didnt work"

 

.You should only regard your own opinion and not of others.You were mad cause you were too hard on yourself not because others picked on you. Do not pay attention to what other people think or say.

 

Perhaps you are very talented player in soccer and you are just not used to the responsibility at clutch moments.You may be an expert at soccer but you have to improve  in handling the key momments.At least you have taken 1-2 chances on your back , maybe you droped the ball but that's allright.Learn from those experiences and you will do better next time.Keep taking the ball at key momments and be ok with any outcome , wether you score or you lose the ball again it doesnt matter.What matters is that you are ok with yourself either way and you keep learning from these situations

And remember, a mistake that we learn from is not really a mistake.

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Anger is indeed an issue for most people. 

But anger is generally triggered by fear or stress.

Take a deep breath, relax and ask yourself. Deep down. What do you fear ? 

Do you fear that people reject you for not beign good enough ? Do you fear of what the future might hold ? A lot of people won't admit that they fear and will become angry instead. I personnaly believe that fear is not bad at all. Even thought we don't feel good when we are scared,it is one of those "pure" emotions in a way. Just acknowledging that we fear and letting the emotion come and go trough you, is a great way to calm ourselves and not become angry.

Remember, it is not because you feel someway that you have to loose yourself to that emotion. You can instead, just observe this emotion inside of you without falling to it.

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Of course everyone told me to chill out our something like that, and I was given time to cool down, but over time I managed to get more upset.

Paul. I'll tell you what I wish someone had told me when I was young. Anger is good. 

The right response is not to "chill", that basically means stop being angry, stop caring, stop acknowledging your passion for a better world and a better you. You may as well be told to curl up and die. Of course you only got more upset! You were sitting on a wealth of empowerment and told it was bad. Unfortunately, that rhetoric is everywhere despite of how healthy anger is. Anger, like happiness, is a positive emotion that brings optimism and a sense that we can influence our world. Anger tells us that we can overcome the thing that angers us. In your case, anger was telling you that you can overcome failure and mockery. 

However, though anger is positive, it's not always rational. Unguided anger sees the most immediate and simple solution as the best one. Thus, though you could use that anger to fuel your ongoing after game practice, you took the most obvious solution of throwing things around. In the short term, this strategy worked. People probably stopped mocking you and you blocked out your embarrassment. In the long term, you only trained a shitty short-sighted anger response that actually robs you of the potential good your anger can bring.

So, fuck counting to ten, fuck deep breathing, and fuck all other distracter tasks. Look at why you're angry and what long term benefits you can achieve if you channel your anger appropriately. Write it down, rate your anger, write your plan, and revisit the issue when your thinking clears. Your not trying to not be angry. You're trying to use a valuable resource wisely.

Anger can be the fuel you channel to bring change. Or, it can be the fuel you use to burn bridges and burn out.

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