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"Normal" no more

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Good evening - 1/90,

The last journals didn't have the same goal as this one, and I haven't postet in a while, so I thought it'd be great to start a new journal. This time I'll focus on living an authentic life as myself, with all my flaw, strengths, etc.

I've watched JP Sears' last Webinar today and I was surprised about how a comedian can be soo damn wise. Especially the part about hiding your true self, just to fit into the herd and being accepted by other and the question that followed: "When you're acting normal, you're protecting yourself from what feeling?" - for me, it's feeling lonely. But that probably is what causes my loneliness. Just think about it: when I went to sword training, there was no way of hiding who I really was - because the fact alone that I was there made me "a weird person", there was no point in hiding it. When I didn't have the time anymore (luckily from next week on, I'll have time to go train again) I lost part of my authenticity and with stopping to draw it was pretty much all gone. I started to go back to the way I was before - good at school, but other than that, a totally normal person, disconnected from myself, trying to fit in, by caring about things like getting a girlfriend, not getting in a fight with members of my project groups if they didn't work anything and instead just doing the work myself, spending the rest of the day at home instead of exploring the world through the lens of my camera, last time I caught myself checking if nobody was around before doing my basic workout in the forest - the kind of person I never wanted to be: boring.

So, for the next 90 days, I'll try to find back to myself, and not hiding behind the "your average guy"-mask anymore.


- I finished the first assignment and from tomorrow on, I'll work on the 3D assignment - which I'm hyped about, because I finally can focus purely on that.
- Additionally I wrote down a character sheet for my next character design and I'm thinking about asking a colleague from uni if he want's to co-author a co-op game story - where each of us would write one of the characters because both of us liked writing, but neither took the time for it in the past months.
- Tomorrow I'll also use my afternoon break to either start sketching the character design or grab my camera and visit the zoo.

Edited by Philipp
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Day 2/90,

I started the second assignment today, so for the next few days I'm going to work on 3D sculpting a character. A fellow student will give me his recordings from the 3D classes tomorrow, because I found, that my notes alone weren't enough - and yes, I asked for help instead of fighting through the problem by myself.

I also had the whole kitchen for myself today - so I decided to cook something fancy. Spend 2 hours in the kitchen and made lentils with bacon and pork chops. There's only one word that describes the taste: DELICIOUS.

Helped another student with a programming assignment. Which is funny, because normally he's one of the guys who get programming and I'm the one having no clue how to do it.

Anyways, I also took some time for myself and started working on the character drawing. Tried to push myself and used 3-point perspective and a slight top-down view on the character - total brainfuck - so much to think about. Will post a picture once I've finished the sketch.

And I chatted with my brother - even got him to write full sentences (normally it's just yes, no, mhhm)

Oh, and before I forget, I'll start a daily gratitude list again:

 - my brother
 - getting the 3D software working
 - LENTILS with BACON!!!
 - a VERY fluffy blanket
 - guitar music

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On 1/26/2019 at 4:59 PM, Philipp said:

So, for the next 90 days, I'll try to find back to myself, and not hiding behind the "your average guy"-mask anymore.


A noble pursuit! Good luck!

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Day 4,

Tomorrow is the last exam of this semester. It's on of those weird ones, that you don't really know what to learn. So I went through the whole presentations once more and worked through the exams from the last years.  Additionally I've helped out some some class mates if they didn't understand something - seems to have helped me to make it stay in my brain too.

Work on the 3d assignment is making progress - not as fast as I'd hoped, but I'll just have to keep it up - I've talked to some of my classmates and compared to some of them I'm quite far it seems 😕

The last 2 days I didn't feel that good - stomach ache 😧 sucked but I'm feeling good again

I also continued working on the character design - it's looking good so far, so next step will be to make a real drawing out of the sketch and then I'm totally gonna write a short story with the character as protagonist. SOOOOOO hyped for that.

Challenges to face the next few days:
 - exam tomorrow
 - birthday party of a friend on Saturday (looking forward towards meeting a few friends of mine again - though anxious because there'll be a lot of strangers there)

Now I have to get back to learning and maybe take a walk


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@Brian Thx, hmmm I don't know if it's noble or anything but if more people would show their real personality, skills or whatever the world would be a richer place - because I believe everyone has something unique to gift to the world. And it seems that the unique traits are those that connect people. For instance, I drove someone home today and during driving we got to talk about storytelling and I told him about the story I'm currently writing (which is something I NEVER wanted people to know about, since a lot of people think if you're not a best selling Autor it's weird to even try…… that's actually what someone who saw one of my earliest stories said). Turns out he plans out stories for self made minecraft maps and everyone was hooked to hear about the other's stuff.
But it doesn't even have to be something like art or anything - if you're a history-fanatic, great with dogs, or whatever that's something only YOU bring to the table - so why not show it.

@Lea Thx, maybe it helped and it actually turns out to be a positive grade. The questions were destroying. Coding in C++ but with pen and paper. 😕 

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Hey guys,

I think it's time for an update. Life's going quite good. Finished all open assignments yesterday. The next weeks will be waaaay less stressful.
Two weeks ago I went skiing (the outtime from working on schoolprojects really saved me - I felt like I was going nuts after days of getting up, working, going to sleep) and lived with some friends for a few days. Already happy to see them again soon.

I already started forming a group for next semester's big media project. I'm soo much earlier than normal and HYPED to start working on it. Also I'll do some (paid in food) stuff for my Cousine.

Other than that, I'm still drawing and writing (will share my newest very-short story below).

Also, I've decided to start actively making decisions and taking initiative more in my life, instead of just going with the flow, as long as it doesn't go exactly the other direction as I want.


And here's my Very-Shortstory:

The fires of War

My breath standing in front of me like a wall of fog slowly drifting away. In the distant, flames are slowly crawling up the valley. The warm reflection on the snow would give quite a sight, but there’s no time for looking. Just running, one feet in front of the other. Jumping over bodies, swords and sometimes feeling the painful sensation of an arrowhead piercing into my bare soles. “Easy Money” they promised - Only idiots would fall for that. Immediately I start laughing. Pickpocketing some noble at the market, that’s easy. Getting them to give up their belongings, especially their fancy armor, after they got slaughtered turned out to be harder. As the stonewall in front of me starts to come closer a slim dark hole in it becomes visible. Not entirely dark, there’s a faint glimmer inside. Someone made it back before me. I just hope this someone already started preparing stew. With that thought I hear a deep growling. I look down on my stomach. No, that aint the source of the sound. Driven by instinct I instead turn my head back and stare into the sky. A black shadow moves in the clouds. I drop everything. My feet become faster. Left, right, left, right...

The growling gets louder. Only a few meters to the stonewall now. “The Gate! Lower that goddamned gate!” Luckily, they hear me. Not so lucky, the someone stands besides the gate lever… and doesn’t waste a second. Instantly the glimmering hole becomes a grey wall. And on that grey wall my silhouette appears, surrounded by a red shine, until there is nothing left, that could cast a shadow.

And so, the fires of war devoured another life.

Let me know what you think of it.

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Hey, some days have past since last entry.

For the last week I've taken an important decision that I should have made some time ago. I decided to hang my Sword on the wall. Since I've got classes nearly only in the evenings, I can't attend Sword Training (again) so I'll set my Focus to climbing (especially bouldering) and Parkour - which is waaaay more flexible because I can Train in the morning.

I'm also back to being quite comfortable with who I am. Since I'm constantly trying to improve myself in art, school and sports I finally got rid of the feeling of not accomplishing anything in my life again.

And even my social life is having a Comeback. Found a few People to boulder with (even someone I've normally nearly no contact with), I've met with some Friends and I've spent more time than ever with my flatmates.

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It's a mixture of feeling like shit and enjoying life at the moment. On the one side, I am crushing it at university at the moment. Currently working on a UI-Design assignment where we have to analyse Steam and redesign the desktop app. I really enjoy working on it. Considering what features would be great to have access to with one click, which aren't that important and can be hidden in a sub-menu and which type of interactive elements could be used to spare place while not interferring with functionality. Also beat the last "1" and "2" routes in my bouldering gym this weekend, at which the whole group I boulder with was stuck for about 2 weeks now and I also sent some 3s. My fingers looked like crap afterwards - skin hanging off, blood dripping from one finger - but i went beyond my limits and I'm proud of myself.

Furthermore I'm trying to be more social than I've ever been. I'm even spending time with my flatmates. We watch movies in the evenings, go climbing together a few times a week and we even started sharing meals. But at the same time I'm feeling more isolated than ever. My best friend's got less and less time now, that he has a boyfriend, with quitting the HEMA-club I've trained with for over a year, I've lost most people who understood me and the few people I meet up with from time to time live half-a-days journey away.
I got invited to join some fellow students for lunch and beer on Tuesday, so I'll see how that goes.

Also tried online dating again. But most women I wrote with either are boring people following mainstream culture or very self centered.

To wrap it up, I think I'm just not made for being social. Maybe I should just quit trying and enjoy solitude. I mean, people say I'm insane for a reason - even in the bouldering group. I'm the one who keeps coming back to hard routes, that none of us can do on the first try, and therefore I often end up solo-training for a while, while the others move on.

So, with that said, I'm closing this VERY self centered journal entry. Good night everyone.

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Hey! I love the idea of this journal.

I feel like discovering your own sense of what it means to be your authentic self is extremely important, especially in the modern day. 

It seems like you enjoy writing, have you heard of 200 words a day before? It's an online community of writers. Some write every day, some once a week, some whenever they feel like it. It's something I've been meaning to get involved with, as I'd love to write fantasy, but I spend so much of my day already writing blog posts/articles, that I don't want to weigh myself down too much!

I'm still yet to manage a v3 in my bouldering gym, but I'm coming closer and closer to it. I think it's more a lack of technique than anything else, but as you mentioned, it's just perseverance. 

It's great to hear that university is going well, but from personal experience, I'd try to avoid going off completely alone. I know that the temptation is there to go off on your own and do things your way, but we need human contact. I noticed that when I spent extended periods of time on my own, I convinced myself that I was better than everyone. That what I thought was the only right way to think. I became bitter, and looking back I really hate the person that I became.

Everyone is different, and maybe what you need is some time alone. The only thing you can do is experiment, but try not to drive people away that are a part of your life. You might regret it in the future.

Best of luck to you, I look forward to hearing about the rest of your journey!

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