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"Normal" no more

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Good evening - 1/90,

The last journals didn't have the same goal as this one, and I haven't postet in a while, so I thought it'd be great to start a new journal. This time I'll focus on living an authentic life as myself, with all my flaw, strengths, etc.

I've watched JP Sears' last Webinar today and I was surprised about how a comedian can be soo damn wise. Especially the part about hiding your true self, just to fit into the herd and being accepted by other and the question that followed: "When you're acting normal, you're protecting yourself from what feeling?" - for me, it's feeling lonely. But that probably is what causes my loneliness. Just think about it: when I went to sword training, there was no way of hiding who I really was - because the fact alone that I was there made me "a weird person", there was no point in hiding it. When I didn't have the time anymore (luckily from next week on, I'll have time to go train again) I lost part of my authenticity and with stopping to draw it was pretty much all gone. I started to go back to the way I was before - good at school, but other than that, a totally normal person, disconnected from myself, trying to fit in, by caring about things like getting a girlfriend, not getting in a fight with members of my project groups if they didn't work anything and instead just doing the work myself, spending the rest of the day at home instead of exploring the world through the lens of my camera, last time I caught myself checking if nobody was around before doing my basic workout in the forest - the kind of person I never wanted to be: boring.

So, for the next 90 days, I'll try to find back to myself, and not hiding behind the "your average guy"-mask anymore.


- I finished the first assignment and from tomorrow on, I'll work on the 3D assignment - which I'm hyped about, because I finally can focus purely on that.
- Additionally I wrote down a character sheet for my next character design and I'm thinking about asking a colleague from uni if he want's to co-author a co-op game story - where each of us would write one of the characters because both of us liked writing, but neither took the time for it in the past months.
- Tomorrow I'll also use my afternoon break to either start sketching the character design or grab my camera and visit the zoo.

Edited by Philipp
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Day 2/90,

I started the second assignment today, so for the next few days I'm going to work on 3D sculpting a character. A fellow student will give me his recordings from the 3D classes tomorrow, because I found, that my notes alone weren't enough - and yes, I asked for help instead of fighting through the problem by myself.

I also had the whole kitchen for myself today - so I decided to cook something fancy. Spend 2 hours in the kitchen and made lentils with bacon and pork chops. There's only one word that describes the taste: DELICIOUS.

Helped another student with a programming assignment. Which is funny, because normally he's one of the guys who get programming and I'm the one having no clue how to do it.

Anyways, I also took some time for myself and started working on the character drawing. Tried to push myself and used 3-point perspective and a slight top-down view on the character - total brainfuck - so much to think about. Will post a picture once I've finished the sketch.

And I chatted with my brother - even got him to write full sentences (normally it's just yes, no, mhhm)

Oh, and before I forget, I'll start a daily gratitude list again:

 - my brother
 - getting the 3D software working
 - LENTILS with BACON!!!
 - a VERY fluffy blanket
 - guitar music

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On 1/26/2019 at 4:59 PM, Philipp said:

So, for the next 90 days, I'll try to find back to myself, and not hiding behind the "your average guy"-mask anymore.


A noble pursuit! Good luck!

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Day 4,

Tomorrow is the last exam of this semester. It's on of those weird ones, that you don't really know what to learn. So I went through the whole presentations once more and worked through the exams from the last years.  Additionally I've helped out some some class mates if they didn't understand something - seems to have helped me to make it stay in my brain too.

Work on the 3d assignment is making progress - not as fast as I'd hoped, but I'll just have to keep it up - I've talked to some of my classmates and compared to some of them I'm quite far it seems 😕

The last 2 days I didn't feel that good - stomach ache 😧 sucked but I'm feeling good again

I also continued working on the character design - it's looking good so far, so next step will be to make a real drawing out of the sketch and then I'm totally gonna write a short story with the character as protagonist. SOOOOOO hyped for that.

Challenges to face the next few days:
 - exam tomorrow
 - birthday party of a friend on Saturday (looking forward towards meeting a few friends of mine again - though anxious because there'll be a lot of strangers there)

Now I have to get back to learning and maybe take a walk


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@Brian Thx, hmmm I don't know if it's noble or anything but if more people would show their real personality, skills or whatever the world would be a richer place - because I believe everyone has something unique to gift to the world. And it seems that the unique traits are those that connect people. For instance, I drove someone home today and during driving we got to talk about storytelling and I told him about the story I'm currently writing (which is something I NEVER wanted people to know about, since a lot of people think if you're not a best selling Autor it's weird to even try…… that's actually what someone who saw one of my earliest stories said). Turns out he plans out stories for self made minecraft maps and everyone was hooked to hear about the other's stuff.
But it doesn't even have to be something like art or anything - if you're a history-fanatic, great with dogs, or whatever that's something only YOU bring to the table - so why not show it.

@Lea Thx, maybe it helped and it actually turns out to be a positive grade. The questions were destroying. Coding in C++ but with pen and paper. 😕 

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