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Philipp

Just venting

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Hey everybody - I'm just venting stuff here, so don't expect this to be a constructive post,

It's not really a relapse to playing videogames but rather just being overwhelmed by stress, anxiety and I'm kinda back to being a loner. So here're the most important fuck ups of the last few months that eventually lead to this moment:

It began half a year ago when school started to take away so much of my freetime that I had to give up my favourite hobby for the semester - which meant about 90 % of my social life killed 😕

My best friend lives too far away and other than him I'm basically on my own. Thought I got along with two colleagues from uni quite good - but it turned out they just teamed up because I was starting to get the reputation of being "intelligent and driven" and they needed someone who did most of the work for the school project. Screw 'em.  Then social anxiety kicked back in a few weeks later.

The second project group I'm currently in I quite like - they share some interests and we all work hard. But other than what's necessary for the project I can't even  get myself to ask them if they want to do stuff together (like going to the cinema or anything)

My bestie told me to try out online dating because I hate parties (obviously), never had a girlfriend and I don't get out that often. Let me just say - I actually went on a date - it was awkward as hell. So that didn't help either.

The one thing that kept me together was drawing - because I could deal with my feelings by putting stuff on paper. A few weeks back exams started - so instead of using that little freetime I have on drawing I use it on learning. Which pretty much destroyed me - anxiety of failure and being forever alone got a tight grip around my thoughts and prevented me from actually starting the last two assignments for this semester - I just can't get myself to do it 😧

Tried to make a first step into the right direction by just not caring about school stuff today - the time would have been lost anyway just staring at the assignment or ending up watching Netflix - so I grabbed my stuff and went training in the snow and currently I'm baking bread - for whatever reason (I guess just to do something different). In the evening I'll try to get at least a part of one assignment done.

Additionally I'm getting 22 years old next week - which means going home for a few days 😕 maybe I should just stay at my place and not go home - my brother would probably be pissed but at least I wouldn't have to "celebrate" my birthday or be asked if I already have a girlfriend, being told to at least smile when other people are around, being looked at weird when gesture drawing - omg NUDE REFERENCE FOTOS - as if not every person had a body, or being called a drunk when drinking a glass of wine (totally my favourite line) 

You've been warned that this would be me venting stuff 😕

 

So what's the point of this post - seriously, I've no idea, but I guess I'll be back to writing a journal from now on (helped last time - so worth a try).

Anyways, I'm off to bread for today. (see what I did there?)

bye


EDIT few hours after raging around, baking bread and 2 training session on one day:

I actually got the first half of one of the assignments done within hours - i'm quite proud of myself.

Also baking really helped bring my confidence in myself back in some weird way - it's something I've never done before and turned out quite good.

Edited by Philipp
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Hi Philipp!

Dont be hard on yourself. Its okay to be alone. It's not the end of the world. You will learn how to be on your own. I'm always alone and my friends are away but that's okay. You have time to learn about yourself  a lot and this will help you in future and in hard time!  If some people dont want to be with you fuck them. Just be best version of yourself and right people will pop up. 

Edited by katsudo19
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@katsudo19 thx, yeah you're right - I shouldn't give it that much thought and rather focus on myself again. I've beaten my anxiety once, so maybe it will be easier this time 🤷‍♂️

 

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Hello Philipp, I hope you're feeling better after a few days. 

I want to underline that it's normal for things to be awkward when you start something new. It's normal for you to even suck at something, if you want to use that word, whatever that is, when it's something you don't already know. When we were babies we fell down numerous times as we tried to walk, but we only learned to walk through this process of stumbling and falling down aka 'repeated failure'. Since you do art, you might have heard that famous quote by someone important, that everyone has 10,000 bad drawings in them, so we have to get them out of our system first before the good drawings will come out. Well, it's the same with any other activity, dating and friends too.

Regarding your home situation, I'd suggest you write down pros and cons to figure out if, for you, the good stuff outweigh the bad stuff. Only go to your home if it's a net positive, I'd say. 

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Hey fawn,

Thx, yeah, I'm actually feeling alright again and honestly, I'm sort of glad I noticed I'm failing myself, before reaching rock bottom. I now know at least part of why I'm where I am right now and can take steps in the right direction.

BTW: love your 10.000 bad drawings quote ♥️ Just never thought about it in terms of socializing.

Edited by Philipp
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