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JustTom

JustTom's 30-Day Challenge Journal

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Hello hello! 

This is my third journal, this time dedicated to my 30-Day Challenge. I've been gaming hardcore for the past 3 weeks due to my traditional christmas relapse. I'm not quite done gaming yet, but I'm slowly crawling my way out of the hole so I'm pulling the trigger on the challenge since there is exactly a month left until my internship starts. I've been planning to do this for a long time and now I have the perfect opportunity because my thesis internship begins in february so I have no job and no school planned for a month. 

The 30-Day Challenge:
    - Go to the gym EVERY DAY
    - Go out EVERY DAY

Simple enough. By going out I mean doing game. The good kind. Any events, parties, dates, or just street approaching for at least an hour. If somebody reading this is wtf-ing or cringing in their head, HERE is a good introduction to what this is. Social skill is a skill like any other and needs to be practiced if one wants to achieve results. I have not been in an environment where it comes naturally so I need to step up myself and GIT GUD. As papa Tyler says, the only thing creepier than learning game is not learning game. I think for some people it's a controversial topic, but if you don't agree with this, just keep it to yourself please 😁 

This challenge absolutely will require a lot of effort, overcoming resistance and willpower, BUT it is also something I am very passionate about and actually love doing. Which is in direct contrast to my university at this stage of my life, where I have to push myself to do something I don't really like and even hate at times. 

I am not only confident I can do it but I also think it is the most valuable thing to do in my life currently. I won't delve into my personal life too much but due to my environment, I haven't had much romantic contact and haven't developed my social capabilities until I was 23. In the past few years I've realized how much I've damaged myself by desexualizing and how much I actually value romantic contact. I've always seen great potential in myself, but because I've never really had a good opportunity(time-wise) to SERIOUSLY get into it instead of dabbling every two weeks, I've been quite sexually frustrated for a long time except occasional lucky results. Finding an amazing girlfriend is my longterm goal and the only way to achieve it is to practice, as with anything in life. Furthermore, in every period(albeit short ones) in my life that I WAS actively going out to game, weak entertainment such as video games or youtube completely ceased to exist without even trying. I will therefore not focus on 'detoxing', but rather have it naturally fade away and then continue a detox with a counter in february. 

Mentoring/coaching is an important aspect for success, but I'm hoping I can find skilled guys that will see my dedication and passion and will be willing to help. If not, I will consider paying for some form of coaching(these things are pretty expensive). 

The daily structure allows me 5-8 hours of work even if I push it really hard. In order to have somewhat-consistent sleep, I've decided to have a nightly schedule, in which I will be waking up at around noon every day, so that even if I'm out very late, I can still get in 7 hours of sleep. And if it's one of the day game days, I will just work until ~4am and get up at 12 to stay on schedule. Despite the relapsing and occasional depression, I still consider sleep to have been my biggest problem so I will be having an aide to call me in the morning in case of oversleeping again. I'll be easing into it gradually during the first week. 

I will update here daily, but I'll probably be brief most of the time unless I have some personal-development insight that I want to share. 

Going to the gym right now after writing this post to kick things off. Let's go!

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Haha, thats the spirit! Hope it will not fade away. I am just wondering, if you are going to gym daily, will you be focusing on one group of muscles(for example: like today chest muscles, tomorrow arm muscles and so on) or will you be training of all muscle groups in one day(chest, legs, arms, back, cardio in one day)?

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1 hour ago, Gaming Zombie said:

Haha, thats the spirit! Hope it will not fade away. I am just wondering, if you are going to gym daily, will you be focusing on one group of muscles(for example: like today chest muscles, tomorrow arm muscles and so on) or will you be training of all muscle groups in one day(chest, legs, arms, back, cardio in one day)?

Focused on muscle parts definitely. That's the way to go even if you don't train every day. Maximum I've done personally is 5 days per week, but I don't feel like going every day is a problem. I got 4 types of days: chest+triceps, back+biceps, shoulders(this is the shortest workout) and the infamous leg day. If you just go through them sequentially, each part will have 3 days of rest, which is plenty. 

I only slept like 3 hours due to gaming till 6 am and having to wake up at 9 so I almost threw up in the gym after not working out for 2 weeks, but hey, I did it! The hardest part is to start 😄 I'm finally going to be super active on the forum as I used to always be. This was the worst relapse since december 2017, but I think I'm ready to move on now. 

Also, welcome to the forum! I see many new users on the block, maybe because of new years resolutions haha. 

Edited by JustTom

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I don't know about the hardest part. For me personally, it comes after 4 to 5 days, because all motivation and energy from the first day goes away! Anyways, fix your sleeping regime, control diet and don't skip the legs day! Most "satisfying" part in gym. 😁 You want to impress new girls with big calf muscles 😏.

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30-Day Challenge Day 1

I met up with friends from school so I will count that as going out just this one time because I was unbelievably tired after working out on 3 hours of sleep AND it was late AND it was the first day AND it was socially important to show up since one of our friends will be leaving more-or-less forever. 

Today is day 2 and because I went to bed quite early(1am is early for me at this point lmao), I managed to get up at 9 and start functioning. I'm gonna reply to e-mails and go straight to the gym again. 

10 hours ago, Silverlining said:

Glad to have you back! Good luck this time😃

Thank you! Good luck to you too! I haven't been following your journal while I was gaming 12 hours per day, but I'll get to it soon! 🙂

13 hours ago, Gaming Zombie said:

I don't know about the hardest part. For me personally, it comes after 4 to 5 days, because all motivation and energy from the first day goes away! Anyways, fix your sleeping regime, control diet and don't skip the legs day! Most "satisfying" part in gym. 😁 You want to impress new girls with big calf muscles 😏.

Muscles are more for impressing myself rather than girls, but yeah 😄 I don't like leg day because it's the most exhausting one for me. It's the only day of the three that I sweat in the gym. Ew. I'll do it though, at least this month ha. 

Edited by JustTom
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I started going to the gym too! 😄 In a couple months we'll be comparing abs pics ahah

I like this idea of the 30 days challenge. Also, the gym itself is probably a good place to get to know people and improve your social skills. Keep us updated on the game progress, the curious hearth-shaped bunny inside me wants to know it all ❤️  

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This is really interesting, in the sense that your approach now is to go after the stuff you love doing as opposed to a straight-up detox.

I wonder if that's what's been holding you back. You and I are very similar in our approaches and we started around the same time. But I know that you weren't really motivated by your university studies. Whereas I find a lot of purpose and excitement in my daily activities, so maybe I was unconsciously benefitting from that the way you're trying to consciously do now.

I still think you're probably better pairing this up with a proper detox, but I like the original approach you're taking with this. Clearly, something needed to change.

I'll keep the rest to myself as you asked 🙂

Also, it's been a few days. Update? Try to still do daily updates, even if short. I think it really helps. (although I should be talking, I've been very sporadic with mine recently)

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On 1/17/2019 at 10:46 PM, JustTom said:

Muscles are more for impressing myself rather than girls, but yeah 😄

That's the spirit!

Keep up with your goals. 😃

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Well, it's official. I'm a loser. I couldn't even go past day 2 before divulging into gaming 10 hours per day. Time to stop lying to myself. I've always imagined myself as someone who can achieve anything, who can conquer the world and get what he wants, IF ONLY I could conquer my daily habits, right? I am fully convinced I have the mentality of a winner. This is true. Why am I still a piece of shit? I'm just lazy. Honestly. I have been unable to get the most basic shit together that every other adult men have. I'm not a winner, I'm a loser. I'm a child in a man's body. I like sleeping more than creating things. I like playing games more than talking to people. I like to sit more than I like to move. Not that there is something in my personality that is making me that way, hell no. It's just who I have been choosing to be thus far. I've had periods of success, but in the longterm, my direction is a lonely, below-average never-ending midlife crisis life. Oh well. Today I've given away my mtg arena account that I've poured an entire month worth of life into. I am now unable to log into it or reset the password, and as it has been in the past with f2p games, I'm not willing to put in the time and effort to build it up from scratch, not even with my severe addiction. I'm going to the gym now. I'm not saying I'm back on track, I'm not saying I'm going to keep up now, I'm not saying I will re-start the challenge and succeed, I'm not saying I will actually get out of my bed tomorrow. I know I probably won't, but at this point, I don't give a shit. Whatever happens in my fucked up brain, happens. I can barely even recall the dreams I had, much less promise to strive for them. Might be too late anyways. I'll be 25 in a flash, jesus. Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things anyway. I'll just do whatever the fuck I feel like. Right now I feel like going to the gym. Will post in ~2 hours to confirm here that I went. 

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1 hour ago, JustTom said:

Well, it's official. I'm a loser. I couldn't even go past day 2 before divulging into gaming 10 hours per day. Time to stop lying to myself. I've always imagined myself as someone who can achieve anything, who can conquer the world and get what he wants, IF ONLY I could conquer my daily habits, right? I am fully convinced I have the mentality of a winner. This is true. Why am I still a piece of shit? I'm just lazy. Honestly. I have been unable to get the most basic shit together that every other adult men have. I'm not a winner, I'm a loser. I'm a child in a man's body. I like sleeping more than creating things. I like playing games more than talking to people. I like to sit more than I like to move. Not that there is something in my personality that is making me that way, hell no. It's just who I have been choosing to be thus far. I've had periods of success, but in the longterm, my direction is a lonely, below-average never-ending midlife crisis life. Oh well. Today I've given away my mtg arena account that I've poured an entire month worth of life into. I am now unable to log into it or reset the password, and as it has been in the past with f2p games, I'm not willing to put in the time and effort to build it up from scratch, not even with my severe addiction. I'm going to the gym now. I'm not saying I'm back on track, I'm not saying I'm going to keep up now, I'm not saying I will re-start the challenge and succeed, I'm not saying I will actually get out of my bed tomorrow. I know I probably won't, but at this point, I don't give a shit. Whatever happens in my fucked up brain, happens. I can barely even recall the dreams I had, much less promise to strive for them. Might be too late anyways. I'll be 25 in a flash, jesus. Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things anyway. I'll just do whatever the fuck I feel like. Right now I feel like going to the gym. Will post in ~2 hours to confirm here that I went. 

Hi, I suggest not to make false premises about yourself. Your willpower might be really weak right now. But you have SOME willpower.first of all try not to be too pessimistic about it. One of the traits that successful people have is self- pity. When you do something against your goals or you don't do what you were supposed to do the worst thing to do is to be mad/rude at yourself. Try to be nice. Say things like:

I'm sure you'll do better next time.

Whatever happens, I'm with you the whole time. (you talking to yourself)

Or We'll eventually go through the worst case scenario.

Nobody is eventually weak, and it's other people who try to make you believe that you are weak/A failure etc. What you need to do instead of being so mean to yourself is not to give a fuck about other people. 

Edited by killua145

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Hey Tom,

It's hard, I know that. The important thing is that you keep the momentum going, even with times of weakness/failures. As long as you keep consistently trying to stick to your plan/routine, you will achieve it what rewards that brings.

Your post got me thinking about an strategy I came across to replace willpower (as the author claimed that pure willpower rarely suffices for big changes in your life as these behaviours/habits/addictions are so deeply rooted in our lives). This is how it goes:

He calls it the why-power. Your why is the reason why you are doing/trying to do what you're doing. Here's what he wrote about it:

Spoiler

The power of your why is what gets you to stick through
the grueling, mundane, and laborious. All of the hows will be
meaningless until your whys are powerful enough. Until you’ve
set your desire and motivation in place, you’ll abandon any
new path you seek to better your life.

If your why-power—your desire—isn’t great enough, if the fortitude of your commitment
isn’t powerful enough, you’ll end up like every other person
who makes a New Year’s resolution and gives up too quickly
and reverts to sleepwalking through poor choices.

Let me give you an analogy to help bring it home:
If I were to put a ten-inch-wide, thirty-foot-long plank on the
ground and say, “If you walk the length of the plank, I’ll give
you twenty dollars,” would you do it? Of course, it’s an easy twenty bucks.

But what if I took that same plank and made a
roof-top “bridge” between two 100-story buildings? That same
twenty dollars for walking the thirty-foot plank no longer looks
desirable or even possible, does it? You’d look at me and say,
“Not on your life.” See Figure 7.


However, if your child was on the opposite building, and
that building was on fi re, would you walk the length of the
plank to save him? Without question and immediately—you’d
do it, twenty dollars or not.

Why is it that the first time I asked you to cross that skyhigh
plank, you said no way, yet, the second time you wouldn’t
hesitate? The risks and the dangers are the same. What changed?
Your why changed—your reason for wanting to do it.
You see,
when the reason is big enough, you will be willing to perform

image.png.9e8afe08348fe6a057f929478191a23b.png

 

Source: The Compound Effect, by Darren Hardy

Take your time and write down why you're wanting to do this. What your life will be like, if you succeed. Anything, any reason. If you want to prove that you can do this to someone, that might give you enough motivation do it. All of our whys are different.

Hopefully this helps. Take care.

- Jordi

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Updating here to confirm that I did go to the gym. Felt pretty good, lots of negative energy that I channeled into anger so lifting was fun. 

@arq @karabas @Lea @jsup @killua145 @info-gatherer thank you all for the support. I really do appreciate it and it helps to know that people genuinely care. I'll write back something more substantial once I sort out my thoughts, right now I'm in a weird mode. Maybe I've been watching too much Rick and Morty, but right now I'm feeling the same rick-like not giving a fuck about anything. Unfortunately, it's not coming from being able to travel through dimensions, but rather anger at my failures. Still, I'm gonna enjoy it for tonight. Gonna go out and talk to some strangers because why not. 

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30-Day Challenge Day 1

Okay, I guess I did it today! The challenge is re-started! I'm really not sure if I want to write about how it's actually going here since not only is this semi-public and my profile is not impossible to find for some of my friends, but also the community here is not exactly from the same world. So just the general gist for today is that I really just wanted to get out of the house and that's what I did. It was basically ultra-hard balls to the walls mode, because I went out alone AND in a depressed state AND I still felt cravings all the way through. I mean I thought about mtg while on the way lmao. So naturally, I was stifled to the maximum, but that's okay, I still kind of consider it a win. 

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Never give up.


You are where you are because of your past actions. Where you are tomorrow depends on what you do today. And tomorrow is coming, rapidly! If you feel like a loser now, changing what you do today will have a direct result in how you feel tomorrow.
 

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It's indeed a win!

I'm sure you know all these but I'm gonna say them anyway. The first few days can be hard, but you have done this before so it should be easier this time. Check in every day or multiple times a day. Make a plan. Avoid cramming before exams. Use Pomodoro. 

Don't push yourself too hard. Don't blame yourself for relapsing -- you were under a lot of stress at the end of the last semester. It was totally understandable.

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30-Day Challenge Day 2

I slept slept a long time and then just kind of did nothing by watching youtube etc. Early cravings are hitting super hard. If I still had my account, I would game 100% to ease the anxiety ha. Now it's ~5pm, I'm dressed and finally getting out of the house. Gym later in the evening as well. Maybe I'll even get some very light intro-studying done before bed if I feel like it. Emphasis on the if I feel like it part. 

I will post daily updates, even if very short. 

Evening update: Alriiiight I did it! I did it all today motherfuckaaaas! The challenge is online!~ I'm thinking about making the updates here EVEN shorter, which is unusual for me, and posting detailed versions on RSD forums maybe. Hm.

Edited by JustTom
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30-Day Challenge Day 3

Day 3 SUCCESSFUL! 

I've listened to this video while cooking and Tyler never ceases to blow my mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xf3W7IZFruE

Especially in the middle of it when he talks about success barriers and emotional addictions. In this context, I can totally find myself in it - being addicted to the emotion of failing, of relapsing, of being late, of slacking off. For my brain it feels like crack. This is my main success barrier - I am addicted to failing. And every time I make effort to change, the reason why I always fall back is exactly that - my old ego rebelling and convincing me that I can't succeed, I need a hit of those old emotions of misery and disappointment. I really don't want to go there anymore. But even as I'm typing this, I'm not at all convinced that I can do it. I would like to be, but I'm not. So what I want to do in the short future is get some small-ish wins. Get some successes under my belt so that the vision of success is closer to my cognitive reality. Intellectually, I know I can do anything. But when I'm in a bad state, I still know it but I can't FEEL it. As is the case right now. And when you're not 100% convinced that you can do it, then you're right. You can't do it. Anyways, rant over, I'm taking action. 

EDIT: Oh yeah, note on gaming: cravings are still pretty strong. Due to a video I've seen, I realized there is one account I have access to - starcraft 2. Because the multi-player is free to play and doesn't require any progression, I can always just hop in. So I've been really tempted to play the whole day, but in the end didn't. I have it installed though. Ehh.

Edited by JustTom
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Here's an insight from today. Not being able to try leads to a feeling of emptiness, hollowness, apathy. Not being able to try is like being dead inside. Trying hard? Makes you feel alive. However, trying hard and getting shut down/failing over and over again? That makes me feel alive, but with so much accompanying pain that I would rather not even live. That's it for today's late-night melancholy, I'm going to sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be at least slightly less agonizing. 

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8 hours ago, JustTom said:

Intellectually, I know I can do anything. But when I'm in a bad state, I still know it but I can't FEEL it. As is the case right now. And when you're not 100% convinced that you can do it, then you're right. You can't do it. Anyways, rant over, I'm taking action.

I think that we shouldn't care what we feel like at those moments. We feel a certain way as a result of what our actions have been telling ourselves until now. And that's where we should remember to have faith in the process that we know works. 

Thankfully our thoughts of ourselves aren't magical, they don't affect who we really are. You might think the worst about yourself, you might think you're a loser etc, but it still doesn't make it true. I'm a very emotional person but I learned the hard way that taking my feelings and accepting them as a reality and identity only made me feel and act worse.

So I'll disagree, when you're not 100% convinced you can do it, you still can do it. 

'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'
'That is the only time a man can be brave.'

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30-Day Challenge Days 4 & 5

I got bamboozled by the local gym, apparently during the weekend they close at 2pm, so I missed both days because I overslept haha. Eh, whatever. I'll make it up. 

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