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info-gatherer

It's never over. Another afterparty journal

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Thanks @Lea 🙂

Today I had two invitations to go out so I forced myself to accept one of them and I had dinner with people I don’t know. They’re much older than me but I really liked them, they impressed me so much. I wasn’t very talkative so I hope there will be another occasion to have them know me a little bit better.

Tomorrow I have another invitation by other people and right now I feel like I’m going to accept

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For the first time in a long while I’m considering going back to gaming. I love gaming and I miss it, I manage to waste my time anyways. I’d like to game in moderation, for example in the evening, since, again, I waste my evenings anyway.

I’m probably too scared to leap back in. I remember too well the self-loathing, the brain fog, the loss of control, the judgemental looks in the eyes of my loved ones, the missed opportunities, in a word: the effects of addiction.

There’s one million reasons why I shouldn’t go back, but at the same time I feel like I’d like to try moderation. But I really don’t want to face the consequences of it in the case I fail.

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On 2/6/2019 at 12:45 PM, info-gatherer said:

For the first time in a long while I’m considering going back to gaming. I love gaming and I miss it, I manage to waste my time anyways. I’d like to game in moderation, for example in the evening, since, again, I waste my evenings anyway.

I’m probably too scared to leap back in. I remember too well the self-loathing, the brain fog, the loss of control, the judgemental looks in the eyes of my loved ones, the missed opportunities, in a word: the effects of addiction.

There’s one million reasons why I shouldn’t go back, but at the same time I feel like I’d like to try moderation. But I really don’t want to face the consequences of it in the case I fail.

Hey, 

Don't fucking give up.  I'm telling you right now you're here for a fucking reason.  It's ok to waste your nights sometimes.  As game quitters, we feel the pressure to succeed and make progress in things at all hours of the day.  We need to do well at work, come home, eat as fast as possible, and play games to progress our characters, story lines, and exp rates.  We need to win and feel progress.  This isn't real.

We're not going to make progress each and every night.  That's why gaming made us sick.  We exhausted ourselves and didn't heal over time.  We kept trying to progress and it took a toll on our body and mind.  Quitting games is knowing that some nights are meant to relax.  Some nights you are allowed to do nothing.  If we want to do something, it's hard to start new things.  I really think you should take the time to find a large picture hobby and a few small picture ones.  I'm producing a full length cartoon from scratch as my main project.  I tried podcasting and didn't like it after a while.  I like to read sometimes, but not all the time, I like to cook, I like watching hockey all of the time, I watch a few cartoons, I write a lot, and I try to see friends.

This isn't the thing I'll be doing forever, but I'm trying to keep doing new things until I do find those things I love.  I still love the gym and yoga, but I haven't had time.  I'm determined to stay the course because I know gaming broke my heart and I know it broke yours too.

Remember the reasons you came here.  Write them down, print them out, and tape it to your wall. Treat yourself like a loved one.  If you saw your brother crying alone in his room and you asked why he was sad, and he says "I regret all of these things in my life because I gamed instead of lived.  I never gave myself the chance to do these things and I am suffering for x amount of reasons..."  What would you say?

I know you're hurting right now, but take 30 minutes to relax, go to bed and start again tomorrow.  Make a commitment to yourself this weekend to come up with a few long term and short term activities to try and jump into them.  Journal about them.

Don't go back.  Do not go back.  Do not give up on that spark inside of you.  We are game quitters, not life quitters.  Moderation does not work.  It will work temporarily and then you'll start to get happier the more you game and you're going to relapse back to where you were and potentially worse.  Don't you dare quit.  Don't fucking do it.

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Hey @BooksandTrees thanks, I appreciate it. I don’t lack things to do. I have plenty of work, I exercise, I read and watch movies, and I have this great hobby/obsession with electronic cigarettes. In general, in the last weeks/months, I also got back some of my lost confidence in my skills and professional future, so I started to see progress in my life... It’s just that, as you said, you cannot always be productive. There is downtimes, and I’d rather spend them playing videogames than surfing the net in my bed... That said, if I ever go back it has to be a rational decision. I don’t know, I’m just saying I’m considering it, weighing the pros and cons.

That said, I guess that normal people like to go out in the evening. In this period of my life I even have many invitations (well... many means 1 a week or so, which is a lot to me) but... sometimes it’s social anxiety, sometimes I’m just lazy, sometimes I’m busy, sometimes I don’t feel like spending the money and I don’t go... some other times I accept and I go... and I have a good time... but, and this is my main problem... I am really not able to feel a connection... I am glad for the nice conversation and everything but I feel alone all the time, even when I’m with people... even with nice, caring and intelligent people...  and when I’m back home I’m incredibly tired... As I said to silverlining a month ago, I think that my problem is the fact that I’m emotionally tired... whatever that means...

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I'm emotionally tired as well and it's just reinforced by failures and people exhausting me.  I am struggling to find out how to not be that way.  Like finding a natural way to be happy.

I know if I play video games again I'm going to give up on life and just be one of those people who plays 20 hours a day and hates everyone.  I can't do it.  I want to play so badly, but it's not for a quick fix.  I just miss those long, 4-16 hour binge sessions of feeling good.  Nothing in life is remotely close to that feeling.  Nothing legal anyways.  That's why I never want to try a drug.  I know I'd be hooked.

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Check out the book Mindset. One of the concepts in there is about the idea of a growth vs. fixed mindset. Right now you can see that you're focused on "well I am the way I am so I might as well go back to gaming" instead of "this is where I am and this is where I want to be, so I will do XYZ to change and adapt."

Gaming isn't going to fix anything. Nor is simply quitting. It's what you do instead that matters.

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Hey just dropping by to say that I’m going to a videogame-based event with a friend of mine. I don’t think that playing is involved, I think it’s more like retro vg music and gameboy related stuff. Will answer comments and give an update about my position in life in the future.

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